Here it is, the moment literally nobody on Earth has been waiting for – the Eurovision Song Contest 2009.

This year, Eurovision is coming all the way from Moscow. We’re not, by the way. We’re sitting on a sofa in what appears to be a US military-approved stress position hammering away on a grossly underpowered laptop. But that’s beside the point. Can the UK win Eurovision this year? No. No we can’t. But join us back here at 8pm so we can all watch the spectacular failure together.

The liveblog’s ready for you after the jump, incidentally. What are you waiting for?

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We may have mentioned this three or four billion times in the last three days, but when has that ever stopped us repeating ourselves?

Tomorrow evening at 8pm we’re going to be liveblogging the Eurovision Song Contest. Why? Because after taking a year off in 2008 we’ve apparently forgotten how utterly hellish it is to liveblog Eurovision. But that’s not the point – the point is that you should be here too. We’re just like Terry Wogan, you know. But only in the sense that we’re fat, red-faced and balding. We’re not as funny.

So will you join us? Oh say you will. The man to your right won’t be singing. That’s a good thing, by the way.

In each year's Eurovision Song Contest, there's always one bland-looking middle-aged man singing a hopelessly generic, instantly forgettable disco tune with '16th place' written all over it.

And this year it's us.

Andy Abraham, an X Factor runner-up from 2005, won Eurovision: Your Decision on Saturday night, which means he'll be representing us at the Eurovision Song Contest in May with his song Even If. And that would be fine, except that a) everyone involved in the show obviously wanted Michelle Gayle to win, and b) Andy Abraham's song is a big sack of donkey bollocks. Honestly, not a single homosexual blowjob joke. Who do these people think we are?

Britain has a proud tradition at the Eurovision Song Contest. Admittedly it's a tradition that involves sending a bunch of clueless twonks into mainland Europe armed only with an unimaginably terrible song and then muttering about political voting when they inevitably bottom out in front of an audience of hundreds of millions, but we never said it was a good tradition.

It's almost as if we don't know what music Europeans like any more, although that can't be the case. Play a Romanian a song about schoolgirls by a rapping pikey who looks like a murderer, or some sub-Steps dance twaddle about oral sex and they'll go crazy for it, right? What do you mean, no? 

Which brings us to Saturday's Eurovision: Your Decision. Back in the day it was called A Song For Europe. But back in the day it didn't try so hard to be a bad third-generation X Factor clone that you half expected Dannii Minogue to wander on halfway through and hypnotise everyone with her impossibly shiny face. Honestly, whoever invented Eurovision: Your Decision needs to be humanly put to sleep, because it just didn't make any sense.

This is how Eurovision: Your Decision worked: six acts all sang songs in three groups of head-to-head battles, and half were immediately eliminated by the annoying man from Torchwood – except for one who was retained as a wildcard – with the remaining acts voted for by the public for an hour to find the top two, allowing voting to be briefly suspended and then resumed for 10 minutes so the public could vote for a second time and pick a winner. Simple really.

Anyway, forget the ridiculous rules – what were the songs like? As if you need to be told. They included a Girls Aloud rip-off by two nondescript women who'll be in Nuts magazine by the end of the year when they've failed at everything else, the obligatory Eurovision Motowny song performed by three girls who couldn't hit a note if you tied it to a chair and gave them knuckle dusters, a pointless ballad by a winking creep who used to be on that Joseph show, a song by the Romanian girl from the Maria show that sounded like one of those Shakira songs that doesn't do well because it's not about her tits, Even If by Andy Abraham and Woo! You Make Me by Michelle Gayle.

Everyone wanted Michelle Gayle to win. Everyone. Her song was up-tempo, catchy, fun and – most importantly – only contained the words "Woo!", "Yeah!" and "Ow!" so it was like listening to Pete from Big Brother being beaten up by a gang of football hooligans. The expert judges, knowing that Michelle Gayle's song was the best of a bad bunch, were clearly desperate for her to represent the UK at Eurovision. But the expert judges didn't get the final say.

No. The public had the final say. The light entertainment Saturday evening public – a portion of the public who cheerily clap along to baby-rape if it happened on a shiny-floored studio, Dale Winton was presenting and they had a chance of winning a mid-range car. And the public didn't want Michelle Gayle to win. It wanted Andy Abraham to win.

Oh come on, Andy Abraham. Prawny Andy the sad binman who didn't win X Factor three years ago. You remember. No? Well someone must have, because he won Eurovision: Your Decision and it really can't have been because his song was good. Because it wasn't. Even If by Andy Abraham couldn't have been more uselessly generic if it rolled off a factory production line, and the closest it'll ever come do being big in Europe is if it gets played on one of those horrible Dover to Calais Dance To France disco ferry trips. Take a look for yourself. And don't be scared of Andy Abraham's man-nipples. Yes, they're the size of a grown man's fists, but they won't hurt you…

Watch Even If by Andy Abraham again. And again. And again. And again. Can you remember how it goes? Us neither. And if you can't remember it, then imagine how a poverty-stricken Latvian goat-farmer is going to fare during a three-hour Eurovision Song Contest full of other equally terrible tunes.

Maybe, and we know this is a crazy idea here, but maybe next year the BBC should do away with Eurovision: Your Decision and initiate some sort of Eurovision: Let's Leave The Decision Up To People Who Know What They're Doing For Once. Because, honestly, we don't even think that Andy Abraham is going to beat Ireland's abusive Eurovision turkey puppet come May. He couldn't even beat Shayne Ward, for God's sake. Shayne Ward!

Read more:

Eurovision 2008 - BBC