Cruz Beckham. Crazy name, crazy guy. Actually, there’s absolutely no proof of that. He is only four, after all. You didn’t know? Oh, yeah, had his birthday party the other day. It was at the Xtreme Martial Arts World Headquarters in Hollywood. We know, totally boring place for a kids’ party, right?

Guess they couldn’t afford the Xtreme Martial Arts Branch Office in Swindon. That’s where it’s really at.

In a country where the average person could balance the scales with a Ford Focus, few things stand out more than a woman with legs you could use to string a banjo. One of those things is a woman with legs you could use to string a banjo AND a voice which sounds exactly like white noise rubbing its fingernails down a blackboard while chewing on a wad of cotton wool mixed with aluminium foil.

Little surprise that such harridans would stick together, which is why, when Cruz Beckham was putting together a guest list for his recent fourth birthday party, his mummy - Victoria Beckham – made sure that Eva Longoria got an invite. (By the way, we don’t want to start any rumours or owt, but ‘Cruz’? Wasn’t that a bit obvious, David Beckham? We hope that Victoria Beckham doesn’t put the evidence together and realise that the child’s real mother is Penelope Cruz).

The theme of the sprog’s birthday party was ‘Superheroes’, with the birthday boy arriving in a Wolverine costume. His mum got into the spirit too, apparently turning up as ‘Linguine‘, titular heroine of the little-known Manga series. Cruz, perhaps having learnt about costume changes from mum, emerged from the party dressed as Iron Man.

We turn to rightwing haterag The Daily Mail for further details:

Cruz turned four on Friday and was spotted with Brooklyn enjoying a game of football at the Coldwater Canyon Park in Beverly Hills. While Romeo looked a chip off the old block as he kicked the ball around having appeared to have inherited his father’s fancy footwork, Cruz still looked a little hazy on the rules of the game. The toddler, who was wearing his father’s number 23 LA Galaxy shirt, didn’t seem fazed by the fact football isn’t a contact sport. He playfully laid in to his older brother with a swift karate kick while trying to get control of the ball.

Oh, those playful Beckham boys, with their playful karate kicks and their playful headbutts to the bridge of the nose.

Sadly, Katie Holmes and her daughter Suri sent apologies for their absence: Tom Cruise apparently has them traipsing round Peru at the moment shouting “Can you hear me? Just knock, or something” into volcanoes.

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Obama is inheriting a country that’s in its worst state for decades, and the wave of expectation which took him to the White House is so perilously high that he’s bound to disappoint great swathes of those who voted him in. Before too long, Barack Obama is going to need a friend.

And a friend is what he’s got in Eva Longoria, who’s pledged to plant 500 trees on hs behalf. So that’ll be a great big bloody weight off his mind, then.

You may think that today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to him and him alone, but you’re wrong. You may also think that the inauguration belongs to the people of the world who’ve watched the last eight years pass by with an impotent sense of escalating frustration. But you’d be wrong again.

No, today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to just one group – celebrities.

Seriously, we mean it. Celebrities got Barack Obama elected as president. If it wasn’t for them and their fundraising concerts, berserk little garden-based rants and slightly cringeworthy right-on internet videos, you know where we’d be today? Nazi Germany, that’s bloody where. And that’s FACT.

But just because celebrities voted Barack Obama in, don’t you think for a second that they’re just going to abandon him in his ivory tower now that they’ve got him there. The rich and famous of America are going to do everything in their power to help President Obama out whenever they can, whether it’s by singing a song for his daughters or by taking part in something called the Presidential Pledge, whatever that is.

Oh, alright, we know exactly what the Presidential Pledge is – it’s a scheme invented by Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to get their famous friends to show how much they love Barack Obama by making a promise that they’ll inevitably pay someone else to carry out for them. They even made a video about it. Warning, what you’re about to watch may just be the most terrifying thing you will ever see…

It’s interesting to see the different pledges of different celebrities, isn’t it? As well as Eva Longoria pledging to plant 500 trees and Demi Moore pledging to free a million slaves in five years, it was nice to see Eva Mendes promise to drink less bottled water, and that woman we don’t recognise promising to integrate her heart into her face, or whatever it was she said. We don’t want to watch it again.

However, we want to single out special praise for two celebrities. First is Cameron Diaz, who has promised to smile at her neighbours more than she currently does. OK, it isn’t freeing a million slaves, but we suppose it’s a start.

