Lisping, limp-wristed rocknut Pete Wentz got divorced from candy floss brained Ashlee Simpson and everyone remembered how surprised they were when they heard the pair were getting married in the first place.

What did some emo ballbag ever have in common with a glazed cherry of a woman? Apart from the mutual simpletonry of course?

Either way, the pair slowly closed their mouths and blinked into the sunlight while it quietly dawned on them that, in fact, they didn’t have a damn thing in common apart from some offspring. So they decided to split and now they’re having incredibly polite arguments in court (the most they’ve ever spoken to each other, ever).

Wentz, whirring his tiny little brain with all the effort he could muster responded in court to his Simpson’s divorce filing with one of his own, which he probably wrote in his best joined-up handwriting.

Sadly, any brains he may have forged over the court appearance were soon dispelled when everyone remembered what the child was called in the custody battle – Bronx Mowgli.

Is that related to a Bronx Cheer in anyway?

Basically, this crashingly boring pair have agreed that they should both get to see poor little Bronx Mowgli (who, when he’s older, will no doubt divorce the pair of them) with Simpson saying that she be awarded primary physical custody, with Wentz only getting visitation.

Sounds reasonable?

Oh, she also wanted spousal support. Oh, and she wanted Wentz to pay her attorney fees as well.

Wentz said something in return, which was so dull, we’re not even sure we’ve got the will to finish this article.

In fact, we won’t. Instead, look at this video which pretty much sums it all up.

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Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have filed for divorce because, in their own sweet way, they’re both insanely irritating and gaspingly thick. C’mon, ‘Champagne For My Real Friend, Real Pain For My Sham Friends’ is a song title so bad that the English language itself has reportedly tried to commit suicide.

Of course, the pair are citing that age-old, trusted reason of “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for the break-up.

The world mourns the loss of this shining example of everything that is great about humankind, clearly.

A source close to Wentz told reckons:

“They have gone their separate ways for quite some time. … Ashlee and Pete have not really been on track for the past year.”

After all that time together, the pair suddenly rose from their simpleton stupor to realise that they had absolutely nothing in common. It’s a bit like two fish realising that they have been staring at their own reflections in the fish tank.

Of course, there’s a trace of nastiness in all this, mainly because celebrities are physically unable to walk away from another human without muttering a slur under their breath.

Simpson is claiming that she couldn’t deal with Wentz “erratic” behaviour.

One chum of Wentz’s notes:

“Pete is a helluva lot smarter than Ashlee. After a while I think she realized she just couldn’t keep up with him in a lot of areas.”

Notably, the competition of who can put their eyeliner on the neatest. Sadly for us muck-rakers, there doesn’t seem to be the merest hint of an affair around this depressingly boring debacle.

The worst element of this whole thing is that Wentz is invariably going to pour his heart out about all this in a series of beige stadium rock turds, which he’ll hope makes him look all clever and sensitive. Naturally, Fall Out Boy fans will lap it up like thirsty hounds.

The rest of us meanwhile will have to begin the laborious process of slicing our ears off and filling the holes with liquid concrete.

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The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn’t the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object dá, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.

Right? RIGHT?

If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here’s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:

• He was in an emo band called Fall Out Boy who got big on the back of the success of auditory assassins My Chemical Romance.
• He had/has a stupid fringe and a fondness for guyliner.
• He was once caught doing an Ashley Cole after a fan posted a picture of his tattooed tallywhacker on the internet and…
• He’s married to Ashlee Simpson, a woman so pathetic she continues to live in the shadow of America’s answer to Kerry Katona, her older sister Jessica Simpson.

That’s right, at one point in time, Pete Wentz was related by marriage to Nick Lachey.

ROCKNFUGGINROLL!

The heats Wentz will be judging are taking place in Hard Rock Cafes all over the world, because being alternative and sticking it to the man is like totally all about being a shameless corporate whore nowadays, duh!

The budding bands that Wentz will cast his three eyes over are battling it out to see who gets to take to the stage in Hyde Park, in front of literally some people, and belt out their best Aerosmith covers as bottles of piss whip past their heads and rain pours down on them from the cold, grey London skies.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t really ones for nurturing talent, we prefer to call people names and giggle amongst ourselves, but even so we can’t honestly see what would make anyone desperate enough to have Pete Wentz, a man so incredibly annoying and pointless that even Bono thinks it’s a bit much, judge their musical ability. Unless they’re still about 12 years old and think that Wentz is OMG LIKE SO TOTALLY BUFF YEH!

Anyway, congratulations Hard Rock Calling, whatever credibility you had left after changing your name to that of an overpriced theme restaurant has just evaporated.

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God, why do you hate us so?

If we made a human body out of all the music ever written, then Beethoven, Mozart and that lot would be the brain. The strong right arm would be made out of bits of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. The speedy legs would be stitched together from pieces of Napalm Death, Slayer and Crazy Frog.

We’d probably use U2 and Coldplay for the testicles.

And Blink-182? We’re seeing them as the long, black hair sticking out of that suspicious mole on our back, that keeps annoying us by getting snagged when we put our shirt on.

