Dear reader, you are about to enter a peculiar dreamworld where nothing seems real. You are about to enter a time in the Earth’s history when everything seemed to run in slow-motion and cascade around your ears like a Bible end-game.
We travel back to New York and the day that is now simply known as 9/11. It was our generation’s JFK moment when pretty much every human jaw hit the ground and each heart slowed, pumping thick blood.
The memory of that day couldn’t get any more surreal, right? Wrong. That’s because, on that fateful day, there was a cheap rental car tearing across America and in it, you could find Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando. Feel like you’re on drugs? Wait ’til you hear about the burgers.
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Poor old Zsa Zsa Gabor. She’s really not very well at all. She’s had one of her legs cut off and now, after a string of health problems, she’s back in hospital again with severe pneumonia symptoms, leaving her with water on her lungs.
We’d suggest that her family are distraught, but alas, her ninth husband – Prince Frederic von Anhalt – seems to be rather enjoying the attention.
Of course, he can be seen with his little eyes welling up during his many hospital visits, but that’s not stopped him from winking at Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife and noticing what a fine, working womb she has. Seriously.
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Cuh! When we’re rude to people, everyone berates us and says we’re shallow and lonely. While that may be true, we don’t see people having a go at Elizabeth Taylor who treated marriage like bubblegum, hung around with Michael Jackson and, even in death, kept everyone waiting at her funeral.
We suppose that everyone thinks that this is all very funny, prompting people to roll their eyes and hoot in unison about how wacky she was!
It’s not funny. It’s downright rude. People are trying to grieve properly and she’s there, even in ghost form, pissing people around.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor (that should read ‘Zsa Gabor’ after she had her leg amputated) has been rushed to hospital after she decided to go hysterical over the news of Elizabeth Taylor’s death. That’s because she’s convinced herself that she is going to be the next to die.
According to her husband – Frederic von Anhalt – Gabor “went hysterical” when she heard about her old chum passing away via the use of a hearing trumpet.
With celebrities always dying in threes, she became concerned after Taylor died shortly after fellow actress Jane Russell joined the choir invisible.
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One of the most gigantic movie stars of all-time, Elizabeth Taylor, has died in Los Angeles at the age of 79 despite looking much, much older. Taylor lived her whole life in the spotlight, of course, looking like she’d been shot with Homer Simpson’s make-up gun in later years.
Of course, we’re rather sad that the Oscar-winning actress has finally shuffled off her mortal coil after a long history of bad health and heart problems, but like all sneering pricks, we’re prone to making crass jokes instead of confronting our grief about someone we’ve never met.
It goes without saying that the movie buffs will be saddened by this news and fondly remember some of her finer roles, leaving the huge public outpourings of grief to the Michael Jackson fans. You just watch.
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We know, we’re disappointed too. We were also looking forward to Elizabeth Taylor’s ninth wedding.
Imagine the guestlist. We’ve seen Elizabeth Taylor’s Twitter feed, so it seems perfectly obvious who she’d invite to her wedding – Kathy Ireland and the ghost of Michael Jackson. And that’s about it. Because they are the ONLY TWO THINGS THAT ELIZABETH TAYLOR EVER TWEETS ABOUT.
Actually that’s not true any more – yesterday Elizabeth Taylor jumped on Twitter to deny reports that she had got engaged to her manager Jason Winters. She loves him, she says, but they’re not getting married. That’s very canny of her – this way Elizabeth Taylor gets to have all the creepy old lady sex she likes, and then the only thing she needs to leave Jason Winters when she dies is the stark, shameful realisation that he’d been having it away with a 78-year-old wheelchair-bound old lady. Smart move, Elizabeth.
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Lately, Elizabeth Taylor has become famous for having the tweeting ability of a thousand gormless teenage girls.
But it wasn’t always like that. In days of old, Elizabeth Taylor was famous for the amount of times that she got married. In her time Elizabeth Taylor was married to everybody, from Richard Burton to Conrad Hilton to Senator John Warner to Richard Burton again to that man who played Commandant Lassard in the Police Academy films to Barry Manilow to Richard Burton again to the boy from the I Want To Do A Poo At Paul’s advert to a sexy llama to a drawing of a shoe to Richard Burton again.
But that was a long time ago. Elizabeth Taylor wouldn’t ever get married again, because she’s old and that’s gross. What? Elizabeth Taylor is getting married again? What a genuinely surprising piece of news that we didn’t see coming at all.
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When Elizabeth Taylor used Twitter to tell the world she was having heart surgery, it was a momentous occasion.
No, really, it was. It was the perfect meeting of old-school Hollywood glamour and cutting-edge social networking. And the good news is that it hasn’t finished yet – Elizabeth Taylor has used Twitter yet again to announce that her surgery was a success.
Elizabeth Taylor only left a brief message, though – not because she’s unwell, but because she’s now so into social networking that she also had to update her Facebook status to ‘Elizabeth is feeling wicked nang’ and upload a video of her getting her bum out onto YouTube.
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