Do you have a dog? Word to the wise – no-one actually cares. It’s your stupid, gristle-munching crap-factory and no-one else wants to deal with it outside of occasional petting of it when we have to visit your fur covered home that smells like dog’s teeth.

That’s because dogs are stupid. They’re impressively stupid. They walk into things, frighten themselves when flatulent and will forever be fooled by someone pretending to throw a ball for them. Dogs, in short, are idiots.

With that, someone ought to tell Eva Mendes who is ten shades of thrilled that she talks to her dog in French and is bowled over that it knows what she’s on about. Or rather, it has no idea.

Talking to those bright folks at Marie Claire about a stupid hound, Mendes says:

“It sounds so pretentious, but he learned his commands in French.”

Are we’re supposed to coo and whoop because, as well you know, when a celebrity has a dog, we have to care like they’ve had a baby (which we also don’t care about).

Se, Mendes brought a Belgian Malinois and called it Hugo. That doesn’t matter though. She could’ve called it ‘Bestiality’ or ‘Spadooey’ or a low guttural howl, and it would’ve eventually answered to it. Either way, Hugo was apparently ”rather intimidating”, yet, instantly obeyed Mendes’s orders for him to lie down or ‘act stupid’.

This awful, wretched beast has also bought her dog a beeper-controlled behavior-modification collar, whatever that means.

And so, Hugo talks French, mainly because Mendes talks French at it. You could grab a puppy and shout ‘testicles’ at it while presenting its lead and, HEY PRESTO! It will be under the impression that the medical word for balls means it will be going for a walk.

You could shout “Sie lassen mich sich erbrechen wünschen!” at a dog while pointing at the cupboard where you keep the food, and lo! It will think that the unpleasant German phrase means its dinnertime!

In short – people who talk about dogs should be punched up the arse. Forever.

It was only a matter of time until Mark Wahlberg embraced the fact that he was fast turning into bumbling platypus that Tinsletown pointed and laughed at.

Firstly, he had the indignity of dubbing himself ‘Marky Mark,’ affiliating himself with the hideously named Funky Bunch, starring in numerous so-so movies (under the guise of serious acting), and finally topping it off with a verbal joust with a resolute plant. Which, the plant won.

Its these previous overly po-faced performances that probably make him such a joy to watch throughout the latest Will Ferrell chuckle-fest, The Other Guys. That and the script, direction and all the other actors, obviously.

Playing partner to the curly-haired comedian, Marky Mark’s Hoit is a fiery, pent-up detective, to Ferrell’s accountant-like Gamble. They both share duties playing the straight man and the loony one, so there’s equal yuk-yuks between the two throughout.

Unfortunately, while previous collaborations between Ferrell and director Adam McKay has placed puerile, simple-minded caricatures into straightforward storylines, The Other Guys fails only by having a ridiculously bewildering plot. It doesn’t sound complicated on paper, with the two of them on the trail of some shady capitalist (Steve Coogan), while trying to prove that they’ve got the chops to be cops, but it’s all a pile of steaming guff. But hey, at least the cast are top notch.

Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson, Steve Coogan, Eva Mendes, a Wayans brother who’s actually tolerable. They’re all here, along with other recognisable faces that you barely care to think about. But, as you can imagine with such an overwhelming amount actors, they’re all crammed into the movie, smacking elbows, butting heads and exchanging penis jokes with barely any room to breathe.

Thank god they’re all a bunch of funny people, then. Ferrell and Wahlberg banter with the best of them, indulge in the odd action scene and don’t skimp on the profanities. If your idea of hell is two grown men jumping through the air firing guns, discussing deer vaginas in disturbing detail, while Alan Partridge sits around looking smug, then stay away.

And get a sense of humour.

And we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the features thrown into the Blu-ray, spooning hot supplementary goodness into our comedy-hungry gobs. The Mom-mentary is an amusing alternative to the standard yak-track, with director McKay and Will Ferrell selling their own mothers to have a day off. Elsewhere, Walhberg brings his fat friend on set to eat flowers, the gag reel can’t keep a straight face and Michael Keaton is…well he’s Michael Keaton.

