Hecklerspray » Emilia

Big Ginger John Loughton Wins Big Brother Celebrity Hijack

Stuart Heritage — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 11:30:38 +0000

You might have forgotten that it even existed, but Big Brother Celebrity Hijack reached its dramatic conclusion last night. Well, its conclusion.

And, if you're into that sort of thing, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finale threw up all kinds of surprises – not least that John Loughton, the overweight oversensitive perennial outsider ginger politician, beat the odds voted as the show's winner. But last night's Big Brother Celebrity Hijack had an even bigger surprise in store.

Emilia came second. And she was rubbish.

Over the last couple of years Big Brother has just got ridiculous. The typical Big Brother housemate is now a wannabe pop singer with Tourette's, a boob job, a vaguely tragic past, ambition that fizzles out after the first Heat cover and the kind of chronic 'love me' emotional disability that makes Britney Spears look like an icy standoffish stepmother. And, crucially, it seems like most of the recent Big Brother housemates had been turned down in years gone by because they weren't good enough. That's barrel-scraping, and it was a barrel full of shit in the first place.

So Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was a kind of rebooting of the franchise. It had famous people in it, but ones unlikely to start pan-continental race riots. And it had housemates, but Big Brother had sought them out rather than the other way around. So what Big Brother Celebrity Hijack gave us was – gasp – normal people.

Well, OK, not normal in the traditional sense – there was a dimwitted beauty queen who was a gifted child, a girl who sung about bongos, the least famous R&B singer in the world and a brother/sister duo who swung each other around on rollerskates until blood squirted out of their eyes. But you get the picture. Nobody watched Big Brother Celebrity Hijack but – admit it – it was nice to have a Big Brother that didn't commandeer every single tabloid headline for its entire duration.

And just to prove what a crazy mixed-up series Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was, last night's Big Brother Celebrity Hijack final turned everything on its head. For instance, instead of interviewing the evicted housemates in front of a baying mob, Dermot O'Leary mooched into the house itself and split his time between talking to the housemates and doing links into a mirror. It made the whole thing seem terribly anti-climactic, but then it was Monday night and it was E4, so everyone was just thankful that it was something other than a million Friends repeats in a row.

But what about the housemates? R&B singer Nathan and racing driver Jeremy were disposed of early on, but everyone expected that. Then the two favourites since the very beginning, Anthony and Amy – a hyperactive mummy's boy boxer and a levelheaded gas mask-clad conceptual artist respectively – were also evicted in fourth and third place. And that left John Loughton and Emilia Arata.

It wasn't a surprise that John was there – after all, he gained a free pass to the final after running round on opening night with an earpiece in following Matt Lucas' orders – but Emilia? Everyone was expecting Emilia to be evicted first, at least judging by the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction mob, who booed so hard every time they heard Emilia's name that we suspect some of them ended up coughing their lungs out.

Emilia was so transparently manipulative – either flirting or crying to get what she wanted – that we genuinely have no idea why she ended up coming second. Although, on reflection, it probably had something to do with her being able to put her arse on her own head.

But then Emilia got the boot too, and that just left John Loughton as the winner. Seaking just after he won, John said:

"I've grown so much as a person. I've realised how much I respect my family. The achievement was getting here, that's been my biggest achievement."

So will there be another Big Brother Celebrity Hijack next year? Probably not. And has Big Brother Celebrity Hijack killed off Big Brother for good, like the naysayers claim? Not a chance – the normal twat-filled three-month Big Brother will be here before you've even had chance to prepare yourselves.

And as for John Loughton? If Big Brother tradition hold firm, soon he'll get a fake tan, write an autobiography that nobody reads, marry one of Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Jong, divorce him, get a breast enlargement and end up starring in an internet sex tape. Bloody politicians, eh?

Read more:

John is King of BB: CH – The Sun

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack Betting Odds: Will Amy Win Tonight?

Stuart Heritage — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 10:30:51 +0000

Tonight’s the last night of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, so it’s bound to be a sad moment for the 12 remaining people who actually watch the sodding thing.

But who’ll win the prize of Â£50,000 and a lifetime of only being recognised as Wotsit Off Big Brother? Emilia, Nathan, John, Anthony, Jeremy and Amy all remain in the house, and one of them has to win, even though it’d probably be fairer on humanity if they let a massive robot into the house and let it trample them all to death instead. But who’ll win?

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Emilia, John, Anthony and Amy, with help from Paddy Power…

Emilia – Even though the odds said Latoya was bound to go, we were still a little surprised when Emilia didn’t get evicted from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house on Wednesday night, purely because of what an infuriating little twit she is.

She has a boyfriend, but she complains about him. She has a brother, but she complains about him. She has a romantic interest in Jeremy, but all she does is bicker with him. There’s no doubt in our mind that Emilia is in the shortlist for Worst Girlfriend Ever because of this attitude.

Or at least she would be if she couldn’t put her arse on her head. Still, that’s not enough to let her win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. Is it? Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

John – We’ve been backwards and forwards with John since Big Brother Celebrity Hijack began – we thought he should win because the stuff he did with Matt Lucas was quite funny, then we thought he should lose because he’s such an oversensitive, condescending pissbag.

