You want to sell a car? Employ Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba to tongue each other on the bonnet dressed in bikinis. Simple. You want to sell an aftershave? Employ Hayden Panettiere or Megan Fox to suddenly find any man wearing it irresistible. Simple, but effective. And, let’s face it, anything is better than those bloody aftershave ads that look like something Tracy Emin vomited out after a night on the tiles.

You want to sell tampons? OK, you’re on your own.

The point is, it’s hardly rocket science. Sex sells – everyone knows that. Give a heterosexual man enough of a look at sexy lady flesh and he’ll be halfway to the shop before you know it. New deodorant? Great. New mobile phone? OK! New treatment for thrush? Errr.

It’s not that we’re simple – we just like to look at images of half-naked, sexy girls. Well, just to emphasise the point, Hecklerspray has overcome some technical issues  and decided to come up with its choice of the sexiest ads to date, properly this time. Enjoy!

26. Ellesse tennis ad

We all should play more tennis.

25. Go daddy commercial

Just some good, old-fashioned, squeaky-clean fun. Not sure what it hasto do with Go Daddy, but who cares?

24. Levi’s train commercial

Not entirely sure about she didn’t just use scissors, but who are we to judge?

23. Sprite Zero Commercial

See we learned something today – don’t stalk pretty girls or you’ll end up with no pants. Or something.

22. Scruffs Hardware Commercial

So much better than DIY.

21. Chocoparty ad

What is she selling again? We just spent the last few minutes bobbing our head up and down.

20. Brooke Shields in Calvin Klein jeans ad

You know, Brooke Shields when she was younger could do some amazing things with her body. Well, we’ve all seen Blue Lagoon.

19. Alysso Milano ad for Candie’s perfume

This is the way to sell a product. So simple.

18. Tabasco ad

Now, that’s hot stuff.

17. Britney Spears in ‘Curious’ ad

The only thing we’re curious about why Britney’s room is not padded.

16. Axe Bullet funny ad

Imagine actually owning X-ray specs? Let’s face it, you would spend most of your day shielding your eyes.

15. Lynx commercial

We all could do with more slow motion boob action.

14. Xenergy Drink ad

Just drinking Xenergy drink can turn your life into an MTV video. In another ad for the same drink, the same model Monica is so sexy she could even turn on motorbikes. Put that in Heroes.

13. Vaio commercial

This happen all the time at Hecklerspray Towers.

12. Miller catfight ad

Girls fighting – isn’t that every bloke’s fantasy? Well, actually no, because we all know that the reality is a whole lot different.

11. Victoria Secret – what is sexy commercial

What is sexy? Errr, this video, for starters. Not exactly a secret, Victoria.

10. New Yorker lingerie ad

Not entirely sure they thought this one through. Knickers that can kill?

9. Cindy Crawford Pepsi ad

The success of this ad is summed up in two words – Cindy and Crawford. That’s one mole you would not mind rummaging around in your garden.

8. Paris Hilton’s burger ad

Would have been higher but it’s not exactly the first time we have seen her with some meat in her mouth. Mind you, good to see her actually do some work for a change.

7. Schiesser ad

Belgian nurses have an interesting way to stop a man going into cardiac arrest and a far better bedside manner.

6. Mac’s Orange Juice commercial

This is a such a bizarre ad, but it works for us. We think it’s trying to say, never drink orange juice from horny trees or it turns you into a lesbian. Or something like that.

5. Napster commercial

Even if you hate Napster – you’ll like this ad.

4. Victoria Secret’s Christmas ad

What would Christmas be without Victoria’s Secret? It’s enough to make Santa’s sack bulge.

3. Eva Mendes’ Calvin Klein commercial

Eva Mendes naked. Perfect. More ads like this please.

2. Agent Provocateur commercial with Kylie Minogue

Agent Provocateur has the sexiest underwear you can buy – just as long as you are buying it for Kylie Minogue.

1.  Bavaria beer ad

Beer and women – the perfect combination.

US TV network bosses have deemed Eva Mendes’ advert for Calvin Klein Secret Obsession perfume – in which she writhes around naked on her bed – as too hot for TV.

Bloody squares. OK, so you can see a bit of nipple, but still.

Anyway, thankfully, hecklerspray has no such concerns, so you can watch Eva Mendes in all her glory below the cut. Enjoy!!

Can’t do it, can you? That’s because there are only two interesting things about Eva Mendes – her boobs and that time she went to rehab. And it’s a good job that Eva Mendes enjoys getting her boobs out so frequently, because she’s buggered if she’s telling us anything about rehab.