It might not reach the lofty heights of Anchorman or Step Brothers but The Other Guys is consistently entertaining. And even Mark Wahlberg comes out of it looking good, which is something.

‘Spray Rating: 4/5

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There’s no doubt that comic book movies have included some of the hottest actresses around.

It only makes sense. I mean, if you were creating a comic book story, wouldn’t you draw the hottest women you could think of?

So, obviously, when it comes to turning these scribbles into real people for Movieland, you really have to find the cream. And, for the most part, the studios get it right. So much so, that crunching them down into just 26 was one of the hardest tasks we have ever done.

But it was worth every minute. Enjoy.

26. Maria Bello
Notable comic book movie appearance: A History Of Violence (2005)

Some of you may or may not know that A History Of Violence is a comic book movie. Probably because it doesn’t involve anyone with in tights with superpowers. However, Maria Bello comes close to a superwoman.

25. Natalie Portman
Notable comic book appearance: V for Vendetta (2005)

Another pants film, but Natalie Portman is always worth watching. Terrible accent though.

24. Tanya Roberts
Notable comic book appearance: Sheena (1984)

Possibly the worst movie ever made, but Tanya Roberts does a topless bathing scene. Unfortunately, it has been taken down. If anyone can find it, please send it to us.

23. Maggie Gyllenhaal
Notable comic book appearance: The Dark Knight (2008)

I think we’d all like to give her a bit of a spanking.

22. Naomi Watts
Notable comic book movie appearance: Tank Girl (1995)

I suppose we all had to start somewhere. I definitely prefer her Ring though.

21. Adrienne Barbeau
Notable comic book movie appearance: Swamp Thing (1982)

Her jiggle was the movie’s most memorable special effect.

20. Leonor Varela
Notable comic book movie appearance: Blade 2

A bit of a favourite among the hecklerspray crew. Mind you, with a name that sounds like fabric conditioner it’s only natural she’d clean up.

19. Eva Mendes
Notable comic book movie appearance: Ghost Rider (2007)

Eva Mendes really needs a new agent. She stars in the worst films ever. Ghost Rider certainly falls into that category, but Eva certainly made it slightly watchable.

18. Liv Tyler
Notable comic book movie appearance: The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Is it wrong to prefer with pointy ears?

17. Kelly Hu
Notable comic book movie appearance: X-Men 2 (2000)

Kelly Hu kicked ass in X Men 2. Although you wouldn’t want her to rake her claws down your back.

16. Helen Slater
Notable comic book movie appearance: Supergirl (1984)

More girl next door than hot babe, but it’s always the quiet ones.

15. Kirsten Dunst
Notable comic book movie appearance: Spider-Man trilogy (2002-2007)

Not everyone’s cup of tea, but certainly sexy enough to deserve a place on here.

14. Jennifer Garner
Notable comic book appearances: Daredevil (2003) and Elektra (2005)

Again, both Daredevil and Elecktra were pants, but Jennifer Garner dressed up in that outfit helped ease the pain.

13. Halle Berry
Notable comic book appearances: X-Men trilogy (2000-2006) and Catwoman (2004)

Catwoman sucked big time, but her outfit almost made it worth watching. Almost…

12. Jennifer Connelly
Notable comic book appearance: Hulk (2003), Rocketeer (1991)

Maybe there is something wrong with us, but Hulk was so bad we kept hoping it would end like Requiem For A Dream. That would have woken a few people up.

=10. Malin Akerman and Carla Gugino
Notable comic book movie appearance: Watchmen (2009)

The office is divided over who is better, so we bottled it and slung them together.

9. Rebecca Romijn
Notable comic book appearances: X-Men trilogy (2000-2006)

She may not have looked at her best in X-Men- unless you are turned on by scaly, blue things – but there is no doubt behind the make-up Rebecca is a real class act.

