This is just a hunch, but we’re expecting Will Ferrell to be named as People’s sexiest man alive next year.

Because, seriously, that man is loaded. He gets paid so much money. Too much money, in fact. And he doesn’t deserve a bloody penny of it. That’s according to Forbes, at least – Will Ferrell has come out on top of a list 0f Hollywood’s most overpaid stars. The list claims that Will Ferrell only earns his investors a return of $3.29 for every dollar he’s paid.

Why such a poor figure? Well, it’s partly because Land Of The Lost flopped, partly because comedy is notoriously difficult to sell around the world and partly because Will Ferrell has cold dead eyes and a rapist’s haircut. Possibly.

What makes a good actor? Commitment? Research? An ability to emotionally connect with an audience? No, you idiot. What makes a good actor is the comparative financial return that they make for investors based on their salary. That’s why Matt Damon is a great actor and Will Ferrell is the worst, stupidest, actor to have ever walked the Earth.

According to a new Forbes list, Will Ferrell is the most overpaid star in Hollywood because he only makes $3.29 back for each dollar he’s paid. Compare this to Naomi Watts, who earns investors $44 for every dollar she’s paid, and you can see what an underwhelming amount that is.

That’s not necessarily a helpful comparison – Naomi Watts’ figure is so much higher because she’s generally paid less than Will Ferrell, her films cost less to make and she rarely carries movies by herself, plus the fact that her name is a guarantee that you’re either going to see her boobs or the outline of at least one of her nipples through a skimpy top at some point – but it must still be a worry for Will. ABC reports:

Ferrell took first place largely due to the flop of his summer 2009 movie “Land of the Lost”, which Forbes said cost an estimated $100 million to make but earned just $65 million at box offices worldwide for movie studio Universal Pictures. The movie followed a disappointing $43 million box office for Ferrell’s 2008 outing “Semi-Pro”, and $128 million for “Step Brothers”.

We should probably point out that Will Ferrell was part of a list of overpaid actors, but we’re trying not to mention that because it’ll only depress Ferrell further. For instance, Ewan McGregor came second in the list. And when was the last time you ever got excited about a Ewan McGregor film? This year? Last year? This decade? Ewan McGregor is awful, and he’s still better value for money than Will Ferrell.

Other actors on the list include Tom Cruise – a man who only makes films so that people can tell him how rubbish he is in them – and Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton, for crying out loud. He can’t even do an interview properly, let alone a bloody film. Seriously, Will Ferrell must be feeling terrible.

There’s only one thing for it. To turn this around, Will Ferrell will have to start taking on Naomi Watts-style roles before it’s too late. He should sign up for impossibly minor roles in bad Clive Owen films, harrowing remakes of brutally amoral German horror films and London-set films where members of the Lord Of The Rings cast beat a large number Russian gangsters to death with their bare penises. That will definitely revive Will Ferrell’s fortunes as a Hollywood commodity.

We expect a consultancy fee for this advice.

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It’s a clean scalp. it’s a healthy scalp, and we just really want to touch it. Not with our hands, of course – with a plank. We think it’d do good for both him, and his career. It’s a common thought, you know. People want to touch his head all the time.

That’s why a bunch of airport-masseuses recently had a throw down. Ewan walked in for a head massage and they all wanted to give it to him. It’s unknown how things got settled, but we bet the actor ended up with mayonnaise saturating his hair, cucumber-slices prying his eyes open, and free-range dung beetles nesting in all his body holes.

Our mother told us about the goings-on in those horrible places. They’re all dens of sin.

When you peruse airports as much as Ewan McGregor does, chances are you’ve learned how to relax while doing so. You know just where to get an $11 bagel sandwich with one three-inch-square piece of thinly-sliced meat on it. You know where all the rusty power outlets are so you can recharge your cell phone, and you know where to go so women can touch you for money.

Some airports do have places like that – now chances are these specific establishments are not in direct competition with any of Heidi Fleiss’ business ventures, but you can walk into them expecting a nice, sensual rub-down of many of your various body parts.

McGregor did this recently, with only something called a ‘Indian Head massage’ in mind. Careful there Ewan, in the western United States that’s code for a scalping. After McGregor placed his order, every single woman in the world started throwing punches for the honour of working out the actor’s head knots. Or something like that.

As the Mirror put it:

“Star Wars hunk Ewan McGregor visited the Virgin Clubhouse at Heathrow for some pampering and caused a commotion. Our onlooker says: “Gorgeous masseuses were squabbling over who would give him an Indian head massage.”

And that’s where the quote ends. It seems pretty abbreviated, but we think it safe to assume knife fights were implied therein. Also maybe battles to the death, where all the contestants were dressed in shiny leather one-piecers while riding atop valiant white steeds, was implied, too. Also maybe the fight took place in a room filled with Cool Whip and various fresh fruits. We think that can clearly be read between the lines as well.

Rumor has it the winner was a guy named Tony.

Congratulations Tony. Sounds like you had quite a day.