Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.
The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.
Why?
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Ricki Lake is a lovely sod isn’t she? Even if her particular brand of cheeriness and optimism grates, you can’t truly hate her can you? Of course you can. She’s a celebrity. You can hate them all you want.
Despite being considerably more wealthy than you, her successes don’t mean she’s not prone to massive thickery.
See, Ricki is just as stupid as anyone else and can totally be duped by people online. She was all ready to marry a man from England who she’s found via online dating and, remarkably, it transpired that he was a “user and liar”.
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You all remember Kim Kardashian, right? She’s the business woman and entrepreneur who is also the star of her own reality television series with her whole family. She’s worth a bit of cash is Kim but, in keeping with the American dream, vacuous idiots can always have more.
Is Kim Kardashian a vacuous idiot? IS SHE? WE ASKED IF YOU THOUGHT KIMMY K WAS A BLITHERING NINCOMPOOP?
No, of course she isn’t. Why?
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For some reason, we’ve credited you slobs with some intelligence. Christ knows why. We’ve read the comments you leave. Either way, some of you ain’t so bad. Some of you have probably only seen Jersey Shore out of morbid curiosity.
If you watched it, you probably thought ‘By Jove! This is faker than Kim Kardashian’s wedding!‘
If you’ve been watching the antics of Snooki & Co, thinking that it’s BLATES REAL (or whatever you wobbling colostomy bags say these days), then we’ve got news for you. And someone with more spare time has made a video which proves it. OKAY?
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“hecklersprayers, I’m getting a man. He’s got blondey-brown hair with a reddy tinge and he might wear glasses? Or shoes? His name begins with a D…no? An S? Still no-one? T? Ah yes. Is it Terry? Tommy you say. He says that he’s sorry and that he’s forgiven you.”
Which is the cue for the audience member to burst into tears and hail Sally Morgan as some modern day Jesus, except with a few more pounds in her bank account. He knows it’s not about the money, money, money. It’s all about the kick ass robes.
Which is what it’s been for years now. Sally Morgan has steadfastly made a name for herself as being an authentic psychic, even though there’s not really such a thing; Spreading messages from beyond the grave to bored housewives, people who should know better and professional vagina-heads Katie Price and Diana, Princess of Hearts (may she rest in peace… or, y’know, pestered by psychics in the afterlife).
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Chocolate! It’s a wonderful invention. Not only did it get thousands of American soldiers laid during the second world war, it’s also a tasty treat that you can give your kids. Your kids who will die of a fatty liver by the time they’re 25. Not only that, it’s an indulgent treat for you to force down your gullet at every available second while telling yourself that it’s just a little slip-up.
It might not surprise you to learn that there are loads of ways to advertise chocolate because it’s such a universally beloved product. The big question is that of the target market. If there isn’t an established target market for product then we end up with mad-eyed children, planting ideas about milk chocolate in your head through a hypnotic eyebrow dance.
That kind of confusion might spark ‘water-cooler’ conversation but it doesn’t make anyone want to eat a bar of Dairy Milk, no matter what anyone claims.
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Here at hecklerspray we love to get involved in the great big sexism debate that rears its head every time Editor Mof slaps one of the female writers on the arse and tells them that they’re doing a great job “for a bird”. After that, the ensuing three day wildcat strike by our female staff will come to an end and everything will return to normal. Until next week.
It will come as no surprise to many of our readers that things don’t actually go that way at all and that it is the male writers who live in fear of their colleagues sexually harassing them while belting out ‘Swagger Jagger’ by Cher Lloyd at the tops of their voices. We don’t dare call it caterwauling because they can and will slash our faces.
The hecklerspray bedsit is a liberated feminist zone… of fear.
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Kim Kardashian may well be getting married and starring in a show with her sisters despite lacking in any discernible talent, but that doesn’t stop people admiring her buttocks. In many respects, her chebs are more famous than Kardashian’s sisters.
Her famous posterior has seen people admiring how well formed it is, assuming that it must be fake in some way.
And so, to scotch rumours that she’s had bumplants, Kim Kardashian has decided to stand next to a light board and point at an x-ray of an arse to prove that her rump is 100% Armenian or something. And yes, if you’re a fan of staring at a woman pointing toward translucent arse bones, we’ve got the picture.
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