Secondly, Ashlee Simpson has pledged to be ‘a great mother’. So it’s a good thing that Barack Obama was voted as president, really, because if the other chap got in Ashlee was going to be a deliberately shit mother who fed handfuls of drawing pins to her baby and kicked it down the stairs wherever she could.

Celebrities, we don’t know where we’d be without you. We mean that.

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There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.

Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.

God knows why, but there seems to be this sort of global willing for Eva Longoria to get pregnant at the moment. It’s like everyone thinks that if they all believe as hard as they can then Eva Longoria will magically get pregnant and we’ll all soon be blessed with a baby that’s just as shrill and objectionable as its mother.

It’s not particularly a new thing – ever since Eva Longoria got married people have been scrutinising the size of her belly with more intensity than those men looking for the Higgs Boson particle in Switzerland. One minute people are saying that Eva Longoria is pregnant, the next they’re saying she’s not, then they’re saying she is again.

But she’s not. Eva Longoria is definitely not pregnant. True, she might have been photographed looking marginally rounder than usual on a beach this summer, but it’s not because she’s pregnant. According to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman:

“She’s just fat, that’s all there is to it!”

See? That’s all there is to it. Eva Longoria is just fat. So fat that she’s got her own postcode. So fat that if you try to kiss her your face burns off on re-entry. So fat that she occasionally leases out her belly button as an amphitheatre for poetry recitals and local amateur dramatic performances of Shakespeare’s comedies. That’s literally how fat Eva Longoria is.

Obviously we’re not stupid enough to believe that Eva Longoria is actually fat. It’s clear that this was just a way for Felicity Huffman to humorously deflect all the speculation over Longoria’s womb in an offhand manner.

But, hey, if Felicity Huffman thinks that Eva Longoria is fat, then just imagine what she thinks of you, you lardy old pissbag.

It was because he was released from prison. He cobbled the shoes of inmates. Regardless of his prior employment, at the time of which we speak he was jobless – until it struck him that rich people would be willing to pay cash money for the lactate of the poor. He started a bottling company complete with strange looking mechanical contraptions and has been busy ever since.

When the chips were down our dear ol’ Pappy did the best with what he had. The same can be said for Eva Longoria – she’s unemployed for the summer now that her one show has ended for the season. And although it’s more than likely she’s tempted to sulk up in her room and wonder why she can’t ever work in the summer – she went and got a job at Wendy’s instead.

She works the drive thru.

It’s a semi-truth that Eva Longoria decided long ago that if she’s ever gonna get to actually touch Dave Thomas‘ dead laminated body – she’d have to get in close proximity to it. She intends to do so, apparently, by finding the kitchen-ventilation system it’s kept in at a non-specified Wendy’s kitchen.

It’s a big job, as there are over 2000 fine Wendy’s restaurants all over the world, and to find the precise one that houses Thomas’ remains could take years – so Longoria better get started. Which she did, apparently:

“The “Desperate Housewives” star worked the drive-thru at the [Wendy's] restaurant Tuesday to help kick off the Father’s Day Frosty Weekend, an event that donates 50 cents for every Frosty sold to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and its signature program, Wendy’s Wonderful Kids.”

Thank you Associated Press. And let us just say we are shocked and appalled that Longoria’s temporary Wendy’s employment had so little to do with finding Dave Thomas’ corpse. In retrospect we realise it was all speculation on our part, partly because if we were ever working at a Wendy’s it would only be to gain a close proximity to Mr. Thomas’ remains, and thank him for so many delicious hamburgers over the years.

Also it would be to put his nuts in a pickle jar and sell them on eBay. Now let’s see if we can find an online job application somewhere.

Well unremember it. It didn't happen. Yes, we know that X17 – the website that broke the story – published all sorts of saucy text messages allegedly from Tony Parker to this model, but they were faked. X17 has admitted that it was all twaddle of the highest order.

So how has X17 chosen to apologise for all the stress it's caused Eva Longoria and Tony Parker? By mumbling the most underwhelming apology in history. But at least it's an apology – we're still waiting for X17 to say sorry for making us think about Eva Longoria for any more than we absolutely have to.

It's the age-old story – boy meets girl, boy somehow remains oblivious to girl's inherent annoyingness, boy marries girl, boy meets pretty French model at own wedding, boy starts shagging model, wife remains annoying. It's a story that happens two, maybe three, hundred times every day.

