Not that it’s a slow news day or anything, but it’s very important that you know Brad Pitt didn’t go to hospital last night.

And nor did Angelina Jolie. And nor did any of their kids. But they might have done, after it was reported last night that paramedics were sent to Brad Pitt’s house. Or near Brad Pitt’s house. Or past it. Or one of the paramedics looked at a picture of Brad Pitt about half an hour before the call. Or something.

But Brad Pitt is fine. The reports were all wrong. Nobody went to hospital. It’s definitely not a slow news day.

Brad Pitt knows just how to burst Jennifer Aniston‘s bubble, doesn’t he? Their movie promotion war – he’s releasing The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button on the same day that she’s releasing Marley & Me – is reaching its final week, and there’s nothing that Brad Pitt won’t do to undermine his ex-wife at every turn.

What’s that, Jennifer Aniston? You want children? Well Brad Pitt’s got children. Loads of them. You’ve got naked on the cover of a magazine? So what? Brad Pitt’s girlfriend got naked in a film about a supermodel and she actually played the supermodel and he loves her very much.

And, oh, what’s that Jennifer Aniston? You’ve decided to sell the tie you wore on your naked photoshoot for charity? Well, um, Brad Pitt’s, um… oh no! His heart! He’s having a heart attack! Quick, everyone, look at Brad Pitt! He’s actually having a heart attack!

Except, oh, no he’s not. He’s fine. Brad Pitt’s fine and so is everyone in his entire family. But an ambulance stopped quite near Brad Pitt’s house yesterday and everyone got very excited about it regardless. MSNBC reports:

On Thursday night, OK! Magazine reported that paramedics were called to the Los Angeles home shared by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Thursday night, and that an elderly man was transported to the hospital. But later, TMZ.com reported that the call was not made from Pitt’s house, but from a neighboring residence, and that a 100-year-old man was transported from that home to the hospital. The man was not identified.

So that’s essentially it. The biggest non-story that we, or any news organisation, has ever run in the history of time. Brad Pitt didn’t go to hospital but an ambulance did sort of go past his house to pick up a very old man. That’s it. Show’s over.

Unless – wait a minute – a very old man? But isn’t Brad Pitt’s new film about… a very old man? Oh, now we get it! This is all just an elaborate promotional stunt for The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button! Ingenious! Ha! How are you going to follow that, Jennifer Aniston? You can’t, can you? Brad Pitt wins again! BRAD PITT WINS AGAIN!

Unless, you know, that 100-year-old man died or something. That wouldn’t be so nice. But anyway, BRAD PITT WINS AGAIN! WOOOOO!!

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