Hey, can we get a whoop-whoop out there for Albert Einstein? What about you nerds in the back? A little Albie love? No?? Fine. We’ll just turn to the person we always turn to when we need some mad science props: Mariah Carey.  

You see, girlfriend’s got herself a new album coming out in April called E=MC2. Before you get too excited like we did, just know that there probably isn’t anything to do with Einstein’s Theory of Relativity on there.  

We took a little listen to the first single, Touch My Body, so we can tell you there’s probably nothing to do with anything on there.  

Okay, so maybe we haven’t had a record number of hit songs for a bunch of years in a row like Mariah Carey did, and maybe our legs aren’t insured for a billion dollars like Mariah Carey – the most we could get our legs insured for was about 50 bucks with a pop tart thrown in for the peg leg – but we still give ourselves full ridiculing rights when it comes to Mariah Carey.  

And so, we commence with a review of her just released single, Touch My Body. Of course it sucks. It’s not our style. We're not actually 13-year-old girls with little parental supervision smoking behind the school with our bare midriff muffin-topping over our Baby Phat brand jeans. It's left us wondering why we even bothered to listen in the first place. Oh, yeah. The whole ridiculing thing.   

We’ve kind of always carried the suspicion that Mariah Carey just wanted millions of crazed fans to rub their grimy, pervy hands all over her, but now she’s just come out and said it. And said it in a pretty studio canned way. See, the thing that was surprising about the song is the fact that Mariah Carey is a talented singer – we recognise the talent, loathe the presentation, alright? – and yet, her voice sounds like it’s received the Ashlee Simpson studio treatment where the voice is altered beyond recognition in an effort to be somewhat bearable to the listener. Maybe the production people are just doing that to all of the singers these days. Could we crank up that effect a notch with James Blunt, please? Thank you. 

Anyway, sometimes a song can be saved by the lyrics, sometimes by a catchy tune, and in this case, neither. Here’s a sampling of our favorite set of lyrics. They’re so moving and deep: 

If it's a camera up in here
Then its gonna leave with me when I do, I do
If it's a camera up in here
Then I best not catch this flick on youtube, youtube

Cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous
I will hunt you down
Cause they be all up in my business like a Wendy interview
But this private between you and I 

Okay, everybody got that? Mariah Carey’s just laid down the rules for lovin’ her. Tape it? Yes. YouTube? No. And then let’s go gets some Wendy’s afterwards.

And if you're feeling a bit masochistic, or pseudo-street, you can listen to Touch My Body here: 

Read more:

Mariah Carey Debuts New Single – People