8. Michelle Pfeiffer
Notable comic book movie appearance: Batman Returns (1992)

Batman Returns was a poor follow-up to Batman, but Michelle Pfeiffer certainly livened things up in that suit. OK, we avoided the obvious pussy jokes.

8. Jane Fonda
Notable comic book movie appearance: Barbarella (1968)

Some of you maybe scratching your heads right now, but Barbarella is indeed based on a comic book. A French one by Jean-Claude Forest to be exact. Of course, it is just another excuse to stick a video of Jane Fonda in barely anything on our site.

7. Lena Headey
Notable comic book movie appearance: 300 (2006)

I think we would all would have liked to have gone Spartan on the sexy British actress.

6. Rosario Dawson
Notable comic book movie appearance: Sin City (2005)

Living in sin with Rosario Dawson? OK, where do we sign up?

5. Famke Janssen
Notable comic book appearances: X-Men trilogy (2000-2005)

I think we all would not mind being between Famke’s thighs – even if she is squeezing you to death. Oh, bollocks, wrong movies. Thing is, being turned into dust particles doesn’t work as well, does it?

4. Milla Jovovich
Notable comic book movie appearance: Ultraviolet (2006)

OK, the movie sucked, but Milla is always worth watching.

3. Emmanuelle Vaugier
Notable comic book movie appearance: Painkiller Jane

The Saw actress even outshines Kristanna Loken in the TV movie of Painkiller Jane. Not an easy task.

2. Jessica Biel
Notable comic book movie appearance: Blade: Trinity

It was difficult separating Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba for the top spot, but I’d love to give it a try.

1. Jessica Alba
Notable comic book movie appearances: Sin City, Fantastic Four

Take your pick which role you prefer out of the sexy stripper from Sin City or the angelic Susan Storm in the Fantastic Four, there is no doubt Jessica Alba is one of the hottest women in Hollywood right now.

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Advertising is the easiest job known to man. Come on, it’s hardly rocket science, is it?

You want to sell a car? Employ Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba to tongue each other on the bonnet dressed in bikinis. Simple. You want to sell an aftershave? Employ Hayden Panettiere or Megan Fox to suddenly find any man wearing it irresistible. Simple, but effective. And, let’s face it, anything is better than those bloody aftershave ads that look like something Tracy Emin vomited out after a night on the tiles.

You want to sell tampons? OK, you’re on your own.

The point is, it’s hardly rocket science. Sex sells – everyone knows that. Give a heterosexual man enough of a look at sexy lady flesh and he’ll be halfway to the shop before you know it. New deodorant? Great. New mobile phone? OK! New treatment for thrush? Errr.

It’s not that we’re simple – we just like to look at images of half-naked, sexy girls. Well, just to emphasise the point, Hecklerspray has overcome some technical issues  and decided to come up with its choice of the sexiest ads to date, properly this time. Enjoy!

26. Ellesse tennis ad

We all should play more tennis.

25. Go daddy commercial

Just some good, old-fashioned, squeaky-clean fun. Not sure what it hasto do with Go Daddy, but who cares?

24. Levi’s train commercial

Not entirely sure about she didn’t just use scissors, but who are we to judge?

23. Sprite Zero Commercial

See we learned something today – don’t stalk pretty girls or you’ll end up with no pants. Or something.

22. Scruffs Hardware Commercial

So much better than DIY.

21. Chocoparty ad

What is she selling again? We just spent the last few minutes bobbing our head up and down.

20. Brooke Shields in Calvin Klein jeans ad

You know, Brooke Shields when she was younger could do some amazing things with her body. Well, we’ve all seen Blue Lagoon.

19. Alysso Milano ad for Candie’s perfume

This is the way to sell a product. So simple.

18. Tabasco ad

Now, that’s hot stuff.

17. Britney Spears in ‘Curious’ ad

The only thing we’re curious about why Britney’s room is not padded.

16. Axe Bullet funny ad

Imagine actually owning X-ray specs? Let’s face it, you would spend most of your day shielding your eyes.

