Bay’s email came as a result of what he perceived to be a lack of marketing behind his new vehicle of childhood butchery, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

While the content of the email, dated May 4th, isn’t that much of a shocker, the man who likes things to blow up committed the cardinal sin of writing “of” in place of “have”. More than once.

He must be a hecklerspray writer-in-training.

The email was discovered by the bloodhounds of celebrity nonsense over at TMZ and while the news has spread through other outlets, none have seemed to notice how the complaint is written in the manner of a five-year-old let loose on the keyboard.

We expected a chunk of prose on a par with Michael Bay’s films; intelligent, thoughtful and subtle. Instead what we get is a few paragraphs of… well, it’s not that bad.

But “could of”? “Would of”?! Honestly. And this man is allowed millions of dollars to play about with?

Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

Bay also revealed what seems to be an obsession with pointless use of inverted commas. See:

“I have been waiting, and waiting for the ‘anticipation’ of an ‘event movie’ to make it into the ‘public zeitgeist’,”

It must have taken him a while to write that sentence, as he was clearly making speechmarks with his hands while typing it out. Go and try it now – ‘harder’ than you ‘think’, isn’t it.

Not content with a poor grasp of English, not seeming to believe “public zeitgeist” is a real term and making some really rather bad movies, Bay then went on to make out that both Jerry Bruckheimer and Steven Spielberg are literally his best friends in the whole world.

Read, and believe:

“Over the years, Jerry Bruckheimer mentored me on event movies.”

“My good friend Steven.”

What an incredibly shocking and potentially calamitous turn of events this is. The world as we know it is likely to change forever.

Thing is, Michael Bay did seem to completely change his mind a month later, telling Paramount and co. they all did a great job and were his bessie mates. Probably even better than Steven and Jerry are.

Check out the emails on TMZ.

That’s why, starting this week, we’ve decided to start cherrypicking the very worst PR emails that we’re sent for your pleasure. We’re not trying to prove anything by doing this, other than shine a light on why we seem so cranky all the time.

This week: HINT Essence Water:

From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Wed, Jan 14, 2009 at 4:58 PM
Subject: Young Celebs Are Drinking…
To: hecklerspray

Good afternoon,

Today’s hottest, young starlets all have one thing in common – their drink of choice, but it’s not what you think.

Lauren Conrad, Miley Cyrus and Blake Lively have been spotted at around town while drinking under the influence…of all-natural water by HINT Essence Water.  The girls love it because it’s thirst quenching and won’t ruin their slender figures which is perfect for those New Years’ resolutions.

Please contact me if you would like a hi-res images or samples.

Best,

Jamie

Why thanks, Jamie. If we may, though, we’d just like to point out one thing. If people want to be like either Lauren Conrad, Miley Cyrus or Blake Lively, they shouldn’t drink HINT Essence Water. They should drink water containing dangerous levels of insecticides. Again, that’s water containing dangerous levels of insecticides.

Lots of love,

hecklerspray

Such massive overexposure to a pretty much genderless, pre-pubescent body made everybody outside of the Glitter household puke at the same time. This vomit eventually trickled into the Atlantic, and then floated north until its acidic content had melted all the ice caps, robbing millions of polar bears of their natural hunting grounds, and covering their edible penguins in a filthy, orange coat of watery slime.

Why PETA hasn’t raised more of a stink about this we’ll never know.

Anyway – the guy that did the hacking, well he’d brag online about how the police would never find him because he moved too often. But now he’s been raided by the FBI. We thought this might happen ever since we heard Cyrus would be playing the part of J Edgar Hoover in a sort of West Wing prequel.

What we’re saying is she’s probably well connected.

Miley Cyrus‘ G rating was officially ripped from her the moment some 19-year-old guy guessed her email password and used it to obtain pictures of her apparently three-year-old body posed this way and that. He tried selling these pictures, but celebrity news outlets on the up and up weren’t interested in paying for pictures obtained so illegally. That’s why the guy eventually posted them for free.

