Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that we can’t possibly top yesterday’s Eurovision profile.

And you’re right. We can’t. Yesterday we profiled the worst Eurovision song in history, and nothing can come close to even equalling its magnificent awfulness. But here’s the next best thing – the favourite to win Eurovision. Relax, though – it’s performed by a child who’ll you’ll probably want to injure.

Here, then, is the Eurovision 2009 profile for Alexander Rybak from Norway…

Norway · Alexander Rybak, Fairytale

Believe what you read and you’d think that Norway had this year’s Eurovision Song Contest all sewn up. After all, it’s a little bit Irish-sounding, it’s written and performed by an impossibly young handsome international star and musical polymath and it got more selection votes than any other song in Norwegian history. But look a little closer at Alexander Rybak. Look at all the precocious confidence in his cocky little voice. Look at the carefree way he throws back his shoulders. Look at the unnaturally thick flop of his hair. Alexander Rybak, friends, is nothing more than the Norwegian Ray Quinn. And as such he must be stopped. Stopped, you hear? STOPPED!

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Because it's Christmas time, it's time to wander around the high street like everyone else to try and buy presents for your cherished loved ones.

Well that’s a lie – actually you have to purchase stuff for relatives you see once every three years who still call you Jimmy by mistake and who keep on getting you a Now compilation CD because they think its “cool”. Anyhow, at the end of December your bank balance is as dry as the turkey your mum serves up on Christmas day and you don’t have any money to go out on New Years Eve even though everything is overpriced and generally shit anyway. However, somebody out there has too much money. Instead of lending us a tenner so we can do better than buying supermarket-brand aftershave for our dad, they’ve only gone out and spent $4 million dollars on the JK Rowling book.  

Now Harry Potter fans, please don’t don your non-magical Asda-branded cape and magic wand – there isn’t a surprise spin-off book charting the adventures of recently outed wizard Dumbledore. Sadly there are to be no stories of him coming to terms with his sexuality and abusing young wizards as part of supposed “extra curricular activity”. 

Instead, JK Rowling has been quite busy writing another book entitled The Tales Of Beedle The Bard. This new work is full of fairy tales and other such fantasy bollocks. But is this like any other bog standard book? Of course not, there has to be some sort of twist in it somewhere seeing as JK Rowling is involved.  

Despite fans around the world literally ready to sacrifice their own flatmate for her next piece of literature, Rowling has decided to make The Tales Of Beedle The Bard an ultra-mega rare book. Basically, it’s as rare as rocking horse shit and you’re not getting one because you’re not special. All you’ll get is two fingers from the author in question.  

Only seven copies of the new book are in existence. That's because each one is handwritten by JK Rowling herself – or someone she employed whilst she slipped of for a quick fag. We aren’t sure why there is only seven and not ten, 50 or even 100. It may be because a) It’s a lucky number, b) she got sick of using tippex to cover up her mistakes, or c) her hand got sore and she couldn’t be arsed anymore.

If that wasn’t enough to make everyone go crazy, the book is encased in a leather cover and decorated with jewels and not tin foil which to us is equally impressive. Out of the seven copies, six were given by Rowling to people who were closely connected to Harry Potter. Sadly this doesn’t mean hecklerspray. We can’t imagine why.

The remaining copy was sold at posh auction house Sotheby’s in London. Whilst it was only expected to fetch £50,000 it reached this amount fairly quickly as a fierce bidding war broke out, and eventually the book sold for a grand total of £1.95 million. Unfortunately, the lucky bidder was not an eccentric billionaire who wipes his arse with £100 bills, but the London art agent Hazlitt, Gooden and Fox. We don’t know if it’s going on display at any point, but if so, we imagine it to be encased in a reinforced glass box with seven angry attack dogs ready to scar any poor sucker who attempts to dare touch the holy grail of JK Rowling writing.

It doesn't matter, because JK Rowling would be thrilled even if they set it on fire and threw it in the bin, so long as the charity it was being sold in aid of got its money. It is all going to The Children’s Voice campaign which aims to give kiddie winks across Europe a fair and equal upbringing.  

Hecklerspray might do the same as Rowling and attempt to sell off some unique works of our own. With the aid of an old-fashioned typewriter, we will type as many stories as we can before we get bored and offer them to you the lucky reader. Spending a small fortune on your own badly misspelt article due to no automatic grammar checks could literally change your life forever. Or possibly not. 

Read more:

JK Rowling Fairytales Fetch £1.95m – Press Association