‘Sorry’ isn’t a word that appears in Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s dictionary. That’s right, she has her own dictionary.
It’s not a brilliant dictionary, admittedly. The only words in it are ‘gun’, ‘Bush’, ‘USA’ and the entire set of lyrics to Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning) by Alan Jackson. But anyway, Elisabeth Hasselbeck doesn’t say sorry very often. Although that’s probably because she doesn’t make jaw-droppingly insensitive remarks insinuating that women who wear revealing clothes deserve to be stalked very often.
But that’s what Elisabeth Hasselbeck did on Tuesday, claiming that the man who was convicted of secretly filming Erin Andrews through a hotel peephole would have seen just as much and avoided jail by watching her on Dancing With The Stars. And now Elisabeth Hasselbeck has apologised to Erin Andrews in the hope that she’ll seem less of a twonk. She doesn’t, by the way.
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Hands up who thinks Elisabeth Hasselbeck is full of crap. Well, she is. No, literally, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is full of crap.
She’s got celiac disease, which essentially means that if she eats any gluten she’ll end up uncontrollably pooing all over the place like some sort of awful dirty bomb. We know this because Elisabeth Hasselbeck has written a celiac disease cookbook – a cookbook that another writer claims she copied from her, and she’s suing Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Which is plainly ridiculous. Of course Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t plagiarise anyone else’s work – we’re not even convinced that the woman can even read.
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We don’t know what’s worse – the recession or the thought of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s terrifyingly fertile uterus.
OK, it’s definitely the uterus thing. Because Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View is pregnant again. We’ve lost count of how many children Hasselbeck has now, but we think it’s about a million – almost enough to entirely repopulated the planet with billions of tiny shrill indignant right-wing nutsacks.
Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even realise she was pregnant, putting her stresses down to ‘election fever’. We know the feeling – we once thought we were pregnant, but it was actually just Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s voice giving us tit-ache.
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On The View yesterday, bets were on as to exactly when Elisabeth Hasselbeck would spontaneously combust and/or claw wildly at her own face.
Because, judging by her fervent campaigning for the Republican party, Tuesday’s election win for Barack Obama seemed like literally the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to Elisabeth Hasselbeck in her entire life. But on The View yesterday, something strange happened.
On The View yesterday, Elisabeth Hasselbeck gracefully admitted defeat and declared her support for the president-elect. And, thanks to Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s elegant speech, the partisan schisms that threatened to tear America apart were instantly healed. Well, in the parts of America that watch The View, anyway. So the chronically old and unemployed parts that can’t find their remote control to change channel. Isn’t that enough?
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At this point, it’s fair to say that we’d let a robot dinosaur Hitler win the election if it meant it could all be finished today.
Because, honestly, we know that it’s an important election and all, but it’s turned everyone into stupid screeching partisan bellends. And Exhibit A would be this – at a Sarah Palin rally in Florida yesterday, people not only let Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View screech on witlessly about politics for 10 entire minutes, but they also actually clapped her at the end.
It just goes to show how much trouble the Republican campaign is in – it’s clear they just let Elisabeth Hasselbeck shriek her worldview to a crowd so that Sarah Palin would look marginally more intelligent in comparison. Let’s hope it worked, because it’s literally impossible to pander to the lowest common denominator any more than that. Well, unless someone gives Jessica Simpson a call, but who’d want that?
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Can you imagine The View without Elisabeth Hasselbeck? It’d just be four women babbling topical abuse over the top of each other and- oh wait.
No, that’s what The View is now. Actually, come to think of it, The View would be pretty much identical regardless of whether Elisabeth Hasselbeck was on it or not. But that’s nobody’s concern any more, because Elisabeth Hasselbeck has pledged her future to The View after a few days of on-screen bickering and off-screen uncertainty.
This is undoubtedly a good thing -Â Elisabeth Hasselbeck fulfills an important role on The View. No, not as the sole conservative voice on the panel, but as the woman you secretly fancy even though you violently disagree with every single thing she’s ever said in the whole of her life. Who else would fill that role? Whoopi Goldberg? Yeek.
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The View is a place for women of differing political viewpoints to intelligently discuss the news of the day while squawking around like a gang of clueless ninnies.
And, as such, all political viewpoints must be represented on The View. That’s why Elisabeth Hasselbeck has gained longterm employment on The View as the show’s resident spiteful backwards reactionary fact-ignoring common sense-deprived world-hating Bible-humping bumbling yokel.
But maybe not for much longer. It’s been reported that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is getting more and more infuriated with the liberal viewpoints of her co-host Whoopi Goldberg, to the extent that ‘cooling-off meetings’ have been arranged to calm her down. It’s led to speculation that Elisabeth Hasselbeck will soon leave The View, which will be a shame. We were hoping she’d stick around at least until her brain popped.
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Fans of very specific, slightly nauseating, lesbian pornography get ready – Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are going to get it on!
Well, look, OK, Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck obviously aren’t going to get it on at all, but that hasn’t stopped Rosie O’Donnell calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck ‘very attractive’ during an interview with Howard Stern yesterday.
We’ll get to the details in a moment, but for now let’s just mourn the fact that Rosie and Elisabeth aren’t able to genetically create their own child – because it’d have to be part O’Donnell and part Hasselbeck, and we could earn all sorts of money running a book on whether it’d come out fat and intolerant or skinny and paranoid.
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‘Sorry’ isn’t a word that appears in Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s dictionary. That’s right, she has her own dictionary. 
