You know when you accidentally open a letter addressed to your partner and then pretend it was for you all along rather than admit to it?

We get the feeling that Ellen DeGeneres does, because she’s just been named as the new face of CoverGirl. That’s right. Ellen DeGeneres. Not Ellen’s beautiful former model of a girlfriend Portia De Rossi. Ellen DeGeneres. She’s the new face of CoverGirl. That letter was definitely addressed to her. Not Portia. Her. Shut up.

Actually, we’re just kidding. Ellen DeGeneres is going to make a perfect face of CoverGirl. What’s more, the CoverGirl job is going to look just great on Ellen’s modelling portfolio, alongside her shoots as the face of Northumbria NHS Trust’s colorectal unit and her brief stint as Miss Frozen Animal Tripe 1995.

For all our jokes, we actually like Ellen DeGeneres. In fact, it’s safe to say that if were American and unemployed, then The Ellen DeGeneres Show would definitely be the thing we’d watch to distract us from the crushing misery of our horrible lives.

The show seems to have worked out well for Ellen DeGeneres as well. Because of it she got to host the Oscars, managed to pick up a girlfriend who’s so far out of her league that it barely seems possible and accidentally abuse her position of power by inadvertently causing her viewers to send death threats to animal hospice workers.

But that’s not the best part, because the show has also meant that Ellen DeGeneres now gets to be a model. A proper model for a real cosmetics firm. Ellen recently told the audience of her show that she’s the new face of CoverGirl, which sounds impressive even though we don’t really know what that means. People reports:

“I am the new face of CoverGirl.” Striking an exaggerated model-like pose, DeGeneres then explains, “That’s the first thing they teach you when you’re a CoverGirl.” With her commercials for the makeup giant due to be shot soon and then debut after the first of the year, DeGeneres says, “We were going to let you know [in January], but somehow people found out about it.”

It’s a shame that a handful of internet losers had to go and spoil the big surprise, isn’t it. Imagine if CoverGirl had managed to keep it a secret right up until the big reveal in January – what a reaction they’d have got! It would have basically been the exact same feeble shrug you gave a minute ago when you realised that Ellen DeGeneres was going to be the new face of CoverGirl… but in January! It would have been classic, really.

But anyway, this could really be the start of something big for Ellen DeGeneres. By landing a modelling job at CoverGirl, she’s joining an exalted group of beauties who’ve also worked for the company including Christie Brinkley, Brandy and Drew Barrymore.

Obviously that means that Ellen DeGeneres needs to up her game immediately if she wants to fit in with that group. We suggest that Ellen goes out today and either starts a car crash that kills someone, becomes a teenage cocaine addict or marries someone who spends $3000 a month on pornography. She wouldn’t want to let the company down, would she.

Dane Cook is a talentless hack, unfunny to the nth degree and now, it would seem, is something of a preening twit about his image.

In hecklerspray‘s opinion, of course.

Aside from running around on stage, being both sickeningly popular and yet managing to remain devoid of any actual ‘comedy’ – a special achievement for a comedian, no doubt – Dane Cook is now complaining about the poster for his new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl, because on it he looks weird.

What the actual issue is, we’re not sure – he always looks weird to us.

Posting on his MySpace blog, Cook lambasted the poster, whoever made it, Photoshop, his own face, some other things and… well, we got bored, because he’s even less funny than we are on our bad days. Instead of reading it we just went back to the enlightening YouTube videos that claim he steals his jokes from other, less-known, funnier comedians.

Not like that’s ever happened in stand up before now, is it? Just as it’s not like mainstream bands steal from ones on the underground, Hollywood steals from indie cinema and advertising steals from everything that’s ever existed ever. Unfounded, ridiculous allegations. In a way.

Anyway, we would go and post all of Dane’s lovely blog, but it’s really long and boring, full of the type of sitting-on-the-fence language where he wants to slate the poster and whoever was involved in its creation while at the same time making sure to go on about how great the movie itself is, just so he doesn’t fall foul of the studio bigwigs.

And they say integrity is overrated.

Part of the blog, at least, said these words:

Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

The rant went on:

The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.

Well, at least we know he can’t spell now. Just another thing to add to the list.

There’s a lot more of it, but it’s all ‘ho ho ho look at me I’m a funny man!’ pseudo-criticism that makes him look like more of a whiny prat than normal, so we’ll just stick with those two bits for now. If you want to find the rest, go to MySpace and search for ‘overrated hack’.

Anywho, in the list of Dane’s complaints, he mouths off about his face, his skin, his eyes, what he’s wearing and just about everything else about his image. Does that mean he’s resorted to stealing hecklerspray‘s material too? We are more than happy to have a go at him for all of those things, you see. We’ll have to adapt and go for his personality as well, just to see if he’ll follow suit.

That would be a blog post worth reading.

David Hasselhoff is having a rough week – not only did he lose a load of stuff in his his divorce settlement, but now he’s lost part of his own face, too.

It’s been reported that David Hasselhoff has just been released from hospital after having something removed from just above his eye. While nobody around David Hasselhoff has revealed exactly what was removed, chances are it was either his over-inflated sense of self worth or the part of his brain that genuinely believes he’s a well-respected pop star.

