The World Cup in South Africa was so underwhelming and blighted by vuvuzelas that the world turned its attention to a grotesque cephalopod mollusc. Yep, it was Paul the Octopus who idly sat on boxes with flags on them while slackjawed journalists clapped giddly, banging the glass of the tank.
And now, in utterly bewildering news, Paul the Psychic Octopus is to going to release an Elvis Presley tribute album.
If he gets any more famous, at least he’ll be ace at signing autographs with all those horrible little grabbing arms he’s got. Read More >>>
Us cool dudes at hecklerspray aren’t perfect. In a bid to be totally sick and wicked and bad and whatever for you kids, we sometimes make mistakes, speak out of line or go a bit too near the knuckle.
The trouble is, and we’ll use a metaphor that you young people might understand, we’re constantly ’Hanging Ten’ on the gnarly waves of cutting edge celebrity gossip on ‘Surfboards’ made from insight, honesty and a childish fixation with willies and fannies. All while wearing a wetsuit of journalistic integrity or something like that.
But every now and again, we ‘Wipeout’, which I’m sure you will all is agree is ‘Bogus’ (is that the right word?). Sometimes our wetsuit falls off and our willies and fannies hang out for all the fish to see. That’s right, we have both. If you wanna see, meet us behind Google in five minutes…
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Last week’s instalment of American Idol was truly nail-biting – a fat bloke almost went home but then didn’t.
Could it be topped this week? Of course it could, because last night’s American Idol was an almost completely perfect show. Not only was there a double elimination, with Katie Stevens and Andrew Garcia being catapulted back to obscurity, but Tim Urban survived for yet another week and Adam Lambert turned up to sing a song AND the Ford music video featured a cover version of a Polyphonic Spree song that we used to like AND the group medley took the form of genuinely the most insulting tribute to Elvis Presley that we’ve ever seen.
Oh wait, those are all bad things, not good things. Hey, that means that American Idol wasn’t perfect at all! What an unfortunate misunderstanding on our part.
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If you’re a famous musician or actor, you can whore out the merchandise left, right and centre.
The teenage market will consume most of the crap that various companies spit out on your behalf. Who wants to be bullied in the playground because they haven’t got the official sticker book, lunchbox, pencil case, fake tattoo set and poster collection?
For the older market, fans of a certain person can purchase a celebrity’s official scent. Most celebrities have one now. From Britney Spears to Kylie, you can live under the illusion that these stars visited the finest perfumeries in the world to muster up a scent. But these are the fragrances from people who are actually alive. How could a dead musician bring one out? By the power of fan exploitation? Well technically yes, but it’s more to do with science and clever stuff like that. Isn’t it, Michael Jackson?
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10 - Win tickets to see Rihanna in concert! Do it now! – Popsugar
9 - Fingerless gloves: the critical re-evaluation – Interestment
8 - Things we’re now afraid of: getting trapped on an iceberg with three polar bears – Asylum
7 - This just in: bald bears are TERRIFYING – Geekology
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Elvis Presley may have shaped the modern notion of what popular music is, but was he ever the cover star of a '100 Hottest Body Tips From The Stars' special issue of People magazine?
No he wasn't. But Mariah Carey is. Thus Mariah is better than Elvis Presley.
And Mariah Carey isn't just better than Elvis Presley at having a beach fit bikini body, either – Mariah Carey is also better at music and stuff as well. It's true – Mariah Carey has notched up her 18th American number one single, while rubbish old Elvis Presley only managed to get 17 before he snuffed it. Mariah is the new Elvis! Yay! That means we'll be able to dress up like her and ghoulishly traipse around her house when she dies! Yay!
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You may have seen pictures of Lisa Marie Presley recently and wondered how she got so enormous, but now we have the answer – Lisa Marie Presley ate a baby.
Wait, no, not that's not entirely true. In fact what's happened is that Lisa Marie Presley – daughter of Elvis Presley – is merely pregnant, as her spokesman has confirmed.
This will be Lisa Marie Presley's third child but, given that she's looking more and more like Fat Elvis with each passing day, it's unknown whether Lisa Marie will want to give birth to her baby in the regular way or die trying to crap it out of her arse on the toilet. As a mark of respect to her father, you understand.
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There's nothing like a list of people who earn more in a year than you ever will in your entire life even though they've been dead for years to inject some sunshine into your life, is there?
That's right – the annual Forbes Dead Celebrity Rich List has been published, and it's been another classic year for Elvis Presley. Elvis has managed to earn $49 million over the last year, $5 million more than his nearest rival John Lennon could muster. It's a triumphant return to the top spot for Elvis Presley, who was knocked into second place last year by Kurt Cobain, with industry experts claiming that this reflects the current public trend for favouring bloated corpses with blasted-open colons over miserable corpses with bits of their heads missing.
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