Proper news organisations have all sorts of grown up codes and practices. So imagine if they were having a slow news day and had to report on less important articles like Lee Ryan? We imagine that a piece about one of life’s biggest blips would go along the lines of saying; “Lee Ryan, bad boy of pop band Blue has been living up to his reputation of causing chaos on a night out on the town.”

But here at the hecklerspray hole, we know that Lee Ryan has never had a credible reputation as a popstar or as a hard man. A yoghurt that’s gone a day past its expiry date poses more of a threat.

However, our number one bruv has been in bother with the authorities before. A few years ago, he was fined £500 after attacking a taxi driver following a crash in Surrey. Maybe our Lee’s given up on singing and is now imitating superheroes by getting involved in brawls, but not saving anyone. This particular epic struggle took place at his birthday party in June.

Why we weren’t invited to the birthday celebrations of Lee Ryan is beyond us. It isn’t like we’ve ever fallen out or anything. Well, there was that one time he dropped the “c” bomb on us after we had a snigger at his appearance on reality show Hell’s Kitchen. Surely the skills he picked up could be transferred to his local kebab shop where Lee could claim the title of chief meat botherer? Hell, he could probably stab us all to death in a really artistic way if he really wanted to.

The simplest of things can cause a full blown fight to erupt. It could be from political differences, pointless hate over supporting a rival football team or even the classic scenario of someone accidentally looking at your drink. We don’t know what happened at Lee Ryan’s big bash to cause such a kerfuffle, but we imagine that someone disagreed with Lee’s stance on elephants. After all, the Blue singer does feel that the victims of September 11th weren’t as important as the tusked creatures. We wonder if he knows where ivory comes from? But from reports, we’ve heard that:

“The singer had invited dozens of people to an Oxford nightclub, charging £10 for tickets, but a row inside spilled into the street.”

We’re aware that the world’s economy has gone belly up and everybody is looking to save money where possible, but charging people to get into your own birthday bash? Christ knows what the payment is for. Perhaps Lee did have good intentions and wanted to give anyone attending more than just a party bag containing a slab of cake, hat and rubbish toy. That said, if he was broke, he could’ve sold left-over copies of Blue’s albums before they’re all shipped off to North Korea to be used as coasters.

At this point we’d argue that fining someone a laughable £80 for improper conduct is a joke to justice and hardly a dent in the finances of someone with ‘celeb status. But then again, the judge knows that the perpetrator was Lee Ryan, a bloke who is close to joining a local busking band as backing vocalist in order to make some pennies. So the amount is fair, it’ll take him months to repay in weekly 5p instalments.

But we don’t like to see a bruv in peril. Therefore, we’re offering a staggering £50 for Lee Ryan to come play at the ‘spray bedsit Christmas party. It’ll be a hoot. And full of knock off booze and, most importantly, pointless fist fights.

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We haven’t seen much of Cheryl Cole since America decided that it really, really hated her voice. As such, Cole almost vanished from the planet, if you don’t count the endless speculative articles that surrounded her for months.

And we could well be seeing a lot less of her as she’s been granted an superinjunction (please note, it is more of an ‘injunction’, but ‘superinjunction’ is a buzz word used to describe pretty much anything these days) which means that anyone who takes her picture without permission could end up having their collar felt by the long, stinky arm of the law.

Basically, this court order has been issued against “XYZ and others”. This means that anyone who has photographed her ‘at her home and in the street during 2011′, will be breaking the law. That means you excitable Cheryl fans could get arrested for snapping her. So what can we all do to get around it? Photoshopping images is the key!

If you’re a fan of Cheryl who newspapers might describe as ‘loyal’ and are mental enough to camp out to see her in various places ‘just to see if she’s okay’ or shout I LOVE YOU CHERYL for no reason at all, any photographs you take will be against the terms of the order.

Of course, if this proves vaguely successful, other celebrities will waste absolutely no time in getting their own orders out.

As such, we’ll be faced with the strange event that a celebrity will happily pose for photos at events, yet, they don’t want their photos taking at all.

Wouldn’t it be funny if all the media outlets clubbed together and decided that they wouldn’t take a picture of a celebrity ever, ever again, replacing their images with photoshopped horrors.

Such as? Well, let hecklerspray get the ball rolling with some suggestions. If we can’t snap Cheryl anymore, we’ll just have to imagine what she looks like these days.

