Victoria Beckham is having a baby and we’re supposed to give a flying fuck. No, we are. See, even though we won’t ever meet her, like anything she does or indeed, show even the vaguest flicker of interest in her vapid life, we must greet her new child with ticker tape. And hand grenades if you like.

We just don’t care.

We also don’t care that Posh Spice, which we’ll call her because it invariably irritates her, has asked stupid Eva Longoria to be the Godmother of her unborn daughter. A daughter that will, like all newborn babies, will look like a cross between a glans and a close-up of a tick.

Of course, we’re supposed to replace our own hopes and aspirations with Victoria’s need to have a female baby hacked out of her by a surgeon (you don’t think she’s actually willing to push the thing out do you?), and we must thank our lucky stars that she will be having a little girl, which she’ll parade around in a variety of expensive clothes like a chihuahua.

A friend of the couple – who already some stupid children with stupid names – said:

“Victoria ran it past David and they both want Eva. She’s extremely honoured.”

Not surprising really as Longoria’s life is now completely devoid of any joy after she got divorced from basketball star Tony Parker.

That’d be the Tony Parker who had a mobile phone filled with messages that saw Eva concluding that he’d been having it off with someone else, leaving her to announce the split via twitter, making Phil Collins’ Divorce By Fax’ look rather charming.

Monster.

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Oh Jesus, Joseph and Mary. It’s over. It’s officially over. We kinda hoped that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker would somehow kiss and make up and continue to be that couple who people vaguely recognised… but no… their marriage is now officially dead, just like our hearts.

The pair finalized their divorce, despite thousands of people showing up and chanting “DON’T DO IT! DON’T MAKE US CRY!” through their attorneys in Texas on Friday.

And all because of some stupid text messages.

That’s right chillun. Technology has killed the most beautiful relationship in human history. Well, that and Tony Parker’s wandering thumbs.

Longoria decided to drive a rusty emotional sixteen inch nail through the chest of amour when she discovered that  San Antonio Spurs runner-arounder Parker had been sending hundreds of inappropriate texts to Erin Barry. What makes this all unbearably sad is that Erin is the ex-wife of a former teammate of his.

We are uncontrollably upset about all this, we sincerely are.

That said, knowing their responsibility to they had with regard to the world’s feelings, the pair stayed friends and would court themselves in public while having meals, so that the news could trickle around the world and dry up the children’s tears who have been so badly hit by the splitting up of those two people they recognise from that thing they half-saw that time.

Parker, while sending a picture of his genitals to a random number he typed into his expensive phone, said:

“The most important thing is to stay strong mentally, even if these are very difficult times”

Selflessly, he isn’t talking about himself or Eva, but rather we the people, who suffer so much in this awful, awful time.

That said, perhaps we shouldn’t give a shit because Longoria was wiggling her arse and having a gay old time at the SAG Awards in L.A. on Sunday where she cheerily tweeted about this and that.

And to think how much effort we put into your stupid, ultimately pointless relationship.

YOU MONSTERS.

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Eva Longoria is one of those women who always finds herself in Sexiest Babe polls in rubbish magazines. Therefore, it is safe to assume that the men of the world, by and large, fancy her. So, imagine if you were married to her… you’d be thrilled right?

Not if you’re Tony Parker. See, the NBA star allegedly had a roving eye and sent flirtatious text messages to a bunch of women, the latest being British model Sophia Egeler.

Parker has reportedly counterfiled for divorce against wife Eva Longoria, despite the fact people are muttering about his penchant for sending half-naked photos of himself…. or, as it is now known, Doing A Jason Manford.

According to a whole host of reputable newspapers, Parker met the British model at an Ultimate Fighter show in London and then, belied his wealth, fame and presumable good-looks to start acting like a lusty 14 year old with a camera phone and an erection. Basically, he lost his cool and pursued the 19 year old model in a relentless fashion.

Egeler said:

“From the minute he met me he was trying it on. I had no idea he was Eva Longoria’s husband. He would not take no for an answer and was telling me how much he liked me.”

