In a shocking indictment of the state of movie directors and their grasp of the English language, Michael Bay has unleashed a furious and poorly-written email in the direction of Paramount’s bigwigs.
Bay’s email came as a result of what he perceived to be a lack of marketing behind his new vehicle of childhood butchery, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
While the content of the email, dated May 4th, isn’t that much of a shocker, the man who likes things to blow up committed the cardinal sin of writing “of” in place of “have”. More than once.
He must be a hecklerspray writer-in-training.
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On an average day, hecklerspray gets inundated with hundreds of emailed press releases. Some are good, most are boring and a tiny minority are so awful they actually defy definition.
That’s why, starting this week, we’ve decided to start cherrypicking the very worst PR emails that we’re sent for your pleasure. We’re not trying to prove anything by doing this, other than shine a light on why we seem so cranky all the time.
This week: HINT Essence Water:
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Wed, Jan 14, 2009 at 4:58 PM
Subject: Young Celebs Are Drinking…
To: hecklerspray
Good afternoon,
Today’s hottest, young starlets all have one thing in common – their drink of choice, but it’s not what you think.
Lauren Conrad, Miley Cyrus and Blake Lively have been spotted at around town while drinking under the influence…of all-natural water by HINT Essence Water. The girls love it because it’s thirst quenching and won’t ruin their slender figures which is perfect for those New Years’ resolutions.
Please contact me if you would like a hi-res images or samples.
Best,
Jamie
Why thanks, Jamie. If we may, though, we’d just like to point out one thing. If people want to be like either Lauren Conrad, Miley Cyrus or Blake Lively, they shouldn’t drink HINT Essence Water. They should drink water containing dangerous levels of insecticides. Again, that’s water containing dangerous levels of insecticides.
Lots of love,
hecklerspray
On an average day, hecklerspray gets inundated with hundreds of emailed press releases. Some are good, most are boring and a tiny minority are so awful they actually defy definition.
That's why, starting this week, we've decided to start cherrypicking the very worst PR emails that we're sent for your pleasure. We're not trying to prove anything by doing this, other than shine a light on why we seem so cranky all the time.
This week: HINT water:
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Wed, Jan 14, 2009 at 4:58 PM
Subject: Young Celebs Are Drinking...
To: hecklerspray
Good afternoon,
Today's hottest, young starlets all have one thing in common – their drink of choice, but it's not what you think.
Lauren Conrad, Miley Cyrus and Blake Lively have been spotted at around town while drinking under the influence…of all-natural water by HINT Essence Water. The girls love it because it's thirst quenching and won't ruin their slender figures which is perfect for those New Years' resolutions.
Please contact me if you would like a hi-res images or samples.
Best,
Jamie
Why thanks, Jamie. If we may, though, we'd just like to point out one thing. If people want to be like either Lauren Conrad, Miley Cyrus or Blake Lively, they shouldn't drink HINT Essence Water. They should drink water containing dangerous levels of insecticides. That's pretty much fact.
Lots of love,
hecklerspray
It wasn’t so long ago that some guy hacked into Hanna Montana’s Gmail account, stole some pictures of her soaking wet, and forced the world to look at them while they surfed the net at work and what-not.
Such massive overexposure to a pretty much genderless, pre-pubescent body made everybody outside of the Glitter household puke at the same time. This vomit eventually trickled into the Atlantic, and then floated north until its acidic content had melted all the ice caps, robbing millions of polar bears of their natural hunting grounds, and covering their edible penguins in a filthy, orange coat of watery slime.
Why PETA hasn’t raised more of a stink about this we’ll never know.
Anyway – the guy that did the hacking, well he’d brag online about how the police would never find him because he moved too often. But now he’s been raided by the FBI. We thought this might happen ever since we heard Cyrus would be playing the part of J Edgar Hoover in a sort of West Wing prequel.
What we’re saying is she’s probably well connected.
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When Barack Obama declined Lindsay Lohan’s recent offer to help out with the whole election thing, he clearly didn’t know what he was getting himself into.
That’s because he didn’t know what a tidal wave of raw outrage he’d provoke from Lindsay Lohan’s millions of adoring fans. Well, OK, not really adoring. And there weren’t millions of them, either. And the term ‘fans’ is pushing it as well, come to think of it.
In fact, the sum of the backlash that Barack Obama has faced after turning down Lindsay Lohan’s offer of help is one email. One email from Lindsay Lohan’s dad. One email from Lindsay Lohan’s dad that wasn’t even directly addressed to Barack Obama and was only written because Lindsay Lohan’s dad is weirdly compelled to make a public comment about Lindsay Lohan every time she even so much as farts because he wants to make up for being a bad father. So, yeah, watch out Obama you big sod.
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When you traipse through the world of free gaming on the internets, you realise some things.
One thing is that people will play anything: penguin launching, paper throwing, dog shuffling.
Another is that the games are generally tripe, only good for a few minutes before you move on.
One other thing is that sometimes you stumble on something that could be – should be – a full, retail release, but is instead free to play. This time it’s Naked War and even ignoring the fact that it’s free to play (you can pay if you want extra privileges) it still manages to be an absolutely stunning game.
Playing like an even more cartoony Advance Wars – one of the finest series on the Game Boy Advance/DS – this is a play-by-email strategy game that will eat up more of your time than you care to imagine. Thing is though, as it’s email-based you don’t have to commit to one session in one sitting – it can be stretched over a period of days or weeks, even months.
There isn’t much room to go on here, but we couldn’t recommend Naked War enough – go and sign up, download the client then accept your challenge from one of the game’s creators. Oh, and prepare to get battered by them. It is a bit unfair, but you can go on to play other people who aren’t as good.
Get It Here:
Naked War
Ready for another round of Charlie Sheen Vs Denise Richards: Who’s The Most Confusingly Mental? You are?
Well that’s just great, because you’re just in time – Denise Richards has gone on TV to promote her forthcoming reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. And something else, too… what was it again?
Oh yes, that’s it – to angrily lay into Charlie Sheen yet again, this time to deny writing an email requesting a sperm donation from Sheen and to bitterly invoke the memory of her dead mother an uncomfortable number of times, all with a terrifying “don’t mess with me, world” glint in her eye. Don’t believe us? Lucky the video’s after the jump then, huh?
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