Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me: A Bieber who got married! That’s right, bitches! I may have been slack on my blogging these past few months, but the HecklerSpray countdown to Christmas advent is BACK! And we are ringing it in by celebrating some of the quickie engagements this year that turned into quickie marriages.
While Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson might not have made it down the aisle, Justin Bieber and Nick Jonas did! In fact, Nick Jonas got married TODAY!
Gay men across the globe will spend an eternity remembering summer 2018 as a great tragedy because both Justin Bieber AND Nick Jonas got engaged. While Justin got engaged to barely attractive, barely legal, and barely famous Hailey Baldwin, Nick got engaged to elegant stunner Priyanka Chopra.
Nick took his mom and dad to India this weekend to meet Priyanka’s family and do some traditional Indian engagement stuff that looks way more intense than my engagement dinner (I just got drunk and ate salmon. It was lit tho).
Apparently this is the summer of celebrities getting engaged after five minutes of dating. First, Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, then Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin, and now Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra.
Nick and Priyanka have been dating since May, and I guess Nick got the memo that if you’re a male star in your twenties and have had a girlfriend for four weeks or more you need to propose, because he asked Meghan Markle’s BFF to join the Jonas clan officially.
I go out of town for two seconds, and everything goes insane! Apparently this is the summer of young celebrity couples getting engaged after 30 seconds of dating. First Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande, now Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin.
No, you’re not having a mild stroke, you read that correctly: Justin Bieber, an attractive young man who desperately wants to look like one of my greasy old uncles and is ALWAYS wearing my grandma’s slippers lately, has allegedly gotten engaged to Hailey Baldwin, the human equivalent of canned spaghetti (I mean, it’s fine, but it’s not great. Nothing special, v v underwhelming if you want actual spaghetti).
Last week, it was revealed that Pete Davidson got not one, but TWO tattoos dedicated to his girlfriend to two weeks, Ariana Grande, including her initials on his thumb.
I automatically thought “Man, these two dumb fucks are going to be engaged by the end of the month, probably elope by the end of the summer, and have that shit annulled by Christmas.” Well, apparently my mental celebrity dream board is coming true, because these two fucktards are apparently engaged.
Even though she currently looks like a troll doll in a stolen Sia wig covered in prison tattoos who raided Punky Brewster’s wardrobe and slut cut it, Miley Cyrus still somehow manages to haul in hot babe after hot babe. She even got one of those hot AF Hemsworth brothers to propose to her back in 2012 before they broke up in late 2013.
Since New Years, Miley and Liam have been spotted numerous times together; she actually spent New Year’s Eve down in Australia with his ridiculously good looking family, and shortly after that Miley was spotted wearing the engagement ring Liam gave her in 2012 on THAT finger! *gasp*
Yas Queen! Yasssss! She did it, people, she did it! Blac Chyna will soon be known as Blak Khyna Kardashian because Rob Kardashian put a ring on it! Chyna, Rob, and Chyna’s bff Amber Rose all took to Instagram (of course) to confirm the engagement, so let us all bow down to our Patron Saint of Petty! Blac Chyna, you are my fucking queen.
So, just so you have it straight: Rob Kardashian is now set to be Kylie Jenner’s boyfriend’s son’s stepfather. I don’t know if this is real life, or if the Kris Jenner just orchestrated the best fucking season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
If you ever have a really important secret that you don’t want the world finding out, like that you have herpes or you think Khloe Kardashian is the prettiest Kardashian sister, then I strongly suggest you do not tell T-Pain, because that auto-tuned motherfucker does not know how to keep his mouth shut. In a recent radio interview T-Pain was asked about working with FKA Twigs and he dropped the bombshell that she was busy touring and being engaged to Robert Pattinson.
Once he realized he’d not only put his foot in his mouth, but his whole body from the waist down, he tried to play the whole thing off like it was an April Fool’s joke, but it was too late. Every Twi-hard from here to Ohio to Cairo (I assume there are Twi-hards everywhere) were officially crying tears of rage and betrayal into homemade “ROBSTEN FOREVER” T-Shirts.
Did you happen to notice an influx of women in plastic rimmed glasses throwing themselves pathetically on the street yesterday in their geek t-shirts, sobbing uncontrollably while screaming, “NO!!!!!!”? If you did, then you may already know that Benedict Cumberbatch, Lord of the Otter People and So Ugly He’s Hot King, has announced his engagement to his girlfriend.
I won’t lie, I too am a member of the Cumberbitches group, so my heart feels a bit shattered today also.? And incase getting engaged wasn’t hard enough on us, Benedict managed to do it in such an amazing way that just makes us all love his stupidly long face even more.
Don’t panic if you hear a sudden rumble of hooves and trumpets , it’s probably just the four horsemen of the apocalypse summoned by George Clooney’s sudden engagement.?
It’s funny that his engagement is going to cause our imminent death, because it’s probably the reminder of his own mortality that forced him into popping the question in the first place. Gorgeous George has taken a sharp left off Bachelor Avenue just before it merged into Lonely, Bitter Old Man Highway.
