It would appear that Katie Holmes didn’t manage to run away from Tom Cruise as fast as we would have hoped for the poor girl.

She did manage to escape to the other side of the US ‘to be in a Broadway show’, as the official story put it – we know that was just a cover, and we urged Katie to run for her Creeking life. But it would seem her cover of ‘I have a job over there’ didn’t hold water with hubby Tom Cruise, and the fat bald one from Tropic Thunder has re-stamped his authority on Katie Holmes.

We tried to save her, we really did, but for some people there’s just no way around it. She’s consigned herself to a lifetime of being lead around by a dwarf, as she allowed the Cruiser to fly all the way across the country just to walk her to work.

Why didn’t you run, Katie? Why?

Aside from the initial escape to New York City, Holmes got all of our hopes up by not turning up at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s 39th Anniversary Gala in a move of what looked to be defiance. This turned out to be a letdown, as she then went on to walk arm in arm with Cruise at the premiere of Tropic Thunder, thus quashing our hopes that she was hiding from the tiny Sleeper-Scientology man.

Maybe she still is – maybe she sent a robot out to pose with him. It’s not like she needs it to look as if it has life behind those robo-eyes now, is it? Katie Holmes doesn’t exactly forge herself a career of public appearances looking happy and alive – more fearful and machine-like. In fact, we’ve just figured it out, right this very second: she’s a robot! We, hecklerspray, are excellent detectives.

But the plan seems to have backfired, and the Katiebot was such a perfect copy that Tom Cruise now feels the need to follow it all over the country, thus putting the real Katie Holmes‘ hiding place in jeopardy. You should have run away when we told you to – really, you should.

While walking robo-Katie to ‘work’, as she called it, Cruise was apparently accosted by some builders. While the official story is that they tried to ask for autographs, we find that hard to believe. Nevertheless, OK! magazine reported:

“Some construction workers asked for a picture, but Tom politely said, ‘Sorry guys, I can’t stop. I’m walking my wife to work. She’s got rehearsals to get to.’”

Rehearsals – or a recharge point?!

Maybe we have stretched the analogy/accusation a little bit too far now, but the fact remains that Katie Holmes – robot or no – failed to escape from Tom Cruise properly. She had the chance to leg it and she failed, allowing Tom to take a late night flight across the country to walk her to work/make sure she isn’t walking around wearing a sandwich board that says ‘Scientology Is For Tiny Idiots’.

She’s losing the game, frankly.

Run, Katie Holmes! Run as if Dawson’s massive forehead were behind you! You’re so close to freedom!

For the first time in what seems like an ice age, Katie has escaped the clutches of everybody’s favourite evil Nazi, Tom Cruise. Scampering away to New York City with daughter Suri in tow, Holmes was free to roam as she saw fit, without the watchful eye of the Cruiser looking over her shoulder.

The official story behind her visit to NYC is that Katie Holmes is about to star in the Broadway production of Arthur Miller‘s All My Sons – but we know better. It’s an escape ploy from Katie – she’s clearly running back to the Creek: the one place she can feel truly safe from Maverick and his Scientology cronies.

Katie’s plan to flee from her Cruise-shaped captor had seen only two distinct steps: first she got the role in the aforementioned play, then she landed herself a cameo in some TV show that no one knows anything about.

By disguising herself to look like some kind of pixie-boy and finally escaping via helicopter to New York, Katie has enacted steps three and four of the epic plan of escape – sure to leave even someone with the keen magical senses of Tom Cruise (though he still can’t keep pizzas warm – the berk!) befuddled as to where she could have gone.

Though, to be fair, he will know where she is, as she’ll have set times to appear on stage. Hmm. Should have thought this through more carefully, Katie. And that’s not even taking into account the legions of Scientology spies that exist through the world – we all saw the Panorama documentary on it, we all know they exist.

But in what could well be the ultimate show of defiance in the face of her husband and his thetan chums, Katie decided against attending The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre 39th Anniversary Gala – surely a massive slap in the face of the religion? And to make matters worse, what did she do instead of attending the annual shebang?

Katie Holmes took her daughter to see The Little Mermaid and Mary Poppins. That’s some textbook defiance right there.

Unfortunately it does look like Katie isn’t actually trying to escape any clutches – evil or otherwise – and is instead simply in another part of America to her husband. While we do like to both wildly speculate whilst at the same time encourage the poor girl to leg it as fast as she can, we can’t provide any actual facts backing up the claims that she is, in fact, doing a runner.

And, of course, you can prove anything with facts (copyright Stewart Lee).

We can, however, continue to encourage Katie Holmes to escape the clammy embrace of Tom Cruise and Scientology for her own good. Maybe then she’d get some life back into her eyes.

You know – those things on her face that look so, so dead.