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Eva Longoria

Victoria Beckham To Allow That Monster Eva Longoria To Be Godmother

by Mof Gimmers on June 14, 2011 0 Comments

Victoria Beckham is having a baby and we’re supposed to give a flying fuck. No, we are. See, even though we won’t ever meet her, like anything she does or indeed, show even the vaguest flicker of interest in her vapid life, we must greet her new child with ticker tape. And hand grenades if you like.

We just don’t care.

We also don’t care that Posh Spice, which we’ll call her because it invariably irritates her, has asked stupid Eva Longoria to be the Godmother of her unborn daughter. A daughter that will, like all newborn babies, will look like a cross between a glans and a close-up of a tick.

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You’ll Cry Yourself To Sleep When You Hear That Eva Longoria And Tony Parker Have Got Divorced

by Mof Gimmers on January 31, 2011 0 Comments

Oh Jesus, Joseph and Mary. It’s over. It’s officially over. We kinda hoped that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker would somehow kiss and make up and continue to be that couple who people vaguely recognised… but no… their marriage is now officially dead, just like our hearts.

The pair finalized their divorce, despite thousands of people showing up and chanting “DON’T DO IT! DON’T MAKE US CRY!” through their attorneys in Texas on Friday.

And all because of some stupid text messages. Read More >>>

Tony Parker Was Dumped By Eva Longoria For Sending Saucy Pictures Of Himself To A Variety Of Women, Allegedly

by Mof Gimmers on November 22, 2010 0 Comments

Eva Longoria is one of those women who always finds herself in Sexiest Babe polls in rubbish magazines. Therefore, it is safe to assume that the men of the world, by and large, fancy her. So, imagine if you were married to her… you’d be thrilled right?

Not if you’re Tony Parker. See, the NBA star allegedly had a roving eye and sent flirtatious text messages to a bunch of women, the latest being British model Sophia Egeler.

Parker has reportedly counterfiled for divorce against wife Eva Longoria, despite the fact people are muttering about his penchant for sending half-naked photos of himself…. or, as it is now known, Doing A Jason Manford. Read More >>>

Eva Longoria Confirms Divorce Via Twitter – Astonishing

by Paul Pencott on November 18, 2010 4 Comments

The remaining one in Desperate Housewives that you would still ‘do’ since That Quite Fit One Who Used To Be In Something Else But Has Now Left has absolutely excelled herself by trivialising one of adult life’s most traumatic moments in a ‘tweet’.

Amazing.

A ‘tweet’.

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Ten Things Hecklerspray Learnt At The Cannes Festival

by David Schwartz on May 17, 2010 0 Comments

Last week hecklerspray was invited to the Cannes Film Festival for a few days as guests of Stella Artois.

Here are 10 things we now know about this year’s festival that no other website will tell you (or even care about)…

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Official: Katy Perry Is Quite Good To Masturbate To

by Stuart Heritage on May 11, 2010 1 Comment

Not so long ago, Mad Men‘s Christina Hendricks was named as the best-looking woman in America by Esquire.

That doesn’t mean anything to anybody. Esquire? Who reads that? A bunch of aftershave-wearing lah-di-dahs, that’s who. Nobody cares about Esquire. And ‘best-looking’? We’re judging women here, not hanging baskets. So sorry Christina Hendricks, we’re declaring your title null. No, a better test would be to ask Maxim who the hottest woman in the world is – because Maxim is only read by horny teenage boys, and ‘hottest’ clearly means ‘most likely to make said horny teenage boys drop their pants and start gruesomely molesting themselves’.

So in that case, well done Katy Perry! According to Maxim magazine, Katy Perry is the hottest woman in the world today. Hold your head high, Katy! Hold it high in the knowledge that you’re responsible for about 300 gallons of spilt adolescent semen. Be proud, Katy!

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Victoria Beckham And Eva Longoria Have Skinny-Off At Child’s Party

by Paul Gibson on February 23, 2009 0 Comments

You’re a fan of ladies with legs that are literally as thin as half a sheet of tracing paper? Why, step this way, we have two of ‘em.

Cruz Beckham. Crazy name, crazy guy. Actually, there’s absolutely no proof of that. He is only four, after all. You didn’t know? Oh, yeah, had his birthday party the other day. It was at the Xtreme Martial Arts World Headquarters in Hollywood. We know, totally boring place for a kids’ party, right?

Guess they couldn’t afford the Xtreme Martial Arts Branch Office in Swindon. That’s where it’s really at.

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Eva Longoria Plants A Tree For Barack Obama, Or Something

by Stuart Heritage on January 20, 2009 0 Comments

For all the pomp and achievement around Barack Obama’s inauguration today, he’s bound to feel a little trepidation.

Obama is inheriting a country that’s in its worst state for decades, and the wave of expectation which took him to the White House is so perilously high that he’s bound to disappoint great swathes of those who voted him in. Before too long, Barack Obama is going to need a friend.

And a friend is what he’s got in Eva Longoria, who’s pledged to plant 500 trees on hs behalf. So that’ll be a great big bloody weight off his mind, then.

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Huffman Says Eva Longoria Is A Fatty Fat Fatty Fatto Fat Fat

by Stuart Heritage

Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal.

There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.

Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.

Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal. There's no point arguing with any of that because it's all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria - the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel - is so morbidly obese that she'll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide. Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can't doubt Felicity Huffman's judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.
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Eva Longoria Charitably Enslaved By Delicious Wendy’s Drive Thru

by Shawn Lindseth

When hecklerspray was a wee lad our pappy lost his job. He’d been cobbling shoes for almost two decades when all of the sudden he had nowhere to be come nine in the morning.

It was because he was released from prison. He cobbled the shoes of inmates. Regardless of his prior employment, at the time of which we speak he was jobless – until it struck him that rich people would be willing to pay cash money for the lactate of the poor. He started a bottling company complete with strange looking mechanical contraptions and has been busy ever since.

When the chips were down our dear ol’ Pappy did the best with what he had. The same can be said for Eva Longoria – she’s unemployed for the summer now that her one show has ended for the season. And although it’s more than likely she’s tempted to sulk up in her room and wonder why she can’t ever work in the summer – she went and got a job at Wendy’s instead.

She works the drive thru.

When hecklerspray was a wee lad our pappy lost his job. He'd been cobbling shoes for almost two decades when all of the sudden he had nowhere to be come nine in the morning. It was because he was released from prison. He cobbled the shoes of inmates. Regardless of his prior employment, at the time of which we speak he was jobless - until it struck him that rich people would be willing to pay cash money for the lactate of the poor. He started a bottling company complete with strange looking mechanical contraptions and has been busy ever since. When the chips were down our dear ol' Pappy did the best with what he had. The same can be said for Eva Longoria - she's unemployed for the summer now that her one show has ended for the season. And although it's more than likely she's tempted to sulk up in her room and wonder why she can't ever work in the summer - she went and got a job at Wendy's instead. She works the drive thru.
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