Jeez. Remind you of anyone?

Anyway, Egeler and Parker ended up at a nightclub together with some mutual friends and, well, Egeler says:

“I decided at 1am I wanted to leave but Parker followed me into the street. He begged me to come back to a house he claimed was his. I said no.”

Then he sent her a topless picture of himself, before asking:

“You want a sexier one still?”

Then, like a basket of needy sadness, he then randomly showed up in Brighton, probably crying and shouting down the street looking for his new object of lust.

And what stopped all this? Well, a little thing called ‘divorce’. Yep, when Longoria filed for divorce on Tuesday, he soon stopped texting the model. If you didn’t know, Longoria apparently found hundreds of texts on his phone to Erin Barry, the wife of a former teammate.

Egeler added:

“When I heard I couldn’t believe it. How stupid is he to risk everything with her?”

How stupid? He’s a professional sportsman, so that’s a question that pretty much answers itself. There’s a lesson for you ladies in all this, isn’t there?

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The remaining one in Desperate Housewives that you would still ‘do’ since That Quite Fit One Who Used To Be In Something Else But Has Now Left has absolutely excelled herself by trivialising one of adult life’s most traumatic moments in a ‘tweet’.

Amazing.

A ‘tweet’.

Eva’s tweet said:

“It is with great sadness that after 7 years together, Tony and I have decided to divorce. We love each other deeply and pray for each other’s happiness.”

What?

We’re casting about now, but the only comparable one we can find is one we sent to a relative saying “Enjoy Egypt. Pay me back upon your return.”

Is this it what it’s come to? A million years ago Phil Collins was considered a douche-bag for dumping one of his wives by FAX.

He’d be considered an absolute gent by now, a fax being the modern-day equivalent of parchment delivered by an errant knight on horseback.

But a ‘tweet’? That’s below a ‘text’. And that’s saying something. And we’re not even certain Tony Parker knew about this before checking his smart-phone all bleary-eyed Wednesday morning.

And anyway back to Eva. Passive-aggressive much?

Her ‘close friend’ (they’re always ‘close’ aren’t they?) Mario ‘Nobody’ Lopez (not his real nickname) has revealed that Eva’s been, like, really unhappy and things? What with all the alleged infidelity and that?

Not alleged by Eva though. Or Mario, for that matter. It just came up. But no-one’s confirming. Not Eva or Mario – who are not the same person. One of them is a sort-of man.

Longoria allegedly found hundreds of text messages on Tony’s mobile phone to one of his San Antonio Spurs teammates’ wives, proving he had been unfaithful and the actress is said to have confirmed the claims to Lopez.

Tony however, is silent.

Lopez – who turns out to be really bloody chatty – tells U.S. news show Extra:

“She is devastated, she wants us all to know that. But she’s strong.”

Says Lopez. NOT Longoria. Easily confused at this stage. God. She probably deserves some sort of medal for being so ‘up front’. Some months ago we had to bin a lady because her flip-flops bothered us… TO HER FACE!

Please send all trophies to the usual address.

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Last week hecklerspray was invited to the Cannes Film Festival for a few days as guests of Stella Artois.

Here are 10 things we now know about this year’s festival that no other website will tell you (or even care about)…

1 – That Darth Vader is not as big as he looks in the movies and in his spare time likes to cavort with half-naked girls in clubs

OK, so it wasn’t really the Dark Lord of the Sith, but a midget dressed up as him. However, it was by far the finest moment of the trip. The Force was certainly strong with him as he threw shapes on the dance floor surrounded by seven of the most stunning girls hecklerspray has ever been allowed to get close to without violating some kind of court order.

The scary thing is that, while our gaze was fixed almost entirely on the writhing girls, looking at some of the strange people in the club, there were definitely some who only had eyes for Dwarf Vader and his tiny lightsabre. Here is a very blurry picture, but we hope to have a video of it soon.

