What happens when people convince a complete bozo that he’s a shaman and a poet? Well, in the case of Jim Morrison from The Doors, they repay you with cod-psychedelic twaddle, alcoholism, abuse, a death-wank in the bath and occasional flashes of the penis.

Great. He’s a real rock hero isn’t he? All brainless and sinew, just desperate to shock you with 6th form poetry and stinking leather trousers.

Of course, the only decent thing he ever did was to get his flaccid member out, because that’s just about the only honest thing he ever did in his faux-bohemian life… and now, thanks to a pardon, he may have never even done that, thereby, rendering him pointless.

See, Jimbo the Himbo’s notorious dick waggle at a gig saw him getting his beard yoinked by the long arm of the law. This of course, gives dowdy bores the chance to live vicariously through Jim while they sit statically in their houses feeling dangerous while listening to Morrison Hotel.

And now, hilariously, Jim received a posthumous pardon for his conviction over the whole Getting Your Old Chap Out During A Shoddy Concert.

The rest of The Doors, some of the squarest humans alive, have always insisted that Morrison never exposed his wang but rather, drunkenly teased the revellers with it, probably showing a bit of pube or something. Those who attended the show at the Dinner Key Auditorium in Miami in ’69 probably can’t remember in fairness. They’re probably still trying to work out whether the Soft Parade LP sounds like Elvis at his worst, only with added fauxetry about horses eyes and all that junk.

Of course, a real rock ‘n’ roller wouldn’t give the slightest shit about being convicted of indecent exposure, six months in jail and a $500 fine. It’s all good for the eventual fawning biopic isn’t it?

The governor  reviewing the case said that he was not convinced Morrison committed the crime. Or, if you like, he probably thought “Jeez. Does anyone even care either way? I’ll just shut those shrieking Doors fans up by a wave and a pardon. I’ve got real crimes like murder to deal with.’

Doors keyboardist Ray Manzarek, a man continually keen on hawking Morrison’s corpse around with him every chance he gets, said:

“You know what would really be nice? Florida is Jim’s home state. He’s a Florida boy. Wouldn’t it great if Florida could finally say, “Hey, native son, your name is cleared. We recognise you as a young American poet”.”

Jesus wept. Poet indeed! About the incident, Manzarek added:

“He taunted the audience, “I’m going to show you! I’m going to show it to you”. Then he took his shirt off, held it in front of him like a bullfighter’s cape, wiggled it around as if there was something going on behind it.”

Brilliant showmanship there, we can all agree, eh? Still, anything that distracts from his awful, awful lyrics and sub-standard blues bollocks that they were peddling at the time.

Feel free to assume that hecklerspray only listens to manufactured pop music in the comments.

As if the business of Rob Lowe suing three former employees for extortion wasn’t complicated enough, now there’s a doozy of a countersuit.

And we mean, it’s a doozy. Rob Lowe’s 24-year-old former nanny Jessica Gibson has hit back at Lowe with a lawsuit of her own that claims Rob Lowe alledgedly kept exposing himself to her, tried repeatedly to shove his hands down her knickers and grabbed her buttocks in all kinds of different ways.

This quarrel between Rob Lowe and his nanny is turning into an expensive game of he said/she said that’ll leave no reputations intact whatsoever. Having said that, though, perhaps it’s all a mix-up – perhaps Rob Lowe was only grabbing Jessica Gibson’s buttocks so he could see how dreamy it made his forearms look. That’d certainly make more sense.

We’ve always been under the impression that there’s something fishy about Rob Lowe. Maybe it’s the way his face is the exact dimension of a tortoise coffin. Maybe it’s the way his Visit California tourism advert seems desperately insincere. Maybe it’s the way he’s a recovering alcoholic who filmed himself having sex with an underage girl once. There’s just no way to find out for sure.

But when Rob Lowe sued his former nanny for a million dollars recently, it made even less sense than you’d expect it to. You’ll remember that Rob Lowe claimed that one nanny had told lies about an intimate relationship between them and was falsely claiming sexual harassment.That’s extortion.

Extortion is a criminal offence, but then Rob Lowe dismissed the help of the police when they offered to help him get to the bottom of the nanny’s claims. Which is unusual to say the least. Was Rob Lowe hiding something, you might ask?

Well, Jessica Gibson seems to think he is. That’s because Jessica Gibson is the former nanny who Rob Lowe is suing. And she’s now claimed in a countersuit that Rob Lowe allegedly exposed himself to her, tried to put his hands down his knickers and grabbed her buttocks. People reports:

Lowe, 44, the lawsuit… alleges, “placed his hand inside Gibson’s pants” several times from about Sept. 2005 to around Jan. 2008. The actor also allegedly grabbed her buttocks without her consent around Dec. 2007, according to the filing. In a statement read on Tuesday’s Today show, the Lowes’ attorney, Stanton “Larry” Stein, said: “Ms. Gibson’s older sister worked for the Lowes for 7 years. Ms. Gibson worked for the Lowes on and off for 7 years. She left at least 2 times, to pursue other jobs, and returned each time asking for more hours. She sent 2 emails the day after she left, both saying she loved the Lowes and her leaving had nothing to do with them but her heart wasn’t into being a nanny anymore. This is totally inconsistent with her latest allegations.”

So either Rob Lowe or Jessica Gibson is telling lies, but who? On the one hand, Rob Lowe’s behaviour around this lawsuit has been a little bit suspect, but on the other hand maybe Jessica Gibson is the liar here.

After all, being falsely accused of a sexual attack is probably every man’s worst nightmare. And what’s more: can you imagine Rob Low grabbing anyone’s buttocks? Of course you can’t.

That’s because Rob Lowe is too busy grabbing his own buttocks while looking in a mirror, yelling “Ow!” and snarling at himself in a creepy sexual way. That’s something we imagine that Rob Lowe does most days.

Read more:

Former Nanny: Rob Lowe Exposed Himself to Me – People