Eurovision 2009 - HecklerSpray

Behold! The Hecklerspray Eurovision 2009 Liveblog!

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Here it is, the moment literally nobody on Earth has been waiting for – the Eurovision Song Contest 2009.

This year, Eurovision is coming all the way from Moscow. We’re not, by the way. We’re sitting on a sofa in what appears to be a US military-approved stress position hammering away on a grossly underpowered laptop. But that’s beside the point. Can the UK win Eurovision this year? No. No we can’t. But join us back here at 8pm so we can all watch the spectacular failure together.

The liveblog’s ready for you after the jump, incidentally. What are you waiting for?

Eurovision 2009: Jade Ewen, UK

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

So this is it. It’s been a while – a bit too much of a while, according to our weakened mindstate – but we’ve finally profiled all but one of the Eurovision entries this year.

That leaves us with just one to do – for some poxy little island called ‘the UK’ – before our great big Eurovision 2009 liveblog. Tomorrow evening, at 8pm, we’re going to be liveblogging the arse off the Eurovision Song Contest, either until it finishes or until we have a stress-related nosebleed. Don’t bet against the latter. Anyway, our point is this – be there.

So, finally, here is the Eurovision 2009 profile for Jade Ewen from the UK…

Eurovision 2009: Svetlana Loboda, Ukraine

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Eurovision 2009 is only two days away now. It’s exciting stuff, not least because it means all this is nearly finished. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

And, for the penultimate time, we’d like to remind you that we’re going to be covering the Eurovision Song Contest live right here, this Saturday at 8pm. And if you do one thing this weekend, make sure you read it and comment and stuff. It’s very important that you do, because otherwise we’ll cry. And nobody wants to see that.

But first, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Svetlana Loboda from the Ukraine…

Eurovision 2009: Hadise, Turkey

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Two big pieces of Eurovision news for you today. First, there was a Eurovision semi-final yesterday. Who was eliminated?

All sorts of crap, that’s who. And so who went through to the final? Again, all sorts of crap. This is Eurovision, you dimwit. Our second piece of news is much better – we’re liveblogging Eurovision on Saturday. Have we mentioned that already? Well tough, because we are. And you should probably read it on Saturday too. Because, let’s face it, you’ll have nothing better to do.

Here’s the Eurovision 2009 profile for Hadise, who’ll be representing Turkey…

Eurovision 2009: Sweden & Switzerland

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Have we mentioned that we’re liveblogging the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday? We are. Please come back then and validate us.

Only on Saturday, mind you. We’re not liveblogging any of those poncey Eurovision semi-finals. Especially not the one tonight, even though it could well be the last we’ll see of either of today’s participants. We refuse to liveblog that. You can watch it on TV if you like, just be aware that doing so makes you a gigantic nimrod if you do.

Here’s the Eurovision 2009 for Malena Ernman from Sweden and Lovebugs from Switzerland…

Eurovision 2009: Slovenia & Spain

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

This is it! This is actually it! This is actually Eurovision week. Finally. Finally.

You’ll be bored of these reminders by Saturday, but don’t forget that we’re liveblogging the Eurovision Song Contest this weekend, right here. We’re doing it because we love you. And you love us too, right? You love us enough to stay in and comment on the liveblog, right? Because lord knows that we’re pathetic enough for doing it in the first place. We don’t want to be doing it alone.

Here are the Eurovision 2009 profiles for Quartissimo and Martina Majerle from Slovenia and Soraya Arnelas from Spain…

Eurovision 2009: Serbia & Slovakia

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Before we get down to the profiles, we’ve got some real, actual Eurovision news for you.

We’re going to be liveblogging Eurovision again this year. Yes, we know we missed it last year, but thanks to a pioneering technological breakthrough – we bought a laptop – we’ll be spending the evening of Saturday May 16 giving you a second-by-second commentary on the Eurovision Song Contest. At least until we deliberately drink ourselves into unconsciousness, anyway. Be there. If you want.

That said, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Marko Kon and Milan Nikoli? from Serbia and Kamil Mikul??k and Nela Pociskov? from Slovakia…

Eurovision 2009: Romania & Russia

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

We’re going to start doubling up on these Eurovision profiles again. Not because we made a fundamental calculation error, but because we love you.

What’s the big Eurovision news of the day? Only that bloody rehearsals have started in Moscow. And from these we can tell you that the woman from the Ukraine is a dirty girl, that the girl from Albania is energetic and sexy and the man from Lithuania is a git. You’re welcome, readers.

Anyway, here are the Eurovision 2009 rundowns for Elena Gheorghe from Romania and Anastasiya Prykhodko from Russia…

Eurovision 2009: Flor-de-Lis, Portugal

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Eurovision 2009 is close. So close we can taste it. It tastes like blood. Oh, wait, no, that’s where we’ve tried to chew our own tongue off because we can’t stand Eurovision. Our mistake.

Anyway, want to know the Eurovision news for the day? It’s an unusual one – today’s Eurovision profile is a song that we don’t completely hate. In fact, we really wouldn’t mind if it won. In other news, we’re going to spend the rest of today scrubbing the shame from our bodies with our fingernails.

Here’s the Eurovision 2009 profile for Flor-De-Lis from Portugal…

Eurovision 2009: Lidia Kopania, Poland

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

11 days. That’s it. 11 days and it’s the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest. But don’t be sad, because we’ve still got an infuriatingly large amount of countries to get through before then.

And with such a short amount of time left until Eurovision, we’re sure you can imagine how busy it is over at Eurovision HQ! Why, just last week it was announced that Dita Von Teese might be performing with the Germans during their performance. Which is exciting, right? Right? Oh, why won’t anybody answer us?

Anyway, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Lidia Kopania from Poland…