Back in the late eighties and throughout most of the nineties, the yoof of society were warned against certain evils, particularly drugs such as ecstasy and acid that were associated with dance music. Anything that’s popular usually has parental groups flapping and trying to convince everyone else that a child indulging in said activity will cause them to grown horns and massacre livestock.

Of late, fearmongers haven’t had much to do as pop culture is spewing out stuff so safe that not even Mary Whitehouse would scowl and huff. TV has offered us Glee, an all singing, all dancing show which is laced with sugary goodness. Music-wise, Justin Bieber is the perfect popstar with parents admiring his generally safe content and Jesus tattoos.

Whilst Bieber has been around for a few years, we’ve been told that a newcomer is on the scene, attempting to steal the midget foetus crown of producing bland pop music. Say hello to Grayson Chance.

Is Grayson Chance Americas answer to Canadian puppet Justin Bieber? We can only assume so, as both are young, annoying and probably have more money than the entire world combined.

However, Grayson does win when it comes to having a stupid name. He sounds like some sort of American national park that only houses transgender animals.

So where did Grayson Chance get discovered? Thanks to YouTube of course! An incredible source of finding new music by chance. Bear in mind that he’s roughly eleven or twelve when he was performing this cover of Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi.

The miserable cynic in us would be more inclined to slag young Grayson Chance off if he was just singing in his bedroom. But being able to play the piano and sing fairly well for such a young age is more than what we can do even now.

Somehow, the penny whistle doesn’t count as a proper instrument. After such a sterling performance, he was signed up on a record contract by other than American talkshow host, Ellen. We imagine she spieled some guff about wanting to nurture young talent and look all caring.

Grayson Chance might be forced to perform pop music for the initial years of his career, but with the right support and nurturing, he could end up being a major talent and not labelled as a tween singer. The evidence is there to suggest he has something in the making.

Editor’s Note: Laidlow will be fired for his cheery, positive outlook, don’t you worry. He also failed to notice the incredibly cynical framing of the video which kept the two cooing, admiring girls in the crowd in shot for the duration of his performance. The whole thing makes us sick.

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Squeaky clean pop annoyance Justin Bieber recently had a haircut, which was front-page news almost everywhere, even here on hecklerspray. The news of his haircut sent shockwaves around the world, with sexually confused 12 year olds and slightly creepy 40 somethings everywhere begging to know why he’d chopped his famous $500 fringe off.

Naturally it’s all rather ridiculous, it’s only some hair after all, it’ll grow back, you do know that, right?

What’s even more ridiculous to the furore over Bieber’s bonce is the fact that you can now buy the hair he had lopped off. That’s right, you can buy Bieber’s former barnet covering, if you have $7,000 to spare that is.

You see, wee Justin Bieber recently appeared on the Ellen DeGeneres show in the States (for those of you unfamiliar with the Ellen show, it’s like the Alan Titchmarsh show, only markedly less annoying). During the show Bieber gave Ellen a lock of his hair, which is now being sold through popular offloading of ill-gotten property site, eBay.

The famous follicles are sealed in a clear display case that Bieber has signed and is just shy of the $7,000 mark at the time of writing.

We expect it to fetch a lot more though, it would be criminal if it didn’t, just think about how mental the Beliebers are. They actually call themselves Beliebers and if that isn’t mental we don’t know what is.

We here at hecklerspray can’t help but wonder who will end up buying Bieber’s locks. After all, there can’t be that many Belieber’s with the cash to buy it at its current price, let alone any price it may reach by next week, unless they form a syndicate and all take home one follicle each.

Maybe a very lonely adult will be the winning bidder, claiming it’s for their kids or something, when we all know they have no kids, the sick freaks.

Even we here in the hecklerspray bedsit have been looking behind the couch and rifling through Mof Gimmers’ stuff when he’s not in to see if we can stump up the cash in the hope that we can get our hands on his hair and use it for some bizarre voodoo ritual that would mean we never have to hear about Bieber or his stupid bloody hair again!

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Now that she’s got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook.

Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up.

Not Mariah Carey, though – after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn’t even want to adopt one – she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.

Remember when Mariah Carey’s wedding to Nick Cannon was a secret? Remember when nothing was officially confirmed by either party? Yeah, it seems like such a golden time in retrospect, doesn’t it?

Because now the only way we think we’re going to be able to get Mariah Carey to shut up about her wedding is to creep up on her in her sleep and smack her in the throat with a table leg one night. And obviously we wouldn’t want to do that because it would stop her from releasing any more mus… wait, that’s a brilliant idea.

Sadly, the law and a number of court-enforced restraining orders means that we’re not actually able to do that, so our best hope is that Mariah Carey just talks herself out soon. Hopefully it won’t be much longer – we’ve already heard about that ‘Mrs Cannon’ tattoo Mariah Carey got on her back, and now she’s also gone on Ellen to yammer about being married as well, and the woman’s only got so much breath left, surely.

In fact, Mariah Carey even went one better than just talking about being married to the least famous man on the planet – she also told Ellen that she wants him to get her pregnant as soon as possible. The Chicago Tribune reports:

Asked on Ellen Degeneres’ show whether she is thinking about having kids, she told DeGeneres, “Yeah. I mean I always said, I think we’ve actually talked about it. … It was like, ‘Would you ever think about having kids?’ and I said … If I found the right person who I felt would be on the same page as me in terms of raising kids and having the same belief system.”

Yes, it’s always good to be on the same page as the person you’re having a baby with – something you can read more about in Mariah Carey’s forthcoming book Extinguishing The Joy Out Of Pregnancy With Tiresome Middle-Management Jargon.

But good luck to Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon – if the sound of her biological clock has grown louder than the sound of her basic rational thought process, then who are we to argue? All we know is that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon should hurry up if they want to have a baby – they have a messy, regret-filled divorce scheduled for the middle of next month, after all.

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First comes love, then comes marriage … – CT