Oh that’s sick. David Hasselhoff might be seriously ill, you disgusting bastards. You’re going to hell for thinking of something as disgusting as that, we’ll make sure of it.

When you hear that someone’s had something removed from their face, you instantly assume it to be cancer. Well, actually, when you hear that it’s David Hasselhoff who’s had something removed from his face you think that it’s all a cover and actually he’s back in rehab for being such a massive alcoholic, and then that theory gets denied and then you assume it to be cancer.

But let’s not jump to any conclusions here – David Hasselhoff may have just had a stint in hospital to have something removed from his face, but nobody has even suggested that it has the slightest thing to do with cancer. It’s best that we leave potentially serious stuff like this to the BBC:

Former Baywatch actor David Hasselhoff is doing well after having “something removed” above his eye on Saturday, his publicist has confirmed. “He’s fine, he’s coming out tonight,” Judy Katz said on Monday. The star was treated at Los Angeles Medical Center. She did not say what was removed but denied rumours Hasselhoff was in rehab.

How mysterious. Mysterious and worrying – David Hasselhoff has made a career out of being an invincible alpha male who works hard, plays hard, drinks even harder and always has time to strip down to a leather jacket and his pants and pose for photos with a number of household animals, so it’s hard to imagine that David Hasselhoff might actually be ill with anything. After all, he is the trademark-protected Hoff now.

In fact, it’d be a weight off everyone’s mind if David Hasselhoff or one of his associates just came forward and told us all exactly what was removed from Hasselhoff’s face so we can all sigh with relief and get on with our lives.

Because right now, without a solid answer, our minds are running wild. For all we know, David Hasselhoff could have had any one of the following removed from his face:

• An ingrown unicorn horn

• A clump of spittle-covered hamburger from that time he was drunk

• The unlikely notion that Princess Diana wanted to sleep with him

• A pulsating sac of spider eggs

• Anne Frank

• A stash of pirate booty that he was hiding until his divorce was finalised

• One of Traci Bingham‘s rogue breast implants

• The twin brother that David Hasselhoff absorbed in his mother’s womb who keeps telling him to commit minor crimes

It’s just a guess, but we’re pretty sure that David Hasselhoff had at least one of these things removed from his face on Saturday. And you don’t hear much from Anne Frank these days, do you?

Read more:

Hasselhoff has facial operation – BBC

Priscilla Presley is gloriously unique – as things stand, she's the only woman in the world who's been in a Naked Gun film, married Elvis Presley and had Argentinian auto engine lubricant injected into her face.

Priscilla Presley had Argentinian auto engine lubricant injected into her face, did we mention that? We did? Oh good.

We should probably point out that Priscilla Presley had it done by accident by a dodgy male prostitute who pretended to be a cosmetic surgeon and told her it was better than Botox. But we should only point that out because it sounds hilarious and not because it's agonising and has ruined Priscilla Presley's life and stuff, which it probably has, to be honest.

You have to feel for the Presleys at the minute. As well as knowing that nothing they can ever do can even come close to matching any of Elvis Presley's accomplishments, even though he died on the pooper, they seem to be slowly morphing into creatures that barely even look human.

First Lisa Marie Presley got pregnant and put on so much weight that she ended up suing anyone who called her fat, and now her mother Priscilla Presley has problems of her own. You see, to look at Priscilla Presley at the moment, you'd think she was auditioning for the Eric Stoltz role in the upcoming theatre musical Mask: The Gender-Confused Sexagenarian Years. It's all weird and bulbous and, unlike Lisa Marie, Priscilla doesn't have "I'm pregnant, you insensitive bastards!" as a retort for looking that way.

And, as we may have already said, that's because a male Argentinian hooker injected engine lubricant into her face. TMZ reports:

Priscilla went to Dr. Daniel Serrano around 2003. Serrano was a good-looking doc from Argentina who hooked into Hollywood's social A-list and started giving them what he claimed were miracle injections that worked better than Botox. In fact, Serrano was injecting industrial, low-grade silicone similar to what's used to lubricate auto parts in Argentina into the faces of these women… The injections caused lumps, paralysis and holes in the faces of some of the women (and some men) he injected.

Ah, the old 'better than Botox' claim. When will these elderly women realise that nothing on earth is better than Botox, because having a frighteningly fixed expression all the time thanks to some bloke injecting a load of botulism into your face is as good as it gets, baby. 

It's not just Priscilla Presley who let the hooker pump silicon into her face – Larry King's wife and Lionel Richie's ex-wife have also been named as victims of the hole-faced engine lubricant injection scam as well. Dr Serrano – who doesn't even have a medical license in America – was indicted for smuggling, sent to prison, released and is now under investigation by immigration officials.

Meanwhile Priscilla Presley is reported to be undergoing corrective surgery for all the cock-ups that have happened on her face. It's unknown what this procedure will involve, but let's hope for her sake that it involves tattooing 'don't let Argentinian prostitutes inject engine lubricant into your face again you massive idiot' backwards onto her retina so it's all she ever sees for the rest of her stupid life.

