Hurray! Another utterly pointless awards ceremony is rolling into our collective consciousness to make us take sides between things that can actually be enjoyed simultaneously!

Of course, the real winners in all of this are America’s coke-dealers and the Emmy Awards is timed perfectly so that the dope pushers will have a really bumper Christmas this year. Plastic surgeons are also stocking up on septum repair kits too. How amazingly heartwarming.

The Emmys, as you definitely know, celebrate the best in American television and will be held on Sunday, September 18th… shown on Fox who everyone hates at the moment. And the big guns making vague headlines are Modern Family (*shrug*) and the utter dross that is The Big Bang Theory. In drama, the wonderful trio of Mad Men, Game of Thrones, and The Good Wife bag several nominations. Let us peer at the rest of the nominations over the jump.

Tina Fey, Steve Buscemi, Jane Lynch, Michael C. Hall, Kate Winslett, Idris Elba, Martha Plimpton and Laurence Fishburne make for some credible names in the nomz, which is all well and good… however… however… what should be the biggest headline is that something so preposterously dreadful that it defies belief, is tucked away amongst the big shots.

Staggeringly, someone, somewhere, has decided to put Matt LeBlanc’s turn in the awful Episodes up for Best Lead Actor.

No seriously. Cat Deeley has a nomination too. Crazy.

Anyway, here are the 2011 Emmy Awards nominees. Enjoy reading a massive list of names.

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Laura Linney, The Big C
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly
Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope
Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Steve Carell, The Office
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Louis C.K., Louie,
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Jane Lynch, Glee
Betty White, Hot in Cleveland
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
Chris Colfer, Glee
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill, Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family

Comedy Series

Glee
Parks and Recreation
The Office
Modern Family
30 Rock
The Big Bang Theory

Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
Mireille Enos, The Killing
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Kathy Bates, Harry’s Law

Lead Actor in a Drama Series

Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House
Timothy Olyphant, Justified

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Michelle Forbes, The Killing
Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife
Margo Martindale, Justified
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

John Slattery, Mad Men
Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age
Walton Goggins, Justified
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife

Drama Series

Boardwalk Empire
The Good Wife
Mad Men
Friday Night Lights
Dexter
Game of Thrones

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce
Elizabeth McGovern, Downton Abbey
Diane Lane, Cinema Verite
Taraji P. Henson, Taken From Me: The Tiffany Rubin Story
Jean Marsh, Upstairs Downstairs

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Greg Kinnear, The Kennedys
Barry Pepper, The Kennedys
Edgar Ramirez, Carlos
William Hurt, Too Big To Fail
Idris Elba, Luther
Laurence Fishburne, Thurgood

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce
Brian F. O’Byrne, Mildred Pierce
Tom Wilkinson, The Kennedys
Paul Giamatti, Too Big To Fail
James Woods, Too Big To Fail

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Evan Rachel Wood, Mildred Pierce
Melissa Leo, Mildred Pierce
Mare Winningham, Mildred Pierce
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Eileen Atkins, Upstairs Downstairs

Variety, Music, or Comedy Series

The Colbert Report
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Saturday Night Live
Conan
Real Time with Bill Maher
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Reality – Competition Programme

So You Think You Can Dance
The Amazing Race
Project Runway
American Idol
Dancing with the Stars
Top Chef

Host for a Reality or Reality Competition

Tom Bergeron, Dancing with the Stars
Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race
Jeff Probst, Survivor
Ryan Seacrest, American Idol

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Everyone loves the Emmys. They’re just like The Oscars, only duller and so full of Ryan Seacrest that even his own mother sort of gets bored of looking at him by the end.

The Emmys took place last night, and they were a special Emmys, too – the 60th anniversary of the ceremony. So which megawatt uberstar got to mark this prestigious moment? The fanny-faced bloke from Deal Or No Deal, that’s who. And Ryan Seacrest. Naturally.