2 – That Eva Longoria really does not want to talk to hecklerspray

Even if we pathetically run after her at a VIP party screaming “Eeeva”. At one point we are pretty sure she started to break into a jog. In fact, her bodyguard was even less impressed. Sorry we don’t have a picture of the blessed event, but, as much as we can remember from our drunken haze, she was very small, very pretty, had very big hair and a designer dress with jewels encrusted in it. We think. There were also a lot of Russian hookers around. See, who needs Vanity Fair?

3 – That you really need to apply sun cream, even if it’s cloudy

Or you will end with third degree burns, looking like the Singing Detective and shunned by your embarrassed peers.

4 – That Jean Claude van Damme likes hecklerspray more than Eva Longoria, but dresses like a kid with an Asbo

Well, he at least said hello and shook our hand – almost breaking it in the process. However, he would not have his picture taken with us, possibly because he could sense the desperation in our eyes, but mainly because he did not want people to realise he was shorter than the dwarf in the Darth Vader outfit. We did manage to take a couple of pictures, however, before he got very uncomfortable and went AWOL (get it?).

Now we are big fans of the Muscles from Brussels but were baffled with what he was wearing (even we made an effort by wearing a suit). Tracksuit bottoms and a white T-shirt? Maybe now he is unemployed he spends most of his time in his backyard in Essex, drinking strong lager (not Stella), smoking tabs and shouting at the neighbours.

5 – That Ethan Hawke is a very small man who tries to compensate by hiring the cast of 300 to protect him

OK, so it wasn’t quite an entire army of Spartan soldiers, but five bodyguards, who even followed him into the toilet. But every movie star we saw was a lot smaller than we thought they would be. In fact, we had to check we were in Cannes rather than Lilliput.

6 – That Universal bosses think Russell Crowe is ‘a bastard’

Of course, that is assuming the guy we spoke to was actually who he says he was and that he was not joking when he said it. Maybe he was cursing the grumpy Australian after just seeing the movie Robin Hood for the first time. We certainly were. Despite the fanfare, the film was rubbish, proof if ever you needed it that while you can’t polish a turd, you can always roll it in glitter.

7 – That taxi drivers in Cannes are murderous, treacherous swines

How do we know this? Well, all we can say is that we are lucky to still be here after being hit not once but twice on pedestrian crossings. In fact, they even accelerated. Maybe Eva Longoria hired them.

8 – That Russell Crowe can handle his drink

We arrived at the Robin Hood party at midnight – about three hours after Crowe. We were told he had already gone, but he actually did not leave until 5am after quite a few drinks. Mind you, he had just been given the dreaded slow hand clap by the Cannes audience after trying to address them at the end of the movie and was probably nursing his bruised, king-sized ego.

9 – That the Cannes film festival attracts a lot of strange people

Women dressed as zombies, pensioners with mullets dressed in pyjamas – and that’s just the celebrities. It’s like walking around a David Lynch movie.

10 – That there is no way of telling people you are going to Cannes without sounding like a smug knob

Believe us, we at least tried.

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Not so long ago, Mad Men‘s Christina Hendricks was named as the best-looking woman in America by Esquire.

That doesn’t mean anything to anybody. Esquire? Who reads that? A bunch of aftershave-wearing lah-di-dahs, that’s who. Nobody cares about Esquire. And ‘best-looking’? We’re judging women here, not hanging baskets. So sorry Christina Hendricks, we’re declaring your title null. No, a better test would be to ask Maxim who the hottest woman in the world is – because Maxim is only read by horny teenage boys, and ‘hottest’ clearly means ‘most likely to make said horny teenage boys drop their pants and start gruesomely molesting themselves’.

So in that case, well done Katy Perry! According to Maxim magazine, Katy Perry is the hottest woman in the world today. Hold your head high, Katy! Hold it high in the knowledge that you’re responsible for about 300 gallons of spilt adolescent semen. Be proud, Katy!

