This weekend has been Baby Weekend, with a myriad of slebs all dropping sprogs. Matt Bellamy and Kate Hudson have had one, but no-one really cares about a Goldie Hawn’s daughter and a singer who looks like his whole face has been pinched in a vice every morning for the last two decades.

No, the big celebrity baby story of the weekend is David and Victoria Beckham’s little girl. She was cut out of the former Spice Girls’ stomach, to protect her tiny papercut of a front-bum from being stretched to snapping point, leaving her with one famous orifice.

And of course, they needed a name for this little bundle of potential let-down… and they’ve gone for Harper Seven.

It goes without saying that Harper Seven is just the latest in a long line of stupid names for a sleb offspring. Jason Lee’s stupid child is called Pilot Inspektor, Jermaine Jackson hilariously named his kid Jermajesty and Sly Stallone takes the biscuit with the impressively awful Sage Moonblood, which sounds like the sort of nonsense that Charlie Sheen might come up with. And we all know about Zappa’s kids but you get the impression he gave them daft names on purpose.

In a statement on his Facebook page, the footballing half of the duo said:

“I am so proud and excited to announce the birth of our daughter Harper Seven Beckham.

“She weighed a healthy 7lbs 10oz and arrived at 7.55 this morning, here in LA. Victoria is doing really well and her brothers are delighted to have a baby sister xx.”

So, that’s David and Victoria heading up a household which also stars Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper. Sounds like a collection of air fresheners. Bad air fresheners at that.

But why Harper Seven? Well, seven was David’s number when he played for Manchester United and England and… well… Harper… you imagine Victoria simply looked around and gawped at her vapid life and saw a copy of Harper’s Bizarre on the coffee table and *BING* a baby was christened.

Slightly better than calling it Take A Break we suppose.

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When the Spice Girls first exploded onto the popscene, they dominated the charts by simply shouting more loudly than anyone else. The curious thing was, is that they never seemed to like each other. Ever.

At the centre of the hate always seemed to be Geri Halliwell and Mel B, both vying for position as leader of the band when the truth of the matter is, Simon Fuller was always the one wearing the trousers. Well, literally.

And as the girls went their separate way, so the ill feeling loomed larger, with the exception of Emma Bunton who seems painfully pleasant. So are Geri and Mel B sneering at each other then? No, this time, Victoria Beckham is getting it in the neck, presumably because she’s had the audacity to become the most famous of the crew, despite being the least talented by some distance. Girl power and all that!

Like girls who sync their periods when in close proximity, the Spice Girls have unfathomably all becoming pregnant at the same time (well, everyone except from Geri and Sporty Spice who can’t find anyone who will willingly have sex with them).

This leads us to think that they’ve done it on purpose so that, in 15 year’s time, they can force their unfortunate offspring into being in a band called Revenge Of The Spice Girls.

Anyway. The snubs (a great name for a band that). Preggo Mel B has folded her arms and loudly given Victoria Beckham the silent treatment in a Twitter message.

Mel B announced her pregnancy to the world earlier this week, reminding everyone that she once had it off with Eddie Murphy in what must have been the ugliest sex ever. This baby doesn’t belong to Murphy, but rather, some dude called Stephen Belafonte who we couldn’t care less about.

And so, Peach Mel B promptly went about thanking everyone that isn’t Posh Spice for their words of encouragement about the fact her womb works.

‘Ahh big thanks to my spice girls mel c, geri and emma for all the baby well wishes! Love you! Xxxxx’

Speaking to Hello!, the former leopard print fan said:

‘We’re really excited. We wouldn’t have planned and waited for four years to have a baby if we weren’t really excited about it and ready for it, even though you can never really be truly ready’

She then stabbed a crude wax figurine of Victoria Beckham directly through the heart with a hot cleaver.

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Remember the Spice Girls? Of course you do! They had roughly three half decent pop songs, with the rest being derivative, throwaway trash. Each member had their own unique personality trait foisted upon them, which of course, slowly dissolved to reveal personalities often far uglier.

There was Scary Spice, who became Vaguely Controlling, Eddie Murphy Humping Spice. There was Posh Spice who, bafflingly, because the most famous of the lot, despite turning into Boring But Frequently Photographed Spice. Then there was Sporty Spice who became Seems Like She’s The Most Personable Spice Despite Doing A Song With Bryan Bloody Adams. And Baby Spice who briefly became Attractive Spice In That Video Where She Wore A Gingham Shirt before settling on Myleene Klass Spice Who Sits On A Judging Panel For An Ice Skating Show Despite Having No Experience In Said Sport. Finally, there’s Ginger Spice who became Terrifyingly Unhinged Spice.

Seriously. Geri Halliwell is more frightening than Lucy from Take Me Out. And she’s involved in something of a spat with the rest of the Spice Girls over unreleased material.

