Esquire - HecklerSpray

Matt Lauer Still Doesn’t Get Why Everyone Hates Him

September 12th, 2013 By Megan Leitch

There seems to be a direct correlation between Matt Lauer’s receding hair line and his likeability. ?

Have you ever noticed that villains tend to be follicle-y challenged , the television at 3 am always has infomercials on hair out of a can, and celebrities like John Travolta wear ridiculous toupees most of the time? ?This leads to the conclusion that America must hate bald guys. It’s losing in the genetic lottery that is to blame for Matt’s downfall!

Or, more likely, as Lauer gets older he just becomes more of a dick and the public sees it.

Brad Pitt: Probably the Most Handsome Boring Person Alive

May 23rd, 2013 By Chris Chambers

The whole Angie-versus-Jen debate is tired to say the least, but the man behind the fantasy cat fight, Mr. Brad Pitt himself, has thrust it back in our faces with comments he made in a new interview in Esquire Magazine.

In the interview, Brad suggests that he was a great big pothead around the time of his marriage to Jennifer Aniston. He began feeling “burnt out,” the poor thing,?and then his life was transformed by?”an epiphany ? a decision not to squander?[his] opportunities” … by which he clearly means his opportunities to nail Angelina Jolie.

We all know the story: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, yada yada, and here they are a hundred kids later. Keep in mind, Angie was still pretty dirty at that time. Freshly divorced from Billy Bob, only one?kid,?and not yet the savior of all the world’s people. Friends was still a primetime network hit and Jennifer/Rachel was the world’s sexy/perky darling with the hair-style that launched a thousand ships.

Drowning in T&A, Hugh Hefner Just Wants Some Applesauce

March 28th, 2013 By Chris Chambers

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner likes tits, old movies, and BLT’s … though not necessarily in that order. He’s?very, very?old and?and has nailed lots of women. These are a few of the spellbinding insights revealed in?a feature?article on Hef in Esquire’s April issue.

Hef estimates that he has slept with “over a thousand” ladies in his lifetime, which is impressive to say the least (unless, of course, you compare it to Wilt Chamberlain’s crotch-numbing 20,000). In the Esquire interview, Hugh claims that he was faithful during his marriages, but made up for lost time when he was single.

Sean Penn Has Never Been Truly Loved by Anyone

December 16th, 2012 By Chris Chambers

Sean Penn is one intense dude. He’s an amazing actor … sort of scary and also incredibly?awesome. In the January issue of Esquire, he candidly discusses love, his son’s life-threatening accident,?his mission in Haiti … and how the three are linked.

For better or worse, Sean is an original. He’s not a pretty boy and he doesn’t seem to have a light-hearted bone in his body. He’s been nominated for five Best Actor Academy Awards and won twice. He was Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. He allegedly hit Madonna over the head with a baseball bat. He married Buttercup. And he’s basically the patron saint of Haiti.

This Just In: Christina Hendricks Is Quite Pretty

April 20th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Until now, Christina Hendricks has been suffering – slaving away on a show that barely anyone watches.

She’s been ignored by the masses. But not any more. Although she’s been noticed by every single viewer of Mad Men – which, despite all its critical acclaim, still amounts to three middle-aged men and a barely-interested dog – now Christina Hendricks is ready to hit the big league. And by ‘big league’ we mean ‘the league where millions of 14-year-old boys masturbate relentlessly to magazine photographs of her in a pair of pants and half a gallon of warmed-up goose fat’.

That’s right, Esquire has just named Christina Hendricks as America’s best looking woman. Read that again. She’s only America’s best looking woman. You see, Christina Hendricks may have flame-red hair, a perfect body and a constant sultry expression on her face, but she’s no match for Britain’s Pat Butcher. That’s right, we said it.

Hey Everyone, Clint Eastwood Thinks You’re A Pussy

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

At the last count Clint Eastwood was roughly 6,000 years old – and yet he can still beat you in a fight, you pathetic pussy.

Yeah, that’s right. Clint Eastwood thinks you’re a pussy. You know that time you had an argument with your neighbour and decided to back off instead of attacking him with the back of a shovel? Clint Eastwood knows about that, and he thinks you’re a pussy for it. You pussy.

Clint Eastwood has given perhaps the best interview of all time to Esquire, and it’s all about how much of a pussy you are. No joke.

Halle Berry Is Sexy; Also, Pope Possibly Catholic Now

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

That Halle Berry, eh? She’s a funny looking woman – we once saw a picture of Halle Berry in a magazine and we went right off our tea.

And yet, despite obviously looking like a sort of cross between the back end of a bus and a bulldog’s floppy genitals, Esquire magazine has decided to name Halle Berry as its Sexiest Woman Alive. Which is just weird because, you know, Halle Berry. Bleurgh. No, wait, we got mixed up – we were thinking of former EastEnders and Heartbeat star Nick Berry. He’s not actually very sexy at all. But Halle Berry is actually sort of pretty.

Anyway, we could be wrong, but in the accompanying interview it seems like Halle Berry equates sexiness with masturbating a lot. There’s hope for us yet!

Finally! George Clooney Reveals Why He Didn’t Beat Up Fabio

March 31st, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

For as much as the world justifiably makes fun of Fabio, not many would perhaps make as much fun to his face.

Two feet behind him sniggering and pointing? Yes. While watching his fake butter commercials from the comfort and safety of our living room? Naturally. But not to his face, because he’s actually a pretty big dude, and if you get beaten up by Fabio you may as well just fasten a plastic bag over your face right tight because you only have a lifetime of crippling humiliation to look forward to.

According to an interview in April’s edition of Esquire magazine, actor George Clooney had somewhat of a similar realisation when he had a nasty encounter with Fabio in a restaurant. Well, it's about figgin' time he spoke up about an incident that was barely an incident and everyone had forgotten about. Yeesh!