Remember when Eminem was kinda vital to have around? He made records that didn’t rely on funk breaks and effectively spat out a mixture of awkward confessionals and comedy skits, rather than focusing on displays of wealth and success.
Not that his albums were very good mind you.
And then, of course, he went mental and got addicted to all manner of nonsense and sampled Haddaway, which is just preposterous. You can’t ‘keep it real’ while sampling tawdry Europop. What next? Marshall Mathers Versus London Boys? It would seem that Eminem is off the boil and no longer in the same vicinity as the pulse, let alone getting his finger on it. This is underlined by his snickering at Lady GaGa having a penis, which is now officially so old that it is being considered for inclusion in Christmas crackers.
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Once upon a time, bands and artists were nominated for musical awards based on the merit of the audio they committed to LPs. Now, it seems that you can predict the nominees for ceremonies months in advance. Lady Gaga could release an album where she tapes herself constructing a shelf. It could sell bugger-all, but if a good marketing campaign backs it up, then some idiot will buy it.
Hooray for the humble PR team, the people who are paid to promote artists and generate advertising for them at inappropriate times – such as Take That on every single TV show and advert when opportunity becomes available.
Given that, let us offer our worthless opinion for this year’s nominations that had a great marketing team, appeared at festivals or featured in trashy magazines.
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Remember when there was a flicker of life in Eminem’s eyes? Remember those days? He was the Bart Simpson of the rap world and got up people’s noses and occasionally made a tune worth listening to. And everyone kinda liked ‘Stan’ for a few months.
Then, Marshall Mathers went mental, got strung out on all kindsa weird stuff and then watched his weight fluctuate wildly like someone looking at their reflection in a fun house mirror.
The one thing that remained as constant was Eminem’s potty-mouth. He swears more than a carpenter with giant thumbs… but not in his home, if you can believe that. Read More >>>
This week in good and bad.
Folded:
Creased:
- Eminem (currently has eight songs in the charts, all from 2002)
- Mad Men spoilers on Twitter (what is it about this show that causes everyone in the U.S. to hashtag ruin it for the rest of us?)
- That cringy bit at the end of The X-Factor where the judges make out an obviously talented singer won’t be put through to ‘boot camp’ (“You raise me up”, “This is my perfect moment” – take your pick)
- It’s so cold out (yes, pillock in t-shirt, we’re talking to you)
- Passport office (ever been to one of these places? They’re staffed by the entire cast of The League of Gentlemen)
Good news! Eminem is back with a brand new album that everybody is really trying very hard to like.
Better news! Eminem’s new single is called Love The Way You Lie and Rihanna sings the chorus on it. Best news! Despite Rihanna’s very public struggles with domestic violence, the video to Love The Way You Lie is largely about Megan Fox and Charlie from Lost beating each other up. How brilliant is that? It’s like Rihanna is totally using the video as a cathartic method of release. Or she’s cashing in on the fact that her boyfriend beat her to the brink of unconsciousness last year. Or she’s saying that domestic violence is wonderful.
To be honest, we’ve lost the ability to tell. But you know what’ll sort that out? A good old decoding of the Eminem and Rihanna Love The Way You Lie video. After the jump, everyone…
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Right, everyone needs to calm down. CALM DOWN! JUST RELAX! Breathe. That’s it. Breathe. Relax your mind, calm your addled nerves with a nice green tea or a cuddle with a bosomy fat person.
Feeling better? Good. Now, try and maintain your calm, because it’s important. Otherwise this whole Liam Gallagher versus Peter Kay thing could escalate, and no one wants to have to go through the whole Biggie and Tupac debacle. Not again.
The north of England will, of course, be divided – some flashing ‘knobhead’ signs at one another, in honour of Peter Kay’s aside when the Oasis man attempted to look like a rock star by throwing his award into a stage school student’s face. Whilst the rest will be miming the throwing incident, then probably high fiving/kissing one another. This, people, is exactly how gang warfare starts.
So, as a means of terrifying you with the harsh reality of exactly what can happen as a result of a celebrity feud, below are some recent examples. If you scare easily, you should probably stop reading right now, and go and read a romantic novel or something. This isn’t for the faint hearted… Read More >>>
Hey man, don’t sit around feeling all sorry for Madonna because she hasn’t got a boyfriend. That would be a massive waste of time.
Instead, peruse the list of potential suitors below, and decide which one you would consider a worthy follow-up to that pouting Jesus character who recently made a run for it.
Madonna, take your pick.
You’re welcome. Read More >>>
It’s becoming clear that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of pop.
No, wait, that’s wrong. We meant to say that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the honking, toothless, meth-addicted, redneck, laundry-airing Jerry Springer guests of pop. Yes, that’s better.
So far, Eminem wrote a song about having sex with Mariah Carey, then Mariah Carey wrote a song calling Eminem obsessed, and now Eminem has written a song threatening to release voicemails and nude pictures of Mariah. Coming soon, Mariah says that Eminem runs like a girl and has fleas and wets the bed. IDST.
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