It looks like Justin Bieber won’t have a little friend to play with in his sandbox after Mariah Yeater dropped her lawsuit which alleged that the infant singer fathered her four-month old son with his hairless willy.

The depressing thing about that is, in particular, that he almost certainly didn’t tell a young fan that he wanted to ‘eff her brains out‘. We liked the idea of that sentiment making a comeback.

Either way, this lawsuit has shown a more snidey, snarky side of Bieber which has been slowly revealing itself over the last year, giving credence to the idea that JB has actually been replaced with a lookalike by the Illuminati.

Yeater had said that she became pregnant with the ‘Baby’ singer’s child following a… get this… 30-second romp (each your heart out Boris Becker!) backstage after one of his concerts in Los Angeles in October 2010. No. ‘Backstage’ is not a euphemism for which direction Bieber could’ve entered Yeater’s gluff.

Of course, Justin has continually and vehemently denied the claims, but just to look more innocent, he absolutely agreed to a paternity test.

The suit was quietly withdrawn last week.

Mariah’s lawyers – Lance Rogers and Matt Pare – have also slowly backed away from the claim and stopped representing Mariah after JB’s attorney Howard Weitzman warned Yeater they were planning to sue her and her legal representatives for making false claims.

And like a cyclist tackling a double decker bus, there’s only ever going to be one winner, and that’s the bigger, rougher boys with the money.

Justin insisted he would not “waste” his time meeting his accuser face-to-face because her claims were so vindictive, noting that:

“All this stuff is dealt with by my legal team. But if they want me to (take a paternity test) then I will.”

When asked what he would say to Mariah if he could meet her, he said:

“Nothing, I wouldn’t waste my time. I guess (she’s done this) for attention, but it’s not something I am interested in. These people are not worth my thought or time.”

Remember when Bieber was all forgiving, kindly and Christian? Look at him now! Scorning people and saying they’re a waste of his precious time!

Ladies and gentlemen, the rot has set in! Justin Bieber (or his replacement) is on the cusp of becoming dead-eyed, hollowed out and cynically nasty.

BRILLIANT.

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There’s been reports that Justin Bieber has been in a minor car accident this week while driving around in a Ferrari in Los Angeles. Even the police have confirmed that the pint-sized popstar was in an accident.

The official line is that there was no injury or damage to the car according to the authorities.

However, we’ve uncovered some shocking news that the young singer has already passed away and replaced by a reckless lookalike. There’s lots of concrete evidence to support this too, if you know where to look. It would appear that Justin Bieber is dead.

First off, there’s the change in his personality. For a while, Bieber was as wholesome as can be, but recent reports show Bieber to be brattish and quick-tempered. It’s obvious that the split with Selena Gomez is a result of the young singer not being able to cope with this new imposter, unwilling to tow the record company’s line on this.

There’s long been rumours that the original Bieber was being forced to take oestrogen pills in a bid to maintain his boyish charm and thwart the advances of puberty. Have you noticed how high his voice remained, despite being a teenager?

It could be that the pressures and hormonal imbalance caused Bieber to end his own life?

There’s suggestions that he could’ve been killed by the illuminati. In Bieber’s song, ‘Baby’, backmasking reveals a series of sinister messages declaring war and professing to be evil.

It’s obvious that the original Bieber – a good Christian boy – would not have been happy with these messages, enabling the illuminati to kill him and replace him with a lookalike who is more willing to hide messages in song.

Bieber has also taken time to praise various rappers, with a particular penchant for Tupac. Of course, it is suggested that ‘Pac was killed by the illuminati, which Shakur predicted before his death in the song ‘Killuminati’.

He rapped:

“I’m comin back like Jesus, bow down to my ill nation”

As well as:

“Yo Makaveli they can’t stop you”

This is clear reference to Niccolò Machiavelli, a man who faked his death.

The Machiavelli link is even more sinister. If you take the name Niccolo Machiavelli and mix up the letters, you get “a chic vanillic mole”.

