God, why do you hate us so?

If we made a human body out of all the music ever written, then Beethoven, Mozart and that lot would be the brain. The strong right arm would be made out of bits of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. The speedy legs would be stitched together from pieces of Napalm Death, Slayer and Crazy Frog.

We’d probably use U2 and Coldplay for the testicles.

And Blink-182? We’re seeing them as the long, black hair sticking out of that suspicious mole on our back, that keeps annoying us by getting snagged when we put our shirt on.

You remember Blink-182, right? They’re that band from a few years ago with the genuine, in yer face punk mentality three tits with tats.

On the scale of punk attitude – a scientific measure, which goes from the Sex Pistols and Ramones, through Green Day and right out to Ronan Keating – Blink-182  come in just below “Ambient Chillout Volume 14: Kittens Purring As They Are Stroked By A Little Girl“.

Back in 2005, anyone not being ravaged by the hormonal storm of adolescence was overjoyed by the news that Blink-182 had split up. There were street parties, free cake for all, and an international Day of Celebration was announced.

The last four years have been a beautiful time for music lovers, living free from the threat of sub-bubblegum-punk-pop-wank-rock with videos showing the craaazy Blink boys running naked through a city full of actors looking surprised. Though their naughty bits were blurred out: they may be wild punk anarcho-rockers but, y’know, their mums were going to see that.

Well, all good things must end. And apparently, shit things never do, they just keep going on and on despite literally the entire world begging them to stop. On Friday night, Blink-182 played live, and loved it so much they’ve decided to go on tour. With Weezer and Fall Out Boy as support.

We cannot conceive of a less appealing combination. If forced to choose, we would rather go see a show called ‘Yoko Ono Sings Ancient Polynesian Folksongs Accompanied By One Thousand Dental Drills And A Small Dog Being Kicked Around The Stage’.

Mark Hoppus, one of the hateful people responsible for making Blink-182’s music, released a heartfelt message of gratitude:

“Thanks to everyone who was there. Thanks to T-Mobile. And most of all, thanks to Travis and Tom.”

So there you go, Blink-182 fans. In the band’s mental listing of people who matter it’s THEM first obviously, then their corporate sponsors, then probably their sponsors’ employees, the employee’s families, the employees’ cats, a fella called Bob or Bill or Marcus they met once in a healthfood store he seemed like he’d be fun to have a drink with, then you lot.

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Whenever that’s said, you know if would be amusing for someone to stand up and say something – be it someone screaming: “I’m pregnant with his child!” or: “he’s a wife beater!” or even the ever-popular: "he gave me some kind of incurable VD on his stag night, and he's quite possibly a vampire!"

Top pop mimer Ashlee Simpson must have been wondering where those people were at her recent wedding, though she probably didn't expect the holding-of-the-peace to be broken by her new husband. Hubby Pete Wentz has only gone and said that he used to indulge in a bit of man love, or holding-of-the-piece, as it were.

But before everyone accuses him of being trapped in the closet, he says it was done as a form of 'sexual rebellion', whatever that means.

Throughout the course of history it’s well documented that various people in society have rebelled: back in the early 1900’s, crazy Emmeline Pankhurst and her gang of suffragettes battled for the female UK vote, Martin Luther King also fought (and died) for the right for black people to vote. These people tried to make a difference in a world they saw as patently unfair, in whatever way they could. What Pete Wentz has achieved through tonguing a couple of his own kind is beyond us.

Perhaps he did it as a part of dare when playing spin the bottle, or maybe he just wants to look a bit harder then he is. However, he doesn’t help himself anymore when he refers to himself as 'half gay'.  Umm, unless it’s us, isn’t that someone who's bi-sexual, like the worldwide superstar Tila Tequila? You know someone who loves boys and girls equally and just wants to spread love like butter on a hot piece of toast?

Of the monumentous revelation, Wentz said:

“When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that.”

Grr, you go get them tiger!

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!

We are so good at witch hunts! Let’s try another one: Ashlee Simpson to have an abortion? No, unfortunately, we probably won’t catch that one. Sorry God, it’s over to you.

Poor old Pete Wentz; one minute you’re a single guy in a world famous rock band with endless possibilities ahead of you, having your merry way with a myriad of mentally malnourished girls; the next you’re stuck with just one of those girls, in a legally bound cage, for at least the next 18 years.

What does this signal for the future of humanity? Could this be the end of the band? Will this be the end to Fall Out Boy? Where’s Radioactive Man when you need him? With any luck he’ll be taking his radioactive powers to a gynaecologist near you but, having said that, if ever there was a moral reason to bring another hungry mouth into this world then the destruction of Fall Out Boy would be it.

A spokesperson for the couple told People.com:

We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends

Ashlee Simpson’s big sister Jessica attended with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo (to any UK folk reading, Tony Romo is a man who throws an inflatable egg to other men for money, like Jonny Wilkinson but with padding and tighter pants) and was maid of honour, whilst Pete’s bulldog Hemingway acted as ring bearer.

Ernest Hemingway, who we assume the dog is named after, was of course married four times before he killed himself.

Three cheers for Pete And Ashlee!

Read More – Ashlee Simpson Confirms Pregnancy At Her Wedding, eFlux Media