Steve McClaren Adopts a Flawless Dutch Accent Football: technically a funny old game. Made more so with ex-England football team manager Steve McClaren, in his new role at Dutch side FC Twente. The man with a head that is home to a hair island and a face that wears a frighteningly creepy smile at all times has been spotted in the wild at his new job in the Netherlands, attempting to talk to the press. Now, far be it from us to mock the man, but, well - we had enough ammo to go on before this, and now he's just gone and set us up for life. He'll never have to behave like a twit again, he'll never have to do an awful job as England manager then blame it on everyone/thing else and he'll never have to talk utter, utter tripe ever again. Because this clip says everything about Steve McClaren you would ever want it to. The man is clearly deranged - there cannot be any other explanation for his decision to adopt such a stunning 'Dutch' accent. He actually sounds like your dad on holiday, trying to talk to a waiter who can only manage broken English.

Wayne Rooney Chosen to Give Bread a New Scummy Image If there’s proof that footballers will sell themselves out for any sort of product, we’ve found it. Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various brothels up and down the country have to offer, he's instead going to try and concentrate on tucking into a portion of bread. We mean with his teeth. Not his winky. You perverts.

Morrissey Carps On About Immigration Again, The Big Numpty

If Morrissey ever gave up music, he could easily forge a second career as the sort of Telegraph-reading, wobbly-jowled splutterer who sits in the Question Time audience all night just so he can make one disparaging remark about the Polish.

Because, 17 years after he almost fatally wounded his career by jigging about in front of several National Front members wrapped in a Union Jack, Morrissey seems to be at it again. Apparently Morrissey has used an NME interview to tell the world how much he hates immigrants and how "England is a memory now." Quite why Morrissey would want to stir up such a political hornet's nest in the first place is beyond us, although we suspect that Morrissey is simply playing the shock anti-immigration card to promote his pensioner-targeted new album Is It Me Or Are Policemen Getting Younger? and its lead single I'll Put A Bloody Knife Through That Ball If It Comes Over My Fence Again.