15. Lynx commercial

We all could do with more slow motion boob action.

14. Xenergy Drink ad

Just drinking Xenergy drink can turn your life into an MTV video. In another ad for the same drink, the same model Monica is so sexy she could even turn on motorbikes. Put that in Heroes.

13. Vaio commercial

This happen all the time at Hecklerspray Towers.

12. Miller catfight ad

Girls fighting – isn’t that every bloke’s fantasy? Well, actually no, because we all know that the reality is a whole lot different.

11. Victoria Secret – what is sexy commercial

What is sexy? Errr, this video, for starters. Not exactly a secret, Victoria.

10. New Yorker lingerie ad

Not entirely sure they thought this one through. Knickers that can kill?

9. Cindy Crawford Pepsi ad

The success of this ad is summed up in two words – Cindy and Crawford. That’s one mole you would not mind rummaging around in your garden.

8. Paris Hilton’s burger ad

Would have been higher but it’s not exactly the first time we have seen her with some meat in her mouth. Mind you, good to see her actually do some work for a change.

7. Schiesser ad

Belgian nurses have an interesting way to stop a man going into cardiac arrest and a far better bedside manner.

6. Mac’s Orange Juice commercial

This is a such a bizarre ad, but it works for us. We think it’s trying to say, never drink orange juice from horny trees or it turns you into a lesbian. Or something like that.

5. Napster commercial

Even if you hate Napster – you’ll like this ad.

4. Victoria Secret’s Christmas ad

What would Christmas be without Victoria’s Secret? It’s enough to make Santa’s sack bulge.

3. Eva Mendes’ Calvin Klein commercial

Eva Mendes naked. Perfect. More ads like this please.

2. Agent Provocateur commercial with Kylie Minogue

Agent Provocateur has the sexiest underwear you can buy – just as long as you are buying it for Kylie Minogue.

1.  Bavaria beer ad

Beer and women – the perfect combination.

It’s just typical. You finally get an advert worth watching – and then it gets banned.

US TV network bosses have deemed Eva Mendes’ advert for Calvin Klein Secret Obsession perfume – in which she writhes around naked on her bed – as too hot for TV.

Bloody squares. OK, so you can see a bit of nipple, but still.

Anyway, thankfully, hecklerspray has no such concerns, so you can watch Eva Mendes in all her glory below the cut. Enjoy!!

Quickly, name three interesting things about Eva Mendes! Boobs! Rehab! Er…

Can’t do it, can you? That’s because there are only two interesting things about Eva Mendes – her boobs and that time she went to rehab. And it’s a good job that Eva Mendes enjoys getting her boobs out so frequently, because she’s buggered if she’s telling us anything about rehab.

In the latest issue of Interview magazine, Eva Mendes has decided to ‘neither confirm nor deny’ rumours about why she checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility earlier this year. One rumour, possibly started by Eva herself, is that she only went to rehab to research a role. We’ll see how true that is once we’ve worked out whether her next film is about a dreary old self-absorbed tosspot ot not.

This is just a theory, but we’re starting to suspect that celebrities only go to rehab so that they can yammer on and on and on about that time they went to rehab for months and months afterwards.

And the best thing about this theory – other than it being undeniably true – is that the celebrities all have completely individual ways of it. Some apologise to fans on the internet, some quickly deny that anything was wrong with the in them first place, and if you’re really lucky you might get an explanation in the form of Lohan tit-semaphore.

But, anyway, the formula’s becoming so worn lately that we’re all getting a bit bored of having to listen to these egomaniac celebrities drawing attention to themselves by explaining why they ended up in rehab. So hats off to Eva Mendes – she’s decided to draw attention to herself by not explaining why she ended up in rehab.

Earlier this year you’ll remember that Eva Mendes suddenly went to rehab. It was a shock to hear about, because usually the only celebrities who go to rehab are the ones with out of control personalities, as opposed to no discernible personalities whatsoever.

