You may or may not have heard of Jerry Leiber, but he’s just died and that’s bad because he’s one of the most brilliant people to have ever existed in that hellish world known as the music industry.
Alongside Mike Stoller, Jerry wrote some of the best records ever cut to wax.
And so, instead of writing a cloying tribute to the great man (okay, we’ll be a little over the top because we’re fans), we’ll his music do the talking. And what tunes! We’re talking ‘Hound Dog’, ‘Stand By Me’ and ‘Jailhouse Rock’ for starters.
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Dave Grohl’s a nice guy isn’t he? That huge grinning tooth mouth of his! That fun time Charlie who never has a bad word to say about anyone, ever! Unless you’re Courtney Love that is. Sweet Jesus, he really hates her.
Now hideous, blaspheming supposed nice-guy Dave Grohl has slammed the creator of the greatest television show on Earth, GLEE by basically calling him a whining, simpering git with a God-complex. Which is apparently quite rude!
Ryan Murphy’s incredible sing-a-long comedy which is notable for containing only one funny character has so far worked over the likes of Britney Spears, Madonna, Katy Perry, Journey, Queen and The Beatles. The Glee lynchpins had been expected to add the Foo Fighters to that long list of musical luminaries but Grohl’s distaste for the show and its creator have put a pin in that idea.
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Glee is rampant and unstoppable! First, we got the chance to announce that Glee was officially better than The Beatles and now, they’ve gone and swiped the crown of Elvis Presley! Elvis is no longer king! Poor old dead Elvis. It’s not really fair is it? He can’t defend himself from the grave now that Glee are officially better than him.
That’s right kiddiekins, despite the fact Glee only appeared on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in June 2009, in that short time, they’ve already eclipsed Elvis in every way.
Glee has rewritten the record books for most charted songs by an act in the list’s 52-year archives. The cast of Glee haven’t even got close to being massively obese and addicted to all manner of colon rotting prescription drugs!
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For the majority of people reading this, you won’t remember who Elvis was. He wasn’t a performer who was brought up through a tough neighbourhood and had to pimp his own sister out money. Neither was he the man who formed a band with three other members from the Elvis area of London in order to perform hip hop.
Instead, he was an overweight musician who scoffed down burgers, hotdogs, fizzy drinks and doughnuts like they were going out of fashion. He was once a glorious singer who pumped out hits like Heartbreak Hotel. But in later life he failed miserable and forcefully squished out shits whilst munching on food, something which later resulted in death.
Hardcore enthusiasts pay visit to Elvis’s Graceland mansion to pay visit to the toilet he died on every year in order to get a whiff of faeces and death. But not it gets better; you can pretend to be the doctor who extracted his heart from the lardy exterior!
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If you were Elvis, and you were dead but all these fantastic songs kept popping into your head and you just had to let the public hear them, you’d probably possess the body of your chunky daughter to get the job done.
And while you inhabited that body you’d probably use its hands to wipe away all the sweat you didn’t know your little girl had to deal with every time she ate. Like father like daughter.
When you weren’t wiping away the sweat, though, you’d use her hands to record the most incredible music the world has ever known. hecklerspray‘s theory is that this is where we got Lisa Marie’s two solo records from. That’s why they’re written so impeccably from the perspective of someone who died from a severe over-consumption of hotdogs and chocolate cake. Think about it.
But speaking of Elvis’ ghost – Lisa Marie still speaks to Elvis’ ghost. Isn’t that interesting? We have their recent summed up conversation for you on the next page.
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Everyone knows that Elvis is dead. We think it’s because he fell off a train or something. He was fumbling for a twinkie and grabbed way past his point of balance.
He glided for a few feet with his jumpsuit wings, but he wasn’t good at steering and smashed into a light post. Over the next five minutes his neck was snapped in two. Not from the train – he was just gliding really slow. If you didn’t already know, we’re sorry to have to break it to you. The king is dead. Don’t worry though because he lives on in pictures.
New pictures.
That’s right – brand new pics of the king have emerged. They may or may not have titles like Elvis: Sweating With Resolve, Elvis Picking Things Off His Skin or Elvis Gliding Into A Lamp Post/Goodbye Elvis. That last one we find offensive.
Careful how you name stuff, photographer.
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