Squeaky clean pop annoyance Justin Bieber recently had a haircut, which was front-page news almost everywhere, even here on hecklerspray. The news of his haircut sent shockwaves around the world, with sexually confused 12 year olds and slightly creepy 40 somethings everywhere begging to know why he’d chopped his famous $500 fringe off.
Naturally it’s all rather ridiculous, it’s only some hair after all, it’ll grow back, you do know that, right?
What’s even more ridiculous to the furore over Bieber’s bonce is the fact that you can now buy the hair he had lopped off. That’s right, you can buy Bieber’s former barnet covering, if you have $7,000 to spare that is. Read More >>>
Remember when we told you that American Idol‘s dream judges included Elton John and Justin Timberlake?
You do? Good. And remember when you thought that Elton John and Justin Timberlake would never judge American Idol because, even by Simon Cowell‘s standards, they’d both be too ridiculously expensive? Also good. Now think to yourself – if you had to pick a judge for American Idol who was less famous than Elton John and Justin Timberlake, and so desperate for work that they’d probably do it on the cheap, who would you pick? Jennifer Lopez? Funny, that’s exactly who the American Idol producers have reportedly picked, too.
Not to replace Simon Cowell, you understand. Jennifer Lopez will replace Ellen DeGeneres. She’s left too. Did we mention that? We meant to.
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Without its gleam-toothed, bumpube-haired talisman Simon Cowell, American Idol has found itself in a muddle.
What happens now? Can American Idol survive? Can it bank on Randy Jackson to speak in full sentences from now on? Or Ellen DeGeneres to stop being so tediously nice all the time? Or Kara DioGuardi to finally work out what her point is? Probably not. And that’s why they might all be getting sacked quite soon.
If reports are to be believed, former American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe might be about to return to the show. And if that happens, it’s expected that his first move will involve firing Randy, Ellen and Kara and bringing in Justin Timberlake, Elton John and Usher as judges. No word on who’ll replace Ryan Seacrest, though. He is being replaced, right? Oh, say that he’s being replaced.
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Remember Greyson Chance? The YouTube boy who sang Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi with an unnecessary amount of sincerity?
Sure you do. He was a genuine YouTube phenomenon, just like that video of a monkey riding a Segway. Anyway, it doesn’t matter if you can remember Greyson Chance or not, because his ascent to dickish megastardom has just begun in earnest. Greyson may only be 12 years old, but that hasn’t stopped Ellen DeGeneres from creating her own record company just to sign him – and she’s got Madonna‘s manager and Lady Gaga’s manager to look after him.
It’s brilliant news. We can’t wait to see who Ellen DeGeneres signs after Greyson Chance. Will it be the Chocolate Rain boy? Or what about the hedgehog that ate that carrot in a funny way 18 months ago? Oh, we’re so excited.
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Looks like it’s time for Justin Bieber to move onto the ‘tubby bitter hasbeen’ section of his career, then.
There’s a new kid in town. And he is actually a kid. His name is Greyson Chance. And people are predicting that Greyson Chance is going to be the next big thing. Why will he be so unstoppable? Because Greyson Chance combines the worst aspects of Lady Gaga (the music, the piano-playing) with the worst aspects of Justin Bieber (the hair, the disgusting youth) and adds something brand new – more weird otherworldly soul than you’d find in a lorryload of Jonas Brothers.
After one of his school performances became a YouTube sensation, Greyson Chance has now appeared on Ellen. In other words, this is the first and last warning we’ll get. Next thing we know he’ll be everywhere. Barricade your doors while you can.
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American Idol newbie Ellen DeGeneres (who has a name containing more Es than Lil Wayne’s tour bus) and head honcho Simon Cowell have reportedly fallen out behind the scenes of the talent show.
Apparently the frostiness between the pair began after Cowell pitched up an hour and a half late for the first day of Ellen’s tenure as a judge on the show. Problems have worsened recently because – and get this – Ellen thinks that Simon Cowell is quite rude to some of the contestants at times. He’s kept that quiet hasn’t he? How has no one noticed before?
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The sixties were all about ‘Free love’. The seventies was the age of great movie-making and music. The eighties was epitomised by consumerism and the 1990’s had er, the Tamagotchi.
Every decade becomes synonymous with a particular movement, fashion or mood. As such, the 2010’s (or ‘Teens’ as it’s known to total idiots) will henceforth be known as the ‘Decade Where People Broke Down Or Cried A Bit On Telly’. So far, we’ve had the usually stone-faced political spin doctor Alistair Campbell wobble on Andrew Marr’s BBC show and news that Gordon Brown gets emotional during his soon-to-be-televised interview with Piers Morgan. Though surely just hearing that the PM had to meet PM would have been enough to cause hysterical weeping on a grand scale.
Kicking off the ‘Teens’ – sorry, 2010’s – Cry-O-Vision trend was of course the King of Hearts himself, Peter Andre. To celebrate the upcoming ten years of televisual tears, let’s take a look back at that and some other celebrities secreting liquid from their lacrimal glands in response to emotional stress. Why? Because THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT…!
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Ellen DeGeneres made her American Idol debut last night, and she had some intimidatingly big shoes to fill.
Paula Abdul‘s shoes. On paper, Ellen DeGeneres and Paula Abdul couldn’t be any less alike – Ellen is intentionally funny, Paula is unintentionally funny; Ellen has hosted the Oscars, Paula has hosted a home shopping television show; Ellen loves women, Paula loves the pan-gender shrieking voices that live inside her head and force her to do terrible things – so was Ellen a worthy addition to the American Idol judging panel?
The word on the street is that she was. And also that she wasn’t. And that she tried too hard. And that she didn’t try hard enough. We hope that clears things up.
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