In terms of some perhaps faking his death to escape the clutches of the illuminati, we need to look closer at this. ‘A chic vanillic mole’ refers to the fact that Bieber is incredibly popular right now (or, ‘in vogue’ or ‘chic’) and very boy-next-door safe for consumers (or, ‘vanillic’ if you will). The mole is a reference to Bieber’s surname – which comes from the Bavarian for ‘beaver’. The mole is widely regarded to be the land-dwelling equivalent of the beaver, which brings us to a clear indication that Justin Bieber’s death, or perhaps faked-death, was predicted many years ago.

Bieber’s willingness to praise Tupac was clearly the young singer whistle-blowing. Examine his lyrics and you’ll find more clues to his death (faked or otherwise).

“I never thought that I could walk through fire, I never thought I could take the burn. I never had the strength to take it higher, until I reached the point of no return.”

This, taken from the chilling Never Say Never, is backed up with more clues.

“I never thought I could feel this power”

Is this ‘power’, the feeling of release that Bieber would feel once he ‘dies’, in a bid to escape the clutches of the illuminati? He goes on:

“Like David and Goliath, I conquered a giant, so now I got the world in my hand…”

The lyrics then go on to talk about landing on the moon – perhaps a nod to the lunar conspiracies which are inextricably linked to illuminati activity?

This feeling of power is also mixed with a clawing sense of claustrophobia. In Down To Earth, he sings:

“The walls are closing in on us”

In Runaway Love, he notes:

“I’m running out of time…”

Even Bieber’s album is titled, ‘My World 2.0′. A clear indication that this is a second, ‘updated’ version of the popstar. Was the original Bieber killed off or disappeared before it’s release? You only have to look at Justin to know that there’s something awry here.

As you can see in this young picture of Bieber, he looks completely different to the way he looks now. The cheekbones are more defined. His hair is a different colour. He’s started to wear sunglasses in an attempt to throw fans off the scent. Did Bieber create the Shawty Mane alter-ego to try and continue releasing music from ‘beyond the grave’?

We’ve been asked privately, not to share this information. We feel it is too important to keep to ourselves. And sure, you may dismiss this as the ramblings of a lunatic, but hecklerspray has been working tirelessly as a team to uncover the sinister truth behind Justin Bieber.

There’s clearly shadowy forces at work. How else can you justify is incredible influence and popularity in the world? We will continue to investigate this and, of course, you dear reader, are invited to conduct your own lines of questioning as we work toward getting the truth out about Justin Bieber’s death.

Justin is dead man, miss him, miss him. Are you a true Belieber?

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Christmas is promoted over summer these days, since stupid capitalism got involved. They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year and who are we to disagree? Children throw strops when their parents won’t buy them a games console to replace last year’s outdated model whilst long lost relatives crawl out the woodwork looking for presents.

But the most irritatingly thing about Christmas isn’t the dry turkey or lack of birthday cake for Jesus with its 2000+ candles – it’s the awful music.

Crusty rockers such as Slade cash-in on royalties as TV and radio stations lazily play a variety of supposedly feel good hits that get us in the mood for eating and drinking ’til we get diabetes. Recent years have seen X-Factor contestants pester us with songs that usually take the number one position, but if that wasn’t enough to make you upset, Justin Bieber has decided to release his own Christmas album. We think we can hear baby Jesus driving nails into his hands again.

It’s a shame that Jesus is dead, because we’d love to see what sort of songs he’d put on a compilation, or even spin in a nightclub under the alias of DJ J-Suss. Perhaps a religious cult is hoping that Justin Bieber’s angelic like voice will trigger the return of our lord saviour, returning to planet Earth so he command the world’s superheroes. Batman and Superman must surely be the equivalent of community support officers, filling in for Jesus until he’s back on the beat.

Like many artists before him, we imagine that Justin Bieber will take a batch of archaic hymns and carols, giving them a modern day twist. By that, he’ll add a tinny sounding beat, a cheap and nasty melody that could be created on a poundshop keyboard and add a dash of pointless rapping with those bastard sleigh bells.

Regardless of this album sounding worse than a Cher Lloyd and Olly Murs collaboration, Bieber lovers will no doubt be flocking to snap up the record when it’s released, or opening it as a gift on Christmas day.