You’re welcome.

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We live in a world that is dominated by girl groups… and it really is fantastic. Rock is pretty much dead in the water, filled with bloated, self-worthy fellas with guitars peddling pedestrian, plodding pish. The girls meanwhile are making fun, Friday night records. Apart from Adele.

And now that Cheryl Cole has been ‘freed’ from the shackles of television and Simon Cowell, she’s now able to rejoin Girls Aloud to once more make quirky, witty pop. Which is a relief.

She’s looking forward to it too, saying that she’s “glad” not to be a part of The X Factor circus anymore. And with a GA comeback afoot, she can drum up some publicity by taking needless swipes at everyone. Aaaah, it feels good to write this hackneyed old crap again.

Apparently, Cheryl has told chums (or as they’re known in the press, ‘sources which have never met the person who is being written about’):

“I’m actually really happy not to be on the show now. It was definitely the right decision for me,”

“I was so badly mucked around by Simon and everyone involved. I don’t want that in my life any more. I’m better off without it.”

She reportedly added:

“I’ll make my own decisions now and not have to be dependent on someone else. I’ve moved on. I’m loving being home and being back in Britain. It feels right for me right now.”

“Nobody realises this but I never actually had this great dream to break the States. It was Simon who encouraged me to take the job there. If I never come famous in America then that’s fine with me.”

And this is all because Girls Aloud are coming back in 2012. Nicola Roberts is, of course, creating something of a storm with her new single, Beat Of My Drum, which isn’t actually as great as everyone claims, rather, being an example of a pop star who everyone is rooting for thanks to a refreshing lack of ego and a will to make immediate, vaguely quirky pop. Nadine Coyle could learn some lessons in humility from ol’ Nicola.

So once Roberts has wrapped up her promos, Cheryl will be waiting at camp GA, stating that she’d arranged to rejoin the group and isn’t one for going back on her word….

“I always keep my promises, unlike some people.”

“I’d never go back on my word. I always honour my ­commitments, unlike some people I know. I keep my ­promises.”

Hear that Simon? Of course you didn’t. You’re too far up a former Pussycat Doll’s arse to hear anything at all. Either way, it’s looking likely that Girls Aloud will be making an appearance at the opening on the London Olympics in some way, which is just brilliant news.

And no, we’re not being sarcastic.

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One of the odd things that surrounds Cheryl Cole, is people’s propensity to note that she was working class. It is supposed to be a negative that she’s a chav who got lucky – like that’s a bad thing. It is unfortunate then, that she’s now indulging in a playgroup scrap with Simon Cowell, indeed reminiscent of a scally spitting at a dinner lady.

Apparently, the friendship they had is now over and dead. Which isn’t so good for her television career, which we know you all enjoyed.

So what’s the beef? Well, the Girls Alouder (do they still exist or are they simply in pop-limbo?) isn’t particularly chuffed that Cowell decided to talk to the press about her axe from X Factor USA, which saw the mogul saying that Chezza was ‘nervous’ and ‘uncomfortable’ on the show.

It would appear that Cowell had promised to keep his big mouth, filled with denture-white teeth, well and truly shut… which of course, he didn’t as he chattered on endlessly about Cole’s replacement, Nicole Scherzinger (which is irritating for people like us who like surnames that are easy to spell).

It appears that Cole told friends:

“If he thinks we are going to be friends he can forget it.”

“If Simon thinks he can claim it was a business arrangement that went wrong, he is insane. She wasn’t uncomfortable on the show. She was enjoying herself. No one complained at the time.”

Like a schoolyard quibble, it would appear that Cowell didn’t do the dirty deed himself, getting someone else to do it for him like the little jerk-off who starts a fight then sends in the big lumpen mate to actually start throwing the punches.

“Simon admits he got his top producer Richard Holloway to tell her she was off the US show – that’s because he was afraid to do it himself. Cheryl trusted him implicitly and she doesn’t do that with many people. He made a mockery of their friendship so now it’s dead in the water.”

But this is all bollocks isn’t it, stirring up interest for the American version of The X Factor, so what do we care?

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Here at hecklerspray, there are just two things guaranteed to make us deliriously giddy. One is watching the munchkin scene from The Wizard of Oz, where they’re all dead happy and singing about death, making us truly believe that all tiny people singing people are filled with love for each other.  The other is Justin Bieber walking into a glass door (no need to explain why).

