Oooh, you thought that you didn’t give two hoots about Khloe Kardashian not being a purebreed Kardash didn’t you? You figured that you didn’t need to care about such a trivial story. Now look at you, since you heard about OJ Simpson.

See, there’s been an issue surrounding Khloe’s biological father and, whoever lands the gig, will invariably have some tidy money to make.

However, what happens if it’s Mister Double Murderer-Cum-Armed-Robber-And-Kidnapper, O.J. Simpson? Well, that’s a story and a half right? Oh, before we forget, OJ Simpson played some sport or other too where the gloves, presumably, fit him just grand. Just to clear that up.

So who is breaking such a story?

Why, if it isn’t those marvellous swines over at the National Enquirer! Anyone who doesn’t trust those guys needs to have a look at themselves, long and hard.

The Enquirer is the best!

Anyway, a source told the Enquirer this:

“O.J. told me Khloe’s his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends’ wives.”

Ooooh! They continued:

“He used to tell us way back – even before he and Nicole got divorced – that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe’s birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America’s biggest sports hero had fathered a love child.”

Look, we’re not making this up.

And surely, SURELY, the National Enquirer wouldn’t make something up like this. They don’t really have a record for doing as such, do they?

Either way, this must be incredibly exciting news for Khloe Kardashian! Just imagine finding out your dad was OJ Simpson! All those anecdotes he’d have to share with you!

Splendid.

Sportsmen are all uniformly thick. They’re thicker than pig dung and nearly as blank-faced as soldiers. It’s astonishing really. They need assistants to tell them to take their trousers off before going to the toilet. So it shouldn’t surprise us that Kris Humphries was told EXACTLY how to propose to Kim Kardashian.

Just imagine that. Being so insultingly moronic that Kim Kardashian is able to boss you around.

We all know that the proposal ended in a complete sham of a marriage, but what we didn’t know that it was a con from the off, with Kimmy K actually planning Humphries proposal down to the letter. Allegedly, of course. Go away lawyers.

So, the word on the street is that Kris Humphries told his friends and family that his soon-to-be ex-wife planned his wedding proposal to her so it would look nice on her awful cod-reality show, ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’

If you saw the proposal, you will have seen Kris proposing in the bedroom of Kim’s mansion. Humphries actually wanted to propose Minnesota. Why Minnesota, we’ve no idea. Minnesota is RUBBI

Radar Online say that  source revealed:

“Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever.”

“First of all, Kris proposed in the middle of the day, and he had to do that because it would create better lighting to capture the moment. Kim looked so surprised but she knew it was happening.”

“She was in full hair and make-up, as she always is on the show. Kris wanted it to be very intimate and romantic, but all of his ideas were shot down by production officials and Kim.”

“Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever.”

So basically, Kris Humphries managed to pluck up the brain-cells to mouth ‘will you, duurrr, marry me please Kim – DERP?’, only to be shot down immediately with a ‘this won’t do! Ask me when the lighting is better and I’ll get my people to look at it, run it by the production team and I’ll say ‘yes’, okay? Cool’.

And yet, the stupid lummox still asked her! Sometimes, people really get what they deserve don’t they?

Truth be told, it isn’t very often that one of the debauched members of the hecklerspray bedsit would ever speak of a member of the Kardashian lizard family in any positive manner. Doing so carries a punishment. A punishment that would Max Mosley blush and thank his lucky stars that he only has goes up against Nazis, and not the full extent of the hecklerspray phantom. That’s one sick puppy eating monster.

But today is a special day. Today is a day where it all changes for the awful Kardashian Kartel. It seems that the head of the Kardashian family, Kris Jenner, had unprotected and probably nasty (it did involve Kris Jenner, and possibly her original face) sex with an unwitting stranger, before eating the poor fool whole and spinning a web over his corpse so Susan Boyle couldn’t pick at the carcass.

Which we know she would.