We don’t want to alarm anybody, but we think that Maxim magazine has made a mistake this year. In compiling its list of the world’s 100 hottest women, it seems to have placed Katy Perry at number one. That’s just weird. Not because Katy Perry sort of looks like a transvestite from the 1950s, or because she’s not really famous enough to warrant the attention but, because, look, here’s what Maxim editor-in-chief Joe Levy told UsMagazine about her:

“She’s a triple — no, quadruple — kind of hot. It’s that feeling you get when you suddenly realize that the smartest, funniest, coolest girl you know also happens to the best looking and a pretty good skateboarder, too. All of sudden, your crush goes supernova, and this is Katy’s supernova moment.”

What? You think Katy Perry is hot because she’s funny and intelligent? What? Don’t you remember what magazine you work for? You’re Maxim! You objectify women based on boob size, depth of visible cameltoe in centimetres and likelihood that they’ll put their hand down your trousers in the cinema.

Do you think that Eva Longoria was named as the hottest woman by Maxim for all those years because she’s funny and intelligent? Of course not! If it was a funny and intelligent competition then Eva Longoria would have come dead last, after a mound of dirt and the 1968 photograph of General Nguyen Ngoc Loan executing a Viet Cong prisoner in Saigon. No, Eva Longoria won because she’d look quite good if she cooked your tea in a bikini. It’s the Maxim way, and don’t you ever forget it.

Still, we should congratulate Katy Perry nonetheless. She’s clearly been gunning for this title for a long time, otherwise she wouldn’t have recorded all those songs about kissing girls and stuff. So well done Katy Perry – may this year of making sweaty, bulge-eyed teenage boys do disgusting things to their own under-developed genitals be the greatest year of your life.

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You’re a fan of ladies with legs that are literally as thin as half a sheet of tracing paper? Why, step this way, we have two of ‘em.

Cruz Beckham. Crazy name, crazy guy. Actually, there’s absolutely no proof of that. He is only four, after all. You didn’t know? Oh, yeah, had his birthday party the other day. It was at the Xtreme Martial Arts World Headquarters in Hollywood. We know, totally boring place for a kids’ party, right?

Guess they couldn’t afford the Xtreme Martial Arts Branch Office in Swindon. That’s where it’s really at.

In a country where the average person could balance the scales with a Ford Focus, few things stand out more than a woman with legs you could use to string a banjo. One of those things is a woman with legs you could use to string a banjo AND a voice which sounds exactly like white noise rubbing its fingernails down a blackboard while chewing on a wad of cotton wool mixed with aluminium foil.

Little surprise that such harridans would stick together, which is why, when Cruz Beckham was putting together a guest list for his recent fourth birthday party, his mummy - Victoria Beckham – made sure that Eva Longoria got an invite. (By the way, we don’t want to start any rumours or owt, but ‘Cruz’? Wasn’t that a bit obvious, David Beckham? We hope that Victoria Beckham doesn’t put the evidence together and realise that the child’s real mother is Penelope Cruz).

The theme of the sprog’s birthday party was ‘Superheroes’, with the birthday boy arriving in a Wolverine costume. His mum got into the spirit too, apparently turning up as ‘Linguine‘, titular heroine of the little-known Manga series. Cruz, perhaps having learnt about costume changes from mum, emerged from the party dressed as Iron Man.

We turn to rightwing haterag The Daily Mail for further details:

Cruz turned four on Friday and was spotted with Brooklyn enjoying a game of football at the Coldwater Canyon Park in Beverly Hills. While Romeo looked a chip off the old block as he kicked the ball around having appeared to have inherited his father’s fancy footwork, Cruz still looked a little hazy on the rules of the game. The toddler, who was wearing his father’s number 23 LA Galaxy shirt, didn’t seem fazed by the fact football isn’t a contact sport. He playfully laid in to his older brother with a swift karate kick while trying to get control of the ball.

Oh, those playful Beckham boys, with their playful karate kicks and their playful headbutts to the bridge of the nose.

Sadly, Katie Holmes and her daughter Suri sent apologies for their absence: Tom Cruise apparently has them traipsing round Peru at the moment shouting “Can you hear me? Just knock, or something” into volcanoes.

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For all the pomp and achievement around Barack Obama’s inauguration today, he’s bound to feel a little trepidation.

