Is Lindsay Lohan a jewel thief? No. No she almost certainly is not. Seriously, have you seen Lindsay Lohan lately?

Honestly, if you can’t read the script to I Know Who Killed Me without realising that it’s terrible, or even go out in public without ending up rocking backwards and forwards like some kind of disturbingly foetal mad-eyed lunatic, you’re hardly going to be able to mastermind a jewel-theft, are you?

Nevertheless, jewels worth have been stolen from a Lindsay Lohan photoshoot. Lindsay’s not a suspect, though – unless she scared the jewels away with her scary voice and freckly knockers.

Lindsay Lohan is in trouble, that’s plain to see. Her movie career has gone down the toilet, her love life is a 10-car pile-up and, worse than that, she’s got ginger hair. It’s in desperate times like these that people are pushed to take extreme courses of action.

Extreme courses of action like, to throw a completely hypothetical scenario out there, swiping Dior jewels worth £250,000 from a magazine photoshoot. In completely unrelated news, Dior jewels worth £250,000 have gone missing from a Lindsay Lohan photoshoot for Elle magazine in London, and police are on the case.

And, before you get the wrong impression, Lindsay Lohan probably didn’t have anything to do with it, OK? Her spokesperson has said so and everything. Reuters reports:

The police said there had been no arrests, and that they would be interviewing several people in connection with their inquiry. A spokeswoman for Lohan acknowledged the probe. But she added that there were some 20 people at the photo shoot, Lohan was not being investigated personally and she had not yet been questioned by police. “No one has contacted us” about it, said the spokeswoman.

And, to be honest, you don’t exactly need to be Columbo to realise that Lindsay Lohan probably wasn’t behind the jewel theft. To demonstrate, here’s a list of why the police should immediately rule Lindsay Lohan out of their investigation:

1 - Jewel thieves tend to be charming, polite to a fault and alluringly rakish. In comparison Lindsay Lohan is massively obnoxious, has a voice like a particularly offensive ship’s foghorn and, from certain angles, looks a bit like a weather-beaten garden rake.

2 - Jewel thieves tend to be criminal masterminds. In comparison we get the feeling that if Lindsay Lohan even manages to put her shoes on the right feet in the morning she regards it as a small personal victory.

3 – Lindsay Lohan is a world leader when it comes to pointless attention-seeking. If she was behind the theft, we could expect about 14 different MySpace blog posts about how clever she was for stealing the jewels, an additional 375 Twitter entries blaming the media for making her steal the jewels and a handful of ghastly reality TV shows about different members of her family reacting to the news that she stole the jewels. So far, none of these things have happened.

So, no. It might be jumping the gun a little, but we’re going to put it out there and suggest that Lindsay Lohan definitely didn’t steal those jewels from her photoshoot. Unless, you know, one of the jewels looked even slightly like Sam Ronson. In which case Lindsay probably ate it.

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