Of course, arguments over unreleased material mean only one thing: Someone is trying to release it into the wild on a public who, frankly, don’t deserve such misfortune.

Does anyone remember the girls’ last single? It was called Headlines? No? That’s because it was substandard RnB filled with cloying sentiments about love and all that rubbish. Remember when the Spice Girls were kinda fun to have around? Say You’ll Be There and Spice Up Your Life were bold, brash pop records that made sense… not a 40th rewrite of the hideous 2 Become 1.

And the two people wanting to subject our ears to yet more limp pop are el B and Mel C who really want to release an album, whittled down from 60 previously unheard tracks.

Alas, the rest of the gang are not impressed.

Victoria Beckham, Geri Halliwell and Emma Bunton are all, sensibly, against the notion of putting music out with the Spice Girls name on it that was initially deemed not good enough for them. That in itself is quite the notion! Imagine songs that were discarded because they weren’t as good as Let Love Lead The Way.

You don’t remember that one either, do you?

It would appear that Victoria doesn’t want in because she’s pregnant and busy designing clothes. She doesn’t really want to promise anyone that she’ll hit the promotion trail with all that going on. Which, alarmingly, seems rather sensible.

Geri and Emma meanwhile are still under the control of the shadowy pop villain, Simon Fuller, who used to manage the Spice Girls, and he’s not thrilled at the idea of releasing these tracks.

He says no. Geri and Emma hop to it and say “Yeah! Whatever the man says! GIRL POWER!”

Yet, there’s still idiots in the world and they’re called ‘sources who talk to the Daily Mirror’.

“From a possible 60 tracks, three or four would be guaranteed number ones and there’s definitely a solid album’s worth of tracks. Although such a release would generate millions, it’s not about the money.

It’s not about the money? Really? What is it then? Some altruistic notion of promotion female empowerment for girls pressurised into feeling too ugly or too fat by a unforgiving media?

“Both Melanies want to open up the band to a new generation of fans and keep the memory of the Spice Girls alive.”

Memory, presumably, means ‘money’.

Not to worry though! Even if this album doesn’t see the light of day, there is good news for Spice Girls fans. There’s a Spice Girls musical called Viva Forever which is opening next year.

hecklerspray won’t see it though because, as a precautionary measure, we’ve lopped our ears off with shears and removed our eyes with ice cream scoops.

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Channel Five. No-one really watches it do they? It bought Neighbours and Home and Away and instead of them gaining two cult imports, they managed to make people suddenly not care. But plucky little Five won’t stop trying… in fact, they Don’t Stop Believing (Five, Sunday, 8 August, 5:45pm) which is almost sad when you see the fruits of their harvest.

In an attempt to jump on two bandwagons at once – Glee and The X Factor – the show has fallen flat on its face very much like someone trying to ride two horses at the same time.

Don’t Stop Believing wants the thrill of the public vote and the blank stare of the judging panel mixed with the hideous family friendly choral nonsense that has made Glee such a runaway success in the world with people who never wanted to admit to liking musicals, when really they loved them.

As such, the uncoolest type of singing ever thrown into the pressure cooker of the format vote-me show, makes what? Well, like the singers in the show, instead of amplifying, it all cancels each other out. Yesterday saw a bunch of young people all singing at the same time, quite loudly, yet somehow still managing to sound like less than one voice.

Still, we shouldn’t berate the contestants on the show too much because they’re just giddy amateurs looking for a fleeting moment in the spotlight. And they’ve got nothing on the drips that are supposed to be professionals.

Where The X Factor makes an entire world for the show to live in, with huge hangar live shows, boot camps, guest celebrities like Whitney Houston coming along to listen to young people singing at their lifeless eyes, Don’t Stop Believing is simply and Wheel ‘Em Out And Make ‘Em Sing and very little else.

In some respects, that’s quite admirable… however, in TV terms, it makes the whole thing feel like New Faces as opposed to this ridiculous camp tension cranker that Cowell is so deft at producing.

The panel of judges doesn’t help matters. For our televisual pleasure, we have Duncan James, Anastacia, Tamzin Outhwaite and choreographer Charles ‘Chucky’ Klapow.

In the case of Chucky Kapow! we have a man who dresses like a Vice Magazine hipster, yet somehow, is simultaneously forgettable. Imagine someone putting fluorescent sunglassed on the shadow cast by a mop bucket. In Tamzin Outhwaite, we have a perfectly lovely woman who talks like an adult without hamming everything up, but alas, that’s all she is. That and someone from Eastenders. There’s something in her eyes that says “Jesus. Phil Mitchell on crack. That’s impressively crap, even for a British soap.”

