Modern society, we’re so advanced aren’t we? With our two-in-one shampoo and conditioner and trendy high street café’s selling luxury iced coffee! Really, we’ve never had it so good. But all of this pampering has left us soft as a nation.
Back in the days of the Vikings and Romans, heated disputes were usually sorted with a punch-up whilst a baying crowd watched until one opponent cried blood.
Now feuding people take to media to vent their rage. If you’re Elton John, an American TV show to talk about Madonna, specifically.
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Only the mysterious hecklerspray phantom bothered reporting on the 69th annual Golden Globe ceremony that took place on Sunday evening. Of course, we were ready to take multiple notes on the ceremony and present you with a factual article about the winners, losers and which actress had slopped gravy down their dress.
However, broadcaster E! decided that viewers in the UK weren’t allowed to watch the actual ceremony. Instead of seeing Ricky Gervais offend Hollywood’s elite, viewers were instead treated to endless repeat of an advert featuring Kim Kardashian getting out a helicopter. If they couldn’t be bothered, then neither could we.
So, we still don’t know what happened at the Golden Globes. Nobody injured themselves from what we gather (shame), but following the ceremony, it looks like a bitchfest has kicked off between Mrs. Elton John and Mr. Madonna. A case of sour grapes after losing out in an awards category? Or a bout of jealousy because Madonna bagged herself the sparkly orphan that they both wanted?
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Sir Elton John, formerly bald, is planning to make a film about his life. And boy what a life! All that having sex and taking drugs! The travelling around the world! The outfits! That bit when he wrote that song.
The trips to the hairdressers too! Amazing.
And so, talking about this flick, Elt’ has named Justin Timberlake as his “number one” choice. They do look like each other don’t they? No. Not at all. That’s the answer you’re looking for.
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It has been 8 months now, since we all obligingly sat down with a couple of friends, some choice lunch meats, and self loathing, and watched Matt Cardle furiously leaking into his corduroy jeans.
Oh, and won X Factor 2010.
Some would say the healing process after viewing this will need a considerably longer time frame. Every daily tabloid feature for the entire of 2011 would possibly argue otherwise. Yes, that’s it. X Factor is certifiably, and unequivocally ‘BACK’. Which is just as well, because the hysteria over rivals down at C5 Celebrity Big Brother completely died the moment Kerry Katona earnestly admitted to Brian Dowling that her ‘life has been a rollercoaster’.
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John Lennon once sang “Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can?” Well actually, we can’t. We love rockstars and the daft things that define them. What would Lady GaGa be without her myriad of oddball possessions? Natasha Bedingfield, that’s who… and no-one wanted her in the first place.
And so, after seeing the little commercial spots during the Brit Awards coverage, where popstars talked about what was priceless to them – in the case of Lulu, a rather dazzling sequinned jacket, or the Ting Tings giving away their first guitar and such – we got thinking about our favourite things that popstars have.
Think about Slash without a top hat or Michael Jackson without a spangly glove or monkey? They become a bit rubbish don’t they? Read More >>>
Much has already been said about the Andy Gray and Richard Keys story, with Charlie Brooker supplying one of more interesting slants on it, but we would like to point out The Sun’s sweetly optimistic approach to it on Monday, the day after Andy’s original on-air gaffe and was tucked away on page ten in a teeny article sharing a column with a three line article about falling prices in Portugal.
The incident was treated more like something from a television out-takes show than the final piece in the trinity* of inconvenience that’s got Murdoch’s News International into a bit of a tizz.
The story was over- he had apologised and everyone was laughing about it whilst slapping the arses of passing waitresses by lunchtime. Unfortunately, the same day the Daily Mail, those masters of creating broadcasting controversies from the sparsest of ingredients, dedicated page 3 to it, and a shitstorm was born.
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Let us be the last people on Earth to actually get ’round to mentioning Elton John’s new baby boy shall we? Congratulation Elton. You’ll be covered in Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John’s faeces in no time at all.
Of course, we’re very progressive on hecklerspray and think it is just great that the world has come such a long way that homosexuals now have the equal right to child induced misery as straight folks. Why should straight people be the only ones to have their lives utterly ruined by children?
Anyway, Elton and David Furnish have now got a crying swine in their lives, leaving people to make lazy observational jokes like ‘Har har! Which one is mother then?’ Well, the answer is David Furnish is the mother. So there. It’s all there in black and white.
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Elton John is good value for money because he’s an outspoken old bitch. Over the years, he’s glammed up his work with a variety of outlandish outfits and even more unbelievable wigs. And now, he’s making ridiculous claims about pop music.
This is despite the fact he did a duet with insipid boy-bland, Blue.
In his attack on the music industry, he said that today’s songwriters were “awful” and warned that television talent shows failed to produce any genuine stars. Weird he should say that when The X Factor is primarily a television show as opposed to a breeding ground for musical talent. It’s a bit like slagging someone off for buying, say, Watford FC and moaning about the fact they don’t produce decent footballers. Read More >>>