Read more:

Priscilla Presley Victim of Phony Cosmetic Doc – TMZ 

First the bad news, then the good – Lily Allen has become a little bit unemployed; but at least it means you won't be blindsided by pictures of her in her bra any more.

Fancy lingerie firm Agent Provocateur has decided to ditch Lily Allen as the face of its company, it's been reported.

Although Lily Allen is said to be 'gutted' about being dropped, the news does now mean that the only times you'll ever see Lily Allen in her bra are if you stalk her with a video camera or if she's about to have sex with you. Either way, we have the number of a very good doctor we'd like you to have. 

It's no secret that Lily Allen has three nipples, each more beautiful than the last. We're joking of course – having three nipples is disgusting and wrong and we don't know how Lily Allen can even show her face in public without fear of being ducked as a witch. 

So when lingerie company Agent Provocateur named Lily Allen as its new face in November, it was really an act of charity. "Here you are Lily," we imagine a company director telling her, "we want you to cover up your three hideous nipples with these bras. And we'll pay you, too. Anything to get you to conceal those festering abominations of nature."

And for a while it worked – Lily Allen and her new skinny figure trotted around in a range of posh bras and all was right with the world. But not now, because Agent Provocateur has decided to drop Lily Allen as its face already. MTV reports:

Lily Allen has been dropped as the face of posh underwear firm Agent Provocateur, according to reports. The Sun says the warring owners of the company have decided not to use the Smile singer in ads after disagreeing on the choice. Allen is reportedly ‘gutted’ at the move after getting into svelte shape for her new job. AP said the photos may still be used in some way but she will not be the firm’s new FACE.

Still, at least Lily Allen has some career choices left open to her. There's her new TV show Lily Allen And Some People That Are Clearly More Intelligent Than Her, where Lily interviews people in a strange series of mumbles and then cackles at whatever they say to give the impression that she knows what's going on. And, with viewing figures the way they are, that's bound to keep Lily Allen in employment for at least another fortnight. 

Our point is that it's not the end of the world to be dropped from an underwear campaign because there are plenty more fish in the sea. The three-nippled bra campaign might not have worked out, but just wait until a knicker manufacturer realises that Lily's also got 24 vaginas studded up and down the inside of her legs. They'll shit a brick.

Read more:

Lily Dropped By Underwear Firm - MTV 

We don't know about you, but whenever we've got in trouble for emailing bikini photos of ourselves to married men, we usually tend to divert attention away from it by punching policewomen in the face.

That's what American newsreader Alycia Lane seems to have done, at least. Already this year Alycia Lane has found herself in the middle of a scandal after she was caught sending photos of herself in a bikini to a married NFL host, but now she's blown that furore out of the water by getting arrested for punching a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on Sunday morning. Alycia Lane has denied the charges, of course, and says that she was just festively acting out the scene from the Nativity where baby Jesus punched a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on that holy Sunday morning. Or something.

You know what we love? Female American newsreaders, that's what. Giant-haired, model-pretty, dumb as a sack of verrucas, so ambitious they'd stab you to death with a letter-opener if they felt you were getting an atom more attention than them and all called things like Zoran Alopecia, female American newsreaders are perhaps the purest example of everything that's good about the world.

After all, it was a female American newsreader who slagged off her sister-in-law in the loo on microphone during a George Bush speech about 9/11, and it's a female American newsreader who's just been arrested for punching a policewoman in the face in New York. Alycia Lane is an Emmy-winning newsreader for KYW-TV in Philadelphia, something that makes her slightly famous in Philadelphia but not much everywhere else. But Alycia Lane is working on that.

How? Why, by apparently punching a plain-clothes policewoman full in the face and insulting her because she was driving her car quite slowly, of course. Alycia Lane was arrested at 2am on Sunday for allegedly punching a policewoman's face in following an argument and was subsequently charged with assaulting a police offer, a felony.

To her credit, though, Alycia Lane denies absolutely everything about her arrest, as her lawyer David Smith told the New York Daily News:

"She absolutely didn't hit or make derogatory remarks to anyone," Smith said. "She was inside the taxi when the initial confrontation was going on." He added that Lane got out of the cab only to photograph the fracas, but "her camera was violently grabbed from her. She was shocked to learn after the fact that these people were plain-clothed police officers."

Of course, since Alycia Lane is a whiter-than-white upstanding citizen with an unblemished record of do-gooding and a brain that has never even computed a single bad thought, we have no option to believe her side of the story. Except that this isn't the first trouble Alycia Lane has gotten into this year – a few months ago the wife of an NFL network anchor busted Lane's scheme to email a load of bikini photos of herself to her husband.

And isn't sending some beachwear photos to a man exactly the same thing as punching an undercover police officer in the face? Of course it is – but we don't think that Alycia Lane should to jail for this incident. No, she should team up with Foxy Brown and Naomi Campbell to become a new female superhero trio dedicated to fighting crime by kicking stuff over and beating each other up a lot and shit.

Read more:

News Anchor Busted For Punching Cop – New York Daily News