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Eurovision

Eurovision 2009: Flor-de-Lis, Portugal

by Stuart Heritage

Eurovision 2009 is close. So close we can taste it. It tastes like blood. Oh, wait, no, that’s where we’ve tried to chew our own tongue off because we can’t stand Eurovision. Our mistake. Anyway, want to know the Eurovision news for the day? It’s an unusual one – today’s Eurovision profile is a song [...]

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Eurovision 2009: Lidia Kopania, Poland

by Stuart Heritage

11 days. That’s it. 11 days and it’s the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest. But don’t be sad, because we’ve still got an infuriatingly large amount of countries to get through before then.

And with such a short amount of time left until Eurovision, we’re sure you can imagine how busy it is over at Eurovision HQ! Why, just last week it was announced that Dita Von Teese might be performing with the Germans during their performance. Which is exciting, right? Right? Oh, why won’t anybody answer us?

Anyway, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Lidia Kopania from Poland…

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Eurovision 2009: Alexander Rybak, Norway

by Stuart Heritage

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that we can’t possibly top yesterday’s Eurovision profile.

And you’re right. We can’t. Yesterday we profiled the worst Eurovision song in history, and nothing can come close to even equalling its magnificent awfulness. But here’s the next best thing – the favourite to win Eurovision. Relax, though – it’s performed by a child who’ll you’ll probably want to injure.

Here, then, is the Eurovision 2009 profile for Alexander Rybak from Norway…

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Eurovision 2009: The Toppers, Netherlands

by Stuart Heritage

Look, it’s been a rubbish week. Nobody’s got any money and we’ll all be dead by the summer.

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EUROVISION 2009: Andrea Demirovi?, Montenegro

by Stuart Heritage

Halfway through the week, but we promise you that it’ll be the best half-week of these Eurovision 2009 rundowns.

Well, maybe not the best. But the most interesting, at least. Why? Because Friday’s profile is performed by the worst boy in all the world, and tomorrow’s profile is the absolute worst song we have ever heard in all our lives. And today’s profile? Well, um, let’s skip over that, shall we?

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Eurovision 2009: Nelly Ciobanu, Moldova

by Stuart Heritage

Ready for another buttload of Eurovision 2009 profiles? Yes, of course you are. We know we’re hyping this up a bit, but in a few days we’re going to be showing you the worst Eurovision entry we’ve ever heard. It’s awful. It’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s so bad it’s genuinely made us [...]

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Eurovision 2009: Chiara, Malta

by Stuart Heritage

Guess what? We’re going to hit you with a brace of new Eurovision 2009 profiles.

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Eurovision 2009: Next Time, FYR Macedonia

by Stuart Heritage

Let’s round out the week of Eurovision profiles with a good one, shall we?

Actually, no, let’s not. Because for that to happen we’d have to transport everyone to a strange parallel universe where the Eurovision Song Contest is an exhibition of the best in artistic talent that Europe has to offer, and not a crappy night of rubbish music. And the cost of doing that would be prohibitive. So here’s some more of the usual crap instead.

It’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Next Time from FYR Macedonia…

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Eurovision 2009: Sasha Son, Lithuania

by Stuart Heritage

The Eurovision Song Contest is almost upon us, and…

No, actually, wait. The Eurovision Song Contest isn’t almost upon us at all. It’s weeks away. Honestly, there’s ages before the Eurovision Song Contest. It’s much too early to bother with any of it. Really, it is. Why don’t you take the time you were planning to read this and do something more constructive? Say hi to your neighbour. Write that book you always promised yourself. It’s better this way.

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Eurovision 2009: Intars Busulis, Latvia

by Stuart Heritage

Here comes another Eurovision 2009 profile. Excitement. We know we’re a few days away, here, but we really have to give you a heads up about the Norwegian Eurovision entry this year. He is quite possibly the worst child in all the world. That’s all we’re willing to point out at the moment, but just [...]

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