But why did Eva Mendes go to rehab? Was it personal problems, as the official statement suggested at the time? Substance abuse problems? An addiction to starring in bad Nicolas Cage films? Well guess what – you’re never going to know. Eva Mendes is a notoriously private person and she dislikes revealing anything about herself, as she told Interview magazine in the giant interview that accompanied the enormous close-up covershoot she did for it:

“There are so many lies out there regarding my recent trip to Cirque Lodge. But I don’t care what people think. I just don’t care. So I will neither confirm or deny… You want it to be a lie, because when it’s true, that’s when I’d be like, ‘Oh, my God!’ It’s time to rethink who’s in your circle, because stuff got out.”

What? That’s no fun! Come on Eva Mendes, either confirm or deny that you went to rehab! We need to know, because we’ve invested in your career as an actress, and if you’re not honest with us we’ll be less inclined to believe your portrayal of Lead Generic Latina Slapper in whatever the hell your next film is. It’s your duty!

We can't overstate how selfish Eva Mendes is being at the moment – what sort of self-respecting celebrity quietly goes off to rehab instead of having a massive teary public breakdown?

And what's more, it turns out that Eva Mendes has left rehab without immediately trying to validate her stay by combing over every single tiny personal blip she's ever experienced to a number of glossy magazines. The bitch!

However, Eva Mendes isn't through with rehab yet – reports suggest that she's only left temporarily. But that doesn't answer any of our questions, like why Eva Mendes was even in rehab to begin with, or how long her break from rehab will last or if agreeing to star in Ghost Rider was a direct consequence of being hammered on a shitload of drugs. These are the big questions, people. 

Unless you're some sort of expert, you've probably lost count of exactly what the celebrity rehab situation is at the moment. So, just to get you up to speed, Kirsten Dunst is in rehab and Amy Winehouse is in rehab unless she's not. Britney Spears was in something a bit like rehab, but she's out now and Eva Mendes was in rehab but she's out as well but soon she'll go back. Happy?  

Anyway, this is about Eva Mendes, so let's focus on her. Apparently Eva Mendes had been in rehab in Utah for weeks before anyone found out last Friday, and now she's out already. Sort of. E! Online reports:

A rep for the actress confirmed Mendes has returned to Los Angeles but said she soon plans to head back to the facility where she is being treated. "Eva is attending to some personal business in Los Angeles and intends to return to complete her treatment shortly," publicist Brad Cafarelli said in a statement.

Of course, what stings most about all this is how secretively Eva Mendes is playing it. There was no messy build-up, no crying in public and no almost getting fired by a movie producer for being such a massive trainwreck at work. It's all come out of the blue, and we can only hope that when she's finished her course of rehab Eva Mendes will give a series of dignity-shredding interviews about all her problems just to make up for it.

But still, nobody seems to have learnt why Eva Mendes even went to rehab in the first place – does she have a real problem or is this one of those Isaiah Washingtony pretend rehab stints? – although the odd clue has emerged here and there. Some sources have suggested that Eva Mendes has a cocaine problem, while others have pointed the finger at 'body issues' – which probably means bulimia – and 'low self-esteem'.

That'll be the same Eva Mendes who opened her last film by ramming her fingers up her chuff. And that's her with body issues and low self-esteem? We hate to think what Eva Mendes would be like with no body issues and high self-esteem, in that case.

Lindsay Lohan, probably. Ugh.

Read more:

Eva Mendes on Break from Rehab - E! Online 

One name that you wouldn't particularly expect to see on a rehab admission list is Eva Mendes.

That's because Eva Mendes has never crashed her car drunk, had public drug-addled razorblade fights with men about a prostitute or called anyone 'Sugartits' – all tell-tale signs of the rehab-bound.

But never mind that, because Eva Mendes has gone to rehab. And she's been there for several weeks. And she couldn't even be bothered to shave off all her hair in front of a swarm of paparazzi first. What a selfish bitch.

Eva Mendes, although recently named as one of the most desirable women in the world, likes to keep herself to herself. Well, apart from that film she was in where she kept sticking her fingers down her pants. That wasn't especially private of her. But generally, yes, Eva Mendes seemed like the retiring type.