The moment this happened a cell in Guantanamo got swept out, its weird brown cake-like substance got chiseled off the toilet, and its bed got draped in surprisingly comfortable new linens. That’s because although he didn’t know it – the Miley-hacker made himself the subject of thousands of FBI round table discussions.

Wired has the down low:

“A 19-year-old hacker who published provocative photos of teen queen Miley Cyrus earlier this year was raided by the FBI Monday morning in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. The hacker, Josh Holly, repeatedly bragged online about breaking into the Disney star’s e-mail account and stealing her photos. He also gave interviews to bloggers and others and boasted that authorities would never find him because he moved so often…

“When agents finally left his apartment after conducting an extensive search, they had three computers and Holly’s phone, among other things.”

While under a heavy interrogation, Holly also confessed to purple-nurpling Raven Symone, dwarf tossing Zack & Cody, and smearing baby wasp eggs all over the insides of Mickey Mouse’s recently pressed underpants.

Authorities are allegedly seeking out animal cruelty charges over that last incident.

Good. Micky is a cherished icon, and his safety is paramount.

That’s because he didn’t know what a tidal wave of raw outrage he’d provoke from Lindsay Lohan’s millions of adoring fans. Well, OK, not really adoring. And there weren’t millions of them, either. And the term ‘fans’ is pushing it as well, come to think of it.

In fact, the sum of the backlash that Barack Obama has faced after turning down Lindsay Lohan’s offer of help is one email. One email from Lindsay Lohan’s dad. One email from Lindsay Lohan’s dad that wasn’t even directly addressed to Barack Obama and was only written because Lindsay Lohan’s dad is weirdly compelled to make a public comment about Lindsay Lohan every time she even so much as farts because he wants to make up for being a bad father. So, yeah, watch out Obama you big sod.

Barack Obama is in no position to turn down anyone’s help at the moment. Thanks to Sarah Palin and her incredible reproducing children, John McCain is creeping slowly into the lead in the polls ahead of November’s general election. So Barack Obama needs all the help he can get, even if it comes from mostly-naked former childstars who spent most of last year zig-zagging between police stations, jails, morgues and rehab.

Except, no, Mr Barack Obama is too much of a bigshot to want the help of a needy, trouble-addicted career opportunist like Lindsay Lohan, which is why he so rudely declined Lindsay’s offer of help recently.

And, quite rightly, this snub has got Lindsay Lohan’s dad in a right old state. Michael Lohan, you see, stands 100% behind everything that Lindsay Lohan ever does, unless it has anything to do with other girl’s minges. And he’s so incensed about Obama’s refusal to see the latent potential within Lindsay that he’s felt the need to speak out publicly about it.

So it must be serious, because Michael Lohan has a strict policy of only publicly commenting on Lindsay Lohan’s life when she does anything at all no matter how completely bloody inconsequential it all is.

In an email to Fox News, Michael Lohan made the very good and not at all startlingly misinformed point that Barack Obama should have definitely taken Lindsay Lohan up on her offer because he’s only going to be the executive leader of the planet’s sole superpower and she’s making a film about a lady who pretends to be pregnant. Seriously:

“Lindsay is gifted — she has a wonderful heart and she can and will affect millions of people in a very positive way. She is here to stay. Obama might have eight years, and then he will be giving lectures. Who knows, maybe Lindsay will give him a part in one of her movies.”

Actually, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. Look at it this way – as it is Lindsay Lohan is recognised as a terrible actress with a hopeless reputation that she occasionally supplements with the odd bit of nudey work, so in eight years’ time it’s almost a scientific inevitability that Lindsay Lohan will be churning out micro-budget direct-to-DVD softcore erotic thrillers. And Barack Obama would rule at being at those, perhaps starring as a randy policeman or a private dick with an itch to scratch.

