failure - HecklerSpray

Justin Bieber Is Not A Dad, Which Is A Gasping Shame For All Concerned

November 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

It looks like Justin Bieber won’t have a little friend to play with in his sandbox after Mariah Yeater dropped her lawsuit which alleged that the infant singer fathered her four-month old son with his hairless willy.

The depressing thing about that is, in particular, that he almost certainly didn’t tell a young fan that he wanted to ‘eff her brains out‘. We liked the idea of that sentiment making a comeback.

Either way, this lawsuit has shown a more snidey, snarky side of Bieber which has been slowly revealing itself over the last year, giving credence to the idea that JB has actually been replaced with a lookalike by the Illuminati.

Justin Bieber Killed By Illuminati In Car Crash And Replaced By Lookalike

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

There’s been reports that Justin Bieber has been in a minor car accident this week while driving around in a Ferrari in Los Angeles. Even the police have confirmed that the pint-sized popstar was in an accident.

The official line is that there was no injury or damage to the car according to the authorities.

However, we’ve uncovered some shocking news that the young singer has already passed away and replaced by a reckless lookalike. There’s lots of concrete evidence to support this too, if you know where to look. It would appear that Justin Bieber is dead.

Justin Bieber Set To Ruin Christmas With His Stupid Festive Themed Album

August 30th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Christmas is promoted over summer these days, since stupid capitalism got involved. They say it's the most wonderful time of the year and who are we to disagree? Children throw strops when their parents won't buy them a games console to replace last year?s outdated model whilst long lost relatives crawl out the woodwork looking for presents.

But the most irritatingly thing about Christmas isn't the dry turkey or lack of birthday cake for Jesus with its 2000+ candles – it’s the awful music.

Crusty rockers such as Slade cash-in on royalties as TV and radio stations lazily play a variety of supposedly feel good hits that get us in the mood for eating and drinking ’til we get diabetes. Recent years have seen X-Factor contestants pester us with songs that usually take the number one position, but if that wasn?t enough to make you upset, Justin Bieber has decided to release his own Christmas album. We think we can hear baby Jesus driving nails into his hands again.

Justin Bieber Has Been Dumped! Children Around The World Rejoice In Unison

August 22nd, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.

Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls? eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who?ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.

The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl?s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!

Monster Created In USA As Bieber Street Sign Is Stolen

August 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Justin Bieber has created a monster. That’s right – the 4 week old heartthrob has managed to get a young, innocent girl and turn her into a jaded, cynical, coal hearted ghoul. Bieber, mixed with American politics, has torn out the heart of a fragile young girl, now destined for a life of jaded pain.

So what happened?

Do you remember young Caroline Gonzalez being made mayor of a Texan town? Well, the 11 year old’s first act as Boss Of You was to rename Main Street ‘Justin Bieber Way’. Real talk. However, the machinery of the world has bitten her on the backside, creating a ghoulish creature ready to ruin the world. When she’s old enough of course.

Justin Bieber Gets His Very Own Street, But Just For A Day

August 18th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

For once, we?d like to say how proud we are of someone. And the person is none other than Canadian dwarf warbler, Justin Bieber. Despite being twelve months old and having an entertainment career that's spanned two decades, he's kept his feet firmly on the floor and not gone off the rails.

You can’t say the same for his fans though.

One look at those guys and you can see some bona fide crazy behaviour. Because they aren't tall enough to reach most objects, their shortness sparks anger which is usually thrown at h8erz like hecklerspray and Selena Gomez, Bieber?s ladyfriend. Fans of Bieber usually fling themselves at their idol like a footballer does towards brown envelopes of used bank notes. However, there is a way of showing how much you love Bieber without self harming with a Hello Kitty pen. In one backwards town in Texas, one Belieber managed to rename a grotty street after the singer.

Justin Bieber Now Avaliable To Lick At Your Own Pleasure

August 9th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

It's hard to know when you've achieved ultimate glory. For football players, gracing the cover of computer games is enough to know they've reached the dizzy heights of fame, though the modern player will argue that having a kiss and tell story whored out to the press is the current recognition of stardom. But what about popstars?

Of course, the obligatory merchandising goes with any musician, as branded calendars are labelled as highly collectable, easily enticing young fans to whip out their wallets. Surely every piece of tat to buy has been covered?

Well we certainly thought so, but try telling that to Justin Bieber. Despite just learning to walk, the crooning runt has recently released a perfume called ?Someday.? And now, he’s got the flavours of that and remixed them into a new product called the Bieber Bocker Glory. Whilst this sounds like some sort of sordid sex act, we've been told it's an ice cream.

Selena Gomez Sensibly Won’t Ever Be Getting Married To The Monstrous Justin Bieber

July 26th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Selena Gomez may be stupid enough to stay with Justin Bieber (who seems more than happy to have her be on the receiving end of a load of death threats and, rumour has it, likes cheating on her too), but she’s certainly not daft enough to marry him.

See, Gomez obviously wants to listen to that nagging voice in the back of her mind that says “why yes, you are going out with an ogre of an infant… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t rinse him for money, gifts and reflected fame”.

That’s because, despite her wholly miserable co-existence with the warbling newborn, he does nice things like treating her to trips to Disneyland (where he was probably mistaken for Boo from Monsters Inc.) and constantly fiddles with her training bra while gurgling sexy noises. But marriage? Don’t be silly.

Justin Bieber To Take A Month Off Which Is Great News For Humankind

July 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Infant prancer, Justin Bieber, is to take a month off work, meaning that, by the time August is up, he will have taken half of his life off as a holiday, which is quite astonishing and welcome news to anyone who is in possession of at least one crude hearing receptacle on their head.

In fairness, Bieber has been working incredibly hard doing things like growing finger nails, developing his speech to such an extent that he can ask for his ‘din dins’, and we shouldn’t forget that he’s managed to scowl at women who want an abortion after they’ve been raped.

But what has a Baby Whisperer translated JB’s gurglings to mean? Apparently, it involves God. Could Bieber be leaving music to go where the real money is, by starting up a cult?

Justin Bieber Hates Selena Gomez And Won’t Be Going To Her Birthday Party

July 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

A girl’s 19th birthday is the most important day of her life isn’t it? It’s the day womenfolk shed that pesky third nipple, lose that feathery down and finally are allowed to start buying adult shoes.

It’s a momentous day.

And so, with it being a day of such huge importance, all friends and family drop everything to join the celebration of flowering womanhood. Unless you’re Selena Gomez. See, Selena is stepping out with the ghoulish infant, Justin Bieber, who simply can’t be bothered to go to this massive, massive occasion.