But, hey, who won at the Emmys last night? Well, Mad Men picked up the most prestigious award! And 30 Rock scooped several others! And blah! And snore! And honk! And fleurgh!

OK, look, we have a confession to make. We didn’t actually watch the Emmys last night. It’s not that we didn’t want to, it’s just… no, actually it was entirely because we didn’t want to. If we wanted to watch three hours of TV people backslapping each other largely without merit, we’d just hang around for a morning at any TV production company in the world. At least that way we wouldn’t have to go through the soul-crushing rigmarole of seeing Jeremy Piven leap around clutching a shiny trophy for essentially playing Jeremy Piven for the 15th year running.

But, anyway, just because we didn’t see the Emmys doesn’t mean we don’t know what happened. For example, judging by the videos of the Emmys submitted to YouTube so far, the entire three-hour ceremony was given over to Josh Groban, who attempted to sing one line from every television theme-tune ever made in such a variety of irritating wacky voices that we’re surprised nobody clambered onto the stage and punched him to the ground about three seconds in. Here’s a five-minute excerpt…

But the Emmys being tedious and uncomfortably self-congratulatory isn’t news – the news is who won the Emmys. So here’s who won the Emmys.

Man Men won Best Drama and Best Writing for a drama series, which was probably deserved even though watching an episode of Mad Men feels a bit like watching an episode of The Sopranos in slow motion in the moments between overdosing on cough medicine and waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

30 Rock won Emmys for Best Comedy, Best Comedy Actor, Best Comedy Actress and Best Writing for a comedy series which, again, was probably deserved despite Charlie Sheen‘s continued excellence at playing a monotone dullard who really looks like he’d much rather being doing anything else at all and who wouldn’t even be on this stinking show if it weren’t for the alimony he has to pay his bitch of an ex-wife on Two And A Half Men.

Other winners at the Emmys included John Adams, Don Rickles and Glenn Close. Other losers at the Emmys includes anyone who watched the Emmys.

Honestly, don’t the people behind the Emmys know that people only take award ceremonies seriously if Britney Spears turns up and wins a bunch of stuff she patently doesn’t deserve just because she’s got hair and isn’t crying for once? You’d do well to remember that for next year, Emmy people.

Katherine Heigl has gone and done ‘that thing’ again, where she puts herself in a situation where the media can misunderstand and misquote her, thus making her look like something of a bitch.

Come on Katherine, grow some sense – you can’t make any comment about anything, ever, without it being jumped on and you made out to look like something of a snob or a twit. Remember the Knocked Up ‘sexist’ fiasco? Where it came out that you thought the film was sexist? Then backtracked, claiming your quote was taken out of context?

Then everyone decided you hated the film?

Then everyone decided you were a bit of a mouthy git?

Seriously – the smart money would be on choosing your words more carefully, or just keeping schtum. But you haven’t learned – this time you’ve made it look as if you’re slagging off Grey’s Anatomy, which currently pays the bills. Again, maybe not so smart.

Yes, Katherine Heigl was nominated for an Emmy award at this year’s ceremony, but she’s gone and pulled out. Because apparently she doesn’t think she’s deserving of a trophy this year. #

Actually, that’s quite honourable and honest of her. So why did she have to go and make it sound as if she’s blaming the show for her being undeserving?

“I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention.”

Speaking to the Los Angeles Times, Heigl made it all too clear where she was placing the blame. She wasn’t the one that had been crap over the last year – the show was! It’s all clear now! Possibly noticing that this was one of the least subtle comments belittling one’s own show, Katherine followed up the comment:

“In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials.”

Ah. Kick the Anatomy when it’s down, why don’t you. Jeez.

We suppose it could be worse – Katherine could be having a go at a show that actually has some good points, and not an overly-emotional, faux-intellectual farce of a television show that preys on the lowest common denominator to keep its viewing figures up. Like, say, if she started on The Wire, then, whoa. That wouldn’t bode well for her.

Consider yourself warned, Heigl.