Obama is inheriting a country that’s in its worst state for decades, and the wave of expectation which took him to the White House is so perilously high that he’s bound to disappoint great swathes of those who voted him in. Before too long, Barack Obama is going to need a friend.

And a friend is what he’s got in Eva Longoria, who’s pledged to plant 500 trees on hs behalf. So that’ll be a great big bloody weight off his mind, then.

You may think that today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to him and him alone, but you’re wrong. You may also think that the inauguration belongs to the people of the world who’ve watched the last eight years pass by with an impotent sense of escalating frustration. But you’d be wrong again.

No, today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to just one group – celebrities.

Seriously, we mean it. Celebrities got Barack Obama elected as president. If it wasn’t for them and their fundraising concerts, berserk little garden-based rants and slightly cringeworthy right-on internet videos, you know where we’d be today? Nazi Germany, that’s bloody where. And that’s FACT.

But just because celebrities voted Barack Obama in, don’t you think for a second that they’re just going to abandon him in his ivory tower now that they’ve got him there. The rich and famous of America are going to do everything in their power to help President Obama out whenever they can, whether it’s by singing a song for his daughters or by taking part in something called the Presidential Pledge, whatever that is.

Oh, alright, we know exactly what the Presidential Pledge is – it’s a scheme invented by Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to get their famous friends to show how much they love Barack Obama by making a promise that they’ll inevitably pay someone else to carry out for them. They even made a video about it. Warning, what you’re about to watch may just be the most terrifying thing you will ever see…

It’s interesting to see the different pledges of different celebrities, isn’t it? As well as Eva Longoria pledging to plant 500 trees and Demi Moore pledging to free a million slaves in five years, it was nice to see Eva Mendes promise to drink less bottled water, and that woman we don’t recognise promising to integrate her heart into her face, or whatever it was she said. We don’t want to watch it again.

However, we want to single out special praise for two celebrities. First is Cameron Diaz, who has promised to smile at her neighbours more than she currently does. OK, it isn’t freeing a million slaves, but we suppose it’s a start.

Secondly, Ashlee Simpson has pledged to be ‘a great mother’. So it’s a good thing that Barack Obama was voted as president, really, because if the other chap got in Ashlee was going to be a deliberately shit mother who fed handfuls of drawing pins to her baby and kicked it down the stairs wherever she could.

Celebrities, we don’t know where we’d be without you. We mean that.

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Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in dry concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal.

There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.

Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.

God knows why, but there seems to be this sort of global willing for Eva Longoria to get pregnant at the moment. It’s like everyone thinks that if they all believe as hard as they can then Eva Longoria will magically get pregnant and we’ll all soon be blessed with a baby that’s just as shrill and objectionable as its mother.

It’s not particularly a new thing – ever since Eva Longoria got married people have been scrutinising the size of her belly with more intensity than those men looking for the Higgs Boson particle in Switzerland. One minute people are saying that Eva Longoria is pregnant, the next they’re saying she’s not, then they’re saying she is again.

But she’s not. Eva Longoria is definitely not pregnant. True, she might have been photographed looking marginally rounder than usual on a beach this summer, but it’s not because she’s pregnant. According to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman:

“She’s just fat, that’s all there is to it!”

See? That’s all there is to it. Eva Longoria is just fat. So fat that she’s got her own postcode. So fat that if you try to kiss her your face burns off on re-entry. So fat that she occasionally leases out her belly button as an amphitheatre for poetry recitals and local amateur dramatic performances of Shakespeare’s comedies. That’s literally how fat Eva Longoria is.

Obviously we’re not stupid enough to believe that Eva Longoria is actually fat. It’s clear that this was just a way for Felicity Huffman to humorously deflect all the speculation over Longoria’s womb in an offhand manner.

But, hey, if Felicity Huffman thinks that Eva Longoria is fat, then just imagine what she thinks of you, you lardy old pissbag.

When hecklerspray was a wee lad our pappy lost his job. He’d been cobbling shoes for almost two decades when all of the sudden he had nowhere to be come nine in the morning.

