We’re being serious. It doesn’t go down well at all. Boy George, king of the bald, fat, previously androgynous 1980s homosexual popstars, has been found guilty of handcuffing a Norwegian male prostitute to a wall, beating him with a chain and threatening to kill him, and now he’s probably going to jail for it.

It just goes to show – never copy Boy George. It was true when you decided to decided to grow those nasty white-boy dreadlocks and it’s true now.

Poor Boy George, he’s such a victim of circumstance. After all, who can honestly say, hand on heart, that they haven’t ever hired a Scandinavian male prostitute with the intention of making a number of pornographic photos together? We certainly have. We’ve done that very thing three times already today, and we’re going to use the resulting images on our Christmas cards.

So when Boy George decided that he wanted to make a load of gay porno pictures with Norwegian prostitute Audun Carlsen last year, nobody batted an eyelid. But the thing is with male prostitutes from Norway is that they’re notoriously unpredictable – something which Boy George understood and dealt with by handcuffing Carlsen to a wall. And beating him with a chain. And threatening to kill him, just in case all the stuff with the handcuffs and chain-beating didn’t really get the message across well enough.

Notice we didn’t use the word allegedly once there? That’s because it’s all true – our Christmas cards really are going to feature disturbing scenes of homosexual bondage and, after admitting that he used handcuffs to restrain him, Boy George really has just been found guilty of manwhore-chaining. People reports:

Boy George has been convicted of falsely imprisoning a male escort. The singer looked grim as the verdict was delivered. The singer was released on bail until his Jan. 16 sentencing. Judge David Radford warned Boy George that he was likely to face jail time. “The fact that your bail is being continued does not imply that this will be dealt with by a non-custodial sentence. I don’t want any false expectations created.”

No wonder Boy George is looking a possible prison sentence. Jailing Boy George seems like the only sensible option, and not just because everyone knows that if you give Boy George community service, he’ll just run around hitting people with a broom and squealing.

No, we should think of poor Audun Carlsen here – he’s the real victim of Boy George’s crime. Getting chained up and beaten against your will is bad enough at the best of times, but knowing that you could be kept there forever or – worse – have to listen to any of Boy George’s solo albums is almost the dictionary definition of inhumane.

And think of his career prospects – by getting Boy George convicted of a false imprisonment charge, Audun Carlsen probably won’t be able to get any male prostitution work now. The poor boy will probably be reduced to… wait, what’s something that you can be reduced to when your last job involved being paid paltry sums of money to get bummed by chubby hasbeen singers? Is there even anything? No?

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It's emerging that one male escort didn't heed this warning, and now Boy George has been arrested and charged with false imprisonment for it. Apparently Boy George and another man invited Norwegian escort Auden Carlsen into his home, chained him to a wall and promptly went about threatening him in all kinds of undisclosed ways.

Wait a minute, Boy George is gay?

Now, if we were Boy George we'd be doing our utmost to stay out of trouble at the moment, because the last thing we'd want is a repeat performance of his last arrest and subsequent punishment for drug possession. You'll remember that, of course, that situation ended with Boy George angrily waggling a broom about and screaming like an infant witch because people were taking pictures of him sweeping parts of New York as part of his community service order.

But just because we'd want to keep our nose clean in Boy George's position, it doesn't necessarily mean that Boy George agrees with us. Not when there are perfectly good male Norwegian escorts walking the streets instead of being chained to a wall in Boy George's house, where they clearly all belong.

It has been announced that Boy George – the man responsible for hits like Karma Chameleon and probably a couple of others, as well as the brief 2001 fad for painting the underside of your jaw black to make you look less of a fat bald goth – has been arrested and charged with false imprisonment following claims made by 28-year-old Norwegian escort Auden Carlsen.

Carlsen claims that Boy George and his friend invited him into Boy George's flat to pose for photos. Photos, it appears, that involved chaining male escorts to the wall and insulting them a lot. It's too early for firm details, but police have said:

"George O’Dowd, 47, a musician of Ravey Street, EC2, is charged with the false imprisonment of a 28-year-old in Ravey Street on April 28. He has been bailed to return before Thames Magistrates Court on November 22."

We'll be following this story as it happens, partly because there just aren't enough stories about hooker-chaining these days and partly because we're dying to find out what the sort of man who gets intimidated by Boy George's threats looks like.