Articles tagged with: Fake
The first time Lindsay Lohan was ever accused of stealing, it was by an unattractive female DJ who then pretended she couldn't find her heart. The next time she was accused of stealing it was by the Mexican government - who claimed they couldn't find Monterrey or three of its suburbs after she stayed there for a long weekend. The third time she was accused of stealing, allegations included allusions to corporate espionage and reports of illicit Hollywood spray tans. That last one - it's unfolding even as we speak.
Remember when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills got married and everyone wondered if it was the biggest non-event in all of history? Guess what - it wasn't! According to all sorts of horribly depressing reports, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren't going to legally formalise their Mexican wedding! It was all a great big waste of everyone's time! But, really, Heidi and Spencer should know that fake weddings are so passe - next time they want headlines they should try something more original, like getting caught in a bear trap or developing asbestos poisoning or playing frisbee with some landmines or something.
Everyone can calm down now, the panic's over - Michael Jackson's lungs aren't disgusting scab-covered peanuts after all. Yes, we know there was a report yesterday claiming that Michael Jackson needed a lung transplant because he suffers from a potentially fatal genetic condition that has also destroyed his eyesight, but Michael Jackson is adamant that it's untrue. And if anyone says that Michael Jackson has a set of knackered lungs and rubbish vision, then he'll hunt you down like a dog. But only if it's in a well-lit environment. And it shouldn't involve any running, either - he wears out easily, you know.
Bad news - if you want to see what Jimi Hendrix looks like having sex, you'll either need a time machine or a shovel and some puppet strings. Because, we're sad to report, the much-vaunted Jimi Hendrix sex tape has been exposed as a lie. True, the man having sex looks a whole lot like Jimi Hendrix, but Experience Hendrix - the company which controls Jimi Hendrix's rights - is now claiming that the tape is a fraud. And if Experience Hendrix says that the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is a fake, then that's the truth. It should know better than anyone because it's made up of members of the Hendrix family. All families have the moral obligation to exactly memorise what their long-dead relatives looked like during sex for this precise reason. We have - have you?
Sex tape karma is a beautiful thing - after making us pray for blindness with the Gene Simmons sex tape, it's now repaying us with a Kristin Davis sex tape.
You know, Kristin Davis. The uppity one from Sex And The City. There's a Kristin Davis sex tape. And there's not even a second of 1980s power-ballad in there at all. Take that, Simmons.
Except, wait, buckle your belt back up - Kristin Davis says that the Kristin Davis sex tape is a phony. That's not her in the sex tape gobbling on a man's genitals or in the accompanying pictures sitting on a toilet with her minge sticking out, Kristin says. She only knows because in the real Kristin Davis sex tape she's wearing a pony saddle, a pair of safety goggles and is covered head-to-toe in bacon. We heard.
When Maxim gave two and a half stars to The Black Crowes' new album Warpaint, suspicions everywhere were raised pretty quickly.
Because, come on, two and a half stars out of five for an album by The Black Crowes? That's a bit bloody generous by anyone's standards.
Anyway, now that The Black Crowes have kicked up an almighty stink about Maxim's fake Warpaint review, the magazine has been forced into issuing a humiliating apology that's bound to harm its readership. After all, how are horny teenage boys expected to wank themselves into a sticky mess over pictures of Megan Fox in a bikini now they know that a blues-oriented hard rock jam-band got given an invented but probably accurate review in a previous issue?
The US Prison in Cumberland, MD isn't a perfect institution by any stretch of the imagination. We will say this about it though, of all the prisons we've ever been incarcerated in for three years or more at a time, Cumberland absolutely positively has the best tater tots we've ever tasted.
We were sceptical at first as the plate containing them slid under our half-ton steel door. They were piled in a sloppy pyramid next to green beans and some tough chicken. We pushed them around with our fork for a bit, then stabbed one to bring it up for a sniff. It smelled potato-ish, this was refreshing. Also, we individually spun a dozen of them on our right-pointy finger at the same time. This looked totally awesome. Then we used the tater tots to circumvent the in-house security system and knock out lots of guards until we gained our freedom.
Once outside the perimeters, we touched the sweet sweet tots to our lips and experienced a taste explosion unparallelled by any we'd ever experienced before. When we came to we realised this was because we'd coincidentally been tazed just then, but still. The tots were good, man.
Actually, none of that was true. We've never been to prison, and if we had we're sure we'd be permanently too scared to eat. Our potato review stands though, because you don't need to taste a tot to know it'd be delicious. It's kind of the way Maxim reviews albums apparently - without listening to them at all. It seems they did that to the Black Crowes just recently here.