It was because he was released from prison. He cobbled the shoes of inmates. Regardless of his prior employment, at the time of which we speak he was jobless – until it struck him that rich people would be willing to pay cash money for the lactate of the poor. He started a bottling company complete with strange looking mechanical contraptions and has been busy ever since.

When the chips were down our dear ol’ Pappy did the best with what he had. The same can be said for Eva Longoria – she’s unemployed for the summer now that her one show has ended for the season. And although it’s more than likely she’s tempted to sulk up in her room and wonder why she can’t ever work in the summer – she went and got a job at Wendy’s instead.

She works the drive thru.

It’s a semi-truth that Eva Longoria decided long ago that if she’s ever gonna get to actually touch Dave Thomas‘ dead laminated body – she’d have to get in close proximity to it. She intends to do so, apparently, by finding the kitchen-ventilation system it’s kept in at a non-specified Wendy’s kitchen.

It’s a big job, as there are over 2000 fine Wendy’s restaurants all over the world, and to find the precise one that houses Thomas’ remains could take years – so Longoria better get started. Which she did, apparently:

“The “Desperate Housewives” star worked the drive-thru at the [Wendy's] restaurant Tuesday to help kick off the Father’s Day Frosty Weekend, an event that donates 50 cents for every Frosty sold to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and its signature program, Wendy’s Wonderful Kids.”

Thank you Associated Press. And let us just say we are shocked and appalled that Longoria’s temporary Wendy’s employment had so little to do with finding Dave Thomas’ corpse. In retrospect we realise it was all speculation on our part, partly because if we were ever working at a Wendy’s it would only be to gain a close proximity to Mr. Thomas’ remains, and thank him for so many delicious hamburgers over the years.

Also it would be to put his nuts in a pickle jar and sell them on eBay. Now let’s see if we can find an online job application somewhere.

Remember when Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker was caught shagging that model he met at his wedding?

Well unremember it. It didn't happen. Yes, we know that X17 – the website that broke the story – published all sorts of saucy text messages allegedly from Tony Parker to this model, but they were faked. X17 has admitted that it was all twaddle of the highest order.

So how has X17 chosen to apologise for all the stress it's caused Eva Longoria and Tony Parker? By mumbling the most underwhelming apology in history. But at least it's an apology – we're still waiting for X17 to say sorry for making us think about Eva Longoria for any more than we absolutely have to.

It's the age-old story – boy meets girl, boy somehow remains oblivious to girl's inherent annoyingness, boy marries girl, boy meets pretty French model at own wedding, boy starts shagging model, wife remains annoying. It's a story that happens two, maybe three, hundred times every day.

But it definitely didn't happen to Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Yes, we know that back in December there was that story about Tony Parker shagging the pretty French model Alexandra Paressant who he met at his wedding, but it was all a bunch of lies. X17 – the website that broke the story – has admitted that it was totally unfounded.

In fact, Tony Parker had never met Alexandra Paressant, nor had he sent her any filthy text messages as X17 claimed, nor was she even at the Tony Parker/ Eva Longoria wedding in the first place.

There was talk of Tony Parker wanting to sue X17 for $40 million for publishing these dastardly untruths, but X17 has had a better idea – instead of paying Eva Longoria and Tony Parker all that money, or apologising and actually meaning it, it'd just publish the crappiest and most insincere apology it could muster. TMZ reports:

X17 posted an apology Friday, saying, in part, "X17online.com and X7 [sic], Inc. regret having been misled by Ms. Paressant and her representatives and apologize to Mr. Parker for any damage or inconvenience this may have caused him or his wife." 

Yes, that should make up nicely for almost ripping a marriage apart. Well done chaps.

But at least Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's marriage is strong enough to withstand torrents of falsehoods like this – it looked as if Eva Longoria never once believed that Tony Parker would stray from her – although that might be more down to the alarmingly high self-regard she has than anything else.