Oh wait, no, we’re going to have to stop. We brought a bit of dinner up. Sorry.

One thing is that people will play anything: penguin launching, paper throwing, dog shuffling.

Another is that the games are generally tripe, only good for a few minutes before you move on.

One other thing is that sometimes you stumble on something that could be – should be – a full, retail release, but is instead free to play. This time it’s Naked War and even ignoring the fact that it’s free to play (you can pay if you want extra privileges) it still manages to be an absolutely stunning game.

Playing like an even more cartoony Advance Wars – one of the finest series on the Game Boy Advance/DS – this is a play-by-email strategy game that will eat up more of your time than you care to imagine. Thing is though, as it’s email-based you don’t have to commit to one session in one sitting – it can be stretched over a period of days or weeks, even months.

There isn’t much room to go on here, but we couldn’t recommend Naked War enough – go and sign up, download the client then accept your challenge from one of the game’s creators. Oh, and prepare to get battered by them. It is a bit unfair, but you can go on to play other people who aren’t as good.

Get It Here:

Naked War

Well that’s just great, because you’re just in time – Denise Richards has gone on TV to promote her forthcoming reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. And something else, too… what was it again?

Oh yes, that’s it – to angrily lay into Charlie Sheen yet again, this time to deny writing an email requesting a sperm donation from Sheen and to bitterly invoke the memory of her dead mother an uncomfortable number of times, all with a terrifying “don’t mess with me, world” glint in her eye. Don’t believe us? Lucky the video’s after the jump then, huh?

People quite often describe the Charlie Sheen/ Denise Richards divorce as bitter, but they couldn’t be further from the truth – Denise and Charlie shot past ‘bitter’ a long time ago and are currently somewhere between ‘psychotic’ and ‘Wagnerian’.

Believe all the allegations made about Charlie Sheen by Denise Richards and you’ll think that he’s a foul-mouthed prostitute murderer with a child porn fetish and less than sensitive manner when it comes to terminally ill cancer sufferers. And then there’s Denise Richards, who apparently divorced Charlie Sheen, ran off with her best friend’s husband, threw a laptop off a balcony at an old lady and then asked Charlie Sheen if he could send her some of his sperm. Frankly if all of these allegations are true, we’d like to marry both of the, Who wouldn’t?

Except that Denise Richards says she didn’t ask for any of Charlie Sheen’s sperm. True, at one point Denise must have loved Charlie’s sperm enough to make babies with it and – this is just speculation – drink quite a lot of it, plus there’s an email in circulation allegedly proving that Denise Richards asked Charlie Sheen for a sperm donation, but Denise definitely didn’t write it.

Denise Richards has just been appearing on the Today show, and what was meant to be a relaxed informal chat about her new reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated quickly spiralled in to all kinds of angry mad-eyed email denials. We’ve got a clip of it to show you, but first here’s People’s take on the matter:

“That e-mail is not legitimate,” Richards, 37, told interviewer Matt Lauer. “It’s a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his … girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie [Sambora]. If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I’d have asked for Richie’s.” She also said that at the time of the alleged e-mail she had just found out that her mother was dying, so she was not interested in getting pregnant – “especially with my ex-husband,” said Richards.

Bringing her own dead mother into a fight with her ex-husband? That’s pretty low, even for Denise Richards. It’s a good job she only pulled that trick once, as the video of her Today appearance shows…

Did we say once? We meant four distinct times. Our mistake.

Anyway, if this spermy email of Denise’s really has been doctored then of course she has every right to go on TV and defend herself. After all, as Denise Richards says, she’s kept totally silent about her divorce for three years now. Except for that time she did a big interview with Entertainment Tonight about her divorce, of course. And when she spoke at length to TMZ as well. And the interview she did with Larry King this week. And, you know, that whole long-running reality TV show that’s all about her and her divorce from Charlie Sheen. But that’s it. For now.

Read more:

Denise Richards: Charlie Faked E-Mail – People