For any mortified parent reading this and hoping we’re talking our usual rubbish, you’ll be sad to know that news of a Justin Bieber album came straight from the mouth of the foetus itself. Using Twitter, he or one of his minions posted:

“So it’s true…been in the studio doing something special for Christmas. We are going to try and raise a lot of money this year for charity!”

As yet, the charity hasn’t yet been announced, but due to Justin Bieber still being a child and believing in Christmas creations like Santa, he’ll no doubt be investing any money raised in a course to teach reindeer how to fly. Just so they can be like Rudolph and all of his other merry chums that deliver us shoddily made goods each time the 25th December rolls round.

Or it’ll be put into a secret offshore bank account that Bieber will use to fund his heroin habit when times get bad.

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Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.

Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls’ eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who’ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.

The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl’s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!

Gomez’s romance with the seven year old dwarf singer, angered his tiny milk-teeth grinding fans. They really didn’t take kindly to their crush being taken away from them. As such, comedic messages of badly spelled hate were sent her way: Was this the reason that Selana kicked Bieber’s barely developed bottom to the curb?

Somebody muttered:

“She doesn’t feel Justin is quite mature enough yet to be in a long-term, stable relationship. She’s in the market for someone a little older and more worldly-wise and she was as unhappy about Justin’s friendship with bad boys Chris Brown and Sean Kingston.”

Friends with Sean Kingston and Chris Brown? Alarm bells would start ringing in any sane minded persons head. After all, we all know that part human, part muppet creation Sean Kingston has the uncanny ability to try and crack open his brains on Miami bridges.

As for Chris buck toothed Brown? We guess that Selena Gomez is one of the few ‘celebs in America to realise that punching someone in the race, regardless of their gender or status shouldn’t be allowed to regain popularity. But if smashing a chair through a window when asked questions about domestic assault makes you LOL, then Chris Brown must make a lot of people happy.

After a cup of hot chocolate, a cuddle with his blanket and kissing practice with his hand, Justin Bieber will bounce back to seduce some lucky child. If Michael Jackson was still with us, we’re sure an invite to Neverland would have already landed on his doormat.

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Justin Bieber has created a monster. That’s right – the 4 week old heartthrob has managed to get a young, innocent girl and turn her into a jaded, cynical, coal hearted ghoul. Bieber, mixed with American politics, has torn out the heart of a fragile young girl, now destined for a life of jaded pain.

So what happened?

Do you remember young Caroline Gonzalez being made mayor of a Texan town? Well, the 11 year old’s first act as Boss Of You was to rename Main Street ‘Justin Bieber Way’. Real talk. However, the machinery of the world has bitten her on the backside, creating a ghoulish creature ready to ruin the world. When she’s old enough of course.

See, what happened was that the sign made to rename the street has been stolen. Her first political act resulted in a rebellion from her people.

She’ll never trust another human as long as her feeble little heart has a beat in it.

Caroline’s father, Tony Gonzalez said that after she learned of the theft, he had…

“never seen her so mad”.

City officials have rushed a new sign out to replace it, which will also get stolen, thereby continuing the depressing spiral in the spirits of young Caroline Gonzalez.

Look what you’ve done America! If she goes on a machine gun rampage in a mall, you’ve only yourselves to blame.

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For once, we’d like to say how proud we are of someone. And the person is none other than Canadian dwarf warbler, Justin Bieber. Despite being twelve months old and having an entertainment career that’s spanned two decades, he’s kept his feet firmly on the floor and not gone off the rails.

You can’t say the same for his fans though.

One look at those guys and you can see some bona fide crazy behaviour. Because they aren’t tall enough to reach most objects, their shortness sparks anger which is usually thrown at h8erz like hecklerspray and Selena Gomez, Bieber’s ladyfriend. Fans of Bieber usually fling themselves at their idol like a footballer does towards brown envelopes of used bank notes. However, there is a way of showing how much you love Bieber without self harming with a Hello Kitty pen. In one backwards town in Texas, one Belieber managed to rename a grotty street after the singer.