Who do these claims come from? Well, not from an angry ex-husband or boyfriend, of which the Kardashians have more than chins in a Fat Camp Yearbook, that’s for sure. They come from the unlikely source of Khloe’s own stepmother. Say whaaat? Say what indeed, slovenly reader.

You’ll need to bear with us here, it’s about to get mad complicated.

Jan Ashley, who married Robert Kardashian after Khloe’s mother Kris, has claimed that Robert himself said that Khloe is not his child, and that another man fathered her. Totally debunking the theory that Khloe was stolen from a local farm and put in a Herve Leger dress at the same time. She says:

“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said it like it was a matter of fact. He said “Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?” And I said… “OK” and that was it.”

Jan Ashley isn’t the only ex-wife of Rob The Stud’s that has come out to say that Khloe’s father is more likely to be the man who injects the pygmy octupus placenta straight into Kris Jenner’s labia. Or the man who carries Kim’s ego around. Or the man who truly believes that anything the Kardashians says is the truth.

Ellen Kardashian (these people are starting to breed like yeast in Kim’s vagina), who married Rob The King of Sex after Jan, pointed out that Khloe looks nothing like the other two members of the Kardashian Kunt Klub, Kim and Kourteney. Which she doesn’t. At all. Kim and Kourteney are statuesque pillars of arrogance, whereas Khloe is a dumpy bag of no mark, nepotistic arrogance. Totally different.

Seriously. If you look at all three Kardashian sisters they’re like peas in the pod. If the pea pod was filled with two green peas and a female-impersonator.

Kong Kardashian has however hit back at these claims, saying on Twitter:

“The audacity you have to mention my father’s name like this! Should be ashamed of urself! I let a lot of things slide but this one is really low… YOU ARE DISGUSTING! (yes you know who YOU are).”

We don’t know why she’s being so frigid about the idea – anyone would have thought she’d jump at the chance to be disassociated from human-toilet Kim and the whole media circus that surrounds the KKK’s.

Khloe, not being a full blood Kardashian means that, this is a perfect opportunity for Khloe to ditch the Kardash Klan once and for all. Maybe get a nice job in a bakery. Perhaps get a LoveFilm subscription and finally get round to watching all the Resident Evil films.

It also means that she is the only one who can defeat Voldemort.

This article featured additional reporting from Lady Robotnik as well as Sir Robin Darke, just so you know.

You know what it’s like. You’re minding your own business, doing absolutely nothing wrong and then, KAPOW! Some awful Coldplay song barges into your subconscious while being used as an aspirational bit on some dreary television show.

It simply isn’t fair.

However, thanks to a singing intruder (there clearly should be more ‘singing intruders’… it needs to be a ‘thing’), Chris Martin now knows exactly what it is like for the rest of us poor, innocent, ear-having plebians.

According to various reports, the Coldplay frontweapon revealed how he had to chuck an intruder out of the garden of his family home that he shares with Gwyneth ‘oh jeez, she’s started singing too’ Paltrow.

This warbling trespasser managed to get into Martin’s garden and started singing Coldplay tracks to his pals who were stood outside the premises.

Martin:

“I had a guy the other day who climbed over the gate of our house and started singing Coldplay songs to his friends on the street.”

He added, showing what a dreadful control-freak bore he is:

“Listen, you’re just not doing that right.”

“He politely left. It was bordering on intrusion. Still, it’s nice that people like the songs.”

A proper celebrity would have attacked them with a shovel handle or sent armed guards to get the stun-guns out, but no, not beige Chris Martin. It’s all Polite This and Excuse Me That.

What a grating loser.

You’ve heard Coldplay right? Yeah, that’s the guys that make tepid, stadium-sized faeces, swarmed upon by tasteless flies who like vague lyrics that kinda sound aspirational or touching, but best not to dwell on it because that’s not why one goes to a Coldplay gig.

Basically, it’s music for the bone idle.

