Clearly, the United Kingdom has learned no lessons from Eurovision. We won’t ever win because people ‘vote’ enough for us through the year, buying our many exported pop acts. Eurovision is a chance for these countries to show rightful contempt for us and, of course, celebrate their own.
Instead of playing a sob story like we endure on the likes of The X Factor and the like, we have started sending known acts in the misguided hope that they’ll pick up votes. Blue deservedly bombed thanks to being one of the most odious collections of men since Mugabe put a 5-a-side team together.
And next year, it looks like we’re set to send more pampered divs to the slaughterhouse as it appears that the Spice Girls will be going to Eurovision in 2012.
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This weekend has been Baby Weekend, with a myriad of slebs all dropping sprogs. Matt Bellamy and Kate Hudson have had one, but no-one really cares about a Goldie Hawn’s daughter and a singer who looks like his whole face has been pinched in a vice every morning for the last two decades.
No, the big celebrity baby story of the weekend is David and Victoria Beckham’s little girl. She was cut out of the former Spice Girls’ stomach, to protect her tiny papercut of a front-bum from being stretched to snapping point, leaving her with one famous orifice.
And of course, they needed a name for this little bundle of potential let-down… and they’ve gone for Harper Seven.
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When the Spice Girls first exploded onto the popscene, they dominated the charts by simply shouting more loudly than anyone else. The curious thing was, is that they never seemed to like each other. Ever.
At the centre of the hate always seemed to be Geri Halliwell and Mel B, both vying for position as leader of the band when the truth of the matter is, Simon Fuller was always the one wearing the trousers. Well, literally.
And as the girls went their separate way, so the ill feeling loomed larger, with the exception of Emma Bunton who seems painfully pleasant. So are Geri and Mel B sneering at each other then? No, this time, Victoria Beckham is getting it in the neck, presumably because she’s had the audacity to become the most famous of the crew, despite being the least talented by some distance. Girl power and all that!
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Remember the Spice Girls? Of course you do! They had roughly three half decent pop songs, with the rest being derivative, throwaway trash. Each member had their own unique personality trait foisted upon them, which of course, slowly dissolved to reveal personalities often far uglier.
There was Scary Spice, who became Vaguely Controlling, Eddie Murphy Humping Spice. There was Posh Spice who, bafflingly, because the most famous of the lot, despite turning into Boring But Frequently Photographed Spice. Then there was Sporty Spice who became Seems Like She’s The Most Personable Spice Despite Doing A Song With Bryan Bloody Adams. And Baby Spice who briefly became Attractive Spice In That Video Where She Wore A Gingham Shirt before settling on Myleene Klass Spice Who Sits On A Judging Panel For An Ice Skating Show Despite Having No Experience In Said Sport. Finally, there’s Ginger Spice who became Terrifyingly Unhinged Spice.
Seriously. Geri Halliwell is more frightening than Lucy from Take Me Out. And she’s involved in something of a spat with the rest of the Spice Girls over unreleased material.
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Channel Five. No-one really watches it do they? It bought Neighbours and Home and Away and instead of them gaining two cult imports, they managed to make people suddenly not care. But plucky little Five won’t stop trying… in fact, they Don’t Stop Believing (Five, Sunday, 8 August, 5:45pm) which is almost sad when you see the fruits of their harvest.
In an attempt to jump on two bandwagons at once – Glee and The X Factor – the show has fallen flat on its face very much like someone trying to ride two horses at the same time.
Don’t Stop Believing wants the thrill of the public vote and the blank stare of the judging panel mixed with the hideous family friendly choral nonsense that has made Glee such a runaway success in the world with people who never wanted to admit to liking musicals, when really they loved them. Read More >>>
From DIETPIXIE – Emma Bunton, who once claimed eating disorders don’t happen in Barnet, has told Red magazine that she prefers herself curvy to scrawny.
Baby Spice is adamant that knocking around with Victoria Beckham and Geri Halliwell again hasn’t made her diet bonkers and has no intention of following them on their dogged size zero quest.
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As if the Spice Girls reunion wasn't going badly enough already, now Emma Bunton has fallen over, knackered her ankle and has to hobble around on crutches.
It's been reported that Emma Bunton – also known as Infantile Spice by her young fans – stacked it onstage during a Spice Girls show in Las Vegas and now she's in a cast. But don't you worry, London-based Spice Girls fans – Emma Bunton has vowed that by the time the Spice Girls' world tour hits London she'll have recovered completely, even if she has to spend 13 hours chewing off her bad leg – cauterising the wound with a red-hot travel iron as she goes – and replacing it with one big penny farthing wheel, a bit like those dogs who go round hospitals have.
Yes, that's actually what Emma Bunton said.
No it isn't.
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