You might be thinking why Forney, the town in Texas, would happily destroy its heritage by renaming Main Street to  Justin Bieber Way?

Perhaps the local police force saw the recent trouble across the UK and wanted to make sure that its own children didn’t take to the streets, looting whatever they could find. Justin Bieber is so brilliant that he could stop a riot. Easy.

Amazingly, the local mayor in Forney offered people the opportunity to become leader of the town for the day too, which was designed to spark government interest in young people. We don’t know what the criteria was to win the contest, but the lucky winner was eleven year old Caroline Gonzalez.

She is clearly not to be trusted.

And of course, hard political issues such as immigration and the economy weren’t discussed by the victor of the contest. After a cabinet of dolls and teddies had been formed, the first action of the day was in order, renaming a street to honour Justin Bieber. She said:

“I really like Justin Bieber. I like his music and I like him. And I thought, why not have a street in my hometown named after my favourite singer?”

To be fair, she seems more straight talking than most politicians. David Cameron or Barack Obama would be mincing their words and defending such a random act as some sort of warped way to link to job cuts or the obesity epidemic. It won’t be long though ’til Caroline Gonzalez is fiddling her expense sheet and found in a ditch with an orange in her mouth.

Still, where America walks, Britain follows, so fully expect to see Simon Cowell Grove and Rastamouse Avenue cropping up near you some time soon.

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It’s hard to know when you’ve achieved ultimate glory. For football players, gracing the cover of computer games is enough to know they’ve reached the dizzy heights of fame, though the modern player will argue that having a kiss and tell story whored out to the press is the current recognition of stardom. But what about popstars?

Of course, the obligatory merchandising goes with any musician, as branded calendars are labelled as highly collectable, easily enticing young fans to whip out their wallets. Surely every piece of tat to buy has been covered?

Well we certainly thought so, but try telling that to Justin Bieber. Despite just learning to walk, the crooning runt has recently released a perfume called ‘Someday.’ And now, he’s got the flavours of that and remixed them into a new product called the Bieber Bocker Glory. Whilst this sounds like some sort of sordid sex act, we’ve been told it’s an ice cream.

A fistful of dust could be sold to fans of Justin Bieber due to his unique ability to peddle any only tosh. However, it appears that some thought has gone into this strange ice cream creation. Even though perfume is just smelly water, all sorts of PR guff gets thrown around to try and make us think that we’re splashing our necks with ancient African fire herbs. The Bieber Bocker Glory simply takes the notes of the scent and blends them into something you can shove down your throat. It contains:

“Wild berry and vanilla ice cream, pear, lavender sprinkles, and edible glitter.”

Unconfirmed reports have us believe that the dessert will be severed up on a silver tray by a unicorn that’ll be firing a rainbow out of its horn and whistling the theme to Match Of The Day. If this was to happen, then expect to pay through the nose for the privilege, but for now, you’ll just have to trudge over to Harrods in London where you’ll no doubt be robbed blind for something that cost about £2 to literally whip up.

Sadly, there’s more Justin Bieber ice cream news.

It’s also been reported by a fanatical Bieber blog that Nestle have decided to produce ice cream bearing the Canadian singers face. In honour of his nation, we can only assume that the normal and slightly boring chocolate flavour will go out the window. Instead, we’ll be treated to a taste of Canada – like the taste of smashed in seals heads with thick sticky blood being replaced by strawberry sauce. But where can you buy this tasty treat? Don’t run down the supermarket at once now, it’s only available in Israel for some unknown reason.

Poor Israel, it isn’t like they have enough problems already without a gurning Justin Bieber ice cream bar to deal with.

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Selena Gomez may be stupid enough to stay with Justin Bieber (who seems more than happy to have her be on the receiving end of a load of death threats and, rumour has it, likes cheating on her too), but she’s certainly not daft enough to marry him.

See, Gomez obviously wants to listen to that nagging voice in the back of her mind that says “why yes, you are going out with an ogre of an infant… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t rinse him for money, gifts and reflected fame”.