Then we thought he should win again because the only reason that he’s so oversensitive and condescending is because the others are dicks to him. So now we’re not sure. And by the time we go to bed tonight we won’t care. And that time can’t come soon enough. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/1

Anthony - We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve already written tomorrow’s ‘Anthony Wins Big Brother’ article. We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve printed up a bunch of ‘Anthony Is A Knockout’ T-shirts that we’ll be selling out the boot of our car first thing tomorrow morning.

We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve registered as many websites with his name in them as we could think of and used them to host disgusting porn. We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’re not even going to watch the Big Brother final tonight. So it’s a pisser that Anthony’s probably not going to win, then. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/2

Amy – In a fair and just world, Amy should probably win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. She’s got strength of mind by the bucketload, she’s able to use reason and sense to talk the other housemates out of flipping out and she’s been remarkably quick to see through all of Big Brother’s dimwitted machinations when the others haven’t.

And now, after weeks of being second-favourite, it looks like Amy’s going to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack tonight. And since all the teenage girls voting for the show will want Anthony to win, this is quite the achievement. Especially as Amy looks more and more like Dave Gorman with each passing day. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 11/8

Tomorrow: We haven’t got a titting clue, to be honest. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack Betting Odds: Latoya Out Tonight?

Stuart Heritage — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 10:30:57 +0000

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is thundering towards the finishing line, but there are still billions of the little bleeders still in the house.

So that’s why there’s going to be a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction tonight. Sworn enemies Latoya and Emilia are currently engaged in a public fight to the death, and the results will be discovered later tonight. Of course, by ‘fight to the death’ we mean ‘eviction battle’ and by ’sworn enemies’ we mean ’slightly ambivalent acquaintances.’ But be quiet. Eviction! Woo!

So here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for tonight’s eviction – for Emilia and Latoya – with help from Paddy Power…

Emilia – It’s good to see that Emilia is managing to maintain her role as Big Brother’s professional victim by whining that Latoya’s improvised fight last week brought out an angry side of Victor that nobody had ever seen before. Which, you know, would have been a noble thing to do were it not for the fact that everyone who’s even watched one episode of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack saw nothing but Victor’s angry side. And the public’s residual dislike of Victor might just mean that Emilia gets voted out of the house tonight. Or at least it would if Emilia couldn’t put her arse on her head. But she can, and we could forgive her almost anything for that. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 9/4

Latoya – Latoya, on the other hand, isn’t as instantly dislikeable as Emilia, but then again she isn’t likeable either. Or, you know, anything – Latoya may as well be a cloud of fart vapour for all she brings to Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. One weirdly realistic fake crying tantrum and that’s it, that’s all she’s done. The flirtation with Nathan came to nothing, the friendship with Jay petered out, she’s never especially fast to do anything – in fact, we’re not even sure we’d notice if Latoya was evicted tonight. Except that Emilia wouldn’t have anyone to bitch about, even though she’ll have probably found another target by the time Latoya’s halfway up the stairs on her way out. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 2/7

Tomorrow: more Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack Betting Odds: Latoya & Emilia Up

Stuart Heritage — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 10:30:05 +0000

Now that Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is getting the hang of evictions, it’s decided to sling out housemates faster than ever before – which is bad news for Latoya and Emilia.

On Sunday the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates nominated yet again, and yesterday the two housemates with the most votes were names as Latoya and Emilia. And the evicted housemate won’t be getting a big Friday night eviction like everyone else – no, they’ll be shunted out of the house on a Wednesday in front of a televised audience of, ooh, about three. We’ll be getting to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction odds soon enough.

But for now let’s carry on our look at the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win, for Nathan, Emilia and Jeremy, with help from Paddy Power…

Nathan – A long long time ago when Big Brother Celebrity Hijack started (yes, we know it was just a couple of weeks ago, but by bloody Christ, does it feel like longer), Nathan looked like the fun-loving chap who’d inject a bit of life into the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. But that was an assumption so wrong it should be punishable by a damn good birching. Nathan has revealed himself to be – in no particular order – ultra-serious, unable to join in any discussions in case it alienates his meagre fanbase, slightly bitter that he isn’t more famous than he is and such a freakish horndog that he darn-near melted our TV with his lechery. And, you, know, we’ve already got one Craig David for that. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 16/1

Emilia – It’s become increasingly clear over the last week that Emilia is something of a professional victim, and the only time she ever shows a trace of personality is whenever she’s got someone bitching at her. And now that Victor’s not in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house any more, Emilia’s main source of antagonism has disappeared. So chances are Emilia is either going to flourish now that she doesn’t have an emotionally-deformed rollerskater telling her that she’s a whore or she’ll find another way to act the victim. Chances are by Thursday Emilia will burst into tears because Jeremy’s keeping her down by stroking her hair sometimes. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 12/1

Jeremy – Jeremy is another Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate who’ll suffer without Victor around. Not in the same way as Emilia, though – Jeremy had forged something of a homoerotic relationship with Victor that mainly consisted of swapping sex stories and talking sexist rubbish in pretend European accents. And now that he’s been forcibly removed from Victor, there’s a chance that Jeremy will become a bit of a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack loner. In short, Jeremy is the new Liam, and we await the day he starts meowing at himself in the bathroom with more anticipation than you could possibly imagine. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for the big eviction. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack Betting Odds: Double Eviction, Emilia Out?

