Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
?Eurovision, the sparkly Olympics?of the music world, was held in Sweden last Saturday, and as usual, there was only about 10% of it actually worth watching.
And it wasn’t so much about the cheesy techno songs as it was just one big game of ‘Who Can Come Up With The Strangest Gimmick’. Some went with giant disco balls, some went with lesbian kisses and Ukraine went with a 7-ft giant dressed as a viking.
Here we are then. We’re a collection of countries faced with an Engelbert Humperdinck song, designed to win us the Eurovision Song Contest against all those tactical voting swine who hated us since we invaded some oil-rich nations.
Not tanning oil, which Humperdinck is so clearly fond of.
And you’re probably willing us to stop stalling for time, and get on with playing you the damned record he’ll be performing while wearing a Union Jack tanga-brief under his expensive suit that inevitably reeks of Hai Karate. Click over the jump and you’ll hear it then.
Here it is, the moment literally nobody on Earth has been waiting for – the Eurovision Song Contest 2009.
This year, Eurovision is coming all the way from Moscow. We’re not, by the way. We’re sitting on a sofa in what appears to be a US military-approved stress position hammering away on a grossly underpowered laptop. But that’s beside the point. Can the UK win Eurovision this year? No. No we can’t. But join us back here at 8pm so we can all watch the spectacular failure together.
The liveblog’s ready for you after the jump, incidentally. What are you waiting for?
We may have mentioned this three or four billion times in the last three days, but when has that ever stopped us repeating ourselves?
Tomorrow evening at 8pm we’re going to be liveblogging the Eurovision Song Contest. Why? Because after taking a year off in 2008 we’ve apparently forgotten how utterly hellish it is to liveblog Eurovision. But that’s not the point – the point is that you should be here too. We’re just like Terry Wogan, you know. But only in the sense that we’re fat, red-faced and balding. We’re not as funny.
In each year's Eurovision Song Contest, there's always one bland-looking middle-aged man singing a hopelessly generic, instantly forgettable disco tune with '16th place' written all over it.
And this year it's us.
Andy Abraham, an X Factor runner-up from 2005, won Eurovision: Your Decision on Saturday night, which means he'll be representing us at the Eurovision Song Contest in May with his song Even If. And that would be fine, except that a) everyone involved in the show obviously wanted Michelle Gayle to win, and b) Andy Abraham's song is a big sack of donkey bollocks. Honestly, not a single homosexual blowjob joke. Who do these people think we are?