In the latest issue of Interview magazine, Eva Mendes has decided to ‘neither confirm nor deny’ rumours about why she checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility earlier this year. One rumour, possibly started by Eva herself, is that she only went to rehab to research a role. We’ll see how true that is once we’ve worked out whether her next film is about a dreary old self-absorbed tosspot ot not.

This is just a theory, but we’re starting to suspect that celebrities only go to rehab so that they can yammer on and on and on about that time they went to rehab for months and months afterwards.

And the best thing about this theory – other than it being undeniably true – is that the celebrities all have completely individual ways of it. Some apologise to fans on the internet, some quickly deny that anything was wrong with the in them first place, and if you’re really lucky you might get an explanation in the form of Lohan tit-semaphore.

But, anyway, the formula’s becoming so worn lately that we’re all getting a bit bored of having to listen to these egomaniac celebrities drawing attention to themselves by explaining why they ended up in rehab. So hats off to Eva Mendes – she’s decided to draw attention to herself by not explaining why she ended up in rehab.

Earlier this year you’ll remember that Eva Mendes suddenly went to rehab. It was a shock to hear about, because usually the only celebrities who go to rehab are the ones with out of control personalities, as opposed to no discernible personalities whatsoever.

But why did Eva Mendes go to rehab? Was it personal problems, as the official statement suggested at the time? Substance abuse problems? An addiction to starring in bad Nicolas Cage films? Well guess what – you’re never going to know. Eva Mendes is a notoriously private person and she dislikes revealing anything about herself, as she told Interview magazine in the giant interview that accompanied the enormous close-up covershoot she did for it:

“There are so many lies out there regarding my recent trip to Cirque Lodge. But I don’t care what people think. I just don’t care. So I will neither confirm or deny… You want it to be a lie, because when it’s true, that’s when I’d be like, ‘Oh, my God!’ It’s time to rethink who’s in your circle, because stuff got out.”

What? That’s no fun! Come on Eva Mendes, either confirm or deny that you went to rehab! We need to know, because we’ve invested in your career as an actress, and if you’re not honest with us we’ll be less inclined to believe your portrayal of Lead Generic Latina Slapper in whatever the hell your next film is. It’s your duty!

And what's more, it turns out that Eva Mendes has left rehab without immediately trying to validate her stay by combing over every single tiny personal blip she's ever experienced to a number of glossy magazines. The bitch!

However, Eva Mendes isn't through with rehab yet – reports suggest that she's only left temporarily. But that doesn't answer any of our questions, like why Eva Mendes was even in rehab to begin with, or how long her break from rehab will last or if agreeing to star in Ghost Rider was a direct consequence of being hammered on a shitload of drugs. These are the big questions, people. 

Unless you're some sort of expert, you've probably lost count of exactly what the celebrity rehab situation is at the moment. So, just to get you up to speed, Kirsten Dunst is in rehab and Amy Winehouse is in rehab unless she's not. Britney Spears was in something a bit like rehab, but she's out now and Eva Mendes was in rehab but she's out as well but soon she'll go back. Happy?  

Anyway, this is about Eva Mendes, so let's focus on her. Apparently Eva Mendes had been in rehab in Utah for weeks before anyone found out last Friday, and now she's out already. Sort of. E! Online reports:

A rep for the actress confirmed Mendes has returned to Los Angeles but said she soon plans to head back to the facility where she is being treated. "Eva is attending to some personal business in Los Angeles and intends to return to complete her treatment shortly," publicist Brad Cafarelli said in a statement.

Of course, what stings most about all this is how secretively Eva Mendes is playing it. There was no messy build-up, no crying in public and no almost getting fired by a movie producer for being such a massive trainwreck at work. It's all come out of the blue, and we can only hope that when she's finished her course of rehab Eva Mendes will give a series of dignity-shredding interviews about all her problems just to make up for it.

But still, nobody seems to have learnt why Eva Mendes even went to rehab in the first place – does she have a real problem or is this one of those Isaiah Washingtony pretend rehab stints? – although the odd clue has emerged here and there. Some sources have suggested that Eva Mendes has a cocaine problem, while others have pointed the finger at 'body issues' – which probably means bulimia – and 'low self-esteem'.

That'll be the same Eva Mendes who opened her last film by ramming her fingers up her chuff. And that's her with body issues and low self-esteem? We hate to think what Eva Mendes would be like with no body issues and high self-esteem, in that case.