That’s because, despite her wholly miserable co-existence with the warbling newborn, he does nice things like treating her to trips to Disneyland (where he was probably mistaken for Boo from Monsters Inc.) and constantly fiddles with her training bra while gurgling sexy noises. But marriage? Don’t be silly.

Hilariously, it appears that Gomez is waiting for a real man.

She’s not getting married to the Biebster because she wants to have sex with Transformers actor and Megan Fox marriage wrecker, Shia LaBeouf.

Speaking about LaBeouf, Selena admitted:

“I was so happy when I saw Shia. I was so star-struck. He probably thinks I’m crazy and I probably made a fool out of myself, but I love him. I have literally been obsessed with him since I was 15.”

“Shia’s older than me, so I look up to him. I don’t want to marry him, though!”

So purely physical then? Impressive. It seems that Selena is yearning for someone to come along and present themselves to satisfy her needs when she becomes legal… and she’s right to do so because, when that time comes, Bieber will invariably still be forming a solid fontanelle and shouting “MOMMY! I DONE A POOP MOMMY!”

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Infant prancer, Justin Bieber, is to take a month off work, meaning that, by the time August is up, he will have taken half of his life off as a holiday, which is quite astonishing and welcome news to anyone who is in possession of at least one crude hearing receptacle on their head.

In fairness, Bieber has been working incredibly hard doing things like growing finger nails, developing his speech to such an extent that he can ask for his ‘din dins’, and we shouldn’t forget that he’s managed to scowl at women who want an abortion after they’ve been raped.

But what has a Baby Whisperer translated JB’s gurglings to mean? Apparently, it involves God. Could Bieber be leaving music to go where the real money is, by starting up a cult?

The foetal hitmaker has hired a series of superstars to collaborate with him on his upcoming record. He’s hanging around with some of music’s pillars of the community.

This includes Kanye West who made Taylor Swift cry and announced to the world that he’d fallen in love with a porn star, as well as Chris Brown who thought it might be okay to repeatedly punch Rihanna in the face over and over again ’til she looks like the offal bucket in a butchers.

Hanging around with these guys, Bieber hopes, is going to help him mature.

A Baby Whisperers informs us that Justin says:

“I’ve been working so hard, I’m taking a month off. It’s been great to just think and enjoy hanging out with my friends.”

And this is where God comes in.

“I’m still growing up, and when you’re working every day, you don’t really get a chance to figure out who you are. So with the time off, I’m able to think, pray and just kind of grow up.”

He’s going off for a nice pray to a false God, who, with any luck, will inform Bieber to set up a new religious so that his fans can become literal Beliebers, all ready to descend into the woods for a life of no abortions, hanging around with men who thrash women and a finer appreciation of porn stars, all destined to end in a firey death like David Koresh.

This could be brilliant and, with any luck, filmed in 3D like Bieber’s last film.

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A girl’s 19th birthday is the most important day of her life isn’t it? It’s the day womenfolk shed that pesky third nipple, lose that feathery down and finally are allowed to start buying adult shoes.

It’s a momentous day.

And so, with it being a day of such huge importance, all friends and family drop everything to join the celebration of flowering womanhood. Unless you’re Selena Gomez. See, Selena is stepping out with the ghoulish infant, Justin Bieber, who simply can’t be bothered to go to this massive, massive occasion.

Gomez turns 19 this Friday (July 22nd, should you want to set a reminder up on your phone so you can send e-cards or death threats) and Bieber won’t be there. HE WON’T BE THERE.

Gomez says of the festivities:

“I think my mom has planned something for me. I didn’t really ask for anything, so I’m basically just going to be at tour rehearsal during the day. Maybe go to dinner at night with my family. Pretty boring.”

Then, choking on grief tears, answering the question about Bieber’s appearance…

“I actually think he’ll be in Atlanta. But that’s OK. We all gotta work.”

How brave. How very, very brave.

Gomez has a lot to live up to if she’s going to top her 18th bash. Last year, she celebrated with a barbecue which apparently had ‘meats’ and ‘cheese potatoes.’

Oh, how the other half live!