But it definitely didn't happen to Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Yes, we know that back in December there was that story about Tony Parker shagging the pretty French model Alexandra Paressant who he met at his wedding, but it was all a bunch of lies. X17 – the website that broke the story – has admitted that it was totally unfounded.

In fact, Tony Parker had never met Alexandra Paressant, nor had he sent her any filthy text messages as X17 claimed, nor was she even at the Tony Parker/ Eva Longoria wedding in the first place.

There was talk of Tony Parker wanting to sue X17 for $40 million for publishing these dastardly untruths, but X17 has had a better idea – instead of paying Eva Longoria and Tony Parker all that money, or apologising and actually meaning it, it'd just publish the crappiest and most insincere apology it could muster. TMZ reports:

X17 posted an apology Friday, saying, in part, "X17online.com and X7 [sic], Inc. regret having been misled by Ms. Paressant and her representatives and apologize to Mr. Parker for any damage or inconvenience this may have caused him or his wife." 

Yes, that should make up nicely for almost ripping a marriage apart. Well done chaps.

But at least Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's marriage is strong enough to withstand torrents of falsehoods like this – it looked as if Eva Longoria never once believed that Tony Parker would stray from her – although that might be more down to the alarmingly high self-regard she has than anything else.

And also, if the story about Tony Parker's affair is false, then the statements that Alexandra Paressant gave in her interview must have also been false. One of those statements was that Eva Longoria hated oral sex because she thought that sperm gave you acne, so that has to be false as well. Which means that Eva Longoria loves sperm and gets her way through a bucket of it every single day.

With a straw. She's not an animal.

Please don't sue us.

Read more:

X17's Apology — Greatest Understatement Ever – TMZ 

Well, if you're Eva Longoria you'd spuriously rush out, buy some baby crap and then start spouting off to anyone who'll listen that you aren't pregnant at all, not even slightly, and that you just wish people would leave you alone.

Welcome to the zany world of Eva Longoria, folks.

If last year was the year that people got obviously pregnant and didn't tell anyone, then let's make this year the year that people deny getting pregnant but kind of allude to the fact that they are for nothing more than 10 seconds of attention. Wait, what? That's what Eva Longoria's already done? That pesky Longoria, she's always one step ahead!

Although it's still unclear whether her husband Tony Parker cheated on her with that French model or not, Eva Longoria is enough of a woman to know what men want – babies. Lots of 'em. But not real babies, they're too noisy and they make you poo when you're giving birth to them – imaginary babies. Imaginary babies that help promote crappy-looking films about sexy ghosts.

Lately, there's been a lot of attention directed at Eva Longoria's belly. Not because she's whipped it out for a lad's mag or a desperately unfunny web video again, but because it's a little bit chunky. And, say, what's Eva Longoria doing turning up to the press day for her bad-looking new film wrapped in a baby blanket? Is she? She can't be. Is Eva Longoria pregnant?

No, don't be silly. Eva Longoria isn't pregnant. Eva Longoria is just fat and stupid, as she told People:

"No pregnancy, not yet. I've been cooking and eating, cooking and eating. I keep telling everyone that I've gained 10 pounds just being on strike… I was freezing, so I had to run down to the gift shop, and they didn't have any wraps. I grabbed this and was like, 'It's so soft, but why is it so small?!' And they said, 'It's for a baby.'"

It's an easy mistake to make, and we can totally sympathise with Eva Longoria. Once we were caught in the rain and we ran into a chemists and grabbed this thing and were like "This feels waterproof, but why is it so bulky?!" And they said "It's a packet of Pampers, you fucking goon." And then, walking home wearing three taped-together baby nappies around our waist we could hear people say "Oh my God, hecklerspray is either pregnant or a Paraphilic infantilist. Does he have a shitty film about a jealous lady ghost coming out soon?"

The answer, of course, was all three.

Read more:

Eva Longoria-Parker: I'm Not Pregnant – People 

X17 is the picture agency that first published reports – along with text messages apparently proving it – that Tony Parker had slept with Alexandra Paressant after meeting her for the first time at his own wedding, partly because he was fed up about Eva Longoria yammering on about how sperm gives you acne all the time. But Tony Parker denies having sex with – or even ever meeting – this model so strenuously that he's after $40 million in damages.

Incidentally, if $40 million is the going rate for not having sex with models that you've never met, then we've estimated that we're owed roughly all the money in the whole wide world. Cash is fine. Or a cheque. Or food. Scraps of food. We're so hungry. Anyone?