Disagree? Well, hear this, chumps: Even Chris Martin’s own children – those little oiks who he loves unreservedly and will support for the rest of their lives – don’t even like Coldplay. And Chris Martin knows that to try and force them would be folly.

Chris, who is of course married to the similarly musically-talentless-but-still-sings-for-money-anyway Gwyneth Paltrow, says that he doesn’t want to force his children to like Coldplay.

Fair deal really seeing as he foisted terrible names on them – Apple and Moses.

Martin told the USA Today newspaper:

“My children made me focused on not wasting time on anything I don’t think is worth wasting time on.

“So that’s affected my editing process. You don’t want to spend months and months doing something and have it turn out terrible. You want your kids to be proud, basically. So it gives you extra drive.”

Alas, if this is the case, then we have to equate Martin’s love for his children with his musical output. If they’re driving him to become better, then it’s only fair that the quality of the music is in direct proportion to how much he loves Moses and Apple.

Have you heard the newest Coldplay material?

Call the adoption agency.

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Every so often the world unites behind a cause which transcends nationality, colour, creed or sexuality. These causes can be anything from the protection of human rights to people coming together in search of justice (not a lynch mob, that’s not the same thing at all).

Of course, these things don’t always mean much. For example, much of the reaction to Haribo’s new advert, starring “the average nuclear family” in a musical number about sweets, has been hugely negative. People hate it and they’re getting together to show how much they dislike it.

We had managed to avoid the advert entirely until one fateful night when DepEd Michael put it on while the rest of the staff were out drinking cheap beer and getting knocked back by prostitutes. Find out what happened after the jump…

Panic Stations:

Natalie Portman has suggested that she might quit all that acting lark. Why? Well, she’s seemingly intent on becoming a massive bore. That means she wants to focus on her family and presumably litter her Facebook with constant pictures of stupid humans that have grown in her womb.

She’s currently incubating an inevitable disappointment which was put there by her choreographer fiance Benjamin Millepied. That’s right. Millepied. This baby will have more legs than eyelashes.

Portman has spoken of her desire to emulate (aka ‘copy’) Hollywood icon Audrey Hepburn, who sacked Hollywood off to begin a family.

The actress sez:

“Audrey made some good choices in life. More and more I realise how unimportant it is to be in the history books or anything like that. Putting time and energy into your children, that’s valuable”.

So tough cheese if you’d like to see her being a bit lesbian in films or you’d like to stare at her buttocks in a fantasy romp.

Of course, Portman is currently starring comic-flick, Thor. Something of a relief after the whole gruelling Black Swan  shoot.

“It probably delayed the onset of a total breakdown from the efforts of doing Black Swan, which is going to hit at any moment….We got nice long breaks and I got to read in my trailer which was very comfortable and has a bed. I could eat whenever I wanted and train whenever I felt like it”.

She’s not even had her baby yet and she’s already started talking like a mumsnet bore. Next week, we imagine she’ll be prattling on about growing her own vegetables and knitting bootees.

The git.

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When you have a family that you’re ashamed of, it’s easy to want to look beyond their faults and love them for just exactly who they are. That doesn’t mean, of course, that if you have a relative who ‘enjoys the company of children’ or has ‘buried another relative under their patio’ that you shouldn’t report them to the proper authorities. hecklerspray does not encourage the harbouring of criminals.

We look forward to the creepy comments on this column, where you suggest that you wouldn’t mind being touched up by Bill Gates.

With the help of Windows, you can now treat your entire family as though they’re criminals by lining them up for an identity parade and taking a series of pictures of them from all angles with the intention of creating a family that one doesn’t automatically associate with being a host of dribbling morons with all the mental capacity of a lobotomised Janet Jackson fan.

It’s lucky that Windows 7 and their ‘Cloud’ came along when they did as previously there was no way for people to take a simple family photograph without exercising some element of parental discipline.

