The world wants Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get married so badly that it'll pretty much believe anything.

Like that Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie wedding that was supposed to have taken place in New Orleans on Saturday, for example. You know, the one that never happened.

Star magazine, which claimed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married on Saturday, has now admitted that the whole report was a bunch of cobblers all along. The Pitt/Jolie non-wedding is pretty much good news for all sorts of reasons, though. Not only will it allow for another furiously inept media scrum the next time Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't get married, but – girls – this means that you can start kidding yourselves that you have a shot at Brad Pitt again! Exciting!

The list of Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie non-weddings is as long as it is tear-jerking. Who could possibly forget that time that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn't get married in a Buddhist ceremony in Los Angeles? It was a beautiful service. And then there was the time that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn't get married in Italy – the best man's speech really was a hoot and a half. And then there was the wax Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie non-wedding. That wasn't so good. The cake tasted like wax. In fact, now we come to think of it, it wasn't a cake at all. It was a slice of wax Jeremy Beadle's head. Urgh.

But however beautiful the past Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie non-weddings were, they couldn't possibly shine a light on Saturday's Pitt-Jolie non-wedding. That was the pretend wedding to end all pretend weddings – we know this because Star magazine said so.

According to Star, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in New Orleans this weekend and it was lavish. So lavish, in fact, that the wedding actually managed to somehow loop through all conventional notions of time and space and ended up never having actually existed at all. According to the New York Daily News:

Star magazine breathlessly reported over the weekend that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had finally tied the knot in a lavish ceremony in New Orleans. When other reporters could find no evidence of the nuptials, Star editor Candace Trunzo insisted to the Daily News that the mag's sources were rock-solid. Sunday afternoon, faced with denial upon denial, Star finally backed off. "After further investigation, the sources are not standing by their story," Star wrote in a terse retraction on its Web site. Trunzo did not return calls for comment on the soured scoop, but her competition was more than happy to stick it to her. Us Weekly magazine declared the story utter "bulls–t."

But does this non-wedding mean that Brad pitt and Angelina Jolie really are getting married soon, or is this just another total fabrication on the magazine's part? There have been recent reports that a Pitt-Jolie wedding isn't too far off, and we can only pray that these reports are accurate.

Because if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really do get married then it means that when they inevitably split up there'll be a messy divorce, and we've had a divorce-shaped hole in our lives ever since the McCartney-Mills divorce ended. Plus if Brad and Angelina get married then it means that any future adoptions will miss the step where Brad Pitt petitions for legal guardianship and, as we all know, stories about technicalities in international adoption law are as dull as shit.

Most of all, though, we want Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get married soon because we're pretty certain that Jennifer Aniston will spontaneously combust the instant they do. Make it happen, Brangeloni.

Read more:

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie wed? Nope! - NYDN 

If you'd starred in as many woefully identical sitcoms as Heather Locklear, suicide would probably come as a sweet release.

But Heather Locklear is made of sterner stuff than you. Heather Locklear absolutely didn't try and kill herself last weekend, even though a 911 operative, the Los Angeles Fire Department, two ambulances and Heather Locklear's own psychiatrist thought she had.

But don't worry, because it was all a false alarm. Heather Locklear wasn't really trying to commit suicide, which means that we can all go back to forgetting she ever even existed anyway again.

On average it's thought that the average Los Angeles-dweller will be falsely accused of attempting suicide 15 or 16 times within their lifespan. It happens all the time – Marie Osmond's suicide attempt was really an adverse reaction to painkillers, the Hasselhoff daughter's suicide attempt was really an adverse reaction to a kitten-scratch and Owen Wilson's suicide attempt was just… oh. 

But on the whole it's fair to say that most celebrity suicide attempt reports are just miscommunication. But who can blame the authorities for being a bit jumpy? After all, a celebrity's life is worth the same as ten normal peoples' lives. Except for Heather Locklear, of course. Her life is probably only worth the same as three or four normal people's lives, but that didn't stop the mother of all misreported suicide attempts happening on Saturday night.