Stuart Heritage — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:30:28 +0000

So Big Brother has spoken – and not even Big Brother, an ancient shiny skull with a raspy New York accent – and we know who’s up for eviction this week.

As we told you yesterday, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates facing eviction tomorrow night are Jeremy, Emilia, Victor and Liam. Sadly two of them have to go in a double eviction – it’s sad because they all can’t – but who’s it going to be? Rubbishly, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction betting odds haven’t gone online yet, so we’re going to give you each nominated housemate’s betting odds to win, and you can work it all out backwards yourselves. Yes?

Good – so here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jeremy and Emilia, with help from Paddy Power…

Jeremy – Although he promised to be one of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack’s biggest arseholes, all of Jeremy’s rough edges have been shaved off by Emilia, who he obviously wants to have sex with quite a lot. But Big Brother Celebrity Hijack voters want more from their housemates than just the distant promise of seeing some elastic-limbed sex on TV – they want action. And what has Jeremy actually done lately? made a snow angel under duress? Stroked Emilia’s hair as she went to sleep? That’s rubbish behaviour, but we suspect that Jeremy will be let off the hook again this week because, well, because he’s not Liam. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Emilia – Remember who the viewers of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack are – teenage girls. Now, look at Emilia – a talented, successful girl who is quite pretty and who, by being able to put her arse on her head, is the main focus of male attention this year. If you were a teenage girl, would you want Emilia to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, or would you start making plans for the best way to grab her by the hair and throw her into the bins in a jealous fit? As teenage girls ourselves, we’re going to have to say the latter. Usually this would be enough to signal the end of a housemate’s Big Brother experience, but we suspect that Emilia will be let off the hook this week because, well, because she’s not Liam. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 14/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Victor and Liam. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack Betting Odds: Can Amy Win?

Stuart Heritage — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 10:30:41 +0000

The Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates are made of tougher stuff than they look, you know – just look what they’ve been through.

As if just living in a new house with 11 total strangers for a month isn’t bad enough, they’ve also been put through a brutal SAS interrogation process by Andy McNab, had their acting skills harshly criticised by that Scottish actor, plus they had to spend a day listening to Peaches Geldof rabbiting on at them without being able to kick their way into the control room and choke her on her stupid microphone. They’re made of stronger stuff than us.

But who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Latoya, Emilia, Jeremy and Amy, with help from Paddy Power…

Latoya – You can tell that the producers of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack desperately want Latoya and Nathan to hook up. Hardly a furtive side-glace or awkward semi-conversation between them goes by without a huge deal getting made of it. And the truth is, we’re not sure if Latoya really likes Nathan. And we’re not sure if Latoya doesn’t like Nathan either. Frankly we’re not sure that dancing has left very much in Latoya’s brain at all, aside from a camp man in an afro and a velour tracksuit shouting “And five six seven eight SPIN six seven eight!” over and over again. But maybe Latoya’s being smart and playing the dark horse to avoid eviction. Or maybe she doesn’t understand the concept of smart because it doesn’t involve windmilling your arms around like a loon. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 20/1

Emilia – Notice how Emilia is dead-centre of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds. Know why that is? It’s because nobody can work out if Emilia is a nice girl or a tosspiece. She’s a tough one to crack, that’s for sure – she’s obviously got a streak of burning narcissism running through her a mile wide, and she can always be counted on to get what she wants by flashing her legs around like a hussy. But then again Emilia isn’t shy of the odd sincerely sweet gesture, too. If Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was voted for primarily by sex-starved married men in their mid-forties, we get the feeling that Emilia would walk it, but since it’s mainly teenage girls who take part, we can’t work out what they’ll make of her. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Jeremy – The most interesting noise that a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction crowd at the sound of a name is “wearrrrugh” – the noncommittal acceptance that, although a housemate may have appeared to be a bit of a dick to begin with, actually he’s not all that bad. On Friday’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, Jeremy got a “wearrrrugh.” That either means that the public is warming to Jeremy as a human being or they at least want him kept in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house long enough for Emilia to spectacularly obliterate his sense of self-worth forever when he inevitably tries to kiss her and she rejects him in front of the entire country. We’d need to listen to the “wearrrrugh” again to tell you which one of these it is. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 8/1

Amy – For all her arsty-fartsy chronic po-faced wankiness when it comes to her talent – which is cleaning small squares of floor, by the way – Amy is emerging as one of the most well-rounded Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates by far. Whatever situation she’s put in, Amy tends to cope magnificently – with the girls she talks about boys and crushes, with the more cynical Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates she’s laid-back and dry, she can withstand SAS interrogation from a fat man with a funny voice – and it’s probably fair to say that Amy’s the housemate most suited to a job at hecklerspray. Except that she looks alarmingly like Heather Mills, so someone would have probably kicked her out of a window by lunchtime. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 6/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, John and Anthony. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.