In ‘The Cloud’ campaign we see many different families being helped through the trials and tribulations of modern life from the short attention spans of teenagers (we imagine most readers will have stopped reading to check their Facebook by now) to the err… short attention spans of children who are far more interested in playing with a box than they are with a Christmas present. Given that Granddad couldn’t be bothered to go round for Christmas, we’re not surprised.

Of course, this particular ad deals with the very modern problem that mothers have of having the ‘family photo’ to upload to Facebook. Years ago, it was a sign of love and prosperity to have a heavily-filtered image of your family writhing around uncomfortably on a kind of bearskin plinth hanging above your fireplace. Now, it would seem as though if you don’t have a family photo on your Facebook page then you must be an orphan. That no-one loves. You don’t want no-one to love you, do you?

You’d better get on that. Why not cut and paste some of your family’s angry, sexually aggressive faces onto one of those stock images of a happy family enjoying each other’s company. That’s essentially what you’d be doing if you used ‘The Cloud’, a computer program which appears to transform your existing PC into some kind of spinning hyper machine with spinning tapes and an interface using a complex system of levers and pulleys like something from Stingray, is doing the very same. It’s a fraud.

Naturally, images defraud us all the time by making us think that celebrities don’t have cellulite or some other fatuous nonsense that implies they’re somehow worthy of lording it over everyone else in the world with a bit of a flabby bum.

However, for Microsoft to imply that we should lie to our friends and families is a rich statement. Surely it’s every families right to know if their relatives are deep, sink-holes of intellectual abandon?

Regardless, the woman who is more concerned with putting across a positive image of her family to the internet is representative of a message that Microsoft are at pains to send out. Not only can they bring your family closer, they can also manipulate and alter said persons both metaphorically and literally through the use of software. Windows 7 allows the user to create a perfect picture, Facebook allows to share it while your family are forced to go on living a lie that you’ve created.

Enjoy.

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You know how Brad Pitt is constantly getting stalked by the paparazzi wherever he goes, much to his clear annoyance?

Well, you’ll never guess what he thinks of them.

In an interview with The Today Show, Brad Pitt has announced that he hates the paparazzi, but he loves his family. Steady on there, Brad – much more of this controversial ‘good things are good and bad things are bad’ talk and there’s a decent chance that you’ll end up literally melting our mind. What? You like your family? That’s literally crazy. Video after the jump.

We’re starting to think that Brad Pitt is a lost cause. The poor man just doesn’t know how to promote a movie. Later this month, Brad’s new film The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button is released, and it looks like it could be one of the best films of the year. Or at least it would be if Brad Pitt could sell the ruddy thing convincingly.

Now, if Angelina Jolie was the star of Benjamin Button it’d be a different story. She’d be rolling out stories of how many weapons her children have and how much she hates Jennifer Aniston and seeing how many babies she could clip onto each tit and the end result would be, well, nobody would watch the movie because it’d be an Angelina Jolie movie and nobody’s that mental, but at least there would be loads of headlines about her. Sometimes that’s enough.

But Brad Pitt? His promotion of Benjamin Button is just wildly dull. It started badly – with a dreary anecdote about his kids – and now it’s inexplicably managed to get worse. Brad Pitt has been interviewed by The Today Show, and the two main thrusts of the outcome are that a) Brad Pitt loves his kids and b) Brad Pitt doesn’t love the paparazzi. First the quotes and then the video:

“I’m really proud of this family. I look at my sons and my daughters – one is from Vietnam, one is from Cambodia, one is from Ethiopia and here are these kids who were born in Namibia and in France, and they’re brothers and sisters… Truly, I feel rich being around them. Each one of them offers so much to the mix.”

“Let me be very blunt, I hate them. I hate these people. I don’t understand how they do that for a living. We have to make a distinction between people who photograph celebrities at events and people who climb over walls wearing camouflage… calling out your kids’ names as you try to take them to school so they’ll look that way. I have no respect for these people. There should be laws against it.”