When you're married to someone like Eva Longoria, as Tony Parker is, there's no need to cheat. With Eva Longoria you get to see that legendary cameltoe in its actual size instead of blown up so huge that the cosmonauts can see it, plus you get to experience that world-famous irritating narcissistic rasp all day, every day, non-stop, all the time until the day you die. Why would you even bother looking elsewhere?

Tony Parker knows that you definitely wouldn't, not at all, especially with French models that he's never even met before. But that didn't stop X17's website from publishing an interview with French model Alexandra Paressant where she claimed to have had a two-month affair with Tony Parker that started when Thierry Henry introduced the pair at Tony's wedding and ended when she discovered he was cheating on her with a third woman.

Alexandra Paressant also claimed that Eva Longoria doesn't like having sex in front of a mirror and thinks sperm gives you acne. Which it apparently does, as a sperm expert told us.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have already denied these claims – about the affair, not the jizz-acne – but now Tony Parker has taken things one step further, by suing X17 for $40 million over it. In the lawsuit, Tony Parker claims he doesn't even know who Alexandra Paressant is:

"This is false. It never happened. And X17 had to know that the story was false, or, at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source. No one from X17 attempted to contact Mr. Henry, who … would have told them in no uncertain terms that this woman was not at the wedding. If this woman exists, he has no way of knowing whether she is one of the many fans who have, from time to time, managed to obtain his cell phone number and called or left messages or who may have engaged him in conversation."

So Tony Parker must be fairly certain that he didn't have a two-month affair with a French model, in which case good for him. This blistering denial will only help to keep his marriage to Eva Longoria rock-solid, or at least as rock-solid as a marriage can be when your wife is a self-absorbed midget with a voice like a toy dog impersonating a machine gun.

Read more:

Parker Sues Web Site That Claimed Affair – Associated Press 

It has been reported that Tony Parker was sleeping with Paressant behind Eva Longoria's back for two months after meeting her at his own wedding. X17, which broke the story, also claims to have a number of text messages that Tony Parker sent Alexandra Paressant – and in in French too, the dirty bugger. However, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have issued a statement saying that the story is completely untrue, and that Eva Longoria would leave Tony Parker instantly if she ever discovered he'd been cheating on her.

Or she'd stick with him for the rest of his life – whichever one would be more likely to send him into a painful wibbling meltdown. Probably the second one.

If you were married to Eva Longoria, you'd be a fool to cheat on her. After all, it isn't a mistake that Eva Longoria was deemed sexy enough to flash her cameltoe to the universe last year. So, maybe you'd look back on your single days with a certain degree of fondness, or perhaps try to knock her head off with the back of a shovel just to stop the incessant self-absorbed yip yip yip that pours out of it ten to the dozen 24 hours a day, but actually cheat on Eva Longoria? No.

However, a French model is claiming that that's exactly what Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker has been doing. Alexandra Paressant, who was introduced to Tony Parker by Thierry Henry at his wedding to Eva Longoria, claims that she had a two-month sexual relationship with Parker that ended when she discovered that he was cheating on her with a third woman. Not only that, but Alexandra Paressant also claims that Tony Parker blabbed all about Eva Longoria's sexual foibles too. According to Paressant:

"He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like [a] certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne."

Sperm gives acne? Really? But we thought sperm cured acne! To think, we chugged that thee-litre bottle of it for nothing a decade ago. Still, at least Eva Longoria didn't disprove the old 'wiping fresh animal turds into your eyes cures short-sightedness' story, or we'd be in real trouble.

But anyway, apparently there are text messages that back up Alexandra Paressant's story, but forging text messages is so easy that even a monkey could do it these days.

And, for what it's worth, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are denying the story completely. According to People:

"I love my wife," Parker said in a statement to PEOPLE. "She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Longoria, who took Parker's name this year after their July nuptials, added, "Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband." 

OK, maybe not a denial as such, but you get the idea. Not that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have a spotless relationship, of course. Before they were married Eva and Tony briefly split up following claims that she'd been cheating on him with AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, only to get back together a couple of days later.

So what's the truth here? It's not unknown for famous wives of sports stars to stick with their husbands after they've cheated, but at the same time nobody really seems to know who this Alexandra Paressant – and since she's pretty and French there's every chance she's made it all up to get a little bit more famous.

All we can hope, then, is that Eva Longoria looks inside herself and does the right thing. The right thing, of course, being to shut up for once just to give our ears a bit of rest for one blissful second.

Read more:

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker Smack Down Rumors of Affair – People