You know at the end of that 1999 Godzilla remake how even though the monster was dead, it still left big, green eggs all the heck over the place?

Well Matthew Broderick‘s character was probably all “Oh eff! What the effing eff!” But it ended up he needn’t have worried because the film flopped, graciously preventing a tired-already franchise from getting off the ground.

The thing is – it appears he may have stopped worrying too soon about little lizard babies. Because his possibly-reptilian wife’s southern regions are about to be torn asunder with twins.

Now when we say Sarah Jessica Parker‘s southern parts are about to turn on their conveyor belts, we’re of course not really talking about her conveyor belts. No – the scenario we’re trying to depict for you is more of a womb-rental type situation. That’s because the Broderick-Parker twins are going to fester somewhere inside of a non-blood relative for the entire nine month gestation period. That’s what you can do when you have money – We hear the rich can order these human-incubators out of the back of high-end magazines.

Generally on the same page as the semi-expensive Sea Monkeys.

In Parker’s defence though , she’s not renting a womb to be fashionable, she’s doing it because all the internals north of her vagina are dusty, dry and probably look like a place Indiana Jones might search for Incan gold.

That’s actually not a bad idea. Somebody should flesh that out into a script, and don’t give too much away in the beginning.

Really though – Parker is 44 years old. That’s why she and her hubby have had to look elsewhere for lush and viable ovaries. Entertainment Weekly has a few more details:

“Sarah Jessica Parker, 44, and Matthew Broderick, 47, are expecting twin girls via a surrogate. In a statement, their reps announced, “Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are happily anticipating the birth of their twin daughters later this summer with the generous help of a surrogate. The entire family is overjoyed.”"

News of the surrogate comes none too soon for fans who worried a Carrie Bradshaw gorged with two human beings she hadn’t physically eaten might look ridiculous pretending she’s still a high class prostitute. Seriously – that is one thing successful Asian businessmen simply will not pay for. Because it’s disgusting. Still – it could probably be awkwardly worked into the Sex in the City sequel.

Maybe we should take a moment to say that although we’ve never actually seen the show that made Parker a star, we’ve heard it’s viewing has done wonders the world-over. For instance, the airing of its pilot episode in Zimbabwe was the instigator in that region for giving women the right to vote, drive and have eyes that are extraordinarily close together.

Commendable, if you think about it.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Gay community – red rover red rover send Clay Aiken on over!

Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts.

Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player.

And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason – it really works!

Clay Aiken is so nice he just helped an old lady immaculately conceive a miracle baby. What a guy! The child, we’re told, is to be referred to as the Chosen One, and will be raised in three Buddhist temples on a strict diet of locusts, honey & Slim Jims. That’s how they do it now days. Honestly, it’s getting so much easier to be a Buddhist.

Well we’re not too sure about any of that, actually – but some lady really is pregnant with Aiken’s seed this very second!

Now don’t get too upset gay community, because although by appearance some 50 year old woman is trying to steal one C. Aiken from your probably closeted ranks, he’s not going without a fight. You should all perk up a bit to learn that although Mr. Aiken has apparently dabbled in heterosexuality long enough to make an old lady pregnant, he did so without any direct penile-hag contact.

That’s because the child was conceived with the help of several doctors wearing blue rubber gloves, multi-colored medical masks and a petri dish made from the purest gold. TMZ reports:

“Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend. He lives at her home when he’s in L.A. We’re told 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She’s the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29. We’re told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.”

The child will be born in August, implying of course it’s well into the second trimester. This is important to note as the second trimester is when Clay started writing his Merry Christmas With Love album. Just in case, both pen and paper have been delicately inserted into the 50 year old woman’s most secret places on the off chance Aiken’s forming child thinks up anything super poetic and catchy.

And before any of you hooligans go mocking poor Clay for the whole petri dish thing, you should know we were conceived in one of those too. Our mother wanted a child that was part her, part tyrannosaur.

We’re told we scratched like heck coming out of the birth canal, and then ate Momma’s entire bottom half in the delivery room. Probably because we were so fragile and scared. Baby dinosaurs are easily spooked.

That’s just something to keep in mind if you come across one in the wild.