Really Brad Pitt? You hate the paparazzi? We would have never guessed – all this time we thought you were ordering your security to hug them when they got too close. Hug them hard. By the neck.

Anyway, we can sort of see Brad Pitt’s point here – his family does deserve a base amount of privacy from time to time, if only because it’d keep them out of the poxy magazines once in a while – but come on, you’re promoting a film here! Can’t you dredge up some kind of huge inappropriately personal aspect of your life and endlessly drone on about that instead?

Jesus, it’s almost like Brad Pitt wants his potentially Oscar-winning movie to be judged on its merits or something. That’s literally disgusting.

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Sometimes, in nature, females of any species have to fight to achieve their instinctive goals. Sometimes those goals include protecting newborns from the slobbery jaws of a vicious predator, and sometimes they include trying to change the channel away from Oprah in a posh mid-Manhattan nail salon.

Thousands of women are killed every year from the latter offense. These battles are often epic, lasting for days on end  – victory only being claimed when one contender drops to the ground dead, possibly with large chunks of hair missing, and Lee Press-Ons lodged in different parts of their face & shoulders.

So it was, recently, in some island airport when two sub-D-list female celebrities crossed paths. In one corner it was Nikki Blonsky, the lead from the movie Hairspray. In the other corner it was Bianca Golden, an America’s Next Top Model cast-off. They actually fought – physically. Hate raged as their blood and spit intertwined mid-air, possibly pushed to and fro by a mediocre ventilation system. Also hate raged as the Top Model girl had her foot bitten by a human being. Hate also raged as somebody’s father beat somebody else’s mother to the point of hospitalization.

That’s all that hate raged though. We wouldn’t want to exagerate – and we haven’t.

Yet.

Picture it if you will – you were a contestant on America’s Next Top Model, you’re in an island-vacation airport somewhere, and you just want to sit down. You see a seat available, but the hefty lead from the Hairspray movie has her suitcase on it. What do you do?

You fight, apparently. And that’s just what happened. According to Monsters & Critics:

“Nikki Blonsky from the recent film, “Hairspray” and her father were arrested at Providenciales International Airport in Turks and Caicos. They were reportedly involved in a fight with Bianca Golden from America’s Next Top Model. UsWeekly.com reports that the Blonsky family had their luggage on the seat and refused to move it. The fight allegedly also started because Nikki’s family was also saving five seats and Bianca’s family wanted them. TMZ reported that one of Bianca’s family members bit Nikki’s foot.”

Bit a foot? Well you don’t get that big from abstaining, you know what we mean, gang? The fight involved far more than the two women who are questionably famous. Their parents got way into it too – to the point where Nikki’s dad gave Bianca’s mom enough injuries to send her to a Miami hospital. He’s still in jail, incidentally.

This reminds us greatly of hecklerspray’s last family vacation wherein our dad got head-konked by a coconut, lost consciousness for two minutes, then swam up a whale’s lady-parts to help it give birth. We took baby whale home but the 65 mph winds it experienced while strapped to our roof rack for the ten hour drive dried it up dead.

Our one sister still brings it up at least monthly. Possibly because for the last three hours she was strapped up there with it.

Anyone who watched Hogan Knows Best a) has way too much time on their hands and b) could see that the Hogans seemed happy enough.

They weren’t – as soon as the show finished Hulk Hogan and Linda Hogan got divorced and took up with insanely young new partners, Nick Hogan wrapped his car around a tree and went to jail and Brooke Hogan… well that chin of hers isn’t looking any less weird, is it?

So what’s going on? Maybe we’ll never know – after all, the Hogans have sold themselves out to the media before and it’s ended in tears, so the sensible thing to do would be to close ranks and figure out their problems in private. Or, if you’re Brooke Hogan, you’ll just go on Access Hollywood and yammer on about it for ages instead. Which is much more fun. Thanks Brooke!