So when we heard that two tiny borebag pop stars, Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul were not BFF on the X Factor, it almost destroyed us.

We can still hear Matthew Laidlow crying at night when he thinks everyone in the squalid ‘spray residence is asleep.

An insider from the inside of something said:

‘Paula didn’t take to Cheryl at all and treated her like they were in high school’

‘She completely blanked her and pretended not to know anything about her. Cheryl was supposed to sit next to Simon but Paula had a tantrum and Simon backed down’

It’s like Saved by the Bell all over again.  Let’s hope Paula didn’t say anything mean about Cheryl’s clothes.

‘Paula was really passive aggressive and said things to Cheryl like: “That’s an interesting outfit – you have unusual style.”

Oh she did.

Fair point though.

It all became too much and Cheryl confronted Paula about her bitchy attitude resulting in a West Side Story dance off with moves Paula choreographed in 1988.

Okay, that probably didn’t happen but apparently Cheryl’s temper raised it’s ugly lollipop grabbing head and she called Paula a c*** to her face. Even better.

How we wish this was true.  We may start liking her.

Bye bye.

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Simon Cowell is pulling a sad face at the moment. Well, he’s trying to. The front bit of his head seems strangely immovable these days doesn’t it? It’s like a taut sausage, waiting to be popped with a fork. This is not a call to stab Cowell in the face should you see him.

Where were we? Oh yes, Simon is all sad. That’s because he’s had to watch his chum Cheryl Cole getting dumped by people more powerful than him, making the whole thing doubly wounding.

Since getting the chop from X Factor USA, Cheryl Cole has gone into hiding, ignoring everyone’s calls and texts (especially those sent by us, but then again, she’s been ignoring them since Girls Aloud liked each other), leaving Cowell to break the silence on the whole thing.

It appears that the person taking Cheryl’s place on the show is… uh… Simon Cowell, but he’s feeling really, really bad about it. Honest he is.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

…says Simon, now down to a mere three buttons fastened on his expensive, yet boring shirt.

A source says that Simon’s hands were pretty much tied about the whole Cheryl Cole thing.

“He loves Cheryl and did everything in his power to get her on US TV. But channel chiefs just weren’t happy. It was a necessary evil and he feels terribly guilty about it.

“He knew he’d get a slap in the face from her for all of this – and he certainly got one. But he doesn’t want any bad blood.”

Does anyone actually believe any of this guff? Cheryl getting the boot because of her accent? On a show that has Steve Jones presenting?

Really? REALLY?

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America has a huge variety of accents, from the baffling Boston garble, to the irritating Valley speak, not to mention the bizarre voices you hear in the Deep South. Sadly, America also has lazy earholes and can’t be bothered learning how to adapt to any European accents.

And this could well be the reason that Cheryl Cole has been replaced by Pussycat Doll Nicole Sherzinge weeks before the show airs.

Of course, Cole has been a vaguely controversial choice for a judges chair on the show, basically because she’s a relative unknown Stateside, and there have been concerns over the fact that Cheryl has a Geordie accent. However, it would appear the lack of chemistry with Paula Adbul could be the reason, despite the fact it is nigh on impossible to get a rapport going with someone who has all the vitality of a euthanised Basset Hound.

Cole was supposed to star alongside Simon Cowell and LA Reid, despite her regional accent. She, however, insists that it hasn’t ever really been a problem over there.

“Americans can always understand me. I’ve been here a lot, I’ve got a lot of American friends and we have the odd moments where they’re like ‘What? What did that mean?’ – you know, a phrase.”

“But I think that it’s going to be something that people get used to. And I’m proud of my accent.”

You have to remember, one of the thickest popstars in history, will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas, can understand Cheryl Cole perfectly well, unless he’s simply been nodding politely for the past coupla years he’s known her (not impossible, granted).

But whatever. Fox and Cowells representatives don’t want to talk about the rumour that Cheryl’s been fired from the show, which probably means she hasn’t been handed her P45 at all and this is all excellent hype building for a show that could well take over America completely.

$5million to the winner too.

Oh, and if you’re wondering where all the jokes got to, you have to remember that we wrote all this while doing a poor impression of a Geordie accent. Idiots. Do we have to wipe your asses too?