Then you have the two lame-ducks. First off, you have Anastacia who presumably is there to fill the Mental Like Paula Adbul role. Everytime she appeared on screen, there was a certain unsteadiness to the show which made the viewer feel like they had to down two bottles of wine and then operate heavy machinery whilst being trapped in a lift with Liza Minnelli. There’s not even the flicker of a human in there, only bad-wiring.

Duncan James sits on the panel purely as knicker-bait for bored, lonely forty-somethings. His whole schtick is akin to a man who systematically beds bored divorcees at holiday resorts, kissing stretch marks and buying them cheap chocolates with well-rehearsed platitudes. He’s so staggeringly pointless that you may as well stand a tower of Ferrero Rocher in his place with a sign above it saying “Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way.”

The only person to come out of the show with anything good is host Emma Bunton who looks like she’s been presenting TV shows for years. Okay, someone at the show did their utmost to dress her like Carol Decker from T’Pau with dreadful shoulder pads and dodgy earrings (when really, they should’ve gone for the cutesy ’50s housewife-next-door look of Holly Willoughby), but all-in-all, Emma Bunton seems well-suited to being on our TV screens.

However, cutting through all this is a staggering lack of knowledge about music, underlined completely by MT4Uth (dreadful name) and their performance of ‘Feeling Good’. Everyone thrilled at how they’d managed to get a classic and turn it into something radically different. It was ‘bold and brave’ and like nothing they’d ever heard before… APART FROM THE FACT IT WAS A CARBON COPY OF MUSE’S VERSION OF ‘FEELING GOOD’ YOU SIMPERING DIPSHITS.

What was impressive about the show was that it somehow managed to be crappier than expected. Hopes were not high for a show on Five, yet unfathomably, the whole thing managed to hit considerably lower than expectation. It’s a bad feeling when that’s the main thing you take away from a new show. At least Emma Bunton might be on our screens with a bit more frequency from now on.

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From DIETPIXIE – Emma Bunton, who once claimed eating disorders don’t happen in Barnet, has told Red magazine that she prefers herself curvy to scrawny.

Baby Spice is adamant that knocking around with Victoria Beckham and Geri Halliwell again hasn’t made her diet bonkers and has no intention of following them on their dogged size zero quest.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window) >>

As if the Spice Girls reunion wasn't going badly enough already, now Emma Bunton has fallen over, knackered her ankle and has to hobble around on crutches.

It's been reported that Emma Bunton – also known as Infantile Spice by her young fans – stacked it onstage during a Spice Girls show in Las Vegas and now she's in a cast. But don't you worry, London-based Spice Girls fans – Emma Bunton has vowed that by the time the Spice Girls' world tour hits London she'll have recovered completely, even if she has to spend 13 hours chewing off her bad leg – cauterising the wound with a red-hot travel iron as she goes – and replacing it with one big penny farthing wheel, a bit like those dogs who go round hospitals have. 

Yes, that's actually what Emma Bunton said.

No it isn't.

For all the fanfares and million-dollar sofa-designing contracts that the Spice Girls received when they announced their reunion, things haven't been going as well as expected. Their comeback single Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) is officially the worst-performing Children In Need single of all time – even overbearing cockney git Shane Ritchie did better with a cover of a Wham song – plus hardly a day goes by without seeing pictures of the Spice Girls performing to half-empty arenas. And the few who do turn up don't have anything more constructive to do than slag off Victoria Beckham.

Meanwhile Victoria Beckham is doing nothing to dispel those pregnancy rumours, Mel B has been called a lesbian and if we see that bloody Tesco advert one more time we're going to do a dirty protest right on top of the cheese counter. How could the Spice Girls' comeback get any worse?

Well Emma Bunton could fall over and bust up her ankle for a start.

Wait a minute, that's exactly what's happened. Yesterday the Spice Girls turned up at Los Angeles International Airport to unveil a new plane – called Spice One, presumably because it's always half-empty and a crowd of desperate touts try and sell you unwanted tickets for 10p in the departure lounge – and Emma Bunton turned up on crutches.

When asked why she was hobbling around like cartoon Victorian orphan, Emma offered the following explanation:

"I had a tumble on stage and unfortunately I have sprained my ankle, so I'm hobbling around on crutches. But I'm sure to make a speedy recovery and see you all at the O2."

A tumble on stage during a Spice Girls comeback concert? Well, there can't have been any witnesses so we'll have to accept that excuse as fact. But it does seem a little bit fishy – perhaps Geri Halliwell attacked Bunton's ankle with a ball-hammer one night out of jealousy that Emma has been on more dance-based reality TV shows than her. Maybe we'll never know.

But at least Emma has promised fans that she'll be back to her old self by the time the Spice Girls reunion train stops in London. It's a weight off our minds, that's for sure – the Spice Girls wouldn't be the Spice Girls without a semi-anonymous blonde woman dressed as a child standing at the back and mimbling her mousey backing vocals for a couple of words per song.

Read more:

Why's Em On Crutches? – Sky