We always assumed that this was because Eva Mendes was a sweet, shy girl who didn't care much for the trappings of fame. Turns out, though, that Eva Mendes was avoiding the limelight because she was off her shit on drugs all the time.

Probably. It's been reported that Eva Mendes – who, let's not forget, almost became a freaking nun – has been holed up in Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab facility for several weeks while she attempts to overcome what's believed to be a substance abuse problem. People reports:

Eva Mendes checked into Utah's Cirque Lodge and has been in the facility, which deals with substance-abuse problems, for several weeks. "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva's privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details," her rep told PEOPLE Friday. 

Looking back it all seems so obvious – not only was Eva Mendes fairly convincing in her role as a drug-addict in We Own The Night, but she also agreed to star in Ghost Rider with Nicolas Cage, and only drug addicts or the legally brain-deficient would have done that.

Again, no word on what exact substance addiction Eva Mendes is actually in rehab for, but our main guess would either be fake tanning agent or Toilet Duck. In fact, there's something highly fishy about this Eva Mendes rehab story – having seen Hitch, 2 Fast 2 Furious and Will Smith's video for Miami, we're buggered if Eva Mendes even knows what substance is.

Worst of all, though, if Eva Mendes is in rehab then it means that PETA is being endorsed by a drug addict. We think that means it's OK to start beating up duckings again.

Read more:

Eva Mendes In Rehab - People 

Eva Mendes doesn't love animals as much as a normal person does, you know – Eva Mendes loves animals so much that she's compelled to get her bum out for them quite a lot.

Animal rights group PETA has just revealed Ghost Rider star Eva Mendes as the latest face, spine and bare arse of its 'I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur' campaign, in an effort to show the world how foolish and disgusting people who do wear fur-based clothing are. So – on the basis that Eva Mendes will stop being naked when the inhumane fur trade realises how cruel and irresponsible it's being – we're going to outside, chop up a monkey with a pair of scissors and turn it into a nice pair of furry slacks.

When Eva Mendes was at her very first movie premiere, her stylist sent her big fur wrap that we believe was made of a mixture of Lassie, Benji, Black Beauty and the hairiest parts of Free Willy. This, like most things, got animal rights group PETA all narked off, and they sent Eva Mendes a letter telling her what a gigantic bitch she was being.

Eva Mendes learnt her lesson there and then, and a beautiful friendship was struck up between the actress and the red-eyed animal-protectors. Now, several years later, Eva Mendes has decided to repay the compliment by taking off her blouse and covering up her boobies with her hands. For the animals.

Following similar campaigns by Alicia Silverstone and Sadie Frost, Eva Mendes has become the latest star to try and encourage people to wear less fur by going naked. It's thought that Eva's naked campaign will be more successful than the others because – unlike Alicia Silverstone – people have heard of her, and – unlike Sadie Frost – people don't dislike her so much that they'll skin a chinchilla just to spite her.

But just how much does Eva Mendes love animals? Quite a bloody lot as it happens, because in the accompanying PETA Q&A, Eva reveals all. Emotionally, that is. We're not talking about her tits this time:

"We Own The Night is a crime thriller set in the late 1980s about two brothers on opposite sides of the law. I play the girlfriend of Joaquin Phoenix, a manager for a club involved with the Russian Mafia, whose brother (played by Mark Wahlberg) is a cop targeting the Mafia for drug involvement. It's a great cast, and it was such a thrill to play opposite actors like Joaquin, Mark, and Robert Duvall."

No, wait, that's the part of the PETA Q&A where Eva Mendes shamelessly promotes her new film. Oh well, there's another bit in it where she says faux fur is quite good. Trust us.

And if you think Eva Mendes loves animals a lot now, just wait until you see her in We Own The Night – she actually puts her fingers in her fanny right at the beginning. For the animals.

Read more:

Eva Mendez Reveals All – The PETA Files