And also, if the story about Tony Parker's affair is false, then the statements that Alexandra Paressant gave in her interview must have also been false. One of those statements was that Eva Longoria hated oral sex because she thought that sperm gave you acne, so that has to be false as well. Which means that Eva Longoria loves sperm and gets her way through a bucket of it every single day.

With a straw. She's not an animal.

Please don't sue us.

Read more:

X17's Apology — Greatest Understatement Ever – TMZ 

If you had a film about a crazy ghost coming out soon that looks awful – and a strike on to stop you promoting it on most TV talkshows – what would you do?

Well, if you're Eva Longoria you'd spuriously rush out, buy some baby crap and then start spouting off to anyone who'll listen that you aren't pregnant at all, not even slightly, and that you just wish people would leave you alone.

Welcome to the zany world of Eva Longoria, folks.

If last year was the year that people got obviously pregnant and didn't tell anyone, then let's make this year the year that people deny getting pregnant but kind of allude to the fact that they are for nothing more than 10 seconds of attention. Wait, what? That's what Eva Longoria's already done? That pesky Longoria, she's always one step ahead!

Although it's still unclear whether her husband Tony Parker cheated on her with that French model or not, Eva Longoria is enough of a woman to know what men want – babies. Lots of 'em. But not real babies, they're too noisy and they make you poo when you're giving birth to them – imaginary babies. Imaginary babies that help promote crappy-looking films about sexy ghosts.

Lately, there's been a lot of attention directed at Eva Longoria's belly. Not because she's whipped it out for a lad's mag or a desperately unfunny web video again, but because it's a little bit chunky. And, say, what's Eva Longoria doing turning up to the press day for her bad-looking new film wrapped in a baby blanket? Is she? She can't be. Is Eva Longoria pregnant?

No, don't be silly. Eva Longoria isn't pregnant. Eva Longoria is just fat and stupid, as she told People:

"No pregnancy, not yet. I've been cooking and eating, cooking and eating. I keep telling everyone that I've gained 10 pounds just being on strike… I was freezing, so I had to run down to the gift shop, and they didn't have any wraps. I grabbed this and was like, 'It's so soft, but why is it so small?!' And they said, 'It's for a baby.'"

It's an easy mistake to make, and we can totally sympathise with Eva Longoria. Once we were caught in the rain and we ran into a chemists and grabbed this thing and were like "This feels waterproof, but why is it so bulky?!" And they said "It's a packet of Pampers, you fucking goon." And then, walking home wearing three taped-together baby nappies around our waist we could hear people say "Oh my God, hecklerspray is either pregnant or a Paraphilic infantilist. Does he have a shitty film about a jealous lady ghost coming out soon?"

The answer, of course, was all three.

Read more:

Eva Longoria-Parker: I'm Not Pregnant – People 

Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker is denying that cheated on his wife with French model Alexandra Paressant so strongly that he's suing X17 for $40 million over it.

X17 is the picture agency that first published reports – along with text messages apparently proving it – that Tony Parker had slept with Alexandra Paressant after meeting her for the first time at his own wedding, partly because he was fed up about Eva Longoria yammering on about how sperm gives you acne all the time. But Tony Parker denies having sex with – or even ever meeting – this model so strenuously that he's after $40 million in damages.

Incidentally, if $40 million is the going rate for not having sex with models that you've never met, then we've estimated that we're owed roughly all the money in the whole wide world. Cash is fine. Or a cheque. Or food. Scraps of food. We're so hungry. Anyone?

When you're married to someone like Eva Longoria, as Tony Parker is, there's no need to cheat. With Eva Longoria you get to see that legendary cameltoe in its actual size instead of blown up so huge that the cosmonauts can see it, plus you get to experience that world-famous irritating narcissistic rasp all day, every day, non-stop, all the time until the day you die. Why would you even bother looking elsewhere?

Tony Parker knows that you definitely wouldn't, not at all, especially with French models that he's never even met before. But that didn't stop X17's website from publishing an interview with French model Alexandra Paressant where she claimed to have had a two-month affair with Tony Parker that started when Thierry Henry introduced the pair at Tony's wedding and ended when she discovered he was cheating on her with a third woman.