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Remember Javine Hylton? No? She’s the girl famous for being called a ‘slag’ by Jamelia on Nevermind The Buzzcocks. Yeah. You vaguely recall that? Well, elsewhere, Javine has knocked uglies with MC Harvey, not won Eurovision and not won Popstars: The Rivals.

Basically, there’s very little of note about her, apart from her curious teeth.

However, this hasn’t stopped her from slating people with more success and more talent than her (she should totally write for hecklerspray with that attitude) and has launched a broadside against those that appear on The X Factor.

Javine has said that Simon ‘Vince McMahon’ Cowell needs to hire “someone who can actually sing” to sit on his all new X Factor judging panel.

Of course, this isn’t sour grapes at all and nothing at all to do with the fact that she narrowly missed out on a winning spot on Popstars: The Rivals to Cheryl Cole, who obviously went on to be in Girls Aloud with great success, as well as having a well received solo career and not to mention the whole television thing too.

Javine says:

“It would be nice to have someone on the panel that could actually sing. At least when you watch ‘American Idol’ Randy Jackson has been in the music business and is a singer and a vocal coach.

“They need someone like that on ‘The X Factor’, even if it is a vocal coach it would be nice to have someone who knows what they’re talking about.

“It always sounds slightly weird when you hear certain people passing comment when they don’t really know how to do it themselves.”

Javine added:

“It would be nice to get someone with a bit of weight behind them, who has been out there – Beverley Knight or someone like that.

“It would be really nice to have a black person on there as well because there’s never any black people who get into music in this country. You know, spice it up a bit. Come on! I think Kelly Rowland would be amazing.”

Javine is currently not doing much and obviously not aware of the plethora of young black British singers currently ruling the British pop roost.

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Blue’s fairly average effort at the Eurovision Song Contest over the weekend, in which they discussed the merits of a mysterious figure named ‘Ican’, brought to light an interesting political phenomenon north of the border (in Scotland, yeah?).

On realizing that even Jedward were better than the UK entry, several sources on the Twitter could be heard muttering darkly that this was as good a reason as any to vote ‘yes’ to Independence in Big Eck’s referendum.

A lot of people in Scotland will tell you they voted SNP t’other week on the grounds that they did a pretty decent job of the last four months in government; because their traditional faith in the Lib Dems has been bummed to within an inch of its life; or because they were inherently disgusted by the prospect of Labour leader Iain Gray’s toupee-like hair representing the nation at international events, behaving like a ferret on ketamine. But that’s all lies. What the Scottish people really want is to be able to put forward their own entry to the Eurovision.

‘Just imagine it,’ voters whispered dreamily to themselves at polling stations up and down the country, ‘if we were independent from the rest of the UK, we could alternate SuBo and The Proclaimers year after year, winning every competition and building our entire infrastructure around sequins, pyrotechnics and wind machines. The ship yards could reopen, but instead of building boring old ships, hundreds of big beefy men would be crafting set pieces for the show.’

And think of the VT interludes! What a chance to show the country in all its wonderful independent diversity. The West Highland way, littered with the forgotten bones of English ramblers. Highrise tower blocks stand out dramatically against dusky pink sunsets, the cries of agoraphobic elderly tenants faintly discernible above the howling of the gulls. Homeless people line the streets, picking at the remains of discarded Mars bar suppers before organizing a rendition of Auld Lang Syne as one performs a shuffling pas-de-basques.

Our prodigal sons could return home, too. A source lied,

“Alan Cumming freakin’ hates living in New York. How could the bright lights of the Big Apple possibly compare to the bustling nightlife of Kirckaldy?”

Meanwhile we have it on authority that if Sir Sean of Connery has to eat any more paella in his tax-free Spanish villa, he’ll likely explode from boredom. A Scottish Eurovision entry could save him that pain, giving him reason to live again. Maybe he’d even return to acting, and goodness knows we need performers of his versatility to whip amateurish youngsters like James Franco and Jesse Eisenberg into shape.

So watch out, Europe. Pending a successful referendum and several severe changes to the Scotland Act that would have to be approved by both the Queen and the decisively unionist Prime Minister David Cameron, an independent Scotland will be coming atcha in 4-5 years with the catchiest entry since Waterloo.

Imagine, a Scottish hosted Eurovision. It’s a wonderful dream. And this might even be the song to take us there.