Looking at the Hogan family, it’s remarkable that they stayed together this long. One parent is a veiny, abnormally large brute with bad hair and skin the colour of a bruised testicle who runs around in tiny red knickers for a living, and the other one is Hulk Hogan.

It couldn’t last, and it didn’t. Linda Hogan filed for divorce from Hulk Hogan right after the family’s reality TV show Hogan Knows Best stumbled to a conclusion, claiming that the marriage was ‘irretrievably broken’ – which we think is code for ‘my husband just beat me in an arm wrestle for the first time ever and it’s affected my sense of self-worth’.

Meanwhile, son Nick Hogan crashed his car so badly that his passenger will remain in constant care for the rest of his life, and he’s ended up doing solitary in jail for it. It’s not a perfect state of affairs by any means, and you get the feeling that if the family ever made another reality TV show it’d probably be called something like Look At This Awful Bunch Of Clueless Dickheads.

But, anyway, what about Brooke Hogan? Now that her brother’s in jail, she’s left all by herself – torn between a father who had it off with one of her friends and a mother that’s currently having it off with a boy she used to go to school with.

What would you do in Brooke Hogan’s situation? Go on Access Hollywood and spout off about all your family’s darkest problems in front of an audience of millions for no constructive reason whatsoever? Good, because that’s what Brooke Hogan chose to do as well. MSNBC quotes Brooke:

“I don’t know it’s — it’s been pretty nuts… I have to admit I did have a little bit of a breakdown one time about that ‘cause my brother and I are inseparable… I do feel like if someone can see me slip up, you know, they would love it because it would complete the family craziness.”

Good for Brooke Hogan, we say. She’s seen the damage that a reality TV show can do to people and – regardless of how stupidly the rest of her family has decided to act in public in the wake of Hogan Knows Best – she’s determined to live the rest of her life with as much dignity as possible, keen never to repeat the past mistakes made by herself and those around her.

Congratulations, Brooke! We have nothing but respect for you!

Brooke Hogan’s new reality TV show Brooke Knows Best debuts on VH1 this Sunday. We’re not making this up. Christ, what a hopeless jizzpot that girl is.

Janet Jackson's job basically involves muttering about how sexy she is to nobody in particular in a vaguely constipated way, which must get boring.

So thank heavens that Janet Jackson has finally got broody – she wants a baby so badly that it's all she can do not to dress up as a nurse and snatch one from a maternity ward somewhere.

That's according to Janet's boyfriend Jermaine Dupri, anyway. He says that Janet is so desperate for babies that they're going to try for one the instant she finishes her upcoming tour. But why wait? if Janet Jackson wants a baby that badly she should throw caution to the wind and just cancel her shows. The fans won't mind – if they're Janet Jackson fans they'll have grown used to the crushing feeling of disappointment anyway.

We can't help but wonder what Janet Jackson would be like as a mother. On the one hand we can totally see the plus sides – she's already developed an offensively efficient breastfeeding technique – but we can't help feeling that she'd probably pass you off to relatives and then deny you were ever born the moment she gave birth to you. It's a tricky one. 

But we might just about be ready to find out. According to her boyfriend Jermaine Dupri, Janet Jackson is furiously intent on having a baby as soon as possible.

And since Jermaine Dupri loves Janet Jackson so much that he took the blame when one of her last albums fared traditionally dismally, he's decided to bite the bullet and help her out. MTV reports:

Janet admitted earlier this year that she was itching to have children… Dupri already has a daughter and explained that he’s not concerned whether he has a boy or a girl with Janet "It really doesn't matter. Janet would be a great mum. She was around so many brothers and sisters all her life, so she's got to know what that is (like)”.

