Earlier in the year, some kid apparently called Justin Bieber ‘a faggot’ while they were playing at a Lazer Quest or something. Of course, the shocking news here is that people still indulge in laser tag – what is this – 1995?

We, thought that, for once, Bieber should have given the little adversary a smack in the mouth for his slur, but sadly, he didn’t.

Bieber has disappointingly been cleared of assault after he was accused of hitting a 12-year-old boy.

Bieber – still the only foetus who can do an ‘electric slide’ – was accused of clenching up one of his tiny, tiny fists and inserting it into the eye-socket of a boy even younger than him!

Imagine watching an atom getting kicking in the balls by an electron. It would look just like that.

But the whole thing didn’t happen because the police have now decided not to press charges after failing to find evidence of wrongdoing on Bieber’s part.

Corporal Turley of the Richmond Royal Canadian Mounted Police said:

“This investigation into the incident is now complete and no charges will be forwarded as the evidence collected [doesn't] support doing so.”

As this is a celebrity AND the world is full of thick people, reports from the incident are conflicting. One witness said that Bieber accidentally caught someone in the face while trying to run away from a gang of people who had cornered him.

Another eyewitnesses said:

“I don’t think Justin was called a ‘faggot’ or anything like that and he certainly did not punch the other kid on the face. I saw the kid when he left the game and he had no bruises or red marks on his face that could have been the result of being punched or hit hard.”

Another eyewitness merely sloped away when the furore started because he didn’t want anyone to notice that he’d had his dick out for a laugh while the lights were switched off for the game.

Anyway, Justin Bieber won’t be getting arrested anytime soon. He’s just too bloody nice isn’t he? We’ll have to wait a few years before stardom sullies his mind and turns him into an absolute monster.

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There’s a lot of things you can call Justin Bieber in the name of a cheap joke, like ‘dancing foetus’ or ‘amniotic squirt’, but one thing you shouldn’t be calling people is ‘faggot’. Of course, it’s insulting to say that being gay is a negative to which you should slate people with, but more importantly, it’s really sorely lacking in any creativity.

However, Justin Bieber was met with the kind of slur that has been hitting the headlines lately for some seriously unsettling headlines.

As well you know, there’s been a spate of suicides that have resulted from people on the receiving end of homophobic abuse. This, tied in with reports about Justin Bieber being involved in something similar leaves us with the daunting task of trying to crowbar jokes into something that’s actually very serious. Count on us though dear reader, for we can poke fun at almost any situation.

Bieber was playing in a laser tag match over the weekend, which is surprising because we were under the impression that this activity was woefully out-of-date and superseded by people playing war games with headsets on in their bedrooms.

Anyway, Bieber was out tagging and during the course of the game, some little chump went out of his way to target Justin repeatedly. You can understand that. Bieber is famous and it is fun to wind up people with more talent and money than you.

However, when you do it in the flesh, you run the risk of said celebrity losing their rag with you, which Bieber did (in presumably a very firm, but Christian way) and when frustrated at being cornered, the pint-sized singer said:

“That’s enough”

The antagoniser responded with

“What are you gonna do about it, faggot?”

Bieber wanted clarification, to which the kid stated

“You’re a faggot”

Now, it is fair to assume that this boy wasn’t merely pointing out that he felt that Bieber may be gay and wanted to get confirmation on the situation with a rhetorical question. It is safe to assume that he was implying that Bieber was somehow a lesser person because he was homosexual.

So Bieber pushed the boy out of the way and went home. Reports suggest he punched him, which is very difficult to imagine. However, Bieber should have punched him in the throat or, for the sake of irony, summoned a team of hardnut drag queens to whup his ass with beehive wigs loaded up with horseshoes.

But he didn’t.

A police investigation is ongoing, but sources say that the police already know the fault does not lie with Bieber.

However, there is one avenue of investigation that may be overlooked. If the boy who called Bieber a “faggot” was from England, he could well be suggesting that he likened the singer to an old English dish made from pig’s hearts, liver and fatty belly wrapped up in the omentum membrane from the pig’s abdomen.

If that’s the case, then he’s absolutely spot-on and there’s no case to answer.

Right?

Next week: Someone points out the similarities between Robert Pattinson and a bowl of tripe (which is made from the first three chambers of a cow’s stomach)

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Shia LaBeouf has a daft name, that much most will agree on. It also seems he likes to call his friends daft names to prompt them into striking him in the face.

