Articles tagged with: Eva Longoria
You're a fan of ladies with legs that are literally as thin as half a sheet of tracing paper? Why, step this way, we have two of 'em. Cruz Beckham. Crazy name, crazy guy. Actually, there's absolutely no proof of that. He is only four, after all. You didn't know? Oh, yeah, had his birthday party the other day. It was at the Xtreme Martial Arts World Headquarters in Hollywood. We know, totally boring place for a kids' party, right? Guess they couldn't afford the Xtreme Martial Arts Branch Office in Swindon. That's where it's really at.
For all the pomp and achievement around Barack Obama's inauguration today, he's bound to feel a little trepidation. Obama is inheriting a country that's in its worst state for decades, and the wave of expectation which took him to the White House is so perilously high that he's bound to disappoint great swathes of those who voted him in. Before too long, Barack Obama is going to need a friend. And a friend is what he's got in Eva Longoria, who's pledged to plant 500 trees on hs behalf. So that'll be a great big bloody weight off his mind, then.
Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in dry concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal. There's no point arguing with any of that because it's all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria - the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel - is so morbidly obese that she'll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide. Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can't doubt Felicity Huffman's judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.
When hecklerspray was a wee lad our pappy lost his job. He'd been cobbling shoes for almost two decades when all of the sudden he had nowhere to be come nine in the morning. It was because he was released from prison. He cobbled the shoes of inmates. Regardless of his prior employment, at the time of which we speak he was jobless - until it struck him that rich people would be willing to pay cash money for the lactate of the poor. He started a bottling company complete with strange looking mechanical contraptions and has been busy ever since. When the chips were down our dear ol' Pappy did the best with what he had. The same can be said for Eva Longoria - she's unemployed for the summer now that her one show has ended for the season. And although it's more than likely she's tempted to sulk up in her room and wonder why she can't ever work in the summer - she went and got a job at Wendy's instead. She works the drive thru.
Remember when Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker was caught shagging that model he met at his wedding?
Well unremember it. It didn't happen. Yes, we know that X17 - the website that broke the story - published all sorts of saucy text messages allegedly from Tony Parker to this model, but they were faked. X17 has admitted that it was all twaddle of the highest order.
So how has X17 chosen to apologise for all the stress it's caused Eva Longoria and Tony Parker? By mumbling the most underwhelming apology in history. But at least it's an apology - we're still waiting for X17 to say sorry for making us think about Eva Longoria for any more than we absolutely have to.
If you had a film about a crazy ghost coming out soon that looks awful - and a strike on to stop you promoting it on most TV talkshows - what would you do?
Well, if you're Eva Longoria you'd spuriously rush out, buy some baby crap and then start spouting off to anyone who'll listen that you aren't pregnant at all, not even slightly, and that you just wish people would leave you alone.
Welcome to the zany world of Eva Longoria, folks.
Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker is denying that cheated on his wife with French model Alexandra Paressant so strongly that he's suing X17 for $40 million over it.
X17 is the picture agency that first published reports - along with text messages apparently proving it - that Tony Parker had slept with Alexandra Paressant after meeting her for the first time at his own wedding, partly because he was fed up about Eva Longoria yammering on about how sperm gives you acne all the time. But Tony Parker denies having sex with - or even ever meeting - this model so strenuously that he's after $40 million in damages.
Incidentally, if $40 million is the going rate for not having sex with models that you've never met, then we've estimated that we're owed roughly all the money in the whole wide world. Cash is fine. Or a cheque. Or food. Scraps of food. We're so hungry. Anyone?
Eva Longoria and her husband Tony Parker and still together and stronger than ever, despite claims that he's been up to his nutsack in a French model called Alexandra Paressant.
It has been reported that Tony Parker was sleeping with Paressant behind Eva Longoria's back for two months after meeting her at his own wedding. X17, which broke the story, also claims to have a number of text messages that Tony Parker sent Alexandra Paressant - and in in French too, the dirty bugger. However, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have issued a statement saying that the story is completely untrue, and that Eva Longoria would leave Tony Parker instantly if she ever discovered he'd been cheating on her.
Or she'd stick with him for the rest of his life - whichever one would be more likely to send him into a painful wibbling meltdown. Probably the second one.
