Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.
But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.
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Normally when we see the ridiculous antics of groups of girls and younger gays on Twitter, clubbing together to form an online “army” and ruining Trending Topics for everyone, we usually want them all to die in a Lady Gaga inspired fire.
There’s armies for One Direction, Justin Bieber, Cheryl Cole; if you’re a modern popstar cum bumwipe, chances are you’ll have yourself an army of devoted fans eventually.
But what happens when Armies turn bad? Well, that’s what Adele is finding out as she is getting some awful things said about her over Twitter recently. Truthful and hilarious, but still awful things.
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Kanye West is a man so needy that it actually makes the planet we stand on wince. That said, it is kinda fun to have this celebrity waltzing around with ideas that he’s the next Picasso rather than the standard fodder of self aggrandising rapper from the streets chat.
As such, Kanye is always keen to point out to everyone that he does things a little different. He’s a real curate’s egg of a man.
And he took himself down to by With The People and protestors at the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City this week. And there, he showcased the classic ‘I’m not doing any interviews, to promote myself’ thing.
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There aren’t many people out there who take Chris Brown’s past very seriously. Apparently, we should just forget all about the whole punching Rihanna in the face repeatedly and storming around a TV studio, shirtless, throwing chairs at windows.
It’s our fault. Not his. We should just let go. Despite the fact he hasn’t ever got around to actually saying sorry. That’s probably our fault as well.
And, in another move that’s probably our fault as well, Brown has been banned from entering the UK to perform at the ill-advised Michael Jackson tribute concert in Cardiff, because he has a criminal record from punching Rihanna in the face. Loads.
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Lady GaGa is a woman obsessed by fame. She loves it. She likes the idea, the smell, the taste and the lumpy feel of it. She would wouldn’t she? She hasn’t been famous long enough to become jaded by the idea.
It’s all one big, vague art project to her.
And despite the fact she’s only been famous for the blink of a mayfly’s eye, that hasn’t stopped people wanting to cash in on her own clamber to the top of the popular culture pole. Let it be noted that by ‘pole’, we mean a long, slippery stick rather than a man from Warsaw. If becoming famous was as simple as humping a Polish gentleman, we’d all be at it, right? Just us? Oh.
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We’ve all seen rather a lot of Rihanna over the years and she’s increasingly keen to tell us all about her sex-life. Basically, she’s now sounding like one of those highly sexualised virgins you find taking self-shots on Tumblr.
Ostensibly, she’s turning into one of those tiresome young people who can’t stop talking about vaguely risque sex, but regrettably, is very easy on the eye so we all gawp like sickos every time she flashes her arse.
Yet, as we know, last week Northern Irish farmerman Alan Graham asked Rihanna to leave his field after he spotted her running around with her baps out while she shot a promotional video. And now he’s getting hatemail from Rihanna fans who are clearly the most stupid people on Earth (not including Chris Brown and Queen fans, natch).
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When Chris Brown was at school, we imagine that he was the kid who tried his best to do everything right, but always screwed up. But, as everyone knows, Brown discovered a talent he excels at over most people.
Team Breezy, aka Deluded Lovers of Chris Brown will claim it’s the size of his love sausage following leaked photos, but people living in the real world know he’s a champion boxer.
Granted, he hasn’t battled anyone in the ring, though Rihanna has first-hand experience of how a buck toothed twerp gets rid of his frustrations. But don’t worry; all he needed to do was show he was a kind and caring individual by recording a song with crooning foetus Justin Bieber, making everything as right as a jab to the face.
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So let us get this right: It’s disgusting and pervy for a fully grown adult woman to fancy Justin Bieber, but it’s totally okay to lust after the march team of amniotic gyrators from One Direction?
Just trying to understand the psych of you monstrous men and women out there.
Anyway, womby fancy-piece, Harry Styles from Wand Erection (people still make that joke? Amazing) had a bit of an accident in G-A-Y and some cake this weekend, creating a very specific sexual interest for some of you perverts. And yes, there’s a video.
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