You really think you have the energy to hear this? Sure about that, are we? Let’s just take this slow, just in case. Let’s not get lodged inside something dark and unyielding and then regret it afterwards (Extract from Antony Costa’s Bedroom Memoirs, 2008) So. Katie Price has written another book.

You should know the drill by now, because of that time you accidently walked into a Newsagents and bought Heat Magazine regularly for two years. Just in case you don’t – here’s the situation we’re facing. After having had some sex with Dane Bowers, Peter Andre, Katie Waissel, and most recently a hired homosexual gentleman – Katie Price’s career as a businesswoman was for some reason being somewhat overlooked. It was then that Katie discovered her greatest talent – ringing someone up and asking them to write a book for her. A great author was born (but that’s not relevant).

Today saw the launch of Katie’s latest literary delight in the shape of ‘The Comeback Girl’. A story about something, or other. Pssh. Bloody pretentious Pulitzer fodder, if you ask us.

On top of all this, during the event at the 02 Academy in Leeds, Katie decided to give the world yet ANOTHER blessing, by staging a world record attempt to sign as many books as possible in eight hours, like her hero – chess extraordinaire and all round DD+ glamour-puss Anatoly Karpov. Unfortunately, we can reveal that Katie’s attempt was unsuccessful. The bright side is that we we can all focus on the content of the novel now, which is clearly what Katie wanted all along.

Besides, as Yazz once concluded – The Only Way is Up. Based on this logic, and this logic alone – we forecast bright things in the future for Katie. Oh wait, The Only Way is Essex now, isn’t it? Never mind. Katie’s talents will shine through regardless. And if you are unlucky enough to not possess the shining beacon of optimism that we uphold every single day, then take a look at some of these quotes from an interview in today’s Sun about Katie’s next chosen career path instead:

“I’d love to be a detective. I’m obsessed with Harold Shipman, Dennis Nilsen, Ted Bundy and Rose and Fred West, I’ve read about them in detail – really sick, true crime.”

“I’d like to go to a murder scene and try to work out what’s happened. I actually looked into how to be a detective once, but you have to join the police first.”

“Last night I stayed up late watching 24 Hours In A&E. I suppose it all makes me feel better about my own life.”

“For now, I’ll make do with making a TV series interviewing Britain’s worst criminals.”

Goodnight, and god bless.

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If you’ve ever travelled to America, you’ll notice a substantial amount of differences between itself and the UK.

For example, America has countless fast food joints on every corner whilst in the UK we have endless tea rooms where hungry folk can feast upon scones, chocolate eclairs and the finest English cup of imported Indian tea. There’s also the weather, healthcare issues and America’s persistence of being the only nation in the world to really care about basketball, baseball and ice hockey.

There’s also the grand scale of parties the two nations throw. On the west coast of America, countless film premieres are thrown to celebrate the launch of box office hits. On the east coast, playerz like Jay-Z and P Diddy launch countless products including aftershave, clothing and toilet neutraliser. In the UK, the best we can muster is a rented room in the local church. Part time lesbian Lindsay Lohan got to experience this first hand when she arrived at Faces nightclub in Essex.

Going out in Essex is an experience like no other. Why Lindsay Lohan and supposed ladylove Samantha Ronson were in this part of the world is still unclear. Even if they had rolled out of their hotel room with no sleep after flying over from America, the two would still have looked better the majority of the Essex massive out there.

It’s a genuine fact that there are no white women in Essex. Instead, what you are presented with are zombie-like creatures with horrendous orange skin. Just look at Jodie Marsh and Jordan to see what we mean. Armed with ten-inch-high stilettos and size six clothing to fit on to their size twelve body, they don’t quite put the sex in Essex.

So the owners of Essex’s own Faces nightclub must have thought they’d be on to a winner by hiring famous DJ type person Sam Ronson to play some CDs for a couple of hours. Obviously, the management thought Samantha Ronson was going to turn in to a modern day Pied Piper and use her best scratching skills to get more famous people on to the sticky dance floor. A source revealed:

“The club had hoped the girls would pull in a few big showbiz names – Kimberly Stewart and Jude Law have been there before.”

Surely they’d be queues round the corner as legions of girls ripped each other’s fake extensions out in order to get in the club and dance awkwardly to cheesy R&B music and say hello to Kimberly and Jude. Sadly not, instead of seeing someone who’s famous because of her father and a failing actor, they instead got bottom of the barrel showbiz types.

Definitely not riding off success from many moons ago, clubbers were instead treated to Brian Belo, Charley Uchea, Nikki Grahame and Danielle Lloyd. Yup, Big Brother rejects, a woman who stirred up an international racism crisis and a winner were all present to try and claw some sort of dignity together.

Unsurprisingly this wasn’t the sort of crowd that Lohan and Ronson imagined. If it wasn’t a pain in the arse already with Big Brother types hassling you, then it would have been the pissed people in the club. Cries of “oh my God its Mark Ronson’s sister” and “will you sign my boob” would have made it difficult for any of them to knock back a pint of bitter due to the distraction.

Hmm, hanging out with some reality show rejects or shouting abuse at strangers with the local homeless people. We’ll go for the homeless – they’d probably be better at stringing a sentence together.