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Think of Kanye West and you’ll think “Gah! What an unbearable weapon he is!” That’s regardless of whether or not you like his music (in fairness, his last LP was great). However, there are Kanye apologists in the world… one of them distinctly Justin Bieber shaped.

Despite the fact Kanye compared himself to Jesus and made a massive boob of himself while interrupting Taylor Swift during her Grammy’s acceptance speech, then profusely apologising for it to the point where we all wished he’d sew his mouth shut, Bieber reckons that Kanye is a stand-up chap.

According to the stinking amniotic singing sensation, Kanye’s not actually ‘an asshole’ at all. That’s good news coming from a singer who thinks that women shouldn’t be allowed abortions, even if they’ve been raped. Everyone would like an endorsement from a little fella with those views, eh?

Anyway, Bieby Boo Bah told some magazine called XXL, which we assume is a rag dedicated to plus-wear elasticated trousers for the larger reader amongst you, that Kanye’s a ‘good guy’ and, worse still, that they’ve tag teamed to record some tunes together.

Kanye’s eyes turning into dollar signs at the mere mention of this gyrating cash calf.

Bieber said:

“Goo goo gah gah… gurgle gurgle… goo goo goo goo goo HA gagagagaga”

This translates as…

“I got to be in the studio with him and work with him and see how he works and talk to him and talk to him as a friend, and not like someone [in] business. He’s not really an asshole like everyone makes him out to be. I mean, he can, he can do bad things, but he’s really generally a good guy.”

JB added

‘Can someone help me wipe my bot-bot?’

No. Go away you wretched stain of a thing.

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What do you do when you’re feeling lonely? If you’ve got a partner away on business, the easiest thing to do is go camping and shit in a hedge. Right? We say that because this is precisely what Justin Bieber has decided to do while Selena Gomez is away with work.

The foetal singing sensation is pining for Selena who is in London promoting some crap or other,  while wondering why all those seemingly nice young women persist in wishing she was dead.

Of course, the best thing to do when deprived of the one you love is to deprive yourself of absolutely everything. No electricity, no toilets, proper bed to sleep in… and bears. Bears who want to eat the spine out of you. Wouldn’t it be awful if Justin B got attacked by a ravenous bear? Think about it. Terrible.

Anyway, Bieber has gone camping with his family because, after all, he’s only 2 years old. It’d be weird if he went on holiday on his own. There’s dirty men who do things to children left alone. We know this after seeing the documentary ‘Home Alone’.

Via twitter, Bieber enlightened us all with his razor sharp mind:

“Enjoying time with my family literally in the middle of nowhere, but this nowhere place is pretty beautiful.”

So beautiful is Bieber’s current surroundings that he’s planning on doing the impossible while there…

“On the water about to have a camp fire. Camping is legit.”

Get that? He’s gone out into nature to set water on fire. This will of course incur the wrath of the Gods who will send the worst creatures of the woodland to tear the teeny-weeny singer to pieces right before his parents eyes.

How lovely. In fairness, he’s only got himself to blame.

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Ever since Selena Gomez started getting her training bra felt up by pop-infant, Justin Bieber, she’s been ridden roughshod by the absolutely terrifying and insane Beliebers who took it upon themselves to send her blood-curdling death threats.

Some threatened to ‘cut her a Chelsea Smile’, with others saying they were going to sneak into her house and hang her from the rafters with messages to Justin carved into her young flesh.

And you know something mentalists? She doesn’t care what you think. She really doesn’t. In fact, she’s laughing at you because she’s the one who gets to have a go on Justin Bieber every night. She’s probably felt his thingy through his jeans when they were dry-humping behind nana’s sofa that one time. You can stick to writing poems to Bieber in your own tears. She doesn’t care.

Talking to some newspaper that probably doesn’t have an opinion on the Milly Dowler case, she said:

“It’s weird, it’s just weird, but I don’t pay attention to it, I just try to live my life as normal as possible. I just like to not focus on what the whole world is saying about me and just be happy with myself. I try to not read magazines or the internet but it’s obviously unavoidable.”