This was a guest post by Ali George, and it’s not racist cause she’s as Scottish as kilts and castles, and writes words over at 12books12months

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The Eurovision has been and gone, with an immediately forgettable song from Azerbaijan winning, leaving the controller of AzTV absolutely shitting his pants at the prospect of hosting one of the most prestigious shows in the calendar.

More forgettable that the winning song… which was called… uh… um… whatever it was, is ‘I Can’ by Blue which, in hindsight, should have been called ‘We Won’t’.

Of course, the collective egos in Blue won’t be able to process what happened on the night. They’re still wrapped in their little bubble that tells them that, if they hit a high note or two and flash some pectoral muscles, they’ll be met with unswerving praise, like they’ve just found the cure for every illness in history. Alas, they finished mid-table and are now filed under ‘flop’.

Blue managed to create the world’s first tug o’war that saw neither party wanting them, leaving their song acting as the loose rope, limping dangling between two groups, both yelling “NO! WE HATE THEM MORE!” And while hecklerspray desperately wanted a scoreless performance from the lads, we’re actually rather pleased Lee Ryan & Co finished in middling nowhere.

Everyone remembers Gemini. Hopefully everyone will forget Blue even existed in the first place.

Naturally, this doesn’t make any sense to the members of Blue so they’re sticking with the line, presumably fed to them by a personal assistant who can’t wait to see the back of them, that they have been victims of political voting.

Simon Webbe said:

“It is often not really about the song but who your neighbours are. But we are proud of what we did.”

So proud that, reportedly, Duncan, Lee and Simon stayed up until 6am being really classy and knocking back endless Jaegerbombs like they were students. Token stolen police cone, Antony Costa, was so disappointed that he went straight to bed before planning which cashpoints he’d urinate on in the morning.

Sadly, we suspect this isn’t the last we’ve heard of these horrible, preening gits.

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As far as most music fans in the UK are concerned, there is no other country in Europe that can produce decent quality sounds. This seems like a pretty arrogant attitude to take when you look at the UK charts and consider the fact that sodding Adele has been at number one for weeks.

Nonetheless, it seems that only British acts can top its own chart, giving the impression that all of Europe is rubbish at making music.

But fear not everyone, just like an awkward anniversary of getting a cyst removed, the annual event that is the Eurovision Song Content has rolled around. Each year we forget about our generic sounding cockney twostepgrimedubstepsplattermash and instead wrap our ears round European music that generally leaves us confused and wanting to suckle the safety teat of Lulu. Will we be seduced by Serbian harp playing or blown away by Latvian drum solos? Or will the whole thing be a fucking shambles, making Blue look like musical Gods?

This year’s Eurovision Song Contest is being held at the Düsseldorf Arena, in Germany. The 2010 winners always get to host the overly expensive event that might have seemed a great idea at the time, but once costs mount up, it like a totally pointless exercise. But then again, Germany will probably benefit financially from the influx of tourists who’ll come and indulge in its traditional cultural offerings, such as beer, sausages and weird leather based garments – Angela Merkel’s face being a mixture of all three.

It’s at this time where we should probably offer some sort of betting odds and laugh at some of the various entrants in this year’s competition. However, some of the various slaves who pump out words at hecklerspray have decided to live tweet the event on Saturday. What’ll make it better is seeing the acts for the first time so we can give a totally unbiased opinion, all whilst getting slightly more intoxicated as the night goes on.

As it stands, we’re aware of two acts that are set to feature in Eurovision and both are strangely ones we’ve heard before. For the UK, its piss poor excuse for a boy band, Blue. Once upon a time they were quite popular and then it went downhill as idiot members such as Lee Ryan decided to speak for themselves. Scraping the bottom of the barrel is an understatement as Blue attempt to revitalise their career. We can assume they’ve been picked by the BBC as most of Europe know who they are already, giving a slight advantage. Here is their entry which sounds like a shit motivational speech backed by music made on a broken keyboard:

Elsewhere, Ireland have down the road of using a novelty act and have sent Jedward along to show the rest of Europe that there is more to the nation than U2 and Tatyos.

The duo have remarkably made a decent career after being kicked off the X-Factor a couple of years ago. This track is much more uptempo than the offering from Blue. We can only assume that Jedward are going down the Rihanna and Britney Spears route of releasing an electronica tinged song because it’s the current flavour of the month.

Out of the UK and Ireland song choices, we’d probably say Jedward will win. Not because we we’re being petty and detest Blue, but it’s more energetic track. Europeans seem to like bonkers offerings and out of the two, Jedward win.