On Saturday, fire trucks and ambulances were called to Heather Locklear's home because of a 911 call claiming that she was about to kill herself, even though she was actually pretty OK and the least suicidal that you can be when you know you're Heather Locklear. However, the call didn't come from Heather Locklear or anyone in her home, and 911 officials were positive that it wasn't a crank call.

So who blew the whistle on Heather Locklear's non-existent suicide attempt? As Ninemsn reports, the moral of the story is to never tell your psychiatrist that you're sad. Or at least never tell Heather Locklear's psychiatrist that you're sad:

Law enforcement sources said the call came from the actress's psychiatrist, according to celebrity website TMZ. The psychiatrist was alarmed because she was "upset and believed she might OD on medication prescribed for depression", the website reported.

It's an embarrassing mix-up for sure. Now – rightfully or not – Heather Locklear looks a bit crazy, her psychiatrist looks a bit stupid and the Los Angeles 911 service looks like a bunch of fools. But why would someone as well-known, glamorous and addicted to starring in white-bread sitcoms as Heather Locklear even be depressed in the first place?

Simple. Richie Sambora's penis. It's like King Midas in reverse. Heather Locklear was the bright young star of Melrose Place until she touched Richie Sambora's penis and now – bam! – she's on depression medication and at the centre of a suicide attempt storm. And then there's Denise Richards, who was the bright young star of Wild Things until she touched Richie Sambora's penis and now – bam! – she's a weirdly paranoid sad jobless pig who's been reduced to crawling around in the world of reality TV. 

Basically our point is that you shouldn't touch Richie Sambora's penis. Never touch Richie Sambora's penis.

Read more:

Fears held for Locklear after suicide call – Ninemsn 

As we all know, the day that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married will be the day that global warming reverses, all wars stop and mankind lives peacefully under its new kind-hearted demi-god rulers.

Either that or MTV will just cynically lob out a crappy spoon-fed reality TV show about all the zany, slightly staged-looking shenanigans that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get up to. One or the other. We can't remember which. Anyway, that doesn't matter for now, because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo aren't married despite a flurry of rumours that their wedding was due to take place this weekend. But, hey, let's not get too downhearted because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo didn't get married – we're not so much losing a wedding here as mercifully gaining another week without seeing Nick and Vanessa gurning out from the cover of an OK! magazine wedding special like a couple of wrong morons.

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo really are the golden couple of blaringly-pointless celebrities who nobody would really miss if they both just vanished off the face of the earth, not even their own parents. Both, at best, are famous by association – Nick Lachey through his marriage to Jessica Simpson and Vanessa Minnillo because of… oh, who the hell knows why Vanessa Minnillo is famous. We don't, and we do this kind of nonsense for a living.

Anyway, aside from a brief moment when they were photographed doing each other up the bum in a swimming pool, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo have done approximately zero interesting things ever together, but all that was supposed to change this weekend, when Fox reported that the pair of them were going to get married in The Bahamas.

According to their report, Vanessa Minnillo's entourage turned up at a tropical hotel on Friday in preparation of what would surely be the wedding of the year, discounting ever other wedding that's taken place this year. But, as it turns out, the whole report was a crock of crap and Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo didn't get married at all. Nick Lachey's slave denied the rumours outright, saying:

"Not true. Fox is making it up. Nick is in Cincinnati working on the choir show for NBC and a show he is producing for MTV. Fox.com should stick to news."

Ah yes, the choir show. Nick Lachey couldn't get married this weekend, you see, because he's got something to do with the US version of the bewilderingly awful-sounding Choir Wars. And Vanessa Minnillo couldn't find the time in her busy schedule to get married either, because she was busy in Los Angeles having conversations with blank-eyed dolls or trying to count all of her toes at once or something. To be honest we haven't been bothered enough to find out.

Still, though, no Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo wedding means no awful reality TV show about the both of them yet – although if that's something you really wanted to see then you could probably cobble together a fairly accurate substitution by changing TV stations really quickly between a hardcore anal pornography movie and the CCTV feed from your local hospice for the terminally simple.

Read more:

Saint Nick Bringing Ring for Vanessa? Um, Not If You Ask Them… – E! Online