The Adventures Of Willy The Wizard No 1: Livid Land is a wonderful book wherein the protagonist possibly vanquishes evil by rubbing it incessantly with his magical buttock.

Since Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire basically has the exact same plot, sentence structure, verb-to-noun ratio and pie graphs, the heirs of the Willy Wizard estate have recognised it as unapologetic plagiarism. As such they are now suing JK Rowling either until she agrees to show them the exact location of Hogwarts, and to allow Willy Wizard a full seven-book scholarship there, or for 813 million dollars.

We honestly don’t remember which.

When JK Rowling first decided to write Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire for the sole purpose of furthering her unholy satanic agenda, she probably had no idea why her dark lord, as he spoke from the belly of a freshly slain cat, demanded she do so by plagiarising a boring author that nobody ever heard of and would likely never read.

But that’s just what she did. Allegedly. Well of course you know she probably didn’t do it, but that’s what two descendants of Adrian Jacobs are claiming. They are bound and determined to squeeze Rowling for £500 million in a British court of law. Either that or they’re bound and determined to get their dead dad a butt-load of publicity with a lawsuit like this.

Here’s what it says on All Headline News:

“Legal papers filed by Jacobs’ estate list similarities between the books, including “shared references” to a wizard train and prison and a magical contest where the boy wizard must rescue human hostages taken captive by half-human creatures. In addition to £500 million [$813 million] in damages, the estate is seeking an injunction to prevent further sales of the offending book, or a share in the tome’s profits”

If that’s not enough for you – here’s what a Willy Wizard fan wrote about the book on Amazon.co.uk:

“This book is great for kids, it very much appears to resemble Harry Potter. I love this book, ive grown up with it and it has been signed by the author Adrian Jacobs. i really do recommend this book to every child. it is very hard to get a hold of and is extremely rare. Its about Willy the Wizard who goes to wizard college on a train and adventures begin to happen, you will really have to read this book yourself its great!!”

If this lawsuit works and the Willy Wizard people end up with part-ownership in all of Rowling’s bank accounts, let us simply state we once wrote a book called ‘The Wizard’s Willy.’ It was about a magician who died but most of his genitalia lived on for another 100 years helping those in need. We haven’t actually read Willy Wizard, but the title alone definitely borrows heavily from our little-read masterpiece.

We’re just saying that we’re probably owed a little something too. British courts – save us a seat.

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Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don’t – Donald and Ivana Trump have got class.

We’re just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren’t classy at all – they’re essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don’t like anything unless it’s covered in repulsive amounts of gold – but they still like each other, and that was our original point.

How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump’s estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump’s sister. There’s a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he’s wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that’s probably untrue because – christ – imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.

If you’ve seen Donald Trump’s The Apprentice lately, then… no, let’s start again. Nobody has seen Donald Trump’s The Apprentice lately.

Anyway, Donald Trump is a man known for his cutthroat business attitudes, his merciless self-promotion and his haircut that looks like a monkey’s buttock combover. His love for other human beings, however, isn’t exactly high on the list.

But oddly, Donald Trump still seems to have a small amount of affection for his ex-wife Ivana Trump. And quite right too – Donald and Ivana shared 13 years of such narcissistic marriage that they called the children they had together Donald, Ivanka and, um, Eric. It’s grisly, but it sounds like it worked.

It must have done, because Ivana Trump married her fourth husband on Saturday, and Donald Trump’s presence was felt so strongly that they may as well have balanced comedy ginger wigs on all the wedding balloons too, as People reports:

Ivana Maria Trump married Rossano Rubicondi Saturday before 500 friends and family members at Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach estate of her ex, Donald Trump… The ceremony was conducted by Judge Maryanne Trump Barry, The Donald’s sister, and was attended by the man himself… Guests, including actor George Hamilton and Kathy and Rick Hilton, will dine in the gold and white Grand Ballroom amid thousands of flowers, the same room where Donald and Melania Trump hosted their wedding dinner three years ago.

So, just to recap – Ivana Trump’s wedding took place at Donald Trump’s estate, in front of Donald Trump, with Donald Trump’s sister acting as the vicar, with the reception held in the exact same room as Donald Trump’s last marriage. Nope, nothing creepy about that at all, then.

Ivana Trump’s new husband Rossano Rubicondi deserves some sort of prize for putting up with all this, don’t you think? After all, nothing can be quite as emasculating as getting married in a wedding that’s been heavily influenced by your wife’s billionaire ex-husband.

Not only that, but Rossano must be having his doubts about his own attractiveness as well. After all, Donald Trump is clearly Ivana Trump’s type, so Rossano must know that on some level he shares some characteristics with Donald Trump, and that’s a hard piece of fact to live with. Someone give the poor man a medal.

Read more:

Ivana Trump Marries for the Fourth Time - People

Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielynn Hope has endured a tragic first year that involved two close family deaths and a messy, drawn-out paternity case.

But none of that matters any more, because Dannielynn is rich! Rich beyond her wildest dreams! Woo hoo!