Yes, that's right. That's exactly right. Janet Jackson will be a good mother because she knows what it's like to be part of a large, perfectly normal family that wasn't pushed into showbusiness by an brutal taskmaster of a father or grew up to become, variously, a spooky cross-dressing recluse surrounded by allegations of child abuse, a man who tried writing a book about how much of a paedophile his brother was, a Playboy model and a grown man named Tito. That Mother Of The Year award's as good as hers already.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here – Janet Jackson's actually got to have the baby first. And that might be a bit tricky. Not because of all the risks inherent in becoming pregnant at 42, you understand, but because we're not sure if she knows how it works. 

After all, Janet Jackson's technique to get people to think she's sexy is to just explicitly say the word 'sexy' over and over again in her songs, so there's a pretty good chance that she thinks people get pregnant just by repeating the word 'baby' in a mumbly cod-erotic way a bunch of times.

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone’s generally quite relieved about it, right?

Think again – even though he’s probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn’t seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows.

That’s the story, at least – in truth we’d imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it’s fairly difficult to pledge ‘to have and to hold’ when one of them’s locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It’s the same wedding vows we’d want.

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are a bit like a soap opera. A really shit soap opera that seems to just comprise of one single episode repeated four times daily until the end of time even though people would rather watch kitten torture instead because it’s less harrowing.

But at least we thought we knew where Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil were going. Ever since Blake’s been in prison for allegedly perverting the course of justice all over some bloke’s face, Amy Winehouse has allegedly found comfort in the arms of other men.

Well, OK, not men exactly – little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders and Cousin Itt and someone’s grotty-looking grandpa to be more precise – but it doesn’t matter. To the casual observer, the signs were clear – Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil were on the outs.

Except now they’re apparently not. Apparently Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have fallen in love again and want to renew their marriage vows in an effort to prove to the world that they’re committed to one another. It’s either a case of absence making the heart grow stronger or Class A drugs making the brain grow stupider, but we’ll let The Sunday Mirror carry on for us:

A source said: “Amy and Blake are more determined than ever to show the world they are together. As soon as he is out they will be renewing their wedding vows – they want to put two fingers up to those who want them apart.” The source added: “They want another wedding, a family and are even planning to set up a business together.”

Memorise that paragraph, everyone, because we don’t think a string of words has ever been put together more perfectly. You’d think that a quicker way of putting two fingers up to those who want them apart would be for Amy Winehouse to stop being romantically linked to a brand new man every couple of days, while the thought of them starting a business just beggars belief. Unless, of course, they charge people to stay at their house and experience a kind of perpetual retelling of the last few scenes of Requiem For A Dream in the flesh. There’s money in that, we’re sure.

And starting a family? Actually, that’s not such a bad idea. A baby, after all, makes the ideal unwitting drug mule. Maybe Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil aren’t so crazy after all.

Read more:

Exclusive: A second wedding for Amy Winehouse and Blake – Sunday Mirror

Above all else, Heath Ledger's death was a lesson for us all that we should all get our affairs in order before we accidentally overdose on a deadly cocktail of prescription medicine while naked.

Because Heath Ledger didn't do that at all, which means his daughter Matilda has been left out of his will completely.

But rather than tear the Ledger family apart, as is usually the case when a celebrity dies with an out-of-date will, Heath Ledger's father has said that Matilda is the family's highest interest and that she will be 'looked after'. At least we think that's what he said. He was a little out of breath from shovelling all those shoe boxes of cash underneath the floorboards at the time.

If you ever want a perfect example of how to balls up your own death, look no further than James Brown. As sad as it was when James Brown died, it was nothing compared to the revelation that he had about 700 children and they all wanted a slice of his money. While they fought over the will, James Brown rotted away unburied in a corner of his house.

And, as Heath Ledger was often known as 'the white, Australian, young, unfunky, non-musical James Brown' before his death in January, it was only natural that he'd have an equally out-of-date will. As it turns out, that was completely the case. According to reports Heath Ledger's will was written in 2003, long before he got together with Michelle Williams or had his daughter Matilda.

