Lisping, limp-wristed rocknut Pete Wentz got divorced from candy floss brained Ashlee Simpson and everyone remembered how surprised they were when they heard the pair were getting married in the first place.
What did some emo ballbag ever have in common with a glazed cherry of a woman? Apart from the mutual simpletonry of course?
Either way, the pair slowly closed their mouths and blinked into the sunlight while it quietly dawned on them that, in fact, they didn’t have a damn thing in common apart from some offspring. So they decided to split and now they’re having incredibly polite arguments in court (the most they’ve ever spoken to each other, ever).
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Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have filed for divorce because, in their own sweet way, they’re both insanely irritating and gaspingly thick. C’mon, ‘Champagne For My Real Friend, Real Pain For My Sham Friends’ is a song title so bad that the English language itself has reportedly tried to commit suicide.
Of course, the pair are citing that age-old, trusted reason of “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for the break-up.
The world mourns the loss of this shining example of everything that is great about humankind, clearly.
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The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn’t the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object dá, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.
Right? RIGHT?
If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here’s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:
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God, why do you hate us so?
If we made a human body out of all the music ever written, then Beethoven, Mozart and that lot would be the brain. The strong right arm would be made out of bits of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. The speedy legs would be stitched together from pieces of Napalm Death, Slayer and Crazy Frog.
We’d probably use U2 and Coldplay for the testicles.
And Blink-182? We’re seeing them as the long, black hair sticking out of that suspicious mole on our back, that keeps annoying us by getting snagged when we put our shirt on.
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If you’ve ever been to a wedding, or seen one on the TV, or in a film, or read about them, or just, well, know anything about them at all, you’ll know that before the happy couple can be officially married the priest will say: “If anyone knows reasons why these two can’t be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Whenever that’s said, you know if would be amusing for someone to stand up and say something – be it someone screaming: “I’m pregnant with his child!” or: “he’s a wife beater!” or even the ever-popular: "he gave me some kind of incurable VD on his stag night, and he's quite possibly a vampire!"
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Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.
They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.
Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:
There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.
Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!
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