Alexandra Paressant also claimed that Eva Longoria doesn't like having sex in front of a mirror and thinks sperm gives you acne. Which it apparently does, as a sperm expert told us.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have already denied these claims – about the affair, not the jizz-acne – but now Tony Parker has taken things one step further, by suing X17 for $40 million over it. In the lawsuit, Tony Parker claims he doesn't even know who Alexandra Paressant is:

"This is false. It never happened. And X17 had to know that the story was false, or, at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source. No one from X17 attempted to contact Mr. Henry, who … would have told them in no uncertain terms that this woman was not at the wedding. If this woman exists, he has no way of knowing whether she is one of the many fans who have, from time to time, managed to obtain his cell phone number and called or left messages or who may have engaged him in conversation."

So Tony Parker must be fairly certain that he didn't have a two-month affair with a French model, in which case good for him. This blistering denial will only help to keep his marriage to Eva Longoria rock-solid, or at least as rock-solid as a marriage can be when your wife is a self-absorbed midget with a voice like a toy dog impersonating a machine gun.

Read more:

Parker Sues Web Site That Claimed Affair – Associated Press 

Eva Longoria and her husband Tony Parker and still together and stronger than ever, despite claims that he's been up to his nutsack in a French model called Alexandra Paressant.

It has been reported that Tony Parker was sleeping with Paressant behind Eva Longoria's back for two months after meeting her at his own wedding. X17, which broke the story, also claims to have a number of text messages that Tony Parker sent Alexandra Paressant – and in in French too, the dirty bugger. However, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have issued a statement saying that the story is completely untrue, and that Eva Longoria would leave Tony Parker instantly if she ever discovered he'd been cheating on her.

Or she'd stick with him for the rest of his life – whichever one would be more likely to send him into a painful wibbling meltdown. Probably the second one.

If you were married to Eva Longoria, you'd be a fool to cheat on her. After all, it isn't a mistake that Eva Longoria was deemed sexy enough to flash her cameltoe to the universe last year. So, maybe you'd look back on your single days with a certain degree of fondness, or perhaps try to knock her head off with the back of a shovel just to stop the incessant self-absorbed yip yip yip that pours out of it ten to the dozen 24 hours a day, but actually cheat on Eva Longoria? No.

However, a French model is claiming that that's exactly what Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker has been doing. Alexandra Paressant, who was introduced to Tony Parker by Thierry Henry at his wedding to Eva Longoria, claims that she had a two-month sexual relationship with Parker that ended when she discovered that he was cheating on her with a third woman. Not only that, but Alexandra Paressant also claims that Tony Parker blabbed all about Eva Longoria's sexual foibles too. According to Paressant:

"He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like [a] certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne."

Sperm gives acne? Really? But we thought sperm cured acne! To think, we chugged that thee-litre bottle of it for nothing a decade ago. Still, at least Eva Longoria didn't disprove the old 'wiping fresh animal turds into your eyes cures short-sightedness' story, or we'd be in real trouble.

But anyway, apparently there are text messages that back up Alexandra Paressant's story, but forging text messages is so easy that even a monkey could do it these days.

And, for what it's worth, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are denying the story completely. According to People:

"I love my wife," Parker said in a statement to PEOPLE. "She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Longoria, who took Parker's name this year after their July nuptials, added, "Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband." 

OK, maybe not a denial as such, but you get the idea. Not that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have a spotless relationship, of course. Before they were married Eva and Tony briefly split up following claims that she'd been cheating on him with AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, only to get back together a couple of days later.

So what's the truth here? It's not unknown for famous wives of sports stars to stick with their husbands after they've cheated, but at the same time nobody really seems to know who this Alexandra Paressant – and since she's pretty and French there's every chance she's made it all up to get a little bit more famous.

All we can hope, then, is that Eva Longoria looks inside herself and does the right thing. The right thing, of course, being to shut up for once just to give our ears a bit of rest for one blissful second.

Read more:

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker Smack Down Rumors of Affair – People