Lindsay Lohan, probably. Ugh.

Read more:

Eva Mendes on Break from Rehab - E! Online 

That's because Eva Mendes has never crashed her car drunk, had public drug-addled razorblade fights with men about a prostitute or called anyone 'Sugartits' – all tell-tale signs of the rehab-bound.

But never mind that, because Eva Mendes has gone to rehab. And she's been there for several weeks. And she couldn't even be bothered to shave off all her hair in front of a swarm of paparazzi first. What a selfish bitch.

Eva Mendes, although recently named as one of the most desirable women in the world, likes to keep herself to herself. Well, apart from that film she was in where she kept sticking her fingers down her pants. That wasn't especially private of her. But generally, yes, Eva Mendes seemed like the retiring type.

We always assumed that this was because Eva Mendes was a sweet, shy girl who didn't care much for the trappings of fame. Turns out, though, that Eva Mendes was avoiding the limelight because she was off her shit on drugs all the time.

Probably. It's been reported that Eva Mendes – who, let's not forget, almost became a freaking nun – has been holed up in Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab facility for several weeks while she attempts to overcome what's believed to be a substance abuse problem. People reports:

Eva Mendes checked into Utah's Cirque Lodge and has been in the facility, which deals with substance-abuse problems, for several weeks. "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva's privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details," her rep told PEOPLE Friday. 

Looking back it all seems so obvious – not only was Eva Mendes fairly convincing in her role as a drug-addict in We Own The Night, but she also agreed to star in Ghost Rider with Nicolas Cage, and only drug addicts or the legally brain-deficient would have done that.

Again, no word on what exact substance addiction Eva Mendes is actually in rehab for, but our main guess would either be fake tanning agent or Toilet Duck. In fact, there's something highly fishy about this Eva Mendes rehab story – having seen Hitch, 2 Fast 2 Furious and Will Smith's video for Miami, we're buggered if Eva Mendes even knows what substance is.

Worst of all, though, if Eva Mendes is in rehab then it means that PETA is being endorsed by a drug addict. We think that means it's OK to start beating up duckings again.

Read more:

Eva Mendes In Rehab - People 

Animal rights group PETA has just revealed Ghost Rider star Eva Mendes as the latest face, spine and bare arse of its 'I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur' campaign, in an effort to show the world how foolish and disgusting people who do wear fur-based clothing are. So – on the basis that Eva Mendes will stop being naked when the inhumane fur trade realises how cruel and irresponsible it's being – we're going to outside, chop up a monkey with a pair of scissors and turn it into a nice pair of furry slacks.

When Eva Mendes was at her very first movie premiere, her stylist sent her big fur wrap that we believe was made of a mixture of Lassie, Benji, Black Beauty and the hairiest parts of Free Willy. This, like most things, got animal rights group PETA all narked off, and they sent Eva Mendes a letter telling her what a gigantic bitch she was being.

Eva Mendes learnt her lesson there and then, and a beautiful friendship was struck up between the actress and the red-eyed animal-protectors. Now, several years later, Eva Mendes has decided to repay the compliment by taking off her blouse and covering up her boobies with her hands. For the animals.

Following similar campaigns by Alicia Silverstone and Sadie Frost, Eva Mendes has become the latest star to try and encourage people to wear less fur by going naked. It's thought that Eva's naked campaign will be more successful than the others because – unlike Alicia Silverstone – people have heard of her, and – unlike Sadie Frost – people don't dislike her so much that they'll skin a chinchilla just to spite her.

But just how much does Eva Mendes love animals? Quite a bloody lot as it happens, because in the accompanying PETA Q&A, Eva reveals all. Emotionally, that is. We're not talking about her tits this time:

"We Own The Night is a crime thriller set in the late 1980s about two brothers on opposite sides of the law. I play the girlfriend of Joaquin Phoenix, a manager for a club involved with the Russian Mafia, whose brother (played by Mark Wahlberg) is a cop targeting the Mafia for drug involvement. It's a great cast, and it was such a thrill to play opposite actors like Joaquin, Mark, and Robert Duvall."

No, wait, that's the part of the PETA Q&A where Eva Mendes shamelessly promotes her new film. Oh well, there's another bit in it where she says faux fur is quite good. Trust us.

And if you think Eva Mendes loves animals a lot now, just wait until you see her in We Own The Night – she actually puts her fingers in her fanny right at the beginning. For the animals.

Read more:

Eva Mendez Reveals All – The PETA Files