As such, the will splits all of Heath Ledger's assets between his parents and siblings, missing out Williams and Matilda completely. However, knowing that raising a baby on the acting salary of Michelle Williams alone would result in starvation and probably death, Heath Ledger's father has stepped in to promise that Matilda will get her rightful share. MSNBC reports: 

After documents filed in Manhattan Surrogate's Court revealed that Heath Ledger's will left all his assets to his parents and siblings, the Ledger family is speaking out. "Matilda is our absolute priority and Michelle is an integral part of our family," Heath's father, Kim Ledger, said in a statement to the media. "They will be taken care of and that's how Heath would want it to be." … Ledger's rep quickly put to rest any speculation that Matilda and Michelle Williams would not be provided for, telling People, "The story is getting taken out of context and media is speculating that this means Matilda and Michelle will not be taken care of. I want to make it very clear nothing could be farther from the truth."

And that's it. No lengthy legal battles, no whispers of conspiracy, no reported videos of gay sex. Just a nice, normal, friendly agreement that makes quite a lot of sense for everyone involved. It's disgraceful. Everyone knows that when a celebrity dies, the surviving relatives should spend at least a fortnight tugging on the limbs of the corpse trying to get a bigger slice of the estate. That's the law.

And because that didn't happen, we're going to have to stop thinking of Heath Ledger as a celebrity at all. Not like Anna Nicole Smith who, according to our freakishly impaired logic, is now more famous than Jesus and Elvis Presley combined.

Read more:

Michelle Williams, toddler not in Ledger’s will – MSNBC 

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: The Unexplainable

The problem with eighties architecture was that all the doors to buildings were far too formal. They were all very symmetrical, breeze-proof, and most had the overrated ability to open and close. That's way inside the box, man.

Imagine then, our surprise when the renovations we made to our family's west living-room wall with what was certainly an abandoned idling garbage truck went under-appreciated. We were in our room for millenia we tell you, and although we don't believe our father used guard dogs as an internment tool, there was a good chance the family poodle would have gone for the throat had we so much as cracked the door.

Still, that's nothing compared to Anatoly Titsky. He kept his wife and kids locked up in an isolated and haphazard prison camp modelled after Auschwitz for two years.

Anatoly Titsky is a 47-year-old Russian man who decided it would be beneficial for his entire family if he dug them a trench surrounded it with 20' high barbed wire fence. The immediate vicinity was patrolled by 20 guard dogs trained to kill any would-be escapees.

Those escapees could have been any of his five children aged 5 – 17, or his wife, age unknown. The camp was found by a local out picking mushrooms. This person described what they saw:

“When I happened across the prison it was like a concentration camp from Nazi Germany. There were red flags marking the limits and psychotic dogs foaming at the mouth while children stared out from behind the barbed wire.”

When police raided the place, Titsky ordered his family to run into the forest. An officer who saw their living conditions described the horror:

"The air was thick with the stench of rotting garbage and there was a pile of rags the kids used to keep themselves warm in winter. This family shared a 15ft-long shelter with geese and livestock. The dogs would start barking as soon as his wife and children approached the red flags. These prisoners had no chance of escape. When we got near, the dogs kept us at bay and we had to shoot them to avoid being torn to shreds. But inside we found only Titsky cowering underground. He told the kids to run off as we approached.”

Assuming you are a normal human being, the plight of these children probably offends you quite a bit. It shouldn't though, because he did it out of love. He said:

“Living in the forest isn’t savagery. I wanted to bring my children up in harsh conditions so they’d be ready for any challenge."

No word as to why he threw his wife in there too. As for the children though, there really is no doubt they'll be ready for the challenges life is sure to bring them. For instance, if they ever compete on Double Dare we're pretty sure they'll cream the green team.

And you know what? That is exactly what Titsky was preparing them for.

Read More:

Father Organizes Nazi Camp For His Wife And Five Children In Russia – Pravda