face - HecklerSpray

Ellen DeGeneres: The New Face Of CoverGirl, Despite Old Face

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You know when you accidentally open a letter addressed to your partner and then pretend it was for you all along rather than admit to it?

We get the feeling that Ellen DeGeneres does, because she’s just been named as the new face of CoverGirl. That’s right. Ellen DeGeneres. Not Ellen’s beautiful former model of a girlfriend Portia De Rossi. Ellen DeGeneres. She’s the new face of CoverGirl. That letter was definitely addressed to her. Not Portia. Her. Shut up.

Actually, we’re just kidding. Ellen DeGeneres is going to make a perfect face of CoverGirl. What’s more, the CoverGirl job is going to look just great on Ellen’s modelling portfolio, alongside her shoots as the face of Northumbria NHS Trust’s colorectal unit and her brief stint as Miss Frozen Animal Tripe 1995.

Poster Makes Dane Cook Look Stupid, Like He Needs Any Help

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Dane Cook is a talentless hack, unfunny to the nth degree and now, it would seem, is something of a preening twit about his image.

In hecklerspray‘s opinion, of course.

Aside from running around on stage, being both sickeningly popular and yet managing to remain devoid of any actual ‘comedy’ – a special achievement for a comedian, no doubt – Dane Cook is now complaining about the poster for his new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl, because on it he looks weird.

What the actual issue is, we’re not sure – he always looks weird to us.

David Hasselhoff Gets Part Of His Face Removed

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

David Hasselhoff is having a rough week – not only did he lose a load of stuff in his his divorce settlement, but now he’s lost part of his own face, too.

It’s been reported that David Hasselhoff has just been released from hospital after having something removed from just above his eye. While nobody around David Hasselhoff has revealed exactly what was removed, chances are it was either his over-inflated sense of self worth or the part of his brain that genuinely believes he’s a well-respected pop star.

Oh that’s sick. David Hasselhoff might be seriously ill, you disgusting bastards. You’re going to hell for thinking of something as disgusting as that, we’ll make sure of it.

Priscilla Presley’s Face Is All Messed Up And Crap

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Priscilla Presley is gloriously unique – as things stand, she's the only woman in the world who's been in a Naked Gun film, married Elvis Presley and had Argentinian auto engine lubricant injected into her face.

Priscilla Presley had Argentinian auto engine lubricant injected into her face, did we mention that? We did? Oh good.

We should probably point out that Priscilla Presley had it done by accident by a dodgy male prostitute who pretended to be a cosmetic surgeon and told her it was better than Botox. But we should only point that out because it sounds hilarious and not because it's agonising and has ruined Priscilla Presley's life and stuff, which it probably has, to be honest.

Lily Allen Not A Titty Model Any More

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

First the bad news, then the good – Lily Allen has become a little bit unemployed; but at least it means you won't be blindsided by pictures of her in her bra any more.

Fancy lingerie firm Agent Provocateur has decided to ditch Lily Allen as the face of its company, it's been reported.

Although Lily Allen is said to be 'gutted' about being dropped, the news does now mean that the only times you'll ever see Lily Allen in her bra are if you stalk her with a video camera or if she's about to have sex with you. Either way, we have the number of a very good doctor we'd like you to have.

Newsreader Busted For Punching Cop In Gob

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We don't know about you, but whenever we've got in trouble for emailing bikini photos of ourselves to married men, we usually tend to divert attention away from it by punching policewomen in the face.

That's what American newsreader Alycia Lane seems to have done, at least. Already this year Alycia Lane has found herself in the middle of a scandal after she was caught sending photos of herself in a bikini to a married NFL host, but now she's blown that furore out of the water by getting arrested for punching a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on Sunday morning. Alycia Lane has denied the charges, of course, and says that she was just festively acting out the scene from the Nativity where baby Jesus punched a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on that holy Sunday morning. Or something.