In fact, she tries to avoid absolutely everything in an attempt to stop her feelings from getting kicked about like a cat in a cloth sack.

“It’s everywhere, so there are moments where I read things that hurt my feelings. But not most of the time. I don’t surround my life with magazines or the internet.”

She then definitely added:

“I really like hecklerspray though. Those guys are really funny. I like the way the mock the stupid fans Justin has. It’s like… they’ve totally got my back. Come Belieber bitches… do your fucking worst. I dares you.”

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Nicki Minaj is an attractive woman. She’s like a cartoon with a great rack. Sadly, her music isn’t nearly as brilliantly odd as her image. We wanted a female Outkast and got the rap Cyndi Lauper. Shame.

Anyway, we’re pretty sure that Nicki Minaj is bisexual, meaning that she’s lucky enough to take her pick of either sex if she wants a good time. She’s got the success to facilitate any sex she wants, with whomever she wants.

We’re imagining that this doesn’t include the pre-natal pop-sensation, Justin Bieber who, despite having a girlfriend, took it upon himself to flirt shamelessly with the Manga Barbie of Hip Hop. Did he get caught out trying it on in a club? No. Bieber is stupid. He decided to do it on-stage during an award ceremony. It’s nice that Selena Gomez can tune in for a TV show and watch her hideous, gyrating little squirt of a beau getting aroused over women more attractive and sexually experienced than she, eh?

Biebles and Minaj both took appeared on-stage at the Shrine Auditorium for the BET Awards (us neither) to present the award for Best Male Hip-Hop. Who cares who won? Not us, that’s for sure. That’s because every hip hop award ever should be given to Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Even ‘Best Female’.

Anyway, while piddling about with golden envelopes, Bieber decided to put the moves on Minaj, possibly thanks to his first noticeable erection.

He said, creepily:

“I’m all grown up now. Next year I’ll be 18… So what’s up?”

After she’d swallowed the sick in her mouth, Minaj replied:

“Do you drive? Can you handle curves?”

Of course, this sneering response was clearly a call for Bieber hush his mouth, but of course, being a little pervert, he replied with:

“Yes I can!”

This will invariably result in death threats being sent to Minaj by nutcase Beliebers and, there’s a good chance Selena Gomez may be penning some murderous words today, tired of the constant rumours of Bieber’s infidelities. If Justin keeps this up, Gomez may well be having another ‘stress’ induced trip to the hospital.

What a heartless little git Justin Bieber is… and now he’s started hanging around with the excellent role-model that is Chris Brown.

World. You’ve unleashed a monster.

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As well you know, our generation narrowly missed ‘a JFK moment’ as Selena Gomez was RUSHED into hospital with a HEADACHE and a UPSET TUMSY WUMSY. Basically, she could’ve died and all you lot could do was laugh because you’re heartless swine.

So what was the cause of this massive terminal ailment which nearly saw her joining the choir invisible with contemporaries like Kurt Cobain and Janis Joplin?

Junk food. And probably all those death threats from crazed Justin Bieber fans who have sharpened their singing Bieber toothbrushes and fully intend to stab her in the neck at the first given opportunity, spraying her blood all over the walls and writing Bieber lyrics with it like a mini-marauding Charlie Manson’s family with tiny, bloody fists. But mainly junk food.

Fact is, Gomez nearly ended up properly ill because of her fondness for sweets and junk food, hence why she ended up “malnourished” in hospital last week.

Selena said, while flicking a brown milk tooth with her yellowed tongue:

“I love everything that’s possibly not good for me.”

“I do eat. The problem is I don’t eat right. I love M&M’s, Kit Kats, Snickers and Goobers at the movies.”

Thanks to the product placement, Gomez will now be receiving hundreds of boxes of said treats, ensuring that she’ll be off to hospital again with Type 2 Diabetes. Still, at least her mother is on the case.

“She’s definitely shoving vitamins down my mouth and following me around”

She’s trying to ensure that Justin Bieber will leave her bra-straps alone and doing random ‘virgin inspections’ while inspecting bedsheets for blood.

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