Remember, we should be around on Saturday to live blog it. Hopefully Twitter won’t block our account like they did for the Royal Wedding.

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When PR people tout their products to us, we’re often told that “it’s the film or album of the year,” this is quite a statement considering we get sent this claims every day of the year. However, we can categorically say that Lee Ryan of terrible manband Blue has given the quote of the year.

Bless poor Lee and his supermarket own brand socks. Out of all the members of Blue, he was meant to be the cute and adorable member. Sadly, he has an expression permanently glued to his face that resembles a rabbit that’s about to get squished by a lorry.

Lee’s job is to emit some high pitched squeals and yelps and do nothing more. Sadly, the cogs in his brain don’t quite turn properly and when he does speak his mind, utter drivel comes out. But we’ve got it all wrong according to Lee.

Not so long ago, Lee Ryan decided that it was time to out himself. Not as a homosexual to accompany bisexual bandmate Duncan James, but as a secret genius.

Crikey, this comes as a shock to us as we’ve heard all sorts of stuff come from his mouth over the years. These choice quotes make us wonder if he’s actually a comedian who can keep a perfect straight face:

“To be honest everything goes over my head a bit.”

“I still have imaginary friends who I talk to in my head.”

These are all classic Lee Ryan moments. No wonder his group did so well; people got three singers to entertain them and some sort of village idiot following them around. However, there is one special moment when our Lee topped his own levels of stupidity. After the tragic September 11th attacks, Lee Ryan didn’t have much concern for the innocent victims. Instead he said:

“Who gives a f**k about New York when elephants are being killed.”

Moronic behaviour from such a kind and caring gentlemen? Who are we to judge? Actually, for once we can! That’s right, over the years we’ve had a few run-ins with the warbling tit – not once, twice but three times! Clothes guru Chris Laverty got the c bomb dropped on him and even our evil overlord editor Mof Gimmers suffered some misspelt abuse after he defended the honour of one of our ace readers. And for this writer? Child like anger being sent via MySpace after Lee’s exit from reality show Hell’s Kitchen..

Even though all the evidence suggests that Lee Ryan amuses himself by sticking his fingers into plug sockets, he obviously thinks differently to our superior opinion. Ahead of his band’s dire Eurovision campaign, Lee said:

“They say if you’re left-handed and dyslexic you only use the creative side of your brain. It’s very rare to be left-handed and dyslexic, so I’m a bordering genius.”

All before band mate Duncan James corrected him by saying:

“A borderline genius.”

Zinged by Duncan James. Incredible.

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Latter-day adherent to the Knights Code of Chivalry Lee Ryan has had yet another busy weekend making himself appear exactly as gash as everyone had long-ago decided he actually is.

When quizzed as to why he rarely visits his ‘love-child’ daughter, the permanently perplexed-looking poltroon replied with the justification:

“I already have a son.”

WHAT? DO YOU THINK THAT’S HOW IT WORKS LEE RYAN? It’s not like saying you don’t play on your PS3 because you’ve already got an Xbox you squinty-eyed chump. You get some misguided young lady up the clout, make some sort of vague effort with your responsibilities and that makes any other child born as a result of you getting some other poor lass you met on mySpace up the pigeon just not count?

Whilst not busy appearing in pop music promos with an expression on his face that is meant to suggest he is ‘emoting’ but actually just makes him look like he is suffering a difficult bowel movement, Lee “Man Of The Century” Ryan pre-emptively sprung to his own defence by stating that:

“I haven’t done anything wrong and I’m not a bad bloke. I’ll do what I’ve got to do in my own career and my own life. For my own happiness. I’m not gonna be… told what to do”

Despite it taking a DNA test before Lee “You Look Cold Love, Here Take My Coat” Ryan even acknowledged the child was even his daughter.

The non-bad bloke who hasn’t done anything wrong was also this weekend reported to have replied to the mother of his more important son’s request for financial assistance with the text message:

“You can starve you fucking bitch! I hate u that much!!!”

At time of writing it is not known if the mother of Lee “Don’t Be Silly, I’ll Pay For That” Ryan’s son has actually starved to death, or if his daughter has the slightest idea what he looks like.

But he’s “not a bad bloke” and he has his career to think about. Good luck in Eurovision, guys.

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