Why ‘The Beef’ would want to be hit in the face is open to speculation – maybe he saw that Tarzan scene in the new Indy flick one too many times and felt he needed to take some small steps towards making amends. Namely, through violence. Though, let’s be honest, it would need more than a simple slap to make up for that abortion of a movie moment.

Speculate all we may, the reasons why young Beefy wanted to be left red-faced will probably elude us for a fair time to come. What we don’t need to speculate about is the fact that Shia used a naughty homosexual slur to goad his chum into slapping him, as seen on a YouTube video – which was subsequently pulled from prying public eyes.

That’s right – put the kids to bed, cover granny’s eyes and ears and hope to Zeus that Mary Whitehouse isn’t around – Shia called his friend a ‘faggot’.

Has the world ended yet? No? Phew.

Young movie superstar in using slang term with friends shocker! Now, we at hecklerspray are completely against all forms of -ism and -phobia: racism, homophobia, sexism, dogma, bad sandwiches and many more. But dear crikey if this doesn’t seem like yet another case of something being blown completely out of proportion simply because of a guy’s status.

Beef Stew was filmed with his friends and it got out. The situation wasn’t one intended for the public to witness and it certainly isn’t a situation where the youthful Red Meat should feel the need to heavily censor his language. It’s just as soon as the media parasites get a hold of it, things go mental and LaBeouf is forced into making an awkward apology, through a spokesperson (natch), thusly:

“He regrets having used the word in any capacity and is very embarrassed that this footage is being seen by anyone.”

Roughly translated: ‘sorry for anything bad ever to anyone, even things I wasn’t involved in or had no prior knowledge of’. A decent, cover-all-bases apology from Shia. He knows he shouldn’t have said the bad word that will clearly bring about the end of all that is good in the world, but the mere fact that he’s been forced to make a hasty apology and that the powers that be saw the situation as one where a video should be removed shows that this is a classic media over-reaction.

Wait – what do you mean Shia is actually a master criminal? A man-child who constantly breaks the law? Won’t someone please think of the children?!

Whatever next? Bifstek calling Miley Cyrus a bad name? He wouldn’t dare.

BBC Radio 1 has made the decision to censor the word 'faggot' from Kirsty MacColl and Shane McGowan's yuletide anthem Fairytale Of New York.

Inevitably, various groups are up in arms at this display of censorship, calling it political correctness gone mad and everything else you'd probably expect it to. However, the real outrage isn't that Radio 1 has censored the word 'faggot' from Fairytale Of New York, or that it's even playing a song that originally contained the word 'faggot' – no, the real outrage is that Radio 1 is playing a song that's about three times older than its average listener in the first place.

BBC Radio 1’s decision to silence the word 'faggot' from Fairytale Of New York was criticised by Kirsty MacColl's mother on Radio 5 Live this morning, on the grounds that the song is about two characters speaking in a dialect true to themselves. She said:

"These are a couple of characters. Today we have a lot of a gratuitous vulgarity and whatever from people all over which I think is quite unnecessary. These are characters and they speak like that."

Radio 1 released a statement defending the decision:

“Radio 1 are playing an edited version of the Fairytale of New York that does not include the world 'faggot' as this is a word that members of our audience would find offensive."

The song was first released in 1987, and is now as synonymous with Christmas time as mince pies, intense family feuds and merry old St. Nick himself. A spokesperson for McGowan’s band The Pogues commented:

"It strikes me as very odd and I'm sure the band will be very amused."

Whatever the reason for the ban, though, censoring the song's 'faggot' line seems to us like a pretty futile attempt on Radio 1’s part because everyone knows what the missing word is anyway. The silence at the end of "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy…” makes the word stand out stronger in its absence, like when the wedding reception DJ turns down the volume after "It’s fun to stay at the…” everyone knows to scream out "YMCA!”

And even if they don't know the censored word, the only two words that rhyme with 'maggot' are 'faggot' and 'cagot' and we don't think Kirsty MacColl would ever dream of calling Shane McGowan a member of the race inhabiting the valleys of the Pyrenees who until 1793 were political and social outcasts for supposedly being remnants of the Visigoths.

What's our view on the matter? We don't have one. We're waiting for the remixed duet between Isaiah Washington and Jerry Lewis to come out. 

Read more:

BBC bans lyrics in song – Mirror