Eurovision - HecklerSpray

Engelbert Humperdinck’s Eurovision Song – Listen With Your Ears (Russia To Win)

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Here we are then. We’re a collection of countries faced with an Engelbert Humperdinck song, designed to win us the Eurovision Song Contest against all those tactical voting swine who hated us since we invaded some oil-rich nations.

Not tanning oil, which Humperdinck is so clearly fond of.

And you’re probably willing us to stop stalling for time, and get on with playing you the damned record he’ll be performing while wearing a Union Jack tanga-brief under his expensive suit that inevitably reeks of Hai Karate. Click over the jump and you’ll hear it then.

Jedward To Front Channel 5’s Best Programme Ever!

February 17th, 2012 By Michael Park

We all know Britain’s premiere broadcaster Channel 5 is working its socks off to bring us the very best in televisual entertainment every single day, which is why you’ll be pleased to hear that they’ve come up with the perfect vehicle for John & Edward Grimes, more commonly known as the entity “Jedward”!

Lucky us!

The TV gurus at Channel 5 have given the plucky lads the opportunity to stamp their chirpy brand of brain-damaged humour all over the home video clip show.

Cheryl Cole Joins Twitter, World Implodes In Excitement

August 31st, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Everything changes and develops into condensed shiny version. Even social networking has evolved. In the beginning we had MySpace, a tool where any idiot could upload appalling songs in the vain hope of being snapped up by a label. Facebook pinched the audience of MySpace, simplifying the clumsiness of its predecessor before Twitter cut out the marketing spam and made everything feel more communal.

Twitter allows the entire world to know what you're doing in a continual burst of status updates. Refreshing as it is to know your mate is suffering from chronic diarrhoea, it’s the celebrities who are best value as sometimes, they totally fail to self-edit.

We think of it as friendly stalking from afar, eliminating the chances of you being caught furiously masturbating outside your favourite slebs house. And now, poor Cheryl Cole who has been out the spotlight for a while, has signed up to twitter which means we can find out exactly what she's thinking (follow her here).

Spice Girls Set For Humiliating Loss To Minnows At Eurovision 2012

August 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Clearly, the United Kingdom has learned no lessons from Eurovision. We won’t ever win because people ‘vote’ enough for us through the year, buying our many exported pop acts. Eurovision is a chance for these countries to show rightful contempt for us and, of course, celebrate their own.

Instead of playing a sob story like we endure on the likes of The X Factor and the like, we have started sending known acts in the misguided hope that they’ll pick up votes. Blue deservedly bombed thanks to being one of the most odious collections of men since Mugabe put a 5-a-side team together.

And next year, it looks like we’re set to send more pampered divs to the slaughterhouse as it appears that the Spice Girls will be going to Eurovision in 2012.

Lee Ryan Fined ?80 Over His Birthday Party Punch Up

July 27th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Proper news organisations have all sorts of grown up codes and practices. So imagine if they were having a slow news day and had to report on less important articles like Lee Ryan? We imagine that a piece about one of life?s biggest blips would go along the lines of saying; ?Lee Ryan, bad boy of pop band Blue has been living up to his reputation of causing chaos on a night out on the town.?

But here at the hecklerspray hole, we know that Lee Ryan has never had a credible reputation as a popstar or as a hard man. A yoghurt that's gone a day past its expiry date poses more of a threat.

However, our number one bruv has been in bother with the authorities before. A few years ago, he was fined ?500 after attacking a taxi driver following a crash in Surrey. Maybe our Lee’s given up on singing and is now imitating superheroes by getting involved in brawls, but not saving anyone. This particular epic struggle took place at his birthday party in June.

You Could Be Arrested For Taking Cheryl Cole’s Photograph Thanks To Superinjunction

June 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We haven’t seen much of Cheryl Cole since America decided that it really, really hated her voice. As such, Cole almost vanished from the planet, if you don’t count the endless speculative articles that surrounded her for months.

And we could well be seeing a lot less of her as she’s been granted an superinjunction (please note, it is more of an ‘injunction’, but ‘superinjunction’ is a buzz word used to describe pretty much anything these days) which means that anyone who takes her picture without permission could end up having their collar felt by the long, stinky arm of the law.

Basically, this court order has been issued against “XYZ and others”. This means that anyone who has photographed her ‘at her home and in the street during 2011’, will be breaking the law. That means you excitable Cheryl fans could get arrested for snapping her. So what can we all do to get around it? Photoshopping images is the key!

Cheryl Cole Hates America And Simon Cowell But Loves Girls Aloud

June 13th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We live in a world that is dominated by girl groups… and it really is fantastic. Rock is pretty much dead in the water, filled with bloated, self-worthy fellas with guitars peddling pedestrian, plodding pish. The girls meanwhile are making fun, Friday night records. Apart from Adele.

And now that Cheryl Cole has been ‘freed’ from the shackles of television and Simon Cowell, she’s now able to rejoin Girls Aloud to once more make quirky, witty pop. Which is a relief.

She’s looking forward to it too, saying that she’s “glad” not to be a part of The X Factor circus anymore. And with a GA comeback afoot, she can drum up some publicity by taking needless swipes at everyone. Aaaah, it feels good to write this hackneyed old crap again.

Simon Cowell Is As Good As A Dead Man To Cheryl Cole

June 8th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

One of the odd things that surrounds Cheryl Cole, is people’s propensity to note that she was working class. It is supposed to be a negative that she’s a chav who got lucky – like that’s a bad thing. It is unfortunate then, that she’s now indulging in a playgroup scrap with Simon Cowell, indeed reminiscent of a scally spitting at a dinner lady.

Apparently, the friendship they had is now over and dead. Which isn’t so good for her television career, which we know you all enjoyed.

So what’s the beef? Well, the Girls Alouder (do they still exist or are they simply in pop-limbo?) isn’t particularly chuffed that Cowell decided to talk to the press about her axe from X Factor USA, which saw the mogul saying that Chezza was ‘nervous’ and ‘uncomfortable’ on the show.

Paula Abdul Hates Cheryl Cole And Her Clothes

June 1st, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Here at hecklerspray, there are just two things guaranteed to make us deliriously giddy. One is watching the munchkin scene from The Wizard of Oz, where they’re all dead happy and singing about death, making us truly believe that all tiny people singing people are filled with love for each other. ?The other is Justin Bieber walking into a glass door (no need to explain why).

So when we heard that two tiny borebag pop stars, Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul were not BFF on the X Factor, it almost destroyed us.

We can still hear Matthew Laidlow crying at night when he thinks everyone in the squalid ‘spray residence is asleep.

Simon Cowell Is Sorry About Cheryl Cole, But Still Refuses To Fasten More Buttons On His Shirt

May 31st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Simon Cowell is pulling a sad face at the moment. Well, he’s trying to. The front bit of his head seems strangely immovable these days doesn’t it? It’s like a taut sausage, waiting to be popped with a fork. This is not a call to stab Cowell in the face should you see him.

Where were we? Oh yes, Simon is all sad. That’s because he’s had to watch his chum Cheryl Cole getting dumped by people more powerful than him, making the whole thing doubly wounding.

Since getting the chop from X Factor USA, Cheryl Cole has gone into hiding, ignoring everyone’s calls and texts (especially those sent by us, but then again, she’s been ignoring them since Girls Aloud liked each other), leaving Cowell to break the silence on the whole thing.