Christmas; what a wonderful time of year. Already, town and city centres are awash with twinkling neon as they light up vomit fuelled streets and alleyways. Until Jesus’ birthday approaches, we’ll be gorging on advent calendars, cheap sherry and telling carol singers to bugger off.
Everyone experiences the same Christmas traditions. Mum will blame dad for not buying the sinister sounding pigs in blankets and someone will make the ye olde joke about giving the turkey a good stuffing. But what’s the one item we can all relate at this time of year? Festive music of course!
Over the years, we’ve got used to Mariah Carey, Slade and John Lennon getting airtime. Now, it’s common practice for artists to release cash-in albums, and with Canadian midget and alleged impregnator Justin Bieber leading the way, we’re destined for a miserable Yule. In the UK, the pop charts have been dominated by X Factor contestants reaching number one, but this year, it mightn’t be so easy for them as Nirvana and Amy Winehouse have depressingly entered the race.
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Soulja Boy, a chap who has made a career out of singing like a deaf cow having a giant pineapple inserted into its anus, is in trouble with the law. Great for the street-cred, not so good with the whole avoiding a raping in the prison showers.
See, the ‘rapper’ (real name Clangy Van Heusen) got released on bail after appearing in a Georgia court on drug and weapons charges.
Soulja would like to take a moment to tell you that he is innocent, okay?
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The American army are all big and tough aren’t they? They won WWII single-handedly according to the movies and did a grand job in Vietnam and are currently in the Middle East, posing next to pictures of people being tortured.
Don’t mess with the American armed forces, right? They can withstand anything!
Apart from, that is, people calling them names. The old adage of ‘sticks and stones’ doesn’t apply to the US military because that’s what hurts them the most. If only Al-Qaeda knew this from the off! They could’ve battered America just by calling them all nasty names. It would’ve saved a lot of money on pilot training too. And we know this because of something that Soulja Boy has done.
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Do this for us. Firstly, plug up your ears with cotton wool. Okay? Done that? Now, rest a snooker ball under your tongue. Got that? Now, sing “yeeeah, got my swag on” while running down a flight of stairs.
Congratulations! You sound exactly like Soulja Boy, the kid who found fame with his voice despite sounding like someone was pulling teeth from a lively bovine.
In fairness, you don’t sound exactly like Soulja Boy because you aren’t shooting your mouth off at everyone, especially some rather fruity racial and homophobic slurs, which appeared on his Facebook page over the weekend.
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Do you remember when Facebook had groups that you could join, before they introduced the concept of pages that you could, ‘like?’
Well, back when there were groups, a lot of people used to set up groups with titles such as, “If 1,000,000 people join this group my wife will let me name our first born child Spider Man.”
Because people are morons. Read More >>>
The internet is full of dicks (hecklerspray excluded, of course). Just take a look around: there’s that kid over there, blogging about his pathetic existence; that tweeting celebrity, moaning about their insufferable riches; and what about Justin Bieber? Ergh.
The internet is a horrible cesspit of words and pictures, never more aptly demonstrated than in social hub Facebook.
It’s also appropriate then that the story behind the invention of the 21st Century’s most dominating stalker tool, The Social Network, is as full of nauseating idiots as its millions of inhabitants.
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Early and late.
Folded:
Creased:
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is apparently a really nice guy. Him and some of his nerdy mates have pledged to give all their stupidly vast fortunes away to noble causes either during their lifetimes or after their death.
Presumably this is so we all forget all the data and privacy problems Facebook has been plagued with recently, plus the way Zuckerberg was portrayed as the world’s biggest bell-end in David Fincher’s film, The Social Network.
Bill Gates, the lord of the geeks and former one man bank came up with the scheme to get the obscenely wealthy to say they’ll give their billions away at some point down the line to benefit the less fortunate, with his wife Melinda and some fella named Warren Buffett (who we’re reliably informed is some sort of investment banker, you know, like Chris Bates from the Apprentice). Read More >>>