You remember Blink-182, right? They’re that band from a few years ago with the genuine, in yer face punk mentality three tits with tats.

On the scale of punk attitude – a scientific measure, which goes from the Sex Pistols and Ramones, through Green Day and right out to Ronan Keating – Blink-182  come in just below “Ambient Chillout Volume 14: Kittens Purring As They Are Stroked By A Little Girl“.

Back in 2005, anyone not being ravaged by the hormonal storm of adolescence was overjoyed by the news that Blink-182 had split up. There were street parties, free cake for all, and an international Day of Celebration was announced.

The last four years have been a beautiful time for music lovers, living free from the threat of sub-bubblegum-punk-pop-wank-rock with videos showing the craaazy Blink boys running naked through a city full of actors looking surprised. Though their naughty bits were blurred out: they may be wild punk anarcho-rockers but, y’know, their mums were going to see that.

Well, all good things must end. And apparently, shit things never do, they just keep going on and on despite literally the entire world begging them to stop. On Friday night, Blink-182 played live, and loved it so much they’ve decided to go on tour. With Weezer and Fall Out Boy as support.

We cannot conceive of a less appealing combination. If forced to choose, we would rather go see a show called ‘Yoko Ono Sings Ancient Polynesian Folksongs Accompanied By One Thousand Dental Drills And A Small Dog Being Kicked Around The Stage’.

Mark Hoppus, one of the hateful people responsible for making Blink-182′s music, released a heartfelt message of gratitude:

“Thanks to everyone who was there. Thanks to T-Mobile. And most of all, thanks to Travis and Tom.”

So there you go, Blink-182 fans. In the band’s mental listing of people who matter it’s THEM first obviously, then their corporate sponsors, then probably their sponsors’ employees, the employee’s families, the employees’ cats, a fella called Bob or Bill or Marcus they met once in a healthfood store he seemed like he’d be fun to have a drink with, then you lot.

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If you’ve ever been to a wedding, or seen one on the TV, or in a film, or read about them, or just, well, know anything about them at all, you’ll know that before the happy couple can be officially married the priest will say: “If anyone knows reasons why these two can’t be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Whenever that’s said, you know if would be amusing for someone to stand up and say something – be it someone screaming: “I’m pregnant with his child!” or: “he’s a wife beater!” or even the ever-popular: "he gave me some kind of incurable VD on his stag night, and he's quite possibly a vampire!"

Top pop mimer Ashlee Simpson must have been wondering where those people were at her recent wedding, though she probably didn't expect the holding-of-the-peace to be broken by her new husband. Hubby Pete Wentz has only gone and said that he used to indulge in a bit of man love, or holding-of-the-piece, as it were.

But before everyone accuses him of being trapped in the closet, he says it was done as a form of 'sexual rebellion', whatever that means.

Throughout the course of history it’s well documented that various people in society have rebelled: back in the early 1900’s, crazy Emmeline Pankhurst and her gang of suffragettes battled for the female UK vote, Martin Luther King also fought (and died) for the right for black people to vote. These people tried to make a difference in a world they saw as patently unfair, in whatever way they could. What Pete Wentz has achieved through tonguing a couple of his own kind is beyond us.

Perhaps he did it as a part of dare when playing spin the bottle, or maybe he just wants to look a bit harder then he is. However, he doesn’t help himself anymore when he refers to himself as 'half gay'.  Umm, unless it’s us, isn’t that someone who's bi-sexual, like the worldwide superstar Tila Tequila? You know someone who loves boys and girls equally and just wants to spread love like butter on a hot piece of toast?

Of the monumentous revelation, Wentz said:

“When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that.”

Grr, you go get them tiger!

Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!

We are so good at witch hunts! Let’s try another one: Ashlee Simpson to have an abortion? No, unfortunately, we probably won’t catch that one. Sorry God, it’s over to you.

Poor old Pete Wentz; one minute you’re a single guy in a world famous rock band with endless possibilities ahead of you, having your merry way with a myriad of mentally malnourished girls; the next you’re stuck with just one of those girls, in a legally bound cage, for at least the next 18 years.

What does this signal for the future of humanity? Could this be the end of the band? Will this be the end to Fall Out Boy? Where’s Radioactive Man when you need him? With any luck he’ll be taking his radioactive powers to a gynaecologist near you but, having said that, if ever there was a moral reason to bring another hungry mouth into this world then the destruction of Fall Out Boy would be it.

A spokesperson for the couple told People.com:

We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends

Ashlee Simpson’s big sister Jessica attended with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo (to any UK folk reading, Tony Romo is a man who throws an inflatable egg to other men for money, like Jonny Wilkinson but with padding and tighter pants) and was maid of honour, whilst Pete’s bulldog Hemingway acted as ring bearer.

Ernest Hemingway, who we assume the dog is named after, was of course married four times before he killed himself.

Three cheers for Pete And Ashlee!

Read More – Ashlee Simpson Confirms Pregnancy At Her Wedding, eFlux Media