Dannielynn has just been officially made the sole beneficiary to Anna Nicole Smith's estate. That means that Dannielynn gets to inherit everything that Anna Nicole Smith owned – all her cash, all the potential inheritance from Anna Nicole Smith's marriage to J Howard Marshall, that box of nightmarish clown make-up, the genetic lack of self-esteem – everything.

Of all the things that Anna Nicole Smith left the world after her death, with the possible exception of that video of her absent-mindedly playing with her tits in the bath, none have been precious than her daughter Dannielynn Hope. And we mean 'precious' in the Lord Of The Rings sense, too, because ever since Anna Nicole Smith died people have been squabbling over her like a gaggle of greedy Gollums.

You see, Dannielynn might one day be worth hundreds of millions of dollars if the ongoing battle for Anna Nicole Smith's share of her inheritance from her 14-month marriage to nearly-dead oil billionaire J Howard Marshall ever goes her way. And that meant that people were fighting over Dannielynn before Anna Nicole Smith was even cold.

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer Howard K Stern said he was the father, some creepy ancient German prince said he was the father, Anna Nicole Smith's trainer said he could have been the father and, let's face it, any man on Earth with a semi-functional penis stood a decent chance of fathering Dannielynn too. But eventually Larry Birkhead was officially named as Dannielynn's father – although that doesn't mean he can swan around spending all her money.

That's because Howard K Stern has rushed through a petition to declare Dannielynn the sole beneficiary of everything Anna Nicole Smith owned, as E! Online reports:

Larry Birkhead's 18-month-old daughter with Anna Nicole Smith was declared the sole beneficiary to the late model's estate Tuesday, after a Los Angeles judge approved Howard K. Stern's petition to clarify his departed paramour's earthly intentions. "We and Mr. Stern always believed that Anna Nicole never intended to disinherit her daughter," Stern's attorney, Bruce S. Ross, said after court Tuesday. "I'm pleased to say this chapter in the saga is closed." L.A. Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff's ruling also establishes a trust on Dannielynn's behalf, with her father and Stern serving as cotrustees.

This news, while hardly surprising, does mean that Dannielynn will have to want for nothing as she grows up. Although Anna Nicole Smith's assets were only valued at $710,000, the J Howard Marshall money will increase that amount exponentially, plus the money from Dannielynn's magazine photoshoots last year will also contribute to the fund.

And, let's not forget that if Dannielynn ever finds that alleged video of Larry Birkhead and Howard K Stern sucking each other off, she can blackmail both of them for everything they've got as well. Either way it's a result.

Read more:

Dannielynn Named Anna Nicole's Sole Heir - E! Online 

We know. You thought that all this kerfuffle about Britney Spears would die down now that has to spend the next fortnight locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

Chance'd be a fine thing. No, instead focus has shifted away from Britney Spears' well-being to all of Britney Spears' stuff. Yesterday in court effectively saw a fight between Britney and her Dad about whether or not he should be her conservator while she's banged up in the nuthouse. Turns out he can.

So now Jamie Spears is in charge of Britney's estate and finances, plus he'll also be legally obliged to shave his hair off, drink 20 Red Bulls a day and have his vagina on full display whenever he gets out of a car. Hey, we don't make the rules.

As shocking as it is to hear that Britney Spears is so gravely disabled that doctors have decided to keep her locked up in a padded room for a fortnight, perhaps it's the best thing for her. It'll be the first fortnight for a year where the paparazzi hasn't shadowed her every move, she won't have to keep turning up to court only to be told that she can't see her children and her only responsibility is to cover her ears at night to block the tortured screams of the other psychiatric patients. Britney can just take it easy and claw back some of her life for her own.

Alternatively, Britney could oppose everything that she's asked to do and start a ludicrously bitter public legal feud with her own father for trying to take care of her estate while she's incapacitated. But, no, let's credit Britney Spears with some intelligence. Only an idiot would do something like tha… wait, that's exactly what Britney Spears has done, isn't it? Arses. E! Online reports:

Court Commissioner Reva Goetz tapped Jamie Spears and Andrew Wallett as interim guardians of the 26-year-old's welfare after deeming her incapable of caring for herself at this time… An attorney named Adam Streisand appeared before Goetz on Monday and claimed he was retained by Spears over the weekend. She "expressed to me her very strong desire" that her father not be named conservator of her estate, said Streisand. "There has been an estrangement for quite some time. With him as conservator, that is causing her more agitation and more distress."

However, since she's now legally Gravely Disabled and therefore can't even be trusted to feed or dress herself, Britney Spears was never going to get very far trying to make complicated legal appeals, allowing Jamie Spears to keep control of all things Britney until at least February 14.

And, really, we can't see what Britney's problem is – surely of all the people in the world, her own father will have less of an agenda than anyone else who wants to control her $40 million estate. Agreed, he might tinker with the decision-making process a little now he's in charge, but that's to be expected. And he might use some of Britney's money to fund his dream of becoming a gangsta rapper, but there's nothing wrong with that. And he might digitally alter all of Britney Spears' songs so it just sounds like she's yelping "I love you Daddy" over and over again in a creepy child's voice, but… oh you get the idea.

Read more:

Britney Unable to Fight Daddy Day Care – E! Online