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Family

Brooke Hogan Explains Exactly Why Her Family Is So Messed Up

by Stuart Heritage

Anyone who watched Hogan Knows Best a) has way too much time on their hands and b) could see that the Hogans seemed happy enough.

They weren’t – as soon as the show finished Hulk Hogan and Linda Hogan got divorced and took up with insanely young new partners, Nick Hogan wrapped his car around a tree and went to jail and Brooke Hogan… well that chin of hers isn’t looking any less weird, is it?

So what’s going on? Maybe we’ll never know – after all, the Hogans have sold themselves out to the media before and it’s ended in tears, so the sensible thing to do would be to close ranks and figure out their problems in private. Or, if you’re Brooke Hogan, you’ll just go on Access Hollywood and yammer on about it for ages instead. Which is much more fun. Thanks Brooke!

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Janet Jackson Demands Babies Instantly

by Stuart Heritage

Janet Jackson’s job basically involves muttering about how sexy she is to nobody in particular in a vaguely constipated way, which must get boring.

So thank heavens that Janet Jackson has finally got broody – she wants a baby so badly that it’s all she can do not to dress up as a nurse and snatch one from a maternity ward somewhere.

That’s according to Janet’s boyfriend Jermaine Dupri, anyway. He says that Janet is so desperate for babies that they’re going to try for one the instant she finishes her upcoming tour. But why wait? if Janet Jackson wants a baby that badly she should throw caution to the wind and just cancel her shows. The fans won’t mind – if they’re Janet Jackson fans they’ll have grown used to the crushing feeling of disappointment anyway.

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Amy Winehouse: The Bone-Headed Vow Renewal

by Stuart Heritage

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone’s generally quite relieved about it, right?

Think again – even though he’s probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn’t seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows.

That’s the story, at least – in truth we’d imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it’s fairly difficult to pledge ‘to have and to hold’ when one of them’s locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It’s the same wedding vows we’d want.

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone's generally quite relieved about it, right? Think again - even though he's probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn't seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows. That's the story, at least - in truth we'd imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it's fairly difficult to pledge 'to have and to hold' when one of them's locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It's the same wedding vows we'd want.
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Heath Ledger’s Will Fairly Light On Daughter Mentions

by Stuart Heritage

Above all else, Heath Ledger’s death was a lesson for us all that we should all get our affairs in order before we accidentally overdose on a deadly cocktail of prescription medicine while naked.

Because Heath Ledger didn’t do that at all, which means his daughter Matilda has been left out of his will completely.

But rather than tear the Ledger family apart, as is usually the case when a celebrity dies with an out-of-date will, Heath Ledger’s father has said that Matilda is the family’s highest interest and that she will be ‘looked after’. At least we think that’s what he said. He was a little out of breath from shovelling all those shoe boxes of cash underneath the floorboards at the time.

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Awesome Or Off-Putting: Contemporary Father Forces Family To Live In Make-Shift Prison Camp

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: The Unexplainable

The problem with eighties architecture was that all the doors to buildings were far too formal. They were all very symmetrical, breeze-proof, and most had the overrated ability to open and close. That’s way inside the box, man.

Imagine then, our surprise when the renovations we made to our family’s west living-room wall with what was certainly an abandoned idling garbage truck went under-appreciated. We were in our room for millenia we tell you, and although we don’t believe our father used guard dogs as an internment tool, there was a good chance the family poodle would have gone for the throat had we so much as cracked the door.

Still, that’s nothing compared to Anatoly Titsky. He kept his wife and kids locked up in an isolated and haphazard prison camp modelled after Auschwitz for two years.

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable. This week: The Unexplainable The problem with eighties architecture was that all the doors to buildings were far too formal. They were all very symmetrical, breeze-proof, and most had the overrated ability to open and close. That's way inside the box, man. Imagine then, our surprise when the renovations we made to our family's west living-room wall with what was certainly an abandoned idling garbage truck went under-appreciated. We were in our room for millenia we tell you, and although we don't believe our father used guard dogs as an internment tool, there was a good chance the family poodle would have gone for the throat had we so much as cracked the door. Still, that's nothing compared to Anatoly Titsky. He kept his wife and kids locked up in an isolated and haphazard prison camp modelled after Auschwitz for two years.
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Britney Spears’ Manager Might Have History Of Weirdness

by Stuart Heritage

As if you needed reminding, Britney Spears had a full-on kerb-sitting dog-clutching sobbing meltdown on Monday night after a fight with her manager SamLutfi.

Nothing particularly unusual about that – Britney Spears seems to be contractually obliged to have a weird public meltdown every couple of weeks these days – but is SamLutfi really the steady hand that he’s claimed to be?

Apparently not – it turns out that Sam Lutfi might be a weirdo with a bunch of restraining orders against him and a history of urging people to kill themselves. Which is, you know, inevitable.

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Britney Spears’ Family Narked Off With Dr Phil

by Stuart Heritage

Dr Phil never says so on his show, but the best way to solve a problem is to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never existed.

Everyone knows that – it’s the reason why all the hecklerspray staff are such well-rounded, perfectly normal individuals. It’s also the reason why the family of Britney Spears have all got the hump with Dr Phil for speaking out publicly about Britney’s recent psychological snafu. Dr Phil, they say, have broken the Spears’ circle of trust.

And circles of trust are a lot like hymens – once broken they can only be repaired by complicated